Rainbow Dash wants to be just like Daring Do, and she'd travel to the ends of Equestria to make it so. Little does she know, however, that the rainforests of Equestria aren't nearly as forgiving as they appear in her books, and neither are the ponies that inhabit them...
(Cover image [lovingly] ripped from MysticAlpha on deviantart. I won't tell if you won't...)
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I'm going to go with that one Lara Croft game where they tried to reboot her to be gritty, but still didn't understand that such a thing is kind of hard when she still possesses breasts the size of the 'that's no moon' Death Star, but I digress.
Man, possesses is the most snake like word I've ever seen. Why don't I have a reviewing snake for my yacht yet?
Moving on, let's get this over with.
Grammar wise, you're pretty fantastic, good job. Everything flows cleanly and besides the occasional mistake (ashed her, for example) I can see you've put some basic effort into this.
You do have a slight problem with 'Show, don't Tell.' Half the time you're on the right track and everything is fun and imaginative, but the other half of the time you've pulled us down a bit and simply told us what is going on. For a good example, look at the last paragraph of the Daring Do book, and Dash's reaction. One reads like it was written for a science textbook, while the other is packed with all these little subtleties and descriptions which really do wonders for the scene.
I'd recommend just running through this again and just trying to pick out moments where you fall apart and rewriting them a bit. Rainbow getting hit by the boulder is good, Rainbow crashing is not. Study the difference and try to improve on this.
Characters are pretty top notch, and the chain of thought that Dash follows feels really organic and in character. I also like the names for the other ponies, since I know making names is pretty hard thing.
All in all, characters are pretty good.
Finally, plot. Plot is good, I like this plot. It's something that hasn't been done before, so it immediately gains my approval. I'm a little concerned about the gore tag attached to this story, and I'm afraid that you may simply insert gore for gores sake instead of giving it a reason and a place, but I trust you as an author to avoid that, so don't let me down.
I give this story...three pirate X's and a DVD of the Titanic.
Keep up the good work.
Nazkan.
'In some inland post feel the savagery, the utter savagery, had closed round him—all that mysterious life of the wilderness that stirs in the forest, in the jungles, in the hearts of wild ponies.'
Sounds good. Fits with Dash's brash personality, she's not going to think twice before going on a suicide mission. Wonderbolts, though? Just make her sweep past another rejection letter, or something.
Sounds like the Far Cry 3 start.
1819995
Thanks for the feedback! It's really refreshing to get some actual critiques on my stories. I'll be sure to take the pointers into account on the remainder of this, and future projects.
1820156
Congratulations! You win the three internets! Don't spend them all in one place... Or do, y'know, your call.