• Published 6th Jan 2013
  • 31,145 Views, 3,609 Comments

Wanderings of a Non-Brony - BronyWriter



TD's journey around the lands outside of Equestria

  • ...
85
 3,609
 31,145

Facepalming My Phoenix

My trek out of Zebrica wasn't too extensive, since the country’s really relatively small, particularly when compared to, let’s say, Equestria. I tended to avoid cities of Zenya’s size; for the most part, instead, I stuck to the outlying hamlets and villages. The locals there were friendly, much as expected, though I did get the occasional warning to not go out to the minotaur lands, as not all of them were friendly to strangers.

Of course, I figured I didn't have a choice. Sure, I didn’t count on their remarkably scarce magical abilities to help me, but at the very least the tribal territories were in between me and Griffonia. It was through them or back to Equestria.

... No, I don’t wanna hear it, Twilight. Don't even start.

Anyhoo, I reached the border of their lands roughly three weeks after parting ways with Soundspeed and Tycho. I was able to travel faster and longer throughout the day with fewer breaks by then; fifty miles a day for close to a year does that to a guy, I suppose. In any case, all the physical training I got from Tycho enabled me to travel so fast, even Oswald didn't feel like he had to slow down as much as he used to for me to keep up. We had to stop about a week or two into this second leg for him to complete his “life cycle”, but once he was done with that, there were no incidents on our final push out of Zebrica.

Now, as for the majorly important event in my time in the minotaur lands, that one began a few days after we crossed the border. Given that there were few established settlements, although I had heard of one major commercial hub, which was the place I was headed for, we didn't run into any minotaurs at all before that. Not gonna lie, it was pretty boring after all the time in Zenya with all those friendly zebras, On top of that, there was the fact that I had no idea how those guys were going to react to something like me. Heck, for all I knew, they might want my head on a platter because I reminded them of something they hated or were afraid of. Sure, it sounds silly when I say it now, but I had no way of knowing at the time.

So, back to the first event thing, Oswald and I were walking towards the general direction of the trading hub, at the time I didn't know what it was called, when Oswald flew too close and clipped me with his wing by accident. I mock-glared up at him and slapped his tail feathers in retribution. "Tag."

He snorted and swooped down to tag me back, but I ducked under it and began running. An indignant squawk later, he was zooming after me. I chanced a glance back, and it was a good thing that I did, because it allowed me to see when he reached out with his wing and duck again in time. "Missed me!"

I bolted, but he put on some impressive speed and tagged the back of my head. I screeched to a halt and wheeled around to face him as he flew lazily backwards. "Oh, that's how you want to play, is it?" I said, narrowing my eyes and getting ready to run.

Oswald snickered and I burst out running at him at top speed. The terrain being mostly flat save for a sparse amount of bushes here and there didn’t really compensate for Oswald being a bird, and therefore faster and more maneuverable than I was. My new agility meant that I was able to keep up relatively well with him, but I knew that Oswald could leave me in the dust easily if he went the extra mile. Deception and exploiting his overconfidence it was. I wasn't sure if he would have counted tapping him with something other than my limbs as cheating, but hey, all’s fair in love, war, and games of tag with phoenixes.

I reached out with Reginald, and was delighted to feel the end of it touch Oswald's right claw. Immediately, he screeched to a halt and wheeled on me again. I gave him my best grin. "Gotcha."

He squawked something that I could tell was more than a little annoyed: apparently he did see it as cheating, and wasn't about to keep that a secret from me.

I folded my arms. "Hey, we never set specific rules for the game, did we?"

Oswald's eyes narrowed and he zoomed into the air, no doubt aiming directly at me for a little dive-bomb-ey payback. I was about to get into an evasive stance when something caught my ear. It sounded like... talking.

I lifted a hand up, palm front, and he recognized our sign that playtime was over. He dove anyway, but to land on my shoulder, and the both of us looked in the direction of the noise. And that’s when we saw them.

Minotaurs. Seven of them.

I ducked silently into a nearby bush and held it open so Oswald could set down next to me. "Be very quiet, Oswald," I breathed, watching them through the foliage. "We have to think about this for a second." While I was there to see the minotaurs, actually looking at a group of them in front of me was more than a little intimidating. Even standing as tall as I could, those guys had a good head and a half on me.

Six of them wore studded leather armor, relatively light stuff, while the seventh one, whom I figured was their leader, was decked out in a black suit of full plate. The most intimidating thing, though? Each and every single one of them was carrying an enormous battle axe. Those looked so heavy, I felt they could cleave me in half even if they were dull.

I gulped. "You know, Oswald, maybe we don't have to ask this group about where the trading hub is. We’ll find it on our own sooner or later anyway. Even if we don’t, we can ask other minotaurs."

"Asbregaughcwah?"

Now, the thing about that particular caw of his isn’t that it was more garbled than a drunk’s handwriting; it’s that it was very loud. As in loud enough for the battle party that I had just mentioned I wanted to avoid to hear.

They stopped their idle chattering as they passed by us and looked in our direction. Human hand, meet human face. "Oswald, for the love of..." I whispered, but was interrupted when the plated minotaur pulled back the bush’s branches.

"What are you doing in there?!" he snarled.

"I'm face-palming at my phoenix," I groaned. "And what are you doing here?"

He tossed an intimidating snort my way, and I looked up at him just in time to see the other six begin circling the bush. Not good. I motioned for Oswald to take off, and thankfully, he complied and landed on a nearby tree, allowing me to stand up. They didn't look to be in the talking mood, so I supposed what Tycho had trained me for was about to come in handy.

I took a step out of the bush and gave them my best placating smile. "Well, gentlemen, I was in fact looking for your famous commercial settlement. If you'll be so kind as to direct me towards it, I'll be on my way."

The entire group began chuckling, advancing one step closer as they did. "Don't think this one will make it to Schunie," one of them chortled.

"Is that the name of the city?" I asked, genuinely curious.

"Yes, it is,” the leader said ominously, “but I don't think you'll make it there to see for yourself."

"Never seen one of these before," a third one remarked. "You think he'll make good sport?"

Oh how I wish I had thought to try the fire god trick again. Sure, those guys were probably a little smarter than the dragons, but it wouldn't hurt to try. But no use crying over spilled milk; now all I had to rely on to get out of this one was diplomacy, and failing that, violence. "Look, we don't need to go there, do we? I mean, there's nothing wrong with our groups just being on our separate ways, is there?"

"Think it can fight? It doesn't look armed." The speaking one readied his axe in his hands. "Should be quick, but let’s see."

Dang it, looks like I'm not slipping out of this one, I thought as I tightened my grip on Reginald and got into one of the fighting stances that Tycho had taught me.

I was at a numerical disadvantage on top of one of strength. My only hope lay in me being faster than them, otherwise this would be over as quickly as predicted by them. I doubt even phoenix tears could fix someone who got torn in half.

I heard one of them step ahead behind me and dodged to the left just in time to avoid the vertical swipe that left his axe stuck in the ground. My momentum allowed me to spin around faster and swing Reginald onto the back of his head harder than normal, and the ensuing connection sent such a fierce shockwave through Reginald. It threw me off balance for half a second. Minotaur skulls are thick, don't you guys know? At least I had whacked him hard enough that he staggered as well.

Now it was on.

I spent pretty much all of that fight weaving and ducking between the blades. Given that there were seven of them, I didn't have enough time between dodges to return any blows after the first. Their confident chatter told me that they were discussing who would get the kill, and thus, I didn't have to worry about two of them going for me at the same time. Occasionally I managed to get a hit on one of them, but their armor meant that it was largely ineffective. The leader especially was immune to everything I could throw at him.

I have to admit, I was getting pretty worried. Despite my increased endurance, the longer the battle went on, the more tired I got. I would need an advantage if I was going to get out of this one, and soon.

I chanced a glance at Oswald, who was watching with interest, and inclined my head, indicating that maybe, just maybe, he should provide a distraction so I could get on the offensive for once. Thankfully, he got the hint and took off, igniting his wings once he was up. However, my momentary focus on something other than the minotaurs surrounding me proved to be a detriment, as one of them took the opportunity and swung his axe at me. I dodged, but not fast enough.

Remember when I said those axes could cut through my body even if they were dull? Well, turns out that they weren’t. The blade nicked my arm, and just that little touch tore through both my shirt and some skin, leaving a nice jagged gash that had me stumbling and gasping in pain.

They would have pressed the advantage if they hadn’t met a nice flaming diversion. The cut wasn't too deep or on a critical spot, so I was able to recover while they were swatting at Oswald. I wasn’t worried about him. He was much too fast even for me, and these minotaurs weren’t as agile as I was.

I readied myself and swung at the only weak spot I could think of: the base of the nearest one's horn. He fell to the ground, clutching his head and howling in pain. Good to know.

With the scales tipping my way a little more, I didn’t let the confusion go to waste and struck the next one with a horizontal swipe. The blow was a little lighter, but it still had the desired effect. Of course, it also meant that the other five knew what I was up to, so they split their efforts between me and Oswald. I got three of them, including the leader, who immediately took the offensive. The fire in his eyes left one thing clear: playtime was over. He was serious about doing me in.

One of his fellows swung vertically, but I side stepped quickly enough that his axe buried itself in the ground a safe distance away. Taking my advantage, I slammed Reginald into his face, directly under the eye. He staggered back, disarmed and disoriented.

It occurred to me that it might be on my behalf to switch weapons to something that could actually strike and make it count, but I quickly pushed that thought aside. I wasn't trained to use a war axe, even though I could use some pointers from my training with a two-handed pole weapon to my benefit, I’d struggle constantly with the weird center of balance. Besides, the thing was most likely too heavy for me to lift properly. Instead, my whole concentration and stamina went to evading all attacks and countering when I felt confident in the chances.

I chanced another quick peek over at Oswald, who was way out of the other two's reach; he was safe, that much was certain. My only issue with that was that they might get bored of chasing him: if they did, well, there was a second target for them right here. I couldn't afford that, not with how tired I was getting: my arms were getting sorer by the minute, not only from the swinging, but also from the vibrations rattling my bones whenever I struck a minotaur.

I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep it up. I was in trouble and I knew it. And it was about to get worse.

I had just dodged another swipe when I felt a fierce blunt pain in the side of my head. I screamed in pain and fell to the ground, dropping Reginald on the way down, and the leader didn’t hesitate to press his hoof on my chest and the blade of his axe against my neck far before I could gather my wits. His underlings had already gotten back on their own hooves, and were standing above me with wide grins. Oswald was still busy with the other two and likely hadn't noticed my peril.

"Quite the good sport, this one was," the plated one chuckled. "I thought this would be over in seconds."

"In the end, there was nothing much to it," another one agreed. "It'll make an interesting story, that’s for sure."

"What is it, though?" one with a black eye questioned. "We can't kill it before we know what it is. I'm curious."

The leader glanced back down at me for a moment, then nodded at his subordinate. "Fair point.” He looked back down. “What are you?"

"Human," I replied. "I'm called a human."

"Any more of you around here?"

I was about to inform them that I was the only one on the planet when I figured that their ignorance about my kind was good for me. I shook my head. "No. In fact, there's a lot more of me around here… and if they figure out it was you that killed me, they will hunt you down. We don’t like it much when someone kills one of our kind for no good reason."

My eyes scanned the party, and I noticed that one of them had what looked to be a sling in his hand. He must have been the one that got the shot on my head. it sure did feel like a stone. I couldn't focus on that right now, though.

"If you let me go now, that’ll be the end of it. I won’t tell my people, and they will not pursue you, and they will not destroy you. But if you kill me, they will pursue you, they will find you, and they will kill you in ways you never thought were possible."

The leader snorted and pressed his axe down a little farther. I felt the blood starting to draw from the cut. "I doubt it. If we can take you down, we can take you all down. There's more to my clan than just the seven of us, as you figure."

I chuckled weakly. "You really think that your numbers will make a difference? We have weapons at your disposal that you couldn't imagine in your worst nightmares." I motioned over to the slinger. "Imagine his sling over there, but far more powerful. And instead of a rock, it's a metal projectile that can tear through flesh and bone, regardless of what species you are." I smirked up at them. "You ever wanted to know what it's like to lay there dying with a large hole in your gut? Well, kill me, and you’ll get to find out firsthand."

They contemplated me silently. Occasionally one would glace over at their boss, but for the most part, they didn't move. I couldn’t even see them breathe. Finally, the one in plate spoke up, "You're bluffing."

I snorted. "Ya really willing to bet on that? You've never seen a human before, while I am one. If there is a living creature that knows my people right here, right now, that’s me. Are you so certain of me being a liar that you'd be willing to risk everything?"

I felt my hand touch the handle of Watt’s old knife, and wrapped my fingers around it. If he raised his axe for the killing blow, I could do some damage to his relatively unguarded legs. It wouldn't be enough to escape, but it would sure mean that I didn’t go down like a beaten dog.

He was about to respond when we heard more hooves hitting the ground. Something else was coming towards us. The axe came off of my throat, and its owner glared at the newcomers. I twisted my head myself and saw that it was another scouting party, though this time the officer’s armor was blue.

"You shouldn't be here,” the one that was threatening me said to the new posse. “These aren't your grounds."

The opposing leader instantly stepped up to the challenge. "This is the main road to Schunie: we are free to travel it." He glanced down at me. "What do you have there?"

"It calls itself a human, not that that's any of your concern. We thought it would be worth a bit of fun."

"I'm just trying to get to this Schunie place," I groaned. "These meatheads attacked me for no friggin' reason."

The newly arrived commander grimaced at the black one. "Was that necessary?"

"He held his own well enough. It's his own fault that he lost."

"Seven to one hardly seems like a fair fight to me." The leader took a step forwards. "Isn't it a tad dishonorable to engage in such a lopsided battle?"

"What business is it of yours?" the other snarled. "Your tribe has no bearing on what mine wishes to do!"

"Oswald…!" I weakly called out. "Might be time to come back!"

That was the cue for my phoenix buddy to dive straight towards me, clueing his two attackers in on the fact that they weren't alone. While they joined their batch, Oswald, for his part, landed next to me and flared out his wings. "He has a phoenix?" the new leader questioned. "Interesting." He looked back over at my attackers. "The road to Schunie is a peaceful one. Nobody who travels it is to be attacked."

"And who's going to tell the city about this?" sneered the minotaur in black.

"I will. You know their laws: to attack a traveler to the city is to attack the city itself. And I know for a fact that you wouldn't want the city to revoke all privileges your tribe has, would you?"

The attacking leader glared, but slowly raised his axe, allowing me to grab Reginald and stand up. He glowered and pointed his axe at me. "This isn't over, human. You can't stay in the road to Schunie forever."

"Yeah, that's nice," I grumbled at him while I wiped some of the blood off of my neck and checked my arm. It was still bleeding, but very little. "I’d like to know why, though."

"I like to finish what I've started." He lowered his axe back to his side. "You were just a sport, but now that you're running off like a coward, it's going to be a pleasure to take you out."

"Enough," the other plated one growled. "This is a road of neutrality. If you cannot be respectful, then you must leave this being alone."

The black minotaur snorted in anger, but beckoned his group onwards anyway, and they stomped off, smacking the ground as loudly as they could with their hooves as if to prove a point. It was a little disheartening, knowing that I essentially had a contract on my head, but hopefully I could avoid them after I left the city.

At any rate, there were other matters to attend to, so I turned back to the new group. "Thanks. I thought I was a goner for a second there."

The blue leader smirked. "We honor the neutrality of Schunie. To violate an agreement is to bring dishonor upon my tribe." He extended a hand towards me. "I am Bludworth."

I shook it gladly. "I’m TD, and since you were asking, I’m a human. This is my phoenix, Oswald."

Bludworth tilted his head in a small nod towards my bird, which he returned, before turning back to me. "So, you're headed to Schunie?"