Chapter One: The Book Arrives
"Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp!"
His belch materialized, and Spike did a little dance of joy. It's here! It's finally here!
"Wow, Spike, that was a big one," said a voice from the next room over. "What did the Princess send this time?"
"Nothing!" Spike answered quickly. If Twilight sees this book, she'll do what she always does – read it! No, I better hide it before –
"So, you've got absolutely nothing hidden behind your back?" Twilight asked shrewdly, peering around the library corner.
Spike stepped several large steps sideways, heading towards his closet upstairs. "Uh…I've got absolutely nothing from Princess Celestia!" he replied.
"Really now?"
"Pinkie Pie Swear!" Spike mimed jabbing a cupcake in his eye with his free hand. And it was true – he didn't have anything from Princess Celestia. Behind his back was something he'd ordered special, just for himself, from a magazine Twilight had shelved weeks earlier in the 'Romance' section. It had taken a while to work up the courage to go look at it. Spike had feared Twilight would notice, and he knew how she felt about the 'Romance' section.
"Big waste of time, if you ask me. Why spend your life mooning over somepony who might never return your feelings, when you could be doing something constructive with yourself?"
Twilight would never understand his predicament. And there really wasn't anyone else around whom Spike could talk to about this sort of thing. Thus, after seeing the magazine ad, and debating for days whether or not to go through with it…Spike finally ordered himself How to Woo Your Lady in Nine Easy Steps by gentlecolt extraordinaire, Smooth Fox.
No way was Twilight going to mess up his first chance to read it.
"Anyway," Spike said in a rush, scooting closer and closer to the stairs. "I better go uh…finish my chores upstairs. Good luck with your work, Twilight!"
Before his adoptive sister had a chance to respond, Spike zoomed up to the second floor of the library, and shut himself away in his storage closet, using his breath to light a few candles to read by.
"At last." Spike hugged the book to his chest. "A chance to learn how to win Rarity's heart, all for myself. The magazine guaranteed this would work, or your money back! They must be super confident in its methods."
He made a little seat for himself amongst his rubber chicken, kitchen sink, and apple blanket. The candlelight made the gems on his framed bowtie sparkle against the wall. He looked up at it, and let out a giant sigh.
"Soon, Rarity. I'll be the gentlecolt you deserve. I promise."
And Spike began to read.
Rarity tapped her hoof against the wooden library door ever so gently, and waited patiently outside.
A cool breeze blew past her, and she hoped it wasn't ruffling up her mane too badly. She hadn't walked all the way to Twilight's library just to end up looking like some sort of circus clown, after all.
A moment later, the door opened and Rarity's thoughts were interrupted.
"Why hello, Rarity! It's nice to see you!" Twilight opened her door wider to allow Rarity inside.
"Hello, Twilight," Rarity replied, stepping into the library. "I've just come to see if either you or Spike would care to join me in some gem sorting this afternoon. I'd be more than happy to supply refreshments, of course."
"Gem sorting?" Twilight asked.
"Yes, yes, there was a bit of a er…mishap with Sweetie Belle," Rarity explained. "To come straight to the point, my carefully sorted gemstones have all become rather mixed up. At first I told Sweetie Belle she would be responsible for sorting it out, but she has school of course, and I just couldn't wait another minute staring at that pile of dishevelment."
"I see." Judging by Twilight's expression, though, she didn't.
"So I thought I could make a sort of event out of it," Rarity continued. "Have a few ponies over, serve some tea and little grass sandwiches…" She gave Twilight a hopeful smile.
"Well, unfortunately, I'm busy all afternoon, and I'm not sure how Spike will feel about grass sandwiches," Twilight laughed a bit. "But I'll go ask him."
Rarity turned her head back and forth, looking around the library. "Yes, speaking of, where is little Spikey Wikey today? Usually he's so good about greeting guests at the door."
"Spike? Good at greeting guests?" Twilight laughed once more. "I guess with you, maybe."
"With me?" Rarity blinked, putting on her best innocent expression.
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Well yeah with you – "
At that moment, a cotton candy pink pony popped straight out of the pages of one of Twilight's larger encyclopedias.
"Forever!"
"Pinkie!" Twilight exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"
Rarity had been about to ask the same thing.
Pinkie Pie hopped over to the two other ponies, continuing to bounce in place once she reached them. "Well, I couldn't help but overhear Rarity talking about throwing a party this afternoon! And of course, as soon as I heard, I was like, I am so there, but of course I knew Rarity would need my help in planning things, because who else better to help throw a party than yours truly? I didn't even hear Rarity mention streamers or balloons or confetti or candy or – "
"It's really not that sort of party," Rarity interrupted gently. "It's more of an informal gathering – "
"Rarity just needs some help reorganizing her gemstones," Twilight cut in. "I'm a little busy, myself – "
"So wait, Rarity's having a party and now you're just too busy to go?" Pinkie Pie sat back and crossed her front hooves. "Talk about being unsupportive!"
"Uh…were we talking about being unsupportive?" Twilight asked Rarity, who shrugged.
"She's just being Pinkie, darling," Rarity sighed. "Don't mind her. I completely understand that you're busy."
"Thanks, Rarity," Twilight smiled at her friend.
"So, er…" Rarity glanced around the library once more. They'd gotten so off topic, Rarity wondered how to get back to the original question. Where was Spike, after all?
Pinkie and Twilight blinked at her, waiting for her to continue.
Alas, she could see no way to bring the question back up and make it sound natural. "So…if either of you would like to stop by, feel free. Any time this afternoon would be just fine," Rarity said, deciding to skip over the Spike thing entirely. It wasn't like Spike needed to help out every time she had an extra chore to do, right?
"Okee-dokee-lokee!" Pinkie began to bounce once more. "I'll be there!"
"Thank you ever so much, Pinkie," Rarity said. "Now, if you'll excuse me."
"Have a great afternoon, Rarity," Twilight said.
Rarity turned, giving one last polite smile before exiting the library. The moment she was outside, Rarity's shoulders drooped.
That hadn't gone at all like she'd hoped.
Spike's ear was pressed to the wooden door of his closet, listening intently. Rarity's voice, though muffled, had been unmistakable. But now, it sounded like only Pinkie and Twilight were left talking.
Spike slumped to the floor. He'd been so engrossed in his book, he'd missed the original knock at the door, and had then spent the next several minutes obsessively trying to come up with the right line to say as he wandered down the steps to greet Rarity. But before he could come up with something, the snowy white unicorn was already gone.
"Figures she wouldn't wait to see me," Spike sighed. "Looks like I've still got a lot of work to do." He picked his book back up and continued to read, determined to figure this romance stuff out.
Thanks to years of living with Twilight, Spike had learned how to speed-read at an early age. He was already over half-way through the book. Each chapter covered one of the nine steps necessary to winning the love of your life.
Spike's confidence had jumped greatly after reading the first few chapters – the first four steps were going to be a cinch, seeing as he already basically did most of them. Sure, he'd have to refine them, but Spike felt he could handle it.
But things definitely went downhill from there. Step Five seemed like torture, and while Step Six sounded amazing, he was sure he'd somehow mess it up and make it end up as even worse torture than Step Five. Spike was almost too nervous to turn the page to find out about Step Seven.
That's when the knock on his closet interrupted him.
"Spike, you in there?" Twilight called from the other side.
"Uh, yeah!" Spike quickly hid his book under his blanket, and blew out the candles. He opened the door to find not only Twilight, but Pinkie Pie as well.
"Hello, Spike!" Pinkie Pie said, cheerfully. "Whatcha readin'?"
Spike took a step backwards. "R-reading?" How did she know? He glanced back, making sure his book definitely was hidden.
"Well, sure, silly!" Pinkie continued. "Is there any other reason you'd lock yourself in a closet with a rubber chicken and a kitchen sink?"
Spike blinked.
"Er, Pinkie, this is his storage closet, and that's just his stuff," Twilight explained.
"Oh like you don't sit in sinks to read!" Pinkie retorted gleefully. "Now come on Spike, what were you – oh!" She bounded straight past the dragon. "Pinkie Sense! Right front tooth, means something rectangular is under a blanket!"
"No, wait - !" Spike lunged for the apple blanket, but Pinkie Pie got there first.
The pink pony tugged the blanket aside, and revealed the book below. "Oooooo!" Pinkie bent over to read the title. "How to Woo Your Lady in – "
Spike darted forward and snatched the book from Pinkie before she could finish.
Twilight's eyebrows shot straight up. "Spike, are you actually using books to help you with Rarity?"
Spike's cheeks flushed and he hid the book behind his back for the second time that day. "No! I mean, maybe! I mean - !"
"Oh, Spike!" Twilight pulled him over and gave him a hug. "I'm so proud!"
"Me too!" Pinkie squeaked. "Wait – why are we proud?"
Spike winced as Twilight rubbed the top of his head with one hoof.
"I just never thought I'd see the day where Spike would turn to books to help him solve his problems!" Twilight explained. "My little boy is growing up!"
"I'm not your little boy!" Spike struggled his way out of the pony's grip, now holding his book tight against his chest. "And I'm not growing up anymore, either! You know what happened last time."
"Oh, Spike, don't be ridiculous," Twilight said. "Of course you're growing up. You can't just stop that."
"Watch me!" Spike stamped one foot. "I'll never turn into a monster again. Chapter One here says that being rude and greedy is against the Code of the Gentlecolt!"
Twilight laughed. "You can be such a silly dragon at times, Spike. Growing up doesn't always mean you grow bigger in size. It means you grow in experience, in personality, in wisdom."
"Right!" Pinkie chimed in. "Like when I discovered that not only do I like cupcakes, but I also like candied apples! That was just last week, and you don't see me getting any taller or growing giant claws, do you?"
"Er…good point, Pinkie," Twilight continued, giving the pink pony an awkward half smile. "Anyway, Spike. If you're really still this obsessed with Rarity – "
Pinkie gasped and threw her hooves over Twilight's mouth. "Forevvv – oh, wait! I forgot! We all already know about Spike's secret!" She giggled. "Continue!"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "In any case, Rarity was looking for some help sorting through gemstones at her shop this afternoon. I need to work, but Pinkie's going. Maybe you can tag along?"
Spike's heart jumped into his throat. "An afternoon with Rarity? That would be – that would be - !"
"Amazing, yes," Twilight patted him on the head. "So there you go. You're off the hook for chores today. Have a good time."
Spike hugged his book to his chest. A whole afternoon!
"Oh, we will!" Pinkie said, slapping Spike on the back so that he stumbled forward a few steps. He barely noticed, though.
This will be the perfect time to try out Step One! Spike thought to himself. Rarity, prepare to be wooed!
Ohh.. A nice little story so far *tracking*
There was just this one little line that irked me, which was the line with the finger sandwiches.. Though it was mostly because I still have this image of Pinkie's pinky pie in my head from that comic I read a day or two ago, hmmm... Oh well, still like it none the less.
"Big waste of time, if you ask me. Why spend your life mooning over somepony who might never return your feelings, when you could be doing something constructive with yourself?"
Part of me agrees with Twilight, while another part thinks she needs to get laid ASAP.
Time for Spike the Pimp to work his stuff on that mare!
A very good story so far! Tracked my good sir!
ATTA BOY SPIKE! ATTA BOY!
I lost it at "'Forever!'"
125573 ...What are you implying, person who commented a month ago?
Paleowriter, I loved this story so much, I had to do a picture for it. I don't know what you'll do with it or if you even like it, but I want to thank you for doing such a great job.
here's the link http://multiversecafe.deviantart.com/#/d4pvla3
Cheers!
"How to Woo Your Lady in Nine Easy Steps by gentlecolt extraordinaire, Smooth Fox." - I lol'd
"Pinkie gasped and threw her hooves over Twilight's mouth. "Forevvv – oh, wait! I forgot! We all already know about Spike's secret!" She giggled." - I lol'd again.
This story is lookin' great so far! :D
how i think the author of that book looks like: i2.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/002/598/The-Most-Interesting-Man-in-the-World.jpg
well i hope these step's help the reader too
I have a story for spike to help him with the ladies... And now to sing it!
In the summer of 1353
as I sat beneath the willow tree
I decided on that day to woo a lady.
I went to the florist and I said to she,
"I need a flower for today I'll be
a-woo-woo-woo-woo-wooing a lady.
I'll hold this flower beneath her nose,
it should smell as sweet as a rose."
"For that," she said, "I'd recommend a rose.
For a rosy kind of scent I'd probably recommend a rose."
I said, "That sounds absolutely ideal for my needs I'll have one of those."
I went to the tailor for to buy
some clothing of the latest style
which at the time were tights and pointy boots.
Some tight greenish tights and those Peter Pan-y kind of boots.
I said to the hairdresser, "Cut my hair!"
He said, "I'll cut it like the page-boys wear.
A really popular look with page-boys now,
basically a straight line across the brow.
I'll get a ruler and some scissors and I'll do it for you right now."
I needed a horse so I went to the stables,
said, "Stableman, would I be able
to hire a horse from which to woo a lady?"
He said, "There are three things that I must see:
one florin and two forms of I.D."
I said, "I don't have any I.D. on me,
who even carries I.D. in 1353?!"
"I maketh not the rules," quoth he.
I had an artist do a lithograph of me
and say this is me in 1353.
To prove that I was legitimate
I had my mother write up a birth certificate.
This was not easy as she's illiterate
but I really really needed it
so I could hire this damn horse so I could woo a lady.
I got a really massive horse so I'd impress this lady.
And for a penny more a day he did upgrade me.
The hills of a lady I did view
and I knew exactly what to do:
the time had come for me to woo this lady.
I said, "Woo woo woo woo wooo wooo woo,
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo, etc.
woo woo lady yeah I'm wooing you."
The lady then said unto me,
"Sir, you can't woo me so easily:
it takes more than just going 'woo' to woo a lady."
"But I've a rose-scented rose they call a rose
and I hold this rose beneath your nose,
I have a massive horse and the finest clothes,
all these things I do to woo a lady."
She said, "The horse is huge and the tights are fun
but the hair is a little 1351,
in fact it makes you look a bit like a lady.
I swore as you approached that you were a lady.
And that gigantic horse just emphasises that you look like a lady."
I said, "Yes, yes, I heard you the first time."
She said, "I'm to be married to the king,
we're to be wed this coming spring.
If you want my hand you have to challenge him
to the thing that they do with the pointy things
and the thing on the horses where they point each other
with those pointy things."
I said, "Is that the time? I must be on my way,
I'm late for a mediaeval play
so if it matters not to you, I'll away.
I'll just say that I wooed you anyway.
I'll tell all my frieds that I wooed a lady.
There's a wager in the village that says I'll never woo a lady."
And I went saying woo woo woo woo woo,
woo woo lady I have just wooed you,
woo woo woo this is how I woo a lady.
My sides hurt after Twilight's books to solve problems line! This looks awesome!
126133
I volunteer
"Your using a book to help you with rarity"?
"Im so proud of you"
My sides have left the building
this is sooo awesome!!! all characters are going so on character that is almost like watching a chapter of the original series itself!! amazing work, hope it comes as good as until now next chapter
Well this should be interesting. xD
I especially like how you write Pinkie. Her entrance really made me laugh.
I'm glad nobody even bothers to pay attention to sudden and apparently side-splitting laughter in my room anymore (you would not believe how loudly one of my roommates reacts to TV shows). I wouldn't want to be disturbing anybody.
I don't think you know how brilliant it was to have Pinkie knock on the closet door with Twilight. Of course Pinkie would see the book; nothing gets past her.
I never get enough of reading this...
lol Pinkie is so funny...
355458 I don't care that this was 59 weeks ago I just had to say BEST COMMENT EVER
Spike, I love ya little buddy, but I'm gonna have to quote you on this one:
While I hope Spike does well, there is a mean little part of me that wants to see just how badly this could go for him.
Excellent use of timing and mimicking the flow of the original series. You're also not rushing things, but instead allowing them to develop naturally and organically. Simply marvelous.
Spike's reading... in a closet? Surely he has someplace better to hide? Someone call social services and let them know Twilight's keeping her 'brother' in a closet.
I would think that Twilight of all ponies would understand why Rarity disapproves of getting her odds mixed with her evens.
Why do I get a strong sense of subtext in Rarity's behavior at the library?
Twilight's reaction to the book was perfect. I just hope she actually reads it at some point to see just what Spike is learning... which is probably not at all what she's thinking. In fact, I'd love to see some excerpts from this thing... but I'll let the story reveal the contents, in whatever way that occurs.
Magnificent. Truly magnificent. I have read this story two times now and it is really quite good. I love the interactions between Spike and Rarity, especially on Step Three and Step Five.
This story reminds me of Hitch, so when I read it I think of Smooth Fox being Will Smith. I loved Hitch and I love this story too, because it only reminds me of the movie. It is still its own story, so I really enjoy it. I think my favourite part of this story is when Rarity puts away some gems for Spike for the next time he does something nice for her. I believe that wasn't really affected by him carrying out Step One and was just about her being nice to him. I know most of the nice things she did was mostly not affected by him carrying out the steps, but I like to think that is the least affected.
I love the whole experience after Step Five. It's absolutely terrific how everything happened. Step Eight and Step Nine were really delightful chapters to read and I love how Rarity was against herself until the end. I also really enjoyed Sweetie Belle's part throughout the story.
All in all a very good read. Ta ta and good day to you. :)
Hmm, Rarity's reaction was interesting. Wanted to see Spike herself, hmmm?