Chapter 3
Shining Armor stood nervously outside of the door to Celestia’s private chamber, clad in the armor of a Captain of the Guard, sans helmet, and wondering, not for the first time, why the purple sections of the armor seemed so similar to that of his little sister’s coat, and why, for that matter, the crest bore so striking a similarity to Twilight’s cutie mark. He had seen paintings of former captains wearing the same style of armor dating back centuries, so he knew it had to be a coincidence. Still, it was an odd coincidence, and served to distract him from the rather more serious concerns plaguing his thoughts. The night before, at the palace Nightmare Night party, he had finally worked up the nerve to ask Cadence’s parents for their blessing. He had been insistent on that phrasing, making it absolutely clear it was their blessing he wanted, rather than their permission. He quite enjoyed his anatomy as it was, and was well aware that his marefriend would forcibly remove certain key parts if she ever found out he had asked their permission to marry her. Her father had understood the distinction immediately, and had simply whispered, ‘grandfoals’ to his wife before realization dawned on the older mare’s face as well.
There had been only one final hurdle in place after that, certain as he was that Cadence herself would accept: asking Princess Celestia for permission. And in her case, it definitely was permission he needed. While parents hadn’t had legal authority over their adult children’s marriages in centuries, the old laws still gave the Crown Princess the right to forbid or, strangely, enforce marriage among the various princes and princesses. He hadn’t initially anticipated any issues in that regard, either. He and Cadence had made efforts to keep their relationship a secret from the Princess of the Sun, and she, in turn, had made no effort to hinder the couple. That morning, however, a disheveled guardpony had hurried up to him as he inspected his troops, bearing a message directly from Celestia herself, ordering him to report to her immediately. Dutiful as ever, the Captain had galloped towards the royal chamber, fear clenching his heart whenever he pictured the look of abject terror that had been etched into the terrified messenger’s face.
Distracted by that image, and by the fear that Princess Celestia intended to forbid his marriage to the mare he loved, Shining Armor failed to hear the pony approaching from behind until it was too late. A pair of hooves slapped across his eyes as his assailant leaped upon his back. He would insist, if questioned, that the sound which issued from his throat was a warning shout, intended to alert anypony nearby that he was under attack, and to rally the guards to his defense and the defense of the Princess. Anypony else who heard it would insist it was a high-pitched scream, more at home coming from a young filly being told her first ghost story around the campfire.
“Gotcha,” Cadence whispered in his ear playfully before she proceeded to nuzzle the back of his neck. She removed her hooves and slid off her stallions back, one leg still draped around his neck as she pulled him tight in a hug. “Oh, Shiny, this is going to be fantastic!” she said with an enthusiastic smile, unable to see the confusion dawning on her coltfriend’s face.
“Uh… yes. Fantastic,” he agreed, playing along in the hopes that he’d be able to deduce what was so fantastic before she realized he had no clue what she was talking about. “I mean… I can hardly believe how amazing it is, myself.”
Cadence nodded happily. “ I should know.” She winked at him knowingly. “Still, asking last night, and the wedding set within the week? I wish auntie had given us more time to prepare between the announcement and the ceremony. A few months to give me enough time to arrange the dress, and the caterer, and the entertainment… oh, and early summer weddings are so lovely, too.” She tilted her head back in thought, unaware of the growing panic constricting Shining Armor's chest.
‘Well, upside… I guess Celestia is fine with the marriage. Downside, she’s a little bit too fine with the marriage,' he thought to himself. To his unexpected, if not unwelcome, fiancée, he nodded.
“Yes, early summer weddings are nice. Are we sure it’s too late to plan for that?” He flinched as he considered how that question could be taken. “Not that I think we should postpone things, of course, but… well, you said it yourself, these things take time to plan properly.” He was fully aware he was playing a dangerous game, trying to distract a marriage-minded mare, especially one with the power to make him fall in love with a wood chipper if he made too great a misstep. He was about to propose they at least wait until he could properly propose, when the door slammed open, causing him to emit another rallying shriek.
“What my niece is referring to, Captain Armor, is of course the recent announcement by my sister that she intends to marry the Elements of Harmony, including your sister, by week’s end, as well as her plans to include my marriage to our mutually beloved Twilight Sparkle in that same ceremony,” a very haggard-looking Princess Celestia explained, eyeing her captain wearily. “She was not referring to any other weddings that may, or may not, occur in the future, though which would almost assuredly have my blessing provided they occurred once the current crisis is resolved, with the caveat that nopony loses sight of the issue at hoof, or causes the situation to worsen as a result of inadequate communication.” The way she was staring at him made her meaning clear to her captain, who nodded quickly. “Good. I’ve already had a breakdown in communication result in one massive headache today. I don’t need any more misunderstandings making things worse.”
“Of course, Princess. Understood, Princess.” He saluted sharply, a weight lifting off his chest. He had tacit permission to marry Cadence, Cadence was in a good mood, Celestia and Luna were going to marry his sister. “Wait. Sorry, back up. You and Princess Luna are both marrying Twilight now?”
Cadence gave him puzzled look. “Of course, Shiny… what did you think we were talking about earlier, if not that?” She squinted at her beloved as her already brilliant smile growing almost imperceptibly wider. "Are there any other weddings coming up I should know about?"
“Oh, no, I knew we were talking about that, of course,” he replied hastily, sweat beading up on his forehead as he tried to recover the conversation, acutely aware of the larger princess’ gaze upon him. “I just… didn’t catch the whole story earlier, so I thought it was just Twilight finally accepting Princess Celestia’s proposal. I didn’t realize Luna was involved, too.” He held his breath and hoped the love-oriented princess would be distracted enough by the upcoming weddings to accept the lie.
She was, to his eternal relief. “Well, that does make sense. With how busy you are most mornings, you can’t really be faulted for seeing an announcement of a royal wedding, and just assuming Twilight had finally accepted auntie’s offer. They’ve been practically engaged for more than a decade, so you didn't really have much reason to read further.” Satisfied with Shining Armor’s answer, she began to trot in place, glad that her favorite foalsitting charge had finally realized that she was worthy of happiness.
Neither pony noticed the Solar Princess’ fluttering eyelid, the royal pupils shrunk to pinpricks as her lips curled up in a tight, forced smile. “I’m… sorry. Who’s been what for how long, Cadenza?” Her voice had dropped to nearly a whisper, and she was barely able to keep the panic from it even with her lifetimes of practice concealing her emotions.
“Twiley’s been waiting to marry you for… most of her life, by now, actually,” Shining Armor casually replied, as if reminding somepony what they’d had for breakfast. “She was so excited after you told her you’d marry her when she was ready; she just kept going on and on about it. Got a bit annoying after a bit, but that little hopping-circle-dance thing she does when she’s happy is adorable enough that it makes up for it.” He paused, grinning at the remembered scene. “I mean, yeah, Mom and Dad weren’t sure it was really appropriate at first, but eventually they decided to be pragmatic about it. I think they figured that if she was waiting for you she probably wouldn’t end up fooling around with some no-account stallion and ending up with a bastard foal, so they decided not to worry about it too much.”
The twitching grew more pronounced. “So… the reason Twilight has never shown any inclination towards romance… was because of my promise to marry her, those many years ago?” Celestia asked, voice strained. She was answered by a pair of nods. “And… how many ponies were… privy to this information, captain?”
Shining Armor scratched the back of his head with a hoof as he thought. “Well… Twiley, obviously; me, mom, dad, and Spike… sweetie, she told you, right?” His marefriend nodded, eyes closed as she smiled happily. “Our grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, a few close family friends… I think I remember a reporter finding out somehow. Mom practically kicked his cutie mark off when he came around asking questions…”
‘Well, that explains all of those marriage rumors and molestation accusations that have been floating around for the past decade,’ Celestia reflected. ‘I probably owe a few ponies an apology…and perhaps an official pardon.’ She shook her head. There were more immediate problems to handle.
“So… yes, of course. Of course I promised to marry my most faithful student. Tell me… just hypothetically, what do you think would happen if Twilight found out I’d meant that I’d marry her in the sense of performing her wedding ceremony, instead of in the sense of making her my royal consort?” Her tone was as casual as she was able to make it, which, admittedly, was not terribly casual at that precise moment.
“Well, she’d certainly be heartbroken, no doubt about that,” Cadence offered thoughtfully. “Best case scenario, she’d probably overreact and reject you completely in turn, then turn to a string of meaningless relationships and one-night stands with whatever mares and stallions she could have, both to spite you and to fill the holes, both physical and psychological, your perceived rejection had left empty. If you know what I mean.” The mare winked suggestively, while still somehow remaining completely serious in her assessment. “Long term, I’d imagine her parents wouldn’t be able to bear seeing what their daughter had become, so they’d have no choice but to disown her, forcing her to live on the streets of Canterlot and support herself as a cheap whore, since using magic would be too painful as a reminder of you.
“I’d give her… five years, at most, before they found her dead, either of exposure or from a trick gone bad, probably with a string of illegitimate foals that would end up in the foster care system.” She tilted her head to the side. “There’s also a possibility that if her talent for magic passed down to the next generation, one or more of those foals would swear vengeance against you, blaming you for their mother’s fall from grace and their own hard lives, and dedicate their lives to tearing down all you’ve built up during yours.”
Celestia stared at the young princess, mouth open, eyes wide. “That… that’s what you call the best case scenario!?”
“I think that’s actually a bit rosey, but… yeah, sounds pretty close to what I'd come up with,” Shining Armor agreed casually. “Worst case… well, in her heartbroken state, Twiley would probably swear vengeance against you herself, then use dark magic to tear all positive emotions from her soul, leaving her a corrupt, bitter mare with a single-minded devotion to your destruction. Depending on how strong her link to the other Elements of Harmony are, they might end up corrupted too, meaning there’d be a group of six mares with massively powerful magic artifacts on the loose. If your sister still went through with her planned marriage to them, there’s a chance she’d embrace the power of Nightmare Moon again, and Twiley’d almost definitly try to release Discord so she could pit him against you.
“The Guard would stand at your side initially, of course, but I’d eventually be overcome by the conflict between my loyalty to you and my loyalty to my sister. An opportunity would arise for me to kill her and end the conflict, but I’d hesitate, unable to bring myself to kill my baby sister. She’d probably end up using her dark magic to corrupt me, and through me the rest of the guard.” He titled his own head in a gesture mirroring Cadence’s earlier. “Probably… six months later, you’d be imprisoned in stone, or dead, while Discord, Nightmare Moon, and the Dark Queen Twilight Sparkle ruled over Equestria with iron hooves and claw.”
“You've thought about this before,” Celestia noted grimly. Shining Armor simply shrugged.
“If I may be blunt, Princess Celestia, I don’t have think either of us have any illusions about our sisters’ mental stability, or lack thereof. No offense meant to either your sister or your fiancée, of course. As Captain of the Guard I’ve had plans drawn up for most of the potential threats that we might have to face in defense of Equestria. Unfortunately, that includes my sister going insane and trying to murder us all. There are actually seven major plans, just for situations in which Twilight turns on us, and another two dozen minor variations for those." His grim expression brightened considerably. “I’m just glad I won’t need to use them now, since you’d never break her heart like that.
“Yes… yes, that’s true. I would definitely never try to correct a misunderstanding if the end result of that correction would be pain, heartbreak, destruction, and death.” Celestia nodded and forced herself to smile, silently wondering if she was the only sane one among a nation of madponies, or if she herself had gone mad without realizing it. “With that in mind, please come in. I… need to… have you both help me…” She paused, juggling her thoughts as she threw about for an excuse. ‘Help me figure out a way to stop these weddings,’ was the original end to that sentence, her faith initially placed in her captain of the guard and her love-minded niece to find a gracious way out for everypony involved, which wouldn’t end with her sister’s feelings of rejection resulting in another attempt at eternal night. “Help me prepare for the ceremony. Ceremonies,” she concluded, ushering the couple into her quarters. “That is absolutely why I called you here in the first place. Because I shall need…caterers. And a suitable dress. And… other things associated with modern weddings.” She wracked her brain for some way to quickly end the conversation and return to her private scheming to resolve the issues, settling on what was hopefully the most uncomfortable topic she could. “Also, I will need advice for the honeymoon. I’ve not been intimate with a mare for… several centuries. Tell me, are bridles and crops still considered default equipment for such relations?”
The advice her captain and her niece proceeded to offer left Celestia with an entirely too detailed understanding of the couple’s extracurricular activities, along with an intense need for a long, hot, cleansing bath. She gradually tuned the pair out, thinking instead of her student, picturing the poor, possibly panicked pony, fleeing for her life from her sister’s mad marriage. Visions flashed through the goddess’s mind of Twilight trapped in a dark cavern, bound and gagged by some unknown assailant, her tail pulled up…
Celestia realized what she’d begun to imagine, and changed her mind. She didn’t need a warm bath, she needed a cold shower and a significant distance from a font of love magic. ‘I can only hope, Twilight is having better luck than I am,’ she thought ruefully, as Shining and Cadence began to mime one of the suggested techniques, and Celestia fought back the urge to vomit.
****
“Oh, Celestia, make it stop!” Rainbow Dash wailed in agony. “Luna, oh dark goddess of the night and shadows, I, your future bride, pledge myself to you fully, in both body and soul, if you will make this torture cease! Ia! Ia! Luna dreams! Luna dreams!”
“Confound it, Rainbow Dash, just hold still and let me finish checking if your measurements have changed since I created your gala gown.” Rarity shook her head as her friend struggled against the tape measure around her barrel. “And ponies accuse me of overreaction and melodrama. Fluttershy didn’t give me any trouble at all. She simply stayed perfectly still and let me confirm the measurements I had on file for her, and here you are, squirming and squealing like a little filly and shouting dark and blasphemous prayers to our joint fiancée.”
“Rarity, ya’ll do realize Fluttershy’s sorta in a coma right now,” Applejack pointed out from her position next to the catatonic mare. She gestured to Fluttershy, currently laying on her side, legs outstretched, face still frozen in a mask of terror.
Rarity nodded. “I can hardly blame her, Applejack. This is all so exciting, I can barely stand it myself.”
“I knew letting you read Daring Do and the Lunar Calling was a mistake, Dash,” Twilight grumbled to herself, her horn still enveloped in a pale blue glow. “And please, please don’t say anything like that if Princess Luna finds us. There’s no way it’ll end well for us.”
“Why not, Twilight?” Pinkie asked from her spot near the pastries, sitting between Sweetie Belle and Spike and munching away at the doughy treats. “Do they really work, and they’ll make Luna all super-powerful and crazy?”
“No, Pinkie. But it would be incredibly tacky, and more than a little rude." Twilight looked at Pinkie for a moment, wondering how she was somehow able to simultaneously look terrified and overjoyed at her own suggestion. Shaking her head, she turned her attention from Pinkie and crossed her eyes to look at her horn. “By the way, Rarity, you do realize you’re no match for me in a contest of magic, right?” She looked over at the dressmaker as she continued to struggle with Rainbow Dash.
“Of course I know that, Twilight.” Sighing, she casually jabbed Rainbow Dash in a cluster of nerves known as the 'Tailor's Friend.' Dash’s legs and wings instantly went rigid as her eyes closed, the needle temporarily, and harmlessly, rendering her unconscious. “Wonderful. That’s mostly for children, and I wasn’t sure it would still work on an adult.
“No, I mean, I’m vastly more powerful. Not to brag, but… compared to me, you’re basically an ant.” She smiled weakly. "No offense."
“I’m quite aware of that, darling, and no offense taken,” Rarity nodded, turning her attention to focus on Dash. “Did you have a point you were trying to make, Twilight?”
“Well, it’s just that, this neutralizing field you have on my horn,” she began, gesturing to the shrouded appendage with her hoof. “I could shatter it without even having to exert myself, and regain full access to my magic, but the backlash would probably kill you. So maybe you want to release it on your own, so we can get out of town before Luna or her guards come looking for us?” Twilight forced herself to present a genuine-looking smile, carefully keeping an eye out for any needles heading in her direction.
“I’m sorry, darling, but I simply can’t,” Rarity answered sadly as she began to gather measurements from the second prone pegasus. “If you really feel you must, I’ll understand if you decide to kill me. Truly, it might be preferable, in the long run, to being torn away from marriage to my true love.”
“Your ‘true love,’ Rarity?” Applejack quirked an eyebrow as she looked back and forth between the two unicorns, suddenly finding herself in the position to debate which of the mares was crazier. “As Ah recall, you were passed out all last night, Rares; you didn’t even meet Princess Luna.” She rubbed a hoof against her forehead. “And Ah’m certain she wasn’t yer ‘true love’ a couple months ago when you were moonin’ over that Blueblood fella.”
“Do not mention his vile name!” Rarity shouted, turning Applejack with a dark glare. “He was an ill-bred, jumped up cur of a princeling, unfit to scrub the floors of the castle’s bathrooms with his horrid tongue!” Her glare softened, and she gazed off into the distance. “Princess Luna, meanwhile, is respecting that most ancient and noble of traditions. Namely, that the one who saves a princess, is granted the hoof of that princess in marriage.” She returned to the present long enough to consider the other five mares involved, toss a small shrug, and returned to her fantasy. “Or, in this case, the ones who save a princess are granted her hoof in a joint marriage which is presumably legal if said princess wills it to be so,” Tears began welling up in the corners of her eyes as she stared dreamily at a wall.
“It’s just like a faerie tale,” Sweetie squeaked happily, smiling over at her sister. “Don’t you think, Spike?”
“I think it sounds a bit more like a letter to Misbehaving Mares Monthly, personally, but yeah, we can go with faerie tale,” he countered as he nibbled on a cruller. “Both tend to have a completely implausible premise, and have a happy ending for everypony involved.”
Twilight looked at her young ward with narrowed eyes “Spike, we’ll discuss your choice in reading materials later,” she said, attempting to sound sinister and threatening; judging by the dragon’s chuckles and the foal’s airy giggle, she had failed spectacularly. “Of more pressing concern… Rarity, I still don’t understand. Even if Blu… that stallion we’re not naming because you’re scary, as well as sexy, when you’re angry, is an uncultured idiot – which, sorry, I should have given you a heads-up on that – that doesn’t explain why one bad experience would sour you on stallions in general.”
“Oh, darling, I’m not attracted to stallions.” Rarity chuckled to herself as she resumed her measurements of Rainbow Dash. “Mares either, really. At least, not based entirely on that criterion.” She chuckled to herself at the thought. “Really, to choose one’s mate based strictly on gender; that’s simply too limiting a mindset, especially when each can… perform the necessary tasks well enough to satisfy.” She glanced warily at Sweetie Belle as she carefully phrased her response. “And no, before you ask, I’m not basing this on matters of wealth, either; those who marry for money are no better in my opinion than common… mares of the evening.” Another wary glance at her sister, who was at that point engrossed in a cherry Danish.
“Ah know I’m gonna regret askin’ this, but what are you basin’ this whole thing on, Rarity?” Applejack asked, nearly ready to conclude that Twilight Sparkle was not, through some mad twist of fate, the craziest pony in the building.
“Romance, Applejack!” Rarity answered, fainting on to her waiting couch gleefully, Dash’s measurements completed. “A princess, and a divine princess at that, wishes to sweep me off my hooves and into a living faerie tale. How could any mare not wish to live out a dream come true of such magnitude, to experience such a grand romantic gesture firsthoof?” She squealed in delight. “We even get a real and proper castle!”
“Twi, I think we’ve well and truly lost Rarity,” Applejack noticed, eliciting a nod from her marginally less crazy friend. “Pinkie, you seemed like you were pretty much in favor of this earlier. Do Ah have that right?”
“Absotively, Applejack! I mean, just think of all the parties we’ll need first! We’ll all need to have bridal showers, and bachelorette parties, and the rehearsal dinner, and the reception, and then anniversary parties for years to come, and… oh, Applejack, it’s just so wonderful.” Her grin actually seemed to somehow grow wider than her face as she covered Sweetie Belle’s ears with her hooves. “Applejack, we get to have the one kind of party I’ve never been able to have before." Her eyes twinkled as her body quivered with anticipation.
“Pinkie, how in the wide world of Equestria can there still be a type of party you ain’t thrown?” Applejack asked in disbelief. “Ya’ll’ve had birthday parties, wedding parties, wakes, both swingin’ and otherwise, bachelor parties, bachelorette parties, anniversaries, bridal showers, baby showers, goin’-away parties, welcome-home parties, graduations, fake-murder-mystery parties, a real-murder-mystery party, and even that one festive search party you took charge of.” She pushed her hat further back her head. “Still not sure how you managed to pull that one off, but the foals were found, and everypony enjoyed the gingerbread house, so Ah’ll give it to ya. Ah even remember that time you tried ta arrange an…” The realization hit her harder than Rainbow Dash had hit her barn a few weeks before, all the pieces falling into place.
“Pinkie… no. Just… just no.” Her pupils dilated as panic began to set in, and she began to plead with the other mare. “Pinkie, you remember what happened when you tried to get folks to go to the first one, don’t you? The torches, and pitchforks, and effigies of you they started burnin’ before the Cakes convinced everypony you’d gotten into some special brownies they’d made, and weren’t quite right in the head when you’d sent out the invitations. Please, please tell me you remember that.”
“Remember what, Applejack? What kind of party did she try to throw?” Twilight asked, panic once more rising, her magic straining reflexively against the weak ward restricting it as Rarity, seemingly over her own fantasy, began to take her measurements measurements. “A tea party at the harbor? A political party? A ritual sacrifice? Does ritual sacrifice even count as a party?”
“An orgy!” the two mares replied at once, Applejack in defeat, Pinkie in triumph.
“Huh? Whazzat?” Dash muttered, roused from her needle-induced bout of unconsciousness by the possible forthcoming activities. “Pinkie, did you just suggest an orgy again?” she asked with a groan, wondering for the second time that day why she was waking up on the floor of Carousel Boutique. “Don’t you remember the last time you tried that?”
“See, Pinkie? Even Dash thinks it’s a terrible idea.” Applejack nodded, panic fading as Dash of all ponies acted as the voice of reason.
Her calm was short lived. “I mean, think about it, Pinkie. We’re getting married to Princess Luna in a couple days. Now, I get that she needs to have a royal harem, so we all have to share her, but you think she’ll be willing to share us with anypony else?” The pegasus glanced over at Twilight. “Well, except for Twi, I guess. But sisters are supposed to share, so that’s different."
“Well, duh, Dashie. If we’re going to be married to a princess, we can’t just be having one that’s open to the public; that’s just crazy talk!” she exclaimed, still holding her hooves over the increasingly confused filly’s ears. “But she was so nice last night after we worked out that she wasn’t really going to eat anypony. What if she doesn’t want to hurt anypony’s feelings by picking one of us first, so she just… you know. All of us at once.” She winked suggestively, leaving Twilight and Applejack feeling vaguely ill.
“Oh, well yeah, it makes total sense, when you put it like that,” Dash agreed casually as she walked over to the pasties, grabbing a corn muffin with her mouth. “Really, that’s probably the only way the rest of you’d get any play anyway.” Crumbs fell from her mouth as she chewed on her breakfast. “I mean, come on; she’s the second most powerful pony in the world. Why’d she settle for anypony except the most awesome pony in the world, if she had to choose?”
“Okay, so that’s a third pony who’s disturbingly fine with this,” Applejack muttered, inching closer to Twilight. “Twi, ya’ll ever get the feeling everypony in this town is crazy?”
“You have no idea, Applejack. No idea,” she whispered in response, wondering if Celestia would forgive her for killing Rarity with the magical backlash that would result from breaking the block. “So, just making sure I’m clear on this, going forward. On the side in favor of running, we’ve got me, Applejack, and presumably Fluttershy, operating on the assumption that her lack of consciousness is a response to her finding this an unfavorable situation. On the side in favor of an overly complicated and, some might argue, disturbing arrangement of marriages, we have Rarity, the faerie tale princess; Pinkie, our potentially perverted party planner, and Rainbow Dash, who arguably has the most rational reason for wanting this, at least given a definition of ‘rational’ which can be applied to wanting to hump like bunnies with the princess.” Four ponies nodded, while a baby dragon was again treated to a pleasing visual. Cerulean against midnight had a certain aesthetic appeal, he decided.
“Huh… bunny with a princess?” Fluttershy suddenly snapping out of her comatose state, looking about in concern. “Oh, Angel, mommy’s asked you not to do that; you know how upset everypony gets when you try to defile royalty, and… uh, I’m sorry, but why was I sleeping on Rarity’s floor?” Her eyes then went wide as the events from earlier caught up to her. “Oh, I’m sorry, did I pass out from fear and make you drag me around again? I know how inconvenient that can be for everypony.” She blushed, shifting her head so that she could partially hide behind her mane.
“Oh, it’s quite alright, darling,” Rarity responded, offering her sweet voiced friend her most winning smile as Sweetie Belle pulled herself free of Pinkie’s grasp and trotted over to greet the newly awakened pegasus. “It was quite helpful, actually. You didn’t squirm at all while I measured you for your wedding dress, unlike a certain pony I could name.” She shot Dash another dirty look, which was pointedly ignored, before turning back to Fluttershy. “Dear, I realize you’ve had a terribly complicated morning, and after your least favorite night as well, so I’m sorry to ask, but we’re having a bit of a disagreement.”
“Fluttershy, tell us the truth, what would you rather do,” Twilight began, hopeful that Fluttershy’s response would snap the others back to their senses. “Would you rather stay here, and wait for Princess Luna to have us all brought to Canterlot to marry her, all at the same time, or would you rather–”
“Spend the rest of your life running away from a goddess who can find you in your dreams, forced to live in dark forests and dim caves, away from the safety and security of all you’ve ever known?” Rarity interjected with a sly glance at the other unicorn. She wasn’t about to let Twilight shade Fluttershy’s response, at least not without some counter-shading of her own. The pegasus, predictably, squeaked in fear and dove behind Rarity’s couch.
“Are those my only options?” she asked, her instinct to collapse again overwhelmed by her fear of where she might next awaken if she did lose consciousness. She cautiously peeked out from behind the furniture, and was greeted by two emphatic nods. “Oh. Well, in that case… if you don’t mind, I suppose marrying Princess Luna is a little less terrifying than living in caves forever. At least it isn’t as scary as marrying a stallion. Unless unicorns use their horns for… for that.” Her cheeks reddening terribly at the possibility. “If we’re sure ‘stay home and never open the front door again’ definitely isn’t an option, anyway.” She quickly ducking back behind the couch, trying not to think about what she might have to do as the Princess’ bride. Rarity’s look of smug satisfaction went unseen by the frightened pegasus, as did Twilight’s crestfallen face. The purple unicorn was about to offer a counter-argument, when there was a loud pounding on the front door.
“Attention, engaged scum!” a muffled male voice called out from the other side of the door. “I am Sergeant White Snake of the Canterlot Royal Guard, Night Division. I, along with my subordinates, Hair Warrant and Glamour Poison, have been sent to retrieve the future royal consorts. We know the six of you are inside. Surrender immediately, so we can take you into custody and convey you to a life of marital bliss by the side of the Royal Sisters, may they reign forever.” There was a brief pause, and the quiet sound of ponies talking outside. “Apparently, our orders are that, if you won’t come peacefully, we are to take you by force, and that lethal force has been authorized. Honestly, I’m reasonably sure these orders are actually a hastily modified version of the boiler-plate used to send guards to apprehend normal fugitives, but we’re not really in a position to disobey them, so… you have thirty seconds to comply, or we’ll be forced to break the door down. Also, congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.”
The anguished scream of a unicorn who’d concluded the universe had some kind of vendetta against her quickly attracted the few reporters who hadn’t noticed the arrival of the bat-winged pegasi and similarly-coated unicorn to the designer’s shop, as well as a significant portion of the town’s population, who had previously been content to mill about outside their homes since the strange shouted ‘what?’ which had awakened them shortly after dawn. Within twenty seconds, there were easily two hundred ponies gathered around the Carousel Boutique, wondering what was about to happen.
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What did i just read?
This was hilarious. Just a small note though - you used defiantly when you should've used definitely twice.
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This... this is amazing. That is all
1864171 Mea culpa, and thanks for the catch; corrected. Now that I seem to have started catching the then/than issue myself, that's definitely the bane of my existence.
Common Twilight you can just get applejack to remove it and problem solved.
Oh, poor ponies...
There's no escape now.
Hopefully Celestia will be able to pull some hat trick to keep these marriages from going through.
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
p.s. That was hilarious
p.p.s. You should give MOAR.......please?
Haha, how are they going to get out of this one? Also, notice how Twilight only has an objection to marrying Luna.
One minor quibble. The word defiantly keeps popping up when you mean definitely.
Argh. Too many commas in the first paragraph. So... slow... It was hard to get through. The second paragraph looked like more of the same. I haven't read further yet. It's a struggle to break into this chapter. Can you speed up the pacing on the way it opens?
I nearly died of laughter at least four times this chapter. Cadence and Shining Armor's descriptions of Twilight going crazy were perfect. And the mane 6's opinions on the marriages were amazing as well.
1864254 1864261 Yes, yes, I know, and I'm sorry. I thought I'd just fixed them...bah, maybe I forgot to save. I don't even know why I'm doing that. I just seem to naturally type defiantly when I mean definitely. Dunno why.
This was doomed before, but now it is so doomed that I can find a doomed enough simile.
Hair Warrant and Glamour Poison.
Am I the only one who thinks this is a reference to Hair/Glam Metal bands Warrant and Poison?
Holy shit,Cadence and Shining's hypothesis
My sides!
oh my
just what the hell just.....
... well, I managed not to die laughing during this chapter. Barely.
Seriously, this story is just a laugh riot!
This is shaping up to be quite the situation. Keep up the good work.
Although, you may want to check you word choice a bit. You put Defiantly in a few places I think you meant to put Definitely. Also, Barring is not the same as Bearing.
Shining's scenarios for Twilight... my sides...
Though originally I was for the main six escaping, after hearing all the arguments I am kind of for them marrying the princesses
This. Was. Win.
Did Rainbow Dash just liken Luna to a Great Old One? If so than this fic has shot past gold and into platinum.
And if apparently no one trusts Twilight's mental fortitude, than why the hell is she still allowed in public?
Only those with the most ridiculous of names are chosen to join the Night Division.
[ORIGINAL COMMENT REDACTED FOR REAL CONTENT]
This story, it has words. Stories need to have words. There are also characters, they do stuff. That is also important for stories. This has all the requirements to be a story.
1864213 [ORIGINAL COMMENT REDACTED FOR REAL CONTENT]
This story, it has words. Stories need to have words. There are also characters, they do stuff. That is also important for stories. This has all the requirements to be a story.
1864285 [ORIGINAL COMMENT REDACTED FOR REAL CONTENT]
This story, it has words. Stories need to have words. There are also characters, they do stuff. That is also important for stories. This has all the requirements to be a story.
“Gotcha,” Cadence whispered in his ear playfully before she preceded to nuzzle the back of his neck.
preceded should be proceeded
I can appreciate exaggerating for the purposes of humor, and I'm certainly not going to ask you to change anything — it's your story, and you can write it however you want. It's clearly met a lot of success the way it is. But I can still wish the characters at least acted like themselves, instead of as rather extreme comedic parodies of themselves.
Despite myself, I laughed my ass off at this chapter. You're very good at comedy, my personal desires aside.
Okay:
1) Make the weading go through
2) Write the Orgy scene.
Do this and I will live you forever!
And Psycholight is about to implode Ponyville. Was a nice town....
Sweet Celestia, this is the funnest thing ever.
Oh wow.
Hurry up to the bow chicka wow wow!
Well, I'm thoroughly enjoying this. Shining Armour's and Cadence's rejection scenarios seem bizarrely plausible...
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I did die of laughter.
Of course, laughter's the best medicine, so I got better.
Well the insanity has definitely increased loved Shining Armour and Cadence's response to Celestia about what would happen if she told Twilight it was a misunderstanding. Not sure about the Mane 6's reaction to all of this, got nothing to really say. Awaiting more insanity in the chapters to come and good job so far.
1864285
Well, since they tagged along with White Snake...
1864285 You know, now that you mention it, I'm surprised I didn't catch that. I wouldn't be surprised if they were
This has gotta be the best thing i've ever read and i've read a lot of things. BWAHAHAHHAAA!!!!!
I managed to slog through the chapter after a few tries. Your gift for innuendo holds strong, which is good. This chapter is nonetheless weaker than the preceding two.
Cadence's best-case scenario was implausible. Shining Armor calling it 'a bit rosey' made the implausibility worse, not better. Shining Armor's worst-case scenario was more sensible, so kudos there.
Rarity strangling Rainbow Dash is an utter tonal mismatch for the material. There's an obvious answer here. Since Pinkie Pie and Rarity are on the same side of the disagreement, just have Pinkie Pie pin Dashie down. That's the sort of thing the show would do (if it were to take on a crazy idea like this, which of course it wouldn't).
Why did Twilight call Rainbow Dash's reason for wanting the marriage 'rational'? I didn't understand it.
"Attention, engaged scum," wasn't funny, it was stupid. That phrase just made me frown.
I'm still tracking and still wanting to read more, but I'm disappointed with this update. Hopefully it will be revised. If not, hopefully the next one will be better.
What happened to Corporal Motley Crüe?
Trying very hard to breathe, laughing so hard.
Very well done. Oddly enough, the ponies seem somewhat in character as far as their reactions to the wedding, although Rarity seems a bit too intense, but then again she got woken up early. That can make anypony a bit more abrasive than normal.
The bit with Celestia and her 'promise' was hilarious, especially when she realised she had no way out.
One thing I must request...please continue beyond the actual weddings to how it effects the rest of the plot.
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Luna f'taghn.
This, this right hear was awesome.
I'll have to remember that one. Maybe I'll even throw in a Curling Iron after that?
Haven't read it yet. Faved it though to read later. Lmao at description
I loved how calm and blase Cadence and Shining were at Twilight's possible rejection scenarios.
"Lethal force has been authorized." I was amused, which turned into a gigglesnort at his last line.
I dont think i can fit enough
s into a comment to equal how awesome this story is..... so
^
(yea moustache raised to the power of moustache) will have to suffice.
Amazingly hilarious story
>>Titanium Gavel
Shit, how did I miss the White Snake reference!?
Oh, by all the powers above, below and beyond I needed this. Reading about what would happen if Celestia told Twilight there had been a misunderstanding sent me into a deep laughing fit that ended up with me on the floor half-passed out from lack of air. I kind of want to see that fic now, at least the "worst case" Shining had.... .
When I recovered enough to keep reading the "bridles and crops" comment sent me into more chuckles and then the rest of the scene sent me into another laughing fit. Then the whole rest of the fic I was half laughing half coughing from laughing too hard. Pure comedy gold and a much needed laugh to help on a bad day.
Amorsexual Rarity is great, Pinkie is perfectly in character and Playa Dash fits as well. I feel very very sorry for Fluttershy in all of this. Twilight and Applejack not so much. Well, Applejack gets my sympathy but Twilight really just needs to calm down some. I mean this takes place after "Lesson Zero" so she should know that panicking never solves anything.
And that bit with the guards in the end, a great capper for everything else.
Please, for all that is good in this world keep it up!
Why are they worried? Have they forgotten that Twilight's older brother, Shining Armor, is the Captain of the Royal Guard?
There are.... SO MANY THINGS... that are absolutely hilarious in this chapter.
Cadence and Shining's scenarios... Celestia coming to the conclusion that she may be the only sane pony in the world... Pinkie's Orgy... Rainbow Dash's reasoning... Twilight's possible justifiable homicide of Rarity... and of course... that lovely guard arrest order.
Come out and surrender peacefully or we'll take you by force, up to lethal if necessary, and congratulations on your engagement indeed...
I wonder if they'll come back to why the Captain of the Guard's armor is in Twilight's themes...