3
2
0
Joined January 2012
438
2,262
What if there was another pony who joined the pony gang? An actual male who at first seemed worthless? Will his actions, even presence, affect the choices and outcomes of the pony gang? Will different relationships form? That's for him to find out...
(Remake of the FIM series)
You know, my fic here, Shisno Chronicles: Friendship is Magic, works the same way, although my character is accompanying the main character. Regrettably, I think he's cooler than your character, although like with every character he has his flaws.
Haha funny story actually, This is the first time in posting this site. Sorry if I offended you with the "tag overkill". I'll take those off once I have the chance. And this is considered new because I had this up for a long time but I didn't know I had to submit until Yesterday. Stupid, I know.
>>827542 im not shore if someone already responded but here XD
con·tain
con·tained, con·tain·ing, con·tains
1. a. To have within; hold.
b. To be capable of holding.
2. To have as component parts; include or comprise: The album contains many memorable songs.
3. a. To hold or keep within limits; restrain: I could hardly contain my curiosity.
b. To halt the spread or development of; check: Science sought an effective method of containing the disease.
4. To check the expansion or influence of (a hostile power or ideology) by containment.
5. Mathematics To be exactly divisible by.
I understand. It depends on how you see a central episode. So far, there may be none that you're looking for, but as I upload the rest of the chapters, you'll see. So far, I'm uploading what's already written. I'm pretty far right now, but right now I'm trying to catch up on here.
>>841418 And while you're right about that. That still doesn't excuse the fact that you:
A: Took a perfectly decent story in-it-of-itself of a group of happy-go-lucky ponies
B: Reproduced it nearly word-for-goddam word
C: Added a mary sue in boy form
D: Pasted this all together and thought "hey this makes for a good story!"
And while your grammar, sentence structure, and story telling are moderate in the least and CAN AND SHOULD BE good and worked on to be better
This is in all honesty: A BAD STORY CONCEPT. It's the elements of: Laughter, Honesty, Loyalty, Magic, Generosity, Kindness, AND DEPRESSION
This is like adding a tumor to an otherwise healthy person. And while it isn't a bad story. It's a bad concept. Which, to simplfy it: MAKES A BAD STORY.
So in words of someone less famous: "Polish a turd, it's still a turd"
My advise: Scrap it and use your talents for something better.
*sigh* You see... you're one of those readers that are so uptight about the "rules of writing". You obviously don't read for the entertainment. Or you do, but you don't bother actually reading it. You're like a drunk person who keeps yelling and complaining about how he can't get inside a party because they're are bodyguards or a stern fence around the house. In order to get past that fence, you have to quit drinking so ignorantly and actually think outside the box for once. I have a feeling that you won't get my metaphor...but anyway... This story is not some "random self-insert". And... *chuckles a little* well... you obviously don't look within the words, only what's presented outside. That's actually one of the messages I'm bringing up with the story...but I know you won't bother looking for them. Just to let you know, I take this story very seriously and I feel very strongly about it. My advice would be as simple as "Don't judge a book by it's cover", literally. One last thing. I can greatly tell that you don't care why Alex is like that. You just don't like how he is and it's plain as that.
>>841494 Well, (and I'm sorry to tell you this) there are "rules of writing". Writing is about sorting through your cluttered conscious and searching for that beat that drives you forward and propels you to be who you are. The beat that drives you to commit to the decisions you commit to. And to be honest, I don't really care if I'm a drunk person, I'm just tired of seeing the same types of stories every single time. The carbon-copied sad protagonist with the carbon-copied mane six who all bend over backwards to help him for no apparent reason and the carbon copied affliction plaguing him (a.e tragedy)
And at some point in time, rules of writing come into play when the masses keep churning out one story after another with the same underlying premise.
But see, you did something different. You took the episodes, and word for word, wrote them down with the add-in of your character, Alex who has no correlation to your username WHATSOEVER. Which leaves you to write about your main character right? No! From what I draw, he's just a pale ghost in the works of an otherwise perfect story. So, while you've left yourself open to write about YOUR OWN PERSONAL CHARACTER without the need to fill in the roles of side-characters, antagonists, characters serving as plot devices and so on. But even then he's not much.
It's like writing a backstory who only appears in one episode whom nobody cares about and only works well in ONE. And you're right. I didn't read that far into this fiction because, in all honesty, I came into this fic with zero bias. None at all and I wanted to see if it was good or not. And it turns out, that in fact it's not because it's simply a re-write. And it was your job to make me look between the lines. It was your job to make me, as a reader, interested and invested in your fic. And while this is just going past the border, to some extent I'm disappointed because instead of taking a look back at your work to see what I was complaining about, you instantly resort to a comment to try and make me back off.
And never mess with a man who has too much free-time on his hands.
Haha...Wow... Is all I can say... You've made so many contradictions right there. You prove my point exactly. I mean...based on what you're saying... you either just skimmed through whatever you read, you didn't read at all, or you really don't know how to read. I'm sitting here, reading through your reply and I'm just like... Are you serious? You're supplying so many contradictions that you're actually confusing me. For one, you present your first comment as a spoiled child, who seems to be too mad that he can't reach the bottle on the counter, especially calling me "sad" for writing this story. Yet, now you're presenting yourself as if you're some deep writer when you're just an arrogant, not to mention ignorant as well, maybe even naive, person who, as you said, "has too much free time". If you wanted me to respect your "pointed flaws" more, then you wouldn't have been such a fool to come out so aggressively and instead act as a mature adult. You only lose respect when you purposely flame a story instead of providing some flaws along with support, just as you lost mine. And I don't "look back at my work" for the same reason. Why should I waste my time, looking for these "certain" flaws that you "supposedly" found out, when you're not even providing support for it? Here's one thing. If you want people to take you seriously, stop presenting yourself as some child who purposely tries to piss people off and instead politely criticize. There is a difference between constructive criticism and full-out flaming. If you keep at what you're doing right now, people are just not going to care about you and your bad mouth, just like me.
>>841602
Well I was doing it half parts comedy half parts "get it through your head" because I'm not so sure you've noticed, but polite commenting? That's what people have been doing all along. Does it staunch the flow HiEs? No. Does it make the authors seriously think and read aloud their fics before submitting barely coherent walls of texts? No. And there's a reason. If someone's not chastise as they are rewarded, then they will only expect softened criticisms. They will not have any standard except the one they hold to themselves. And through my various interactions with, oh, you know, humans beings? That it helps someone if there are other goals other the ones they hold to themselves to guide them. It serves as a standard to help them. For one to rise above themselves, they must first have someone else to beat them down.
So I will rationally explain to you only one more time what my irk is.
You are a good author with a bad idea
It certainly doesn't help with what your doing right now. And that's not what I meant by polite "commenting". I meant that if you have a flaw to point out, don't just flame someone and bring it unsupported. If you wanted me to actually listen to your "flaws" then you should have maturely brought it up and support it, such as textual support. Otherwise, I'm just going to take it as a random assumption. If you would have done that in the first place, then this situation could have been handled much simpler. I would have taken your "flaws" into consideration and possible even try to reason with you and explain something out if you misunderstood it. But it seems it's too late for that now, isn't it?
>>841648 Alright then, let's say that this doesn't have a flaw at all. Which it doesn't mind you. Let's say this is all well and dandy, a quaint little story.
Now here's my hypothetical question, what have you done to draw the reader in? What have you done with your writing that draws the reader and immerses them in your world of fiction that leaves them breathless and wanting for more? What have you done that makes your characters really pop out at the viewer? What draws the user to your characters? Is is their quirks? Their personality disorders? Is it what they don't say in a normal conversation that labels them a tad odd but still likable? Because in your story you have a single character that doesn't really do anything. He's a simple background character who happens to be in the exact right place at the exact right time. And you can't just tell me to "read between the lines" and expect me to comply when there's nothing to compel me to do so. Half the time the character doesn't even show up and it's just like reading the script to the show, and the other half the time he's just there for verbs, a.e he runs, he walks, he accompanies.
Wanna know what flaw of this story is?
It's boring. And that's why I said it's sad.
*sigh* You know you're just answering your own questions right? But if I really need to answer them for you like a child, then so be it. I'll try to make it as simple as possible, which means I won't include the more in depth personal statements of why I did what I did (because you probably won't listen anyway).
Q: What have you done to draw the reader in?
A: I included an OC that seems to differ from any other usual pony in the show and present it in his own point of view, also offering possible different outcomes or relationships that might have changed due to his inclusion.
Q: What have you done with your writing that draws the reader and immerses them in your world of fiction that leaves them breathless and wanting for more?
A: I've began this story with a setting that is vague to readers about Alex. I do not merely state his past right there in the beginning, nor do I include why he is there in the first place. That is for the reader to find out on his/her own (by reading on).
Q: What have you done that makes your characters really pop out at the viewer?
A: Well the other characters are usually the same in the show of course. But what makes Alex pop out at the viewer? He's obviously depressed for a strong reason. He doesn't smile. He's usually quiet (also for a reason). And he definitely doesn't act like any other pony (again, for a reason). Look me in the eye and tell me that doesn't make him stand out.
Q: What draws the user to your characters? Is is their quirks? Their personality disorders? Is it what they don't say in a normal conversation that labels them a tad odd but still likable?
A: Well observe the personality of Alex. Don't you think some other people have possibly gone through what he has? (In his past I mean.) Several people can relate to him because they've gone through similar experiences as him as well. I mean really... all these things are quite obvious...
Is it just me? Or did it look like you copied all these questions from some literature site that's supposed to guide writers into making an attractive story? If you really think all this is boring... then I don't know what to say... Maybe you're more biased towards upbeat and "hand you all the answers" stories.
Alright, I'm sorry Alex, but I'm having to side with Mr. Ignorable in this argument. For one, the comments where he's seeming like a jerk, while are to be taken seriously in their advice, are meant as jokes. It's just a dash of reverse-psychology, and while he is indeed harsh, the methods to his madness justify it. Second, you stated in your latest comment in the argument that Alex's depression draws readers in. In his defense, and my own, it doesn't. In fact, it makes a character rather boring when all they do is brood an moan. It's basically a carbon-copy of Cloud Strife; he hardly talks, he doesn't smile, and all other emotion is absent. If depression is ever-present in a character, it keeps them from being interesting. For example, in my a story idea that I have, the main character is a bit immature, constantly pulling pranks and other such shenanigans. The reason for this is because he's haunted by guilt from a series of unfortunate actions which led him to his current point in life. Use his advice or not; they're your options.
Sorry. But when someone comes up and calls my story pitiful. I'm going to be offended and not take their advice seriously. He should really look up someone called Aristotle and maybe learn a thing or two from him. And okay. You two have different tastes in stories. And Alex doesn't "brood" and "moan". *sigh* I don't know why you two keep saying it's a "carbon-copy" or whatever, but I wrote this with heart. This is basically like the situation where people don't see why men watch MLP. You have to give it a chance. If you only read the first few lines then...it's not really going to do anything. If you actually read it and still don't like it? Then fine. But don't flame the story like an idiot like he did. In conclusion, I don't know how to implant the message I'm trying to send. The only way for you to receive it is to find out for yourself but... I don't even know what to say anymore.
>>841756 You know I'm having serious trouble processing your lemming like diligence.
Q: What have you done to draw the reader in
A: spolier alert; EVERYBODY HAS A DIFFERENT OC THAT ACTS DIFFERENT FROM PONIES IN THE SHOW. And I have a question, have you ever been truly depressed? Depression isn't about being all "no smiles and emo" Depression means that people are really good actors when it comes to social activities, that they go out of their way to appear the opposite of what they're feeling. What your character is, is simply grumpy.
Q: What have you done with your writing that draws the reader and immerses them in your world of fiction that leaves them breathless and wanting for more?
A: Please, you have written a word for word reproduction of the script of MLP. Leaving vague trails of your O.C doesn't interest or immerse the reader, they just pass him off like background character.
Q: What have you done that makes your characters really pop out at the viewer?
A: Let me look you in the eye and tell you he's a carbon-copy cut out of almost everybody who's ever become an OC
I know I missed a question, but almost EVERYONE can relate to a character no matter how idiotic/brainless/cocky/brash/evil. It is the nature of humanity to sway as easily as a tree does in a Category 6 or higher storm.
And hell, tell me this, would YOU like to read a story about some depressed ne'er-do-well in a story filled with happy endearing ponies? And you know, you're right, maybe I am copy-pasting this from a literature site. But the reason SAID literature site exists, is because countless people have fallen into the same pit time and time again. As for your "hands you all the answers" qualm, I answer you with this: have you ever heard of the breadcrumb theory?
Don't worry if you haven't. I just came up with the name for the nebulous feeling.
It's when you give up a vital piece of your OC for the readers to know. Just to make him a bit less mysterious and out of reach. Of course I don't know if you've done this because I got bored to death after the first six chapters.
P.S- this is fun.
Alright, you said that Alex doesn't brood or moan, but that still doesn't mean that he's an interesting character. I believe that Mr. I put it best; depression is something that people treat like something that is to be hidden, not shown. When shown, people tend to help said person, which leads to a journey out of depression. Also, JUST SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE AND LISTEN! I'm sorry, but when the advice of someone is given, no matter how harsh or belittling it is, one must listen. Looking back at my self-insertion stories, I feel ASHAMED that I wrote them. By the time I finished my latest chapter, I thought of leaving the fanfiction world all together; the story was bad; the ending was all that was left to write, and everyone basically knew how it was going to end. I had no motivation for writing it anyway. My characters had their moments, but nothing particular to draw in the reader other than the scenery. I know that I'm probably seeming like a jerk, and that I'm probably starting to adopt Mr. I's methods, but it's only because he's right! You're simply too blind with arrogance to see what he's trying to give you: harsh, but constructive criticism!
Are you kidding me? Are you being serious? Because I can almost not believe that you are actually telling me this. Sure, people use depression to get attention, but...wow... you obviously haven't been under depression and I have a feeling that you've possibly made fun of those who have. If you've never been under depression before then shut your mouth and quit acting like it's some kind of joke because it isn't. And about your carbon cut? Okay. Give me a list of OC's that are like him and give me specific reasons and details why this is so. I'm not going to even comment on the rest of your questions because this is all a game to you. Seriously, you're not going to listen. You're just going to feed off of the enjoyment you're receiving from this. You think you're such a great author? Authors take things seriously, not throw every piece of literary device and twist them around to make them sound like it's logical.
Like I said, I would have more than likely listened if he would of handled it like a mature adult. Obviously, he wants to be a kid and "troll" me. Do you really want to take advice from someone who presents them as an arrogant child? I know I don't. I'm totally open to listen to suggestions and criticism, but not when someone rolls it up in a spit wad and throws it to you. He's treating all this like a game and joke, which is even draining his credibility even more. If he wants me to listen then he's obviously making everything worse. It may sound like I'm "full of pride" but I'm just standing up for what I believe in.
>>841883 You know, the easiest way to get out of depression is if you stop wallowing in your goddam grief. Depression is a hatred for everything, that includes a hatred. And don't you dare tell me about Depression. I have struggled with it 4 years running now and everyday's a challenge were I look at myself in the mirror and really wonder what the hell I've become. And don't you dare tell me what depression is and isn't. As per the list of depressed and un-interesting O.C's
The portal guy from LTD (I can't remember his name) he pops into Equestria with a dark history NOBODY knows about and is spent most of the time wallowing in his own self-pit and crying on the shoulders of Fluttershy as she bandages his sorry ass.
Nightshade-Flyte: LITERALLY COMES FROM FUCKING NOWHERE OVERPOWERED AS A MOTHERFUCKER WITH A SORRY ASS ATITUDE and crying about his dead mother and he is one whiny sorry son of a bitch.
The Human from My Little Dashie: A blank slate of sadness that would melt into the ever-growiing masses of the world's people un-content with their lives.
Cloudy Skies: A random ass O.C with (granted) some personality quirks who nicely ties into the whole plot as a whole yet at first glance is only a back-sided measly character.
These are all the characters I remember off the top of my head.
And another thing? I don't talk about this much, but for those all "suffering" from depression: I recently (about a month or so back) nearly OD'd on painkillers just to get away from the daily grind and pain of my life. It would have been so easy too if someone hadn't found me. And even though I can't remember their names, I thank them everyday. And I try to make light of my situation because comedy and laughter IS THE BEST MEDICINE for everything. Especially phycological afflictions.
He's acting like what an "immature child" to give you what I believe is a goal to shoot for. For example, I've had many role models that I desperately attempted to impress, though they weren't exactly tough with their reviews. This sugar-coating made their comments begin to lose meaning, and thus I left. The slap in the face for a review should act as a milestone, a mark to reach; to impress the reviewer so that you may gain some positive results. That's just how I see it. If he makes you angry, channel that. Writing is an art, and art is a canvas on which the authors, painters and designs thrust their emotions and create masterpieces for all to marvel at. They used opposition to their advantage (Van Gough for an example), and inscribed their names in history.
Okay... so you're telling me a method on how to remove depression...yet... you claim you're still living with it? That doesn't seem to make much sense. Now you make yourself look credible of knowing what depression is...but yet you continue to mock it. About your list. Sure, they've all been under some sort of depression, but I want to know how it specifically relates in every way to Alex. I'm not just talking about his depression. I mean everything. *sigh* You know what... I think I'm done talking. I'm about fed up with this and I'm tired of trying to at least show you my perception on this matter...but you're just blocking everything I say with your own words...
>>842058 oddly enough 15. And I say I've been depressed for a long time because I have, and I know that my adult life is going to consist of nothing but unfounded hate to the driving forces of our society. To the Dogma that so-plauges a country and reduces its youth to nothing more than slack-jawed trend-setters fawning over the latest star and or scandal.
I don't care what anyone says, the scariest thing is seeing the future that everyone before you has set up, and being sent (against your will) headfirst into said future.
And don't bother with the comment war, we're done.
>>842116 Well... The thing you did wrong, was to find the vein... You didn't hit it. Instead, you just randomly slashed. Okay. First of all, you have to go deeper than what you did... You made a quick slash. Not a deep one. Then you have to find the vein... Either that, or just slit your own throat, which you probably don't have the balls to do, considering that you just sit there on FIM all day insulting people with a REAL depression... So you probably never slit your wrist... You probably just used that card, and the depression card just so you'd more than likely win the comment war. But instead, you failed... Miserably. Think for one fucking second before you try to troll, kid... Also, grow a pair before you try to commit suicide. It works better...
>>842146 Welp, for one thing, I don't dispute the fact that it's pathetic I've been on FIMF all day. But my ahem "trolling" was a little experiment of mine. To see what would happen if people were met with negative criticism instead of positive. One other thing, exactly how do you know what "depression" is? it's such a vague topic, but then again it comes and goes for me, some days are worse than others. And the good news is I've managed to push it back for a little while, the slandering works as a kind of anti-depressant. And I think I slit my wrists and put 'em in the tub some...two or three odd years ago. Either way, I see your point.
>>842174 Well, you aren't dead, so you did it wrong. Also, why would you "troll" in the first place? This guy doesn't deserve that... And how do you even know what depression is? You didn't even define it write. You just put intellectual words all in one paragraph and made yourself sound smart, but really, you're just an idiot. Depression is feeling sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. Most of us feel this way at one time or another for short periods. Not "Depression isn't about being all "no smiles and emo" Depression means that people are really good actors when it comes to social activities, that they go out of their way to appear the opposite of what they're feeling. What your character is, is simply grumpy." Wow... Really? You're an idiot... So anyways, go do everyone a favor and
>>842209 Yeah um, how's about no? Unless you wanna join me of course. That'd be great. Oh, and I don't think you making an ass outta yourself is gonna help your case (though I think Alex likes this)
Oh, and the reason I can't define it properly is because I have something called Maniac Depression (A.E: Bi-polarism) Which means one day I'm all good, the others I'm a hateful mess of sullen despondency.
Oh, and everyone puts words together to sound smart, only a handful of those people are truly wise
Have a nice day!
>>842228 Pfft. I know people with a REAL depression, and they'll think that you're just crazy... You're an embarrassment to them... Using the "I'm depressed. I have something called Maniac Depression (A.E: Bi-polarism)" card... Really? Now you're calling yourself bi-polar? LOL! I'm going to laugh if your kids, if you ever have any, actually have these... I know you're lying... People with real depression won't advertise it to the world... To strangers. They'll either keep it a secret, or not even mention it, so yeah... You're an idiot... And knowing you, you'll more than likely drop another depression card, thinking that it'll work, when surely, it won't... Nobody cares and dropping that card won't work...
Also, I won't join you. You're exactly what your profile name calls you... "Mr. Ignorable." It's actually coincidental, considering that you're an ignorant fool.
Anyways, like I said, I GUARANTEE you that you'll reply with some idiotic statement, so go ahead. Make your move.
I'm sure you're reply with something along the lines of, "I'm depressed... *Throws out excuse after excuse, then attempts to prove a point, but fails*" That's your exact format for replies...
Ok i've read Alex's FIM "Remake" and frankly it doesn't feel like a remake. It feels like he just added a character just for the hell of it. Depressed pony? come on, He struck me as being out of place. Don't me wrong its interesting concept to have an outsiders POV. I suggest making him a scribe. He can follow the Mane 6 around (Either knowing or in secret) and records their adventures for future generations.
But why depressed? It doesn't make sense, its at odds with Mane 6's belief system. They're all about Harmony, believing in yourself, staying positive and learning from your mistakes.
Sorry, man but depress pony would have no place among them and he would know it too.
>>842228 Pfft. I know people with a REAL depression, and they'll think that you're just crazy... You're an embarrassment to them... Using the "I'm depressed. I have something called Maniac Depression (A.E: Bi-polarism)" card... Really? Now you're calling yourself bi-polar? LOL! I'm going to laugh if your kids, if you ever have any, actually have these... I know you're lying... People with real depression won't advertise it to the world... To strangers. They'll either keep it a secret, or not even mention it, so yeah... You're an idiot... And knowing you, you'll more than likely drop another depression card, thinking that it'll work, when surely, it won't... Nobody cares and dropping that card won't work...
Also, I won't join you. You're exactly what your profile name calls you... "Mr. Ignorable." It's actually coincidental, considering that you're an ignorant fool.
Anyways, like I said, I GUARANTEE you that you'll reply with some idiotic statement, so go ahead. Make your move.
I'm sure you're reply with something along the lines of, "I'm depressed... *Throws out excuse after excuse, then attempts to prove a point, but fails*" That's your exact format for replies...
>>842088 Also, did you go to the car yet?>>842272 Well you're right, I will reply.
But different people cope in different ways. Also, one thing I forgot to mention (and I'm terribly sorry about this) is that my depression "cleared up" about two months ago. Well what I'm trying to say is it got better. And do you know how I managed to do that? Complete and utter honesty.
Oh, and internet arguments are fun don't you think?
>>842291 So... Here's what I see... You lie about a depression... Use it as an excuse, then once it wears out, you say that it's "cured." Okay then?
You're so full of it...
>>842305 Cleared up and cured are two different things wouldn't you say? But then again I did leave it vague and open ended. Well I was having sever mood swings (wether that be due to hormonal influxes or some outside philosophical quandary is up for debate) Through some re-evaluation of life I managed to pull my shit together and here I am. Preforming a phycological experiment. Which by the way, you are producing some very interesting feed back for.
>>842324 I still think you're full of shit... I mean, the only way to really get rid of depression is to give positive feedback to people. Not make rants about their stories. How would you feel if I went to your story and SKIMMED through it, then said... "Oh... It sucks... Yadadada depression." How would you feel?
After reading the comments, I decided to give this a read, to see if Mr. Ignorable was accurate, or just being a douchebag.
Spoiler alert: he was accurate.
First thing I noticed is that you overuse ellipses. 14 in one paragraph is overkill.
Next, why is he worried about showing respect to Princess Celestia if he can't even remember what event he's supposed to go to? For all he knows, Princess Celestia won't even be there.
It's "Fillies and gentlecolts", not "Phillies and gentlecourts".
One thing I noticed you have a habit of doing is using words that are technically right, but people would never actually use in that context. A couple of examples: using contained in the sentence "and she contained wings on her body". Now, I understand you meant she had wings, but you'd never say that you contain hands. Another example is triplet in "she had a cutie mark with a triplet of apples on her left leg". Yes, triplet does indicate 3 of something, but I've never heard anyone say they have a triplet of bananas, they just say they have three bananas.
As for the points Ignorable made, I think they're pretty valid. You did prettymuch just use dialogue and events from the show, and you didn't even get all the dialogue right (like I pointed out earlier). That's not the most original idea, especially with your OC.
As for your OC, he's a little Mary Sueish. I've seen much worse, but you have created a character who is somehow involved in every single episode and becomes friends with the mane cast (I'm assuming, I've only read the first chapter). Plus there's a romance tag, so I'm assuming he'll be shipped with one of the mane cast. The wolf cutie mark is also kind of Sueish.
I've only read the first chapter/episode, but I'll probably read more tomorrow after work.
>>842343 Hell, I'd take out all the self-written monologue bullshit and piece together your criticism. And depression in it of itself is the chemical blockage of serotonin so there's no REAL cure (except for anti-depressant pills that supplement the bodies already low quantities) so all I had to do was dredge up the really bad memories plaguing me and relieve them, and then try to find the silver-lining in it all.
All in all, it made for one long meditation period (as in a month of pure meditation, barely any food and water)
>>842362 No. I use his name rather in a sarcastic manner. But I do believe in a something after life. Maybe the soul rises into a coagulated mass from whence it came (Buddhism) or maybe it sinks back into the earth (my take on Taoism) Either way, I don't like to believe in the "every soul goes to the same place if their good or not" theory.
Alright, let me break this comment down.
First, positive feedback is not the only way of dealing with depression. Where you got that notion, I have no idea.
Second, he wasn't "ranting" per say. Mr. I was merely giving multiple counts of advice in his own unique, and frankly, hilarious, way. And no, he wasn't using depression as an excuse. He was giving an example of what depression is.
I mean, I've mentally ranted about my own past stories! They, when I look back at them, suck!
There are so many insults that I could throw at you right now, but I'm not going to use any, as I would only be stooping to your level. Now, are we simply going to argue why I'm not going outside, or are we going to have an actual conversation based on your past comments?
>>842482 Yep! Because I'm a troll like that!
>>842490 Yes, I do. Ellipses are the punctuation marks you used. Yes, you used them to indicate pauses, but as Broken Soldier pointed out, there are other ways to accomplish that.
To be honest, it's not really a huge problem. You just overused them in that one paragraph, it's not like you had them in every paragraph. Really, everything else I mentioned is a bigger problem.
*sigh* That's it. I can't say much more. I've been trying to reason with everyone but...really...the only thing they can do is read the story. For example, when you were talking about him showing respect to Princess Celestia... The answer lies within the story. That's all I can say. I tried.
>>842607 I did read the story, at least the first chapter. I understand why he'd want to show respect to Princess Celestia; no one wants to offend royalty, but the problem is not him wanting to show respect to her. The problem is there's no indication that he knows Princess Celestia is going to be there. He mentions a special event, something he doesn't even care enough about to remember any details about it. How the hell does he know Celestia is going to be there if he doesn't remember anything about it? If I read the story, will I discover that he has a habit of knowing details about things, but not caring enough to mention them?
As I said, I'll read more tomorrow. Maybe some of the things I mentioned will improve as the story goes on. I do suggest you at least fix the discrepancy between the dialogue in your story and the dialogue in the episode though.
I meant further in the story. There's a reason for everything. The answer is just not in the same page. This allows time for thinking about the reasons and such. The answer is pretty far from the first chapter actually... so you may be "bored" before you get to the better parts but... *shrugs* There's nothing I can do about it.
-Everfree Forest should be capitalised, since it's the name of a place. So should Ponyville.
-Now that it's been mentioned a few times, your character's name seems a bit out of place. Nopony in the show has had a generic name like Alex. Good name for a human? Yes. Good name for a pony? No.
-I realise this is pretty much the entire point of your story, but the whole seventh element thing doesn't seem to make much sense, and it's a little cliched. Why wouldn't the seventh element be in the book? I assume the author got information from Princess Celestia when writing it, so why wouldn't she mention the seventh element? And why didn't the seventh element take the form of a piece of jewelery or an accessory, like the other elements? Also, the last element is Pure Heart? Can you get any more Disney? It just seems cliched and doesn't help me think your character is any less of a Mary Sue.
-Something I do find interesting is how your character is important to the story, and the mane cast's success, but he doesn't really take a central role in the story, and seems to shy away from the spotlight. You have no idea how many fics I've read where the OC overshadows the mane cast, and it's refreshing to see something different.
Reset Password
Resend Verification Email
2,262 ( 67,853 )
More
Less
Post Comment
Refresh
Image: http://pinkie.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/133354236034.jpg
Cancel
Send