What does a hero truly need?
This is a question constantly being asked by the mighty heroes of DOTA. They can move as quick as the wind, shudder mountains with the flick of a wrist, and bend the very essence of nature itself to their will. Yet they still ponder what it is they need. Is it the divine rapier? a weapon so omnipotent that it possesses more then one wielder. Or maybe it is the Aghanim's scepter which grants the heroes knowledge and skill beyond mortal comprehension. Maybe what they are looking for is more metaphorical in nature rather then a weapon? perhaps they were never meant to know at all.
But they can try to at least. Especially when some of the heroes are pulled from their own world and thrusted into Equestria. What will they find in this mysterious and unknown world? and more importantly, how will the inhabitants react to them when they find out they are more violent then they look?
>Well this is my first attempt at writing a fic ever in the history of my life so please bear with any spelling and grammar errors i may have overlooked my writing is a little shoddy at times. Constructive criticism is always a nice thing to look over so feel free to critique my writing or pick up any errors i have written in regards to mlp and dota 2 lore.
The most consistent mistake through the story is that you don't capitalize your "I's", such as "Ugh when i catch that oversized sack of flesh i am gonna do more then skin him alive"
Also you need to use a coma instead of the first period:
"The last was Enigma which was basically who or what, he or it was. an enigma"
I'd also like to note the Ancients aren't exactly mysterious to anyone who's fighting. Before the world was formed, there was an endless war between two entities and the primordials grew sick of them. They trapped the two entities in one moon, a moon that would plummet through the universe endlessly before the world of Dota (Unfortunately) caught it in its gravity. Civilizations would call it the Mad Moon for it reminded them of the endless conflicts within the heavens. Ages past and the Mad Moon was thought simply a natural part of the world, but one day it shattered. Fragments of it landed on the planet and eventually those fragments morphed into their natural form: Radiant and Dire. The fragments gave many benefits to those around it such as kinetic energy, mana, protection, even resurrection. Civilizations built shrines around them (Ancients) and revered them as gods fallen from the sky. But anytime Radiant and Dire influence meets, both their power level lower. Thus, all battles are simply to restore their own ancient to full power. And so the two entities found a way to continue their endless war.
The fic itself is certainty unique, in all honesty I think this is the first Dota 2 fic I've seen here. Your characterization was fine, though Bounty Hunter is somewhat more calm and only becomes exited when he truly gets pissed off. Your characterization of Rubick on the other hand is spot on.
A strange fic, but more than seaworthy!
1824771 thank you very much for the comment, There is still much of the Dota 2 lore that is still in the dark to me even though i comb through the files and stories several times for accuracy, it's just a lot of the background for the characters and the world are left a little enigmatic sometimes to portray a deceptively larger planet and preserve the characters mystique then some are lead to believe.
I'll be honest with you i did not know much about the ancients and the moons and all of that jazz so i pretty much just built a hollow world around the idea. Kind of like a balloon, looks good on the outside, nothing but air on the inside. It's probably from the original dota lore but i didn't read much of that back in the earlier stage of the game mod. I will however try to incorporate what you just told me into the story in the near future, that is if i don't get buried beneath college work.
As for my grammar, yeah it's a bit rough around the edges. This is my first fic ever so it wasn't going to be perfect but i can try. I'll run back through the stories again to polish it some more.
Now characters, that was certainly my most favorite part about writing this fic. For Gondar I tried to portray more as a professional, its true how he acts in game he is a bit more brash and wild whenever i get a killing spree ("No more hiding behind your friends Vengeful!") but you got to remember he's also a n expert tracker and killer,assassin, hunter etc. and his business is about gold so I modeled his behavior during the fight around how he would act on a business deal rather then being on the hunt to show another side of him. I'll flesh out more of his personality on the later chapters don't you worry
Plus Rubick was simply a joy to write. ("I think i'll flex a bit!")
congrats on being my first ever commenter and critic too. I'll make sure to warn you whenever Tidehunter is trying anything fishy
A ctrl+F can help you find you "i" mistakes, and I also noticed at times you misused "then", rather than...well "than". Here are some other oens I caught:
>she manage to make out the fact that she wasn't on the battlegrounds anymore.
Manage should be past tense.
>like a hot knife slicing through a pat of warm butter.
Pat should be vat.
>Her sorrow and melancholy replaced with confusion of why she can feel her upper human half.
I assume the can is a mistake and should be can't.
>"hush now little ones
Capitalization
>"It is quick alright little one, might I say I have never a little horse like you before"
Change quick into quite.
>How and i supposed to pick things up with hoove
And should be changed to am and hoove needs to be plural
>She then got a little with it fancy
Fancy and "with it" need to switch places.
>only realizing just now how similar this world was to her's
The apostrophe in "her's" is unneeded
Your writing is defiantly improving though. The last two chapters were filled with plenty of mistakes and the ones I listed are pretty minor in comparison. You may want to get an editor to help you check it up. I'm sure someone would be willing to help you proofread this. Your strong suit is still keeping the characters in character. Fluttershy is acting perfectly normal and Enchantress is as SPROINK as ever. They act natural and realistically in respect to their personality.
I also would like you not to scare away Tidehunter. It's not very often that cuddlefish works up the nerve to actually confront me head on. That's the kinda of love you can't buy.
1833846 fixed, fixed, and fixed, i do believe i caught all of those lowercase i's and properly capitalized all of them where they need to be
thanks for picking those out dude, I really should look for a pre reader I think one of my friends can help but that won't be an excuse for not improving my writing. Like Yurnero says "The fruits of discipline, with practice comes strength."
also i'll keep to myself around Tidehunter
A few instances of using "then" instead of than, and there are a few times were I was not capitilized, but it's just a few times now. I'd also like to note when the wolfs come back to attack, you had a few troubles with going to the past tense. The first half was fine when it came to your tense, but only after that point did it sometimes shift to the present.
>Ever since he opened his eyes he has regretted that decision
Has needs to be changed to the past tense form
>He remembered why he was still walked the earth.
Awkward phrasing. Read it aloud and you'll see what I mean. I'd suggest getting rid of the "was" like the second time you wrote the phrase.
>to die, And Rhasta couldn't have been anymore happier.
Lowercase the "And".
>self defense when he killed his master's murderer.
A minor one, but it's explicitly stated that it was a mob so murderer needs to be plural.
>with his will, it slowly began to take shape formed the image that was in Rhasta's mind.
"Formed" needs to be in the present tense and a comma needs to go before it.
>Without warning to the denizens of the forest a Gargantuan ethereal golden cobra rose
Lowercase the word Gargantuan.
>With blinding speed the cobra shot it's head forward >display it's pleasure.
Get rid of the Apostrophe in "it's", otherwise it forms the contraction it is.
>"Thank you my scaly friend. thank you" >"By the shades? what is this?"
Change the period to a comma.
>He was a tiny horse, or donkey? he could never really tell the two apart anyway.
Capitlize after the question.
>the spiral horn the stuck out from his forehead.
Change "the" into "that"
>"Where are my ward?"
"ward" needs to be plural.
>drowsiness that he was combating turned in an ally
Change "in" into..."into".
>he has had way to many surprises today.
Change "to" to..."too". 2much2me
>that scared all of the timberwolves into run away in hiding
Run needs to be changed to the present tense.
>"Huh? what? how long was I out? Wait who are you?"
Capitilizse "what" and "how"
>his head finally felt like it was screwed on properly after being stuck twice by his own weapons.
Unless you meant to say he feels better, "properly" should be "improperly". Also change "stuck" into struck.
> What do you be glad that I'm not dead
Awward phrasing.
>Then there was this cape of large coins keeps together
Change keeps to the past tense.
>what Zecora presumes
Change presumes into presumed.
>Slowly they once again encircle their prey in hopes of making them their next meal
Change encirlce into the past tense.
>and there was no way here illusion
Change "Here" to her.
>a bright yellow light for and instant before
Change "and" into "an".
>he was the stronger out of all of them
Change "stronger" into "strongest"
Another fine chapter and your character interaction is pretty fine. Shadow Shaman is pretty much what I'd imagine, "Jovial, but knows when to get serious". You his powers in a great and logical way to display his might.
As for getting help, Juggernaut also states, "I may have lost face but I haven't lost heart". True, the best way to learn is from your mistakes, but just because you have a little help doesn't mean you're going to be weaker. As Shadow Shaman says, "Moto Keyeyanna yaya, toyka yameh!"
1840065 Hey thanks a bunch man you're a lifesaver. I'm fixing the mistakes now as we speak
as for the part about Rhasta's head, It was meant to say that he was feeling better
Either place a coordinating conjunction after the comma after "form" or replace the comma itself with a semicolon. Also change "becomes" into "became".
Place a comma before the "however".
Replace the comma with a semicolon.
Delete one of the "to":
Change "as" into "a". place a coordinating conjunction after the comma, and delete the apostrophe in "it's".
Delete the apostrophe in "it's".
Awkward formatting, you linked three independent clauses without anything to actually link them comfortably.
Change "here" to "hear", and change "form" into from".
Change "had may had" into "may have". Also place a comma after leftover.
Either he's telling lies on the ground, or change "lied" to "laid".
A minor one, but you may want to change "cloths" into "clothes". On the other hand, however you could somewhat make an argument that most of what Bounty Hunter wears is just sashes of cloth (I'm looking at you, Master Assassin's Tails) . Your choice.
This though will have to be changed to the singular form.
Change "are" into "were".
Change "speak" into past tense.
Change "is" into was. Change "has" into "had".
Change "to" into "you". Also change "is" into "was".
Not really an error, but saying "ground floor" is redundant and makes it seem like he's in a building.
Change "one" into the plural form. Never realized how weird it was for the word one to ever be plural.
Change "know" into the past tense.
Change "is" into "was".
That "but" is misplaced and doesn't belong there.
.
Place "a" after "was".
Change "manage" into the past tense.
Change "have" into "had".
Add an "it" after massive.
Spot the spelling error.
Replace "out with" with "without".
Capitalize the first word.
Delete the apostrophe in "it's".
Add an "a" after was.
"Weren't" is a conjuration of were not, so "wasn't" is a better fit here.
Place a "be" after "the".
Add an additional "o" to the first "to", and replace the second "to" with "the".
Change "is" to "was".
Just curious, but how long did you work on this? I noticed as the chapter went along, there was less and less errors, a definite sign of improvement. I also have one suggestion: hint to what the overarching plot is. It's quite enjoyable of how everyone first meets everyone, but right now I'd honestly classify this as slice of life. You need to show the audience that you DO have some grand adventure planned out with little hints here and there. Also:
Sorry Rariy, but you're looking for either Riki , Lycanthrope, or possibly Undying.
1887679 I worked on this chapter for about 2 weeks on and off during my winter break on my spare time ( aside from the greeviling and a vacation), I spent most of the time rewriting a lot of the story and fixing most errors that I managed to find. Still looking for a proofreader though
as for the whole clothes debate on Gondar I'm not very sure myself. From what I know all he wears from top to bottom is a Bandanna, one on his face and another around his neck. Then he has his back pack and some shoulder guards. Followed by pants with a belt and some weird loincloth thingy (I have no idea if there is a name for that or not) and then there are bandages around his legs tendon area I guess to protect himself from any maiming strikes.
As for the future of our favorite fillies and heroes I do have something big planned. Don't worry, it's just a little slow to start. Actually as I'm typing this I started work on the next chapter already, expect it by the end of the week.
You seem to be missing a part of your story.
Capitalize w
Change trying to something else, The definition of trying is hard, difficult etc.
Replace the period with a question mark.
Add a coma before but.
Add in "with" before confusion.
Add an apostrophe in "peoples".
Capitalize cause.
Place a semicolon after joke and before Harbinger.
Change with to without.
Add a comma before but.
Delete someone.
Change then to than.
Delete the second they.
Change values to the past tense.
Delete the apostrophe.
Change replace to the past tense.
Change have to had.
Add a t the he.
Make manage past tense.
Change saw to say,
Capitalize i
Add an in after watched, make scar plural, and change cease to past tense.
A minor gripe, but the world itself isn't called Dota, and it's only the name of the game. Defense of the Ancients is never actually mentioned whatsoever. In fact, we can't even call the planet Earth. The devs have gone on record stating that any mention of Earth is just literally the ground, and not the planet itself.
Change then to than.
Delete the apostrophe in it's.
Add an extra o to to
Change wounds to sounds.
My shipping senses are tingling.
1908216 thanks for catching that, I mostly write at night so I can be a little forgetful when I'm engrossed in my writing
Wow, great. I wonder if Io/Wisp will appear eventually.
I think this is your best chapter yet, I love the way your wrote Rubick, kind of makes me wonder how they would react to Invoker just as powerful but a whole lot more conceited. Also I love that Rubick can call on any spell he stole previously I wonder if he is going to use spell steal on some of the ponies.
1963232 I'm glad you like the chapter, writing Rubick was super fun and hilarious. I'm sure if you replace Trixie with Kael in "Boast Busters" the reactions would mostly be the same, albeit with a crap ton of meteors falling from the skies and random sun strikes hitting Ponyville. Trixie's ego may be as big as an ursa minor, but Invoker's might as well be the size of Equestria. Don't worry, there are plenty of spells in Equestria that are ripe for the picking
Ahahaha! Rubic is going to flip when they arrive at the library!
I finally realized why I was drawn in from the start after reading this. You write just like John Steinbeck. You write from a objective viewpoint in omniscient form but what really shines within the writing is the insanely well done characterization. Every time a character speaks it's a portrait into who they are rather than just what they are saying. Dialogue turns from merely repetition of vowels and consonets into deep character studies of the individual.
Or at least that's what I think of John Steinbeck. You may not like him, but you can't deny you write extremely similar to him.
Alright, nerd time.
Chrnosphere isn't so much as him creating something that causes everything to go into stasis, but rather ripping away the reality of a dimension to open a hole to the dimension of Claszureme. Hence the "blister in SPACEtime" in the description.
Also since inner vitality is a single target spell, he wouldn't heal all three at once. He'd have to use a spell like Witch Doctor's Voodoo Resortion or Dazzle's Shadow Wave.
1966958 I've read some of John Steinbeck's books as mandatory reading back in english class, mainly "The grapes of wrath" and some of "Of Mice and men". I guess my wiriting style does kind of emulates his own.
As for the whole stuff with the chronophere I should probably fix to be appropriate for the lore. As for the inner vitality spell, he could just cast it multiple times, i was thinking about using shadow wave but I'm saving that spell for later.
Why haven't I seen this story before? I mean I'm a fan for DOTA2 for only a week yet I feel like I know every inch of it! Continue your fic good sir!
1987287 will do!
1989165
Also I am betting on Pudge as the one who tried to assassinate Celestia since Riki isn't in the Dire unless you want to include every character from the game into your story! Apart from that I would say Pudge is the one who attempted the assassination!
After re-reading the story, the 'Pudge' theory is impossible! So... uhhhhh who's behind the assassination? Sven? No, I don't think someone like him would do that! Riki? He's the closest possible person to commit it!
1999464 i'm not letting out any details yet, i'm still writing the chapter, you'll see soon enough
1999464
Your assuming that it is a Hero from Dota, who says its not Some cultist or Spy.
My biggest suggestion at this point is that you need to split up your chapters more. There would of been a perfect end of chapter after the heroes decided to trust the ponies, and when they head on to their homes. It allows the audience to digest what just occurred and ponder what the consequences of their actions were. As it is right now, it's simply a string of events connected to each other only through continuity rather than purpose. You throw a lot at the audience in the 10,000 words and that's not a bad thing, but a chapter breaks emphasis significant events and character development.
There's also a few points where you confused "there" with "their".
I'm surprised you didn't think of Ogre Magi. They are one of the most fun hero to play with insane damage and insane hilarity.
I'm also pleased someone in the community decided what the hell Rubick is suppose to be.
2026115 what do you mean when you say "What the hell Rubick is suppose to be?" I just always assumed he was a human, he just looked like one even with all his clothes on.
As for Rhasta, they switched him from being a hill trowie to a hill troll and part... something else still. or at least that's how I remembered his story calling him some sort of trowie. Whatever that meant. Maybe I misread it?
As for ogre magi, I thought about it, it sucked he didn't make the cut. Would've been funny for the mane six to meet a pony that was semi intelligent with unbelievable luck and two heads
2029052
And the plot THICKENS!
I can't believe Gondar was the assassin! I mean WTF? He fell from the sky like the others! And as you narrowed when the events of DOTA2's heroes come, I would say that it's a changeling then. Shining is under control by Chrysalis that's for sure. Also I have to disagree with Kunkka about the chapters being long. Some people such as myself like amazingly long chapters. Also, are you planning to include another heroes? I know why you didn't put Lion in this (He's a witch hunter and he'll kill Twilight in a fingerzap). I say continue good sir!
P.S. : Comment deleted and deported to this chapter as soon as I saw the split being made!
When it comes to Rubick, there's a slight split between what his species is in the Dota 2 Lore community. Generally there's three things that might indicate he's no mere human.
-Some spells he can steal require extensions of his body that would be impossible to perform otherwise. Some of the spells he steals aren't really magic and more of a skill the hero has (Pudge's Hook and Rot, Sand King's body and Tail for Sandstorm and Epicenter, All of Timbersaw's moves, Dragon Knight's Shield Bash, etc.)
-He's pretty damn old. It's hinted he knew Invoker back when Carl was known as the "Arsenal Magus". No one else refers to him as such so it must of been a title Invoker discarded long ago. Only two other heroes refer to him as anything other than Invoker, Dirge (One of the only memories he still has is Carl's real name), and Mirana (It's speculated she saw him in a vision).
-His twitching. A lot of people think that if it's from all of the magic he has, then why doesn't other magical beings such as Invoker and Lion twitch like him?
So then three theories spring up.
-He's still human. Anytime he cast something that requires an extension of his body, he simply mimics a spell that can emulate it, but isn't the skill itself. He also used the Sempiternal Cantrap (The same spell that Invoker used) to gain an immortal lifetime. His twitching is just Rubick being Rubick.
-He was human at one point, but at one point he changed. His magic eventually changed him into something different from human and thus conjure up things that are needed for certain skills. Side effects of not being human anymore allows him a huge lifespan and the twitching.
-He was never human. It's possible he's a construct by his "father" Aghanim. Anytime he needs a specific item for an ability he morphs his body to fit it. He's not a natural life construct and thus is immortal, and his twitching is also a defect of his creation.
I personally think he's still human.
As for the Shadow Shaman, you're correct. He used to be Hill Trowle until Valve changed him to be a Hill Troll, like how Troll Warlord is a Monger Troll. Other small changes is that now Slark is a Slithereen which implies Slithereen aren't so much as a species but more of members of a nation now.
2030034 My assumption about Rubick all came from his backstory in the game. True, there are many species that can be called a magus, but he always seemed human to me. His physical appearance, even when covered up with all those awesome clothing and a mask still showed a human figure with five fingers and some exposed toes from his open sandals. For his age I guess it wold be between 30 and 50 or somewhere in between. As for knowing carl as the arsenal magus I figured he learned about him from ancients tomes and such.
For his twitching, well I never really referred to it as twitching. It's still up in the clouds for me, heck I thought he was just really nervous underneath his combat mask.
As for his spells, I sorta have my own reasoning for that but I'm going to save that part for the later chapters.
But hey, this is just my theory.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SVENNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!
That's what you get for going 2v1 against two casters. Should of bought Hood of Defiance.
So how large is Sven anyways? I assume he's bigger than the average Pony, but still smaller than the princesses.
2046667 In my head, I'd wager only one or two few inches taller then good ol big mac. So yea, taller than the average stallion, yet shorter than the princesses.
Oh man, if he had a bkb then this fight would've ended much differently
I wonder what would have happened if it was Rubick fighting the sisters instead of Sven.
2054254 Believe me, the outcome would sound startlingly similar to Rubick vs Luna and Ezalor.
well this is a surprise, and I thought only LoL crossover exists... I'm writing my Chaos Knight crossover... this looks interesting but you focused too much on Dota-world in the first few chapters... I'll be watching this, for now..
and you just made them a pony oh god...
And we should prepare for the SHITSTORM of the century! I can't believe Sven was the assassin all along! He's so fucking loud for an assassin! If he was a bit precaucious and more calm, he might avoid the situation like his friends but he ended up causing trouble for them instead. Good luck to our 5 heroes and good luck in your story!
Inb4 Sven Ganks a manticore
I think Rubic will just solve things with diplomacy! Or with a few stormhammers...
Ps. Played Sven today. Got repeatedly trapped in a wooden prison made by Furion
Oh if only it was Slark who was captured. He knows how to escape prisons.
A fine chapter that continues on with the story. I'm interested in the fact you decided to create an OC in the form of Jackal. Big plans for him?
2085048 for Jackal? most definitely
Epic battle scene you gave us dude! Gondar is a beast! Oh man I wonder how Celestia and Luna will react when they see 4 angry heroes, Mane 6 and a dragon glaring at her like crazy!
MOAR!!!!!!
2101607 will do buddy
The thing people need to realize, is that Sven took on the princesses. Each of them are just as capable as the next, so it is no surprise that Gondar moped the floor with the best soldiers Equestria has to offer.
Epic Battle between Gondar and the Guards in which Gondar wins
What else do you guys think can come from a badass like him????
This fic Inspired me to Play Dota 2... If only I was good at it.
A shame Legionnaire Commander wasn't there (or has been released yet for that matter). We'd get a scene of a guy with 150% bonus movement speed, and a 750 burst damage. Then he'd just ult Shining to get the kill.
So we're getting a pretty powerful antagonist, correct? Bounty Hunter pretty easily beat the Elite Royal Guard, admittedly they seemed more focus on subduing rather than killing, so all the heroes must be pretty powerful. A hero is only as good as their enemy, otherwise there's no drama of the MAYBE they'll lose after all.
It's the reason why most Superman stories focus on the Man of Steel himself rather than his fights. The way he's written, it's almost impossible for him to have an actual equal match without the universe being filled with Supermen, and that would just ruin the whole point of a special character. So then they instead focus on his inner struggles of morality and thought (An especially well written one was "For the Man Who Has Everything).
You showed us their power level, now hint at what just a huge threat they have to face.
2120776 You will get better at it. Just try different heroes untill you find something that fits you style.
"Guah.... did anyone get that Razor's username?"
That line nailed the coffin of my heart from laughter! It reminded me of a very old game called Discworld where the protagonist says "Did you get the number of that donkey cart?" after being hit in the head! I can't wait to see the princesses' 'peaceful' conversation with our four heroes.
2120776 don't worry, it takes a bit of getting used to but once you do, it's one of the best team based experiences out there. remember what Rubick said to Twilight back in chapter 9? "Wax on, wax off"
I need to play it, if I somehow see you online then we fight till we respawn. just hope it plays like LoL...