• Member Since 31st Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen Aug 6th, 2021

CMNiall


T

A mutant mercenary, a Dyclonius, a half demon devil hunter, and an artificially modified super soldier. With little in common they are dragged from their worlds by a mysterious being and planted in a colourful world of ponies for unknown reasons. How will this dangerous quartet take to the land of Equestria? A Marvel Universe, Elfen Lied, Devil May Cry, and Warhammer 40k crossover that may include other universes as it progresses. And three of the main characters are OCs.

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 28 )

honestly...this is a crappy story (plot wise) in my opinion

Also an OC as lead? And from the Marvel universe. Gary Stu.

*cough* *cough* Mathias is OOC, especially Mathias. An ultramarine woudnt react the way he is reacting.

Comment posted by CMNiall deleted Dec 12th, 2012

1788502 Dully noted, I'll try to make Mathias more....Ultramarinish. Also, Mike isn't a gary stu, that implies he has no character flaws and never suffers for his choices. Considering he got his ass kicked only two chapters in I'd say he suffers from his choices. And on bright side, at least the first thing they fought wasn't a manticore or timberwolves like nearly every other story I've read. I thank you for your honesty and Good day.

This a complete buttfuck of anime's, movie's, comic books, and novels, ain't it? *sigh* Its a good story, but it'd be better if you merged these easier and smoother than ya did here. I got about halfway through the chapter, then quit once I saw the Elfen Lied connection. I truly think this could've gone somewhere, but now I've gotta say, you completely ruined some aspects of your story by doing that. Sorry, I'm out. good luck, though.

read part one: well... until now... interesting.

1795216 you mean kept something of a theme between the characters like all being from games?

1795218 I'm not sure what to make of that comment.

1789957
Hi, here some CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM *hint hint* @ 1788502
first 20ft Ursa Major?! you mean Minor or? (the smaller Version, Trixie and Twilight...)
second even if our friend 1788502 seams to be an Anon-Pony with special talent is to be undiplomatic, about the Ultramarine he is right, he is much to calm and diplomatic as to be an Ultramarine of the W40k.
Even to make him 'not to kill everything in sight' it would be nearly an impossible task, in particular because he is an ULTRAMARINE ... i mean ... even the unfunny guys with prefer to wear blankets and to play ghost the entire time while burning their fellow men... are more reasonable in such an case...
But as always... there IS (at any minimum) a way to explain it... @ 1789957 you can probably take this problem and turn it in a lil subStory about him, probably he become this way because even if he truly wants to serve the emperor he become tired of all of this. And starts to wounder himself if there is not an other way to ensure humanitys linger or maybe he sees a way to gain something, perhaps he is a bit to confused about the Situation and asks himself if the emperor or anything or... anyone else have send him hear to do something so important that he even get some extraordinary Brothers (and a lil, even more confusing, Sister) to get this special task handled.

...

well?

[ADD]
I'm always against unnecessary physically violence in the intent to hurt or even kill as an way of interaction with beings from an world where violence is an bad thing in any case. So my third command is:
To cover the Characters more properly I belief Megumi would have stopped the Ursa before it would be able to attack, because she seams to be an MiP FiM fan out of her very heart and it would match the description of the diclonius better (good with animals, bad with People), probably the Ursa was just frighten of Mike and hit him out of an reflex. This would match it better ^^.

*needs rest now...* to many explanation in a language which isn't my native one *light headache*

1795442 20 foot? Oh, whoops. I must have hit the wrong number. I'll fix that. And yes, I plan to go into the backstory of the Space Marine to explain why he's so laxed. And my reasoning for Megui not stopping the wanton violence against the Ursa is she's simply stunned by the fact she's now in Equestria. Thank you for the constructive criticism.

1797388
ow well then ^^
*waits for more*
until now it can't possibly be said if this story will be good or not... the setting you have chosen is really delicate... it can become a really great story and have even the potential to become a epopee, if you make the right decisions about the story line, but it is even easier to mess this setting up than to make a cup of tee... think not twice about an decision, thing thrice or four times about every decision. Even the smallest mistake can ruin your story.
I don't want to unsettle you or to daunt you, i just try to help you realize how delicate the situation is, so that you be able to decide the best for the Story... sugarcube.:ajsmug:


P.S. I don't know if you where aware of how delicate your setting would be, but belief me; don't dump this story it would just take the triple amount of creativity to make this Setting smooth and firm. And if you managed this, you really can be proud of yourself.

^^

Read description, was skeptical, however Iafter reading the prologue I like where this is going.

I feel like this chapter moved too quickly, in the first we had some time to become aquainted with the characters, here we had much too much happen.
First the Ursa Major encounter [ignoring the litteraly being sent flying which was fairly rediculous], then the gawking -> healing of mike, then the party entering ponyville, the the first encounter, then mike miraculously waking up and being bandaged, then the summons, then the trainride. Each of these events could have been elaborated on and expanded beyond the skeleton of what you have here, this really feels like the outline of a story more than an actual chapter.

1810385 I see what you're saying. Yeah, I'll definitely flesh out the rest of the chapters a great deal more. Thanks for the input.

far to short but good ^^

Carnage? ...BUCK YEAH!!!!:flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage: CARNAGE RULES!!!

You killed off Carnage? Writer I am disapoint.:ajbemused:
But I'll give you another chance...

4123851 Considering Carnage has come back from FAR worse I wouldn't be worried if I were you.:trollestia:

5490951 Fortunately I have risen from the dead once more and I do intend on continuing this story. The issue is when I started I was young and stupid and didn't plan anything out, so I first need to plan out my major plot points.

I'm sorry but when I read the part about RD ramming Mathias's chestplate I laughed. If she was going that fast she wouldn't have crushed herself on his ceremite plating.

First sentence in and I was annoyed:
This sudden change…” Twilight began “what happened? Why has he suddenly become so…different?” she asked turning to her mentor but instead Luna answered.
“Mathias sees himself as a protector of innocent lives, human or otherwise. In threatening that filly’s life the beast ‘Carnage’ has awoken a sleeping giant and brought out in him a terrible fury.” Luna stated and Twilight nodded as she slowly began to understand that the living war machine Mathias Grek did indeed have a heart.

How did she know he was a living war machine? How does Luna know what he see's himself as? they only asked one question which was answered in a way that said he was a soldier and thats it.

after seeing that half ass fight scene with Chaos Space Marines...Ugh, I... I can say I am very uninterested. Its VERY unrealistic that even magneto could do that shit mike pulled(...maybe magneto, but still). Megumi... well i'm saying right now that even with all of her 'vectors' she wouldn't be able to compromised warp powered Legion power armor. The Dante battle... I can kinda get, but very few chaos marines under Nermeroth are that stupid. I can see the Sergeant killing one of his corrupted peers, (60\40) Victory likeliness. I may sound like a dick and a nit picker, but coming from a chaos enthusiast and a massive Warhammer40k fan such as myself, that was cringe worthy. Maybe if they where all renegades, or a Bloodletter for Dante, And a Aspiring Champion for the Sarg, then it would make more sense, but that's coming from a pure Warhammer40k viewpoint. once again not trying to be a dick here, but its hard to let that shit go unchecked. - Your friendly Warhammer fan\Critic

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