The Writers' Group56,384 stories ·9,291 members
Luna Is The Best Pony4,627 stories ·7,263 members
Princess Luna had been locked away, sealed in the moon for the last thousand years. She has tried twice to cover the world in eternal darkness. Luna does not feel that she has received a punishment befitting of her actions, so under the guise of the Mysterious Mare-Do-Well she protects the citizens of Canterlot from harm as repentance for her evil deeds.
Page generated in 0.089 seconds
Total duration
671 users online
970,220 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
A+, lovely, best princess, etc etc dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/yay_red.png
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/32060191.jpg
Awesome concept and brilliant presentation! I have so many scenarios going through my head right now.
I feel like I'm actually watching the show, or well reading a script for an over arching episode.
Phrasing and flow in this section near here are very strong but "like a river that bore no fish to catch" is a little odd; unless ponies catch-and-release for fun you might want to do "for a bear to catch" or somesuch. Otherwise you almost imply ponies eat fish.
*spoilers below*:
This is interesting headcanon about Luna being able to visit dreams as a recent thing, however I think the pool might be better tied to some other figure who had the idea, but perhaps had not perfected it (e.g. Starswirl and/or Clover), or some reason why Luna didn't get gifted this earlier. Explain how or why it was in Celestia (or whoever else's) power to craft this thing in the first place. Was it waiting for Luna as a present since she became NMM and just wasn't given to her, etc? It'd be good to answer these questions.
The wait was worth it! Pretty good chapter, look forward to reading more.
Looks really promising. Well thought out and well written.
Shadow Sneaker would make a good male equivalent to Catwoman.
2197371
Thanks! I never really thought about him being like Catwoman, so I'll have to think about that. Y'all might see a bit more of Shadow in the future.
I DEMAND MORE!
We really need a Luna Canterlot Voice emoticon.
Back on topic, this fanfict, besides for a few errors I spotted here and there, is very awesome. Have a yay.
So much love is flowing through my yes.
This was a pretty solid beginning. I'm curious as to where you take this.
Check Skype for grammar and diction fixes.
Overall, pretty solid. I'm looking forward to seeing where you take this.
Other notes are also on Skype.
FloydienSlip here from WRITE delivering the requested review for Defender of the Night by Cozmosus.
I had an entire review written out, then accidentally closed the tab. I'm so sorry about that. Have Review 1.1!
Initial impressions were good, but I can't go terribly in-depth because there are only two chapters so far.
Things that made me want to stop believing:
Some words are used incorrectly. The most prominent one was the use of the word "alabaster" as a reference to Luna's hoof in the first chapter. Alabaster is most commonly a shade of white, while Luna is a dark, metallic blue. Something like "dark cobalt" or even "deep navy" would suffice as replacement words. Certain sentences had awkward structure. The first chapter, for example, had this sentence: "Finally, their destination had been reached." While the point is made and does get across to the reader, it is unnecessarily wordy. Try "Finally, they reached their destination" instead.
During parts of the story, certain points were left unexplained and confused me. Why was Celestia glaring at Luna in the first chapter? How can Luna be killed if she is immortal? What happened to Shadow after he became unconscious, and why did Luna return to the castle without doing something with him? I suppose the last question might be explained in a future installment, but that shift between the two scenes was jarring to me. Also, I sincerely hope that the dream sequence in the very beginning is at least referenced again in the story. Though it was well written and intriguing, it will become filler if ignored later.
Your writing style uses a lot of summarizing during some parts of the story, while in others it seems to be nothing but details. Neither are inherently bad, but the story would benefit greatly if you used the "show, don't tell" adage to its full extent. Don't describe too many details as to make your writing purple, but don't just sum up events either.
Things that rocked the Casbah:
Your mechanics were better than average. You avoided common errors and misspellings, which is always nice to see. Though some sentences had mistakes (see above), you did a nice job overall.
The premise is interesting and draws the reader in (it did to me, anyway). Luna becomes Mare-Do-Well? I like it. What I liked even more is that Luna did not initially plan to become a vigilante of the night but was instead influenced by Celestia's Night Pool. Your pacing, though a bit shaky towards the beginning, has smoothed out and keeps the plot progressing along at a good pace, which is something many writers (myself included) have trouble with.
The burglary scene was well written, and provided a nice introduction for both of your OCs. Speaking of which, your OCs are good: they're not Mary Sues or your average self-insert. Rather, they're a pair of common thieves, criminal scum if you will. Shadow, especially, is a strong original character. He's described enough that readers can get a good feel for his personality, but is under-described on purpose so that readers will be left wanting to know more about him and his background, so props for that. Celestia and Luna also had good characterization, though Luna comes off as a bit of a hothead.
The fight scene was great, if a bit on the purple side. Though it wasn't dialogue-heavy, I found myself chuckling at some of things that were said ("That chick's an alicorn!"). Your description of Luna's thought process throughout the scene itself was impressive and gave a nice glimpse into her mindset. Hopefully, Shadow will appear later in the story as well. The ending scene was absolutely wonderful by comparison. It treated the reader to a comedic note in an otherwise dark story. The last paragraph in particular made me laugh, and the end killed me.
In short, this story is very good. The concept is solid and has enormous amounts of potential, depending on where you decide to take this. There were some mistakes in sentence construction, as well as unanswered questions, but other than that, I eagerly await the next installment!
Score: 8/10
fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/349/4/b/reviewer_logo_longver03_01_by_burrakupansa-d5o60h2.png
FloydienSlip, WRITE's music-obsessed analyst.
2564062
Thanks for your input, I'll be sure to make the edits and remember your advice for future installments. I'm really glad I did this and got the review.
2568066 No problem.
Yay, an update!
I'll reiterate my sentiments here: I really like where this is going. I'm not entirely sure what's going to happen, but I can't wait for more.
2579123
Yay, a fan! I also don't exactly know where this is going. I like to let it roll on its own, but I have a few plans.
Twilight seems a bit OOC.
She'd trust what Rarity said as truth, not continue to stay suspicious.
2592401
If someone seems to appear with a costume that was destroyed, wouldn't you suspect the original maker of the costume?
2592447
You're taking this the wrong way. I have no problem with the initial suspicion, but when Rarity outright said she wouldn't carry on the Mare-Do-Well act, I feel Twilight would take her word for it.
2592473>>2592447
Well f***. Both of you are making a good case and I can't pick who side with.
Hello. I'm Sparkler Hooves from A For Effort, and I have come to review your story!
Grammar: 10/10 Your grammar and choice of words are exceptional. One thing I noticed was that you didn't indent the paragraphs, but that is completely optional, so no harm there :)
Spelling: 9.8/10 Just one thing;
The "w" is supposed to be an "a", but that's just a small mistake. You can avoid these little mistakes by getting a proofreader.
Originality: 10/10 It was original and really good! I've never seen anything like it. Good job :)
Sypnosis: 10/10 It definitely caught my attention and I can't wait for more. Very detailed and you allow the readers to visualize the scene.
Verdict
APPROVED
Good job :)
awesome!
Ooh, Twilight doesn't like this. At all. This will not end well...