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Suitabledread
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Joined January 2012
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67w, 2dHuman in Equestria
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36w, 22mAssassins Creed Related Fictions
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36w, 3dcreed and ponys
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"hypnotized under the apples control" Apples is a plural, if your using it as a possessive it is spelled "apple's"; Hypnotized should be replaced with a proper synonym or the scentence needs to be re-worded, try "hypnotized by the apple's power". Don't forget the tense switch at the end of the sentence, it should be "hand slowly reached" not "hand slowly reaches".
How does Ezio notice six guards patroling a gate and not take into account the fact that they are ponies; and if he was free-falling would his first instinct be to take in the sights or pull his 'chute.
Nice premise, I would definitely like to read more. Just keep working on your grammar and remember, practice makes perfect!
edit: You also might want to change the title of this fic; Assassin's is a possessive, so unless Ezio becomes the owner of a few "and ponies" it should read Assassins
?
The "He landed, he heard, he this, he that" was a little to bland for me
Also, there were too many grammar mistakes for me to correct them all. They mainly involved tenses and apostrophe agreements and the like...
Take the sentence:
"He see's a gate guarded by at least six guards and decides to take the hard way out... Over the wall."
Here's how I would rewrite it, considering the main character's previous actions:
"Ezio moved swiftly and silently towards the castle's walls, using whatever cover he could find to keep himself from being spotted. Eventually, he managed to find the main gate. However it was guarded by no less than six ponies.
Not wanting to raise an alarm, the cloaked assassin crept along the castle's wall until he could no longer see the guards. Checking to make sure that he hadn't been spotted, he started to scale the barrier."
Here, I am trying to create a feeling of suspense that I couldn't feel with your previous sentence
I haven't played Assassin's Creed before, so I couldn't help you with any plot related to said franchise.
I see potential in this. Here's what you need to do...
Get a pre-reader. They will help you tremendously.
Using sites such as Dictionary dot com and Thesaurus dot com will help tremendously.
Eizo's reaction to seeing the ponies seems rather bland. It's almost as if he had seen them before. You might want to fix that.
I am going to give you 2 stars for now, but if you take my suggestions, I will bump it up :)
Good luck!
The biggest problems I see right now are lack of detail, and improper use of paragraphs. For lack of detail. Show the environment. Don't just tell about it. "He saw a large white castle off in the distance". That tells me what he saw, but its not very interesting because it doesn't give any details. What does the castle look like? What are the sights and sounds he sees? Etc.?
Another example. You state that "over the wall" is the hard way out. But "He runs up the wall, grabs the wall, then jumps over the wall." is the only attention you gave it. If it's the "hard way out", it probably deserves more than one sentence explaining how he got over the wall without being spotted by the guards. Again, show the detail. Paint a picture in words. Don't just tell the reader what he did.
The second issue, use of paragraphs. You practically use a new paragraph for every sentence. If the line of thought is still generally the same, the paragraph should still be the same. The major exception being dialogue when the current speaker changes.
Hope some of these suggestions help!
I like the idea of this, and would like it to continue
.
However, it can be improved-Thus I agree with >>129283's and >>129340's suggestions.
Never-the-less the concept is an interesting one
And as a boost, Cheers to you posting this!
I doubt that I will ever contribute to the FIM Fics of Earth due to my own displeasure of writing(I do not like to write),
so I appreciate those who at least attempt-maybe this all came out back-handed but...eh I don't know how to explain
I was waiting for a story like this, however, i do see a few issues w/ the story itself. For one, i know Ezio is the human incarnation of badassery itself, but i would think he would be a little... shaken, by seeing ponies that are like humans. so, in short, the premise is great, but it needs a little work.
-LJ
I love the concept, but...... There is no details! There's no sense of whats going on or whats around him which just completely ruins it for me. When someone reads something they want to be lost in the story, not have just bare facts of the going-ons being thrown at them.
I don't mean to sound critical or anything its just kinda annoying to me when I read something written like this.
Also being a trained elite assassin wouldn't he avoid detection in unfamiliar territory and gather info about were he his and why?
Randomly assassinating guards and shooting off his crossbow kinda seems outa place.
And that's my 2 cents
Oh this is gonna be good!
The only thing I want to criticize on (I never want to do that) is the pacing. It's one of the hardest parts for ANY writer to get right, but here, everything feels... rushed.
I couldn't help but read the lines at an insane speed 
Try describing the area, make him think a bit more or give explanations on what he is doing. Don't just go for "neat" and such.
And I have to say that he's taking the fact that he is suddenly in the presence of intelligent ponies, a bit too well 
-Glassed
Image: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hMtrisbkXkM/TdoQcf6AleI/AAAAAAAAADo/YKJUpwTKK40/s1600/Brilliant_00.jpg
Image: http://img5.pimp-my-profile.com/ol/fz/sw/i57/5/11/15/fbz_5af25c6a9843a87de9336f6570ce1d23.jpg
Meaning no, I won't give it back
Image: http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lpwfeklDzo1qafrh6.pngI'm using an iPad
18 mins later... Oh sh** never mind I see now
What I thought at first:
What I thought after:
Image: http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lknmdakmDS1qj5x6fo1_500.jpg
Image: http://ihasahotdog.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/funny-dog-pictures-smug-dog-feels-superior.jpg
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