We've seen the ads touting Twilight discovering "her true destiny". But what if her true destiny didn't lie in Equestria? What if it lay in another world all-together?
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Chapters (1)
gmen15
Joined 25th Apr, 2012 ·
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The end of this really, really strikes a chord with me... it reminds me of someone a LOT.
It gives me a mix of sadness and hope, loss and dedication... I don't know if it'll affect others the same way, but on a personal level, I love this story.
Thanks for taking this idea and putting it down- this is the kind of work that attracted me to this fandom.
1742259
No problem. I always love writing stories of real life mixed with the characters. Also I am not sure if you read it yet, but if you like these kinds of stories check out "His Own Personal Heaven". It's one of my early works but it's one I have a great attachment to because it's based on my experience with ulcerative colitis.
It's really amazing how much comfort shows like this can provide people.
1742353
I'll take a look for sure! and yeah... I haven't had anything shattering to deal with, but even for me, the show has been a great escape from stress and stuff. it's just.. nice. And we need more niceness in the world.
I'd say it helps me calm down, but... with pony music, my weekend commute has gone from 3 hours to about 2.5.
Adding it to my read list... working on a chapter for one of my stories at the moment.
Amazing! Thank you for writing this, it really means a lot to me. I agree with 1742259
And the ending leaves so much more to be imagined.
This story, I'm at loss for words. It's so awesome. Just awesome in its purest form. I'm giving it a
.
1745202
Thanks
1745154
Yep, ambiguity is fun...sometimes
Thanks for the comment. Glad you enjoyed it
This is kinda like a very un-creepy creepypasta. But it's good because it wasn't supposed to be a creepypasta!
So, all in all I really enjoyed the story, but I decided to write up a short critique. You should note that I really can't write much, so maybe you can throw it all out the window. But, hopefully it is useful. I divided it into technical and content based criticisms....
Technical
"Thou hath come at thin sister's request"
This is nowhere near how words like "thy and thine" are supposed to be used. Here are two links that will explain it better than I can.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Early_Modern_English#Pronouns
EDIT: Oh! I forgot about verbs. Basically the ending "-st" is for second person, "-th" is for third person. So all in all, the sentence should read...
"Thou hast come at my sister's request?"
http://forum.wordreference.com/showthread.php?t=133
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Early_Modern_English#verbs
(I think some of the same formality rules apply, where these were used informally. If you've ever taken spanish or german, some of it should seem familiar)
http://alt-usage-english.org/pronoun_paradigms.html
"dropped a pen" - It should be "dropped a pin"
"Alas" This word doesn't work where you used it. It puts a melodrama feel on an important part of the story.
Content
1. I wish we learned a little more about Tom. It doesn't have to be much, but what is his life like know? Is he still working? He brought the picture home from his office. Does he have any friends? Did he alienate them? Does the show inspire him to make more?
2. It seemed like the Princess and the story focused too much on Twilight. If it's Twilight's destiny, why are the rest going? Also, why didn't they ask about how long they would stay? Would their sisters, brothers, parents, farms, shops, animals all be okay? They agreed to quickly before thinking about those things.
3. The line between what really happens in equestria and what comes "on air". This line can be difficult because it includes everything about Pinkie and Twilight breaking the fourth wall. Did everything we see on the cartoon happen to the characters? Are the writers unwilling beacons downloading information from equestria, or did they glimpse a vision of it and run with it? Was the episode airing this Saturday going to include the reference the events in this one? I don't know if this makes sense, but it is important for the "what happens if ponies meet humans question". This is the vaguest of my suggestions, so you might just want to ignore it.
Anyway, that's all of them. I thought the story was really good and I enjoyed it (please don't think I hated it). I also haven't read any of your other stories, but I might just have to now.
So again, take it or leave it. If I ever publish anything feel free to comb over it just as well.
Great writing,
-noponynew
1745939
No that's cool. I like getting feed-back. I'll see if I can edit and add to the story now based on your advice.
Thanks for offering me help.
1745962
No problem, I threw in an edit, too.
Oh hey this looks like it's awesom--
*MISANTROPIST IDEALS DETECTED*
W-what?
*TCB RESEMBLANCE DETECTED*
*ENGAGING N.O.P.E.*
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1746254 collectorscache.com/storemodules/ProductImages/958/ditto108.JPG
Adventure sequel, please?
:|
........!!! *flails at the screen* YOU TROLLING BASTARD D:
Did I got trolled?
1750199
I prefer "Inception"-ed (ending right before the truth is discovered)
1750915 Thanks, I can't sleep anymore....
The ending let's my mind scream for an answer...
Ok, my imagination overloaded and broke in a second after reading this, did you have to end it like this
Heh, anyway, nah, this is one original one-shot. Ive not yet read anything in the style of it. I like the idea, and you put info from so many places toghether in this relativly short fic, nicely done :)
I agree with the earlier comment that there is a bit of lack on background-activity, like story of the character(s), and dialogue by the, in this case, ponies whom are not getting directly talked to.
But, for a one-shot, I didn´t expect much background-info, so, this didn´t disturb my reading of this at all
So, overall. Nice, very nice premise, awesomly implemented ending*, and great idea going back and forth between the "show" and "real" world.
---
*And now for a little pleading:
THAT ENDING, heh, are you going to continue this somehow? I mean, you could release a sequel on midnight 21st, or something like that, heh
---
But, even if you decide to leave this as it is, liked and favorited without doubt. Well written and neat idea/premise :)
M
I am honored, thank you so much!
1832256
No problem, man. I'm happy you enjoyed it and was honored to write it.
I have a lot of respect for you and wish you the best
1832277 Thank you for the kind words and for sharing your work, stories like this one are a much needed diversion for me.
1833972
Don't mention it. And thank you for the watch
Misanthropists.
well then.........
.....i'm not mad about it
bit of an abrupt ending but i shall tolerate it......i shall tolerate the shit out of it
not.....mad.....at.....all
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not a big reader of human tagged stories, and i'll be honest when i finally noticed the human tag i nearly left. but i read on and i must say, i'm glad i did.
wasn't a bad read....wasn't a bad read at all
good job
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2023592
Thanks