21: Intervention - by StarSlinger
Intervention - by special guest author StarSlinger
Chapter published 21st May 2013
*************************
Warily, Twilight Sparkle approached the wide double doors of the Apple family’s barn. Spike had been very vague on exactly why Applejack had wanted to see her here. In fact, Twilight was pretty sure that there was some secret that her assistant had been desperately trying to avoid blurting out. The amount of stuttering and sweat from Spike had been quite impressive. However, the small dragon had run off before she could press him further…
“An intervention!?” cried Twilight, has she took in the sight of her fellow Elements and herdmates all gathered together under a banner with “Intervention” sprawled across it in bright pink, glitter-infused, lettering.
In the front of the group was Lero, with a scroll in his hand. Her human stallion looked very much as if he wished he was anywhere but where he currently was.
Lero cleared his throat nervously, “Uhm, yeah, sorry about the banner Twi, we asked for Pinkie’s help in organizing this, but I think she missed the finer details of what an intervention is…” Lero was interrupted at the sound of Applejack tackling a jubilant Pinkie Pie as she about to burst into some sort of dance number. The bigger earth pony quickly shoved a hoof into the pink pony’s mouth, stopping an incoming song.
Pulling her head away and freeing her mouth, Pinkie glared in annoyance Applejack. “Awwwwwww, Applejack, I spent a lot of time on the ‘Your Incredibly-Super-Inconceivable-Awesome Intervention’ number!”
“Aw, nothing!” Applejack replied, exasperated, “you were right there when Lero explained that an intervention ain’t that kind of party! In fact it ain’t a party at all! It’s ta help Twilight face her problem!”
“Wait, problem? WHAT problem!?” Twilight exclaimed.
Lero cleared his throat several times and hesitantly began to read from his scroll, which was obviously a prepared speech.
“Twilight Sparkle…my love… your family and your closest friends have all gathered here today because we are concerned for you. We know you have been feeling unchallenged lately… with your research book being reviewed by your editor and with things here at Ponyville being more ‘quiet’ then we are used to. However, the way you are choosing to challenge yourself… as well as the pace you are doing it… has us… uhm… concerned.”
“More like terrified...” Twilight’s herdmate Rainbow Dash muttered under her breath, just loud enough for the group to hear.
Twilight, for her part, still seemed to be at a loss. “How I am spending my time? What is everypony TALKING about?”
Lero attempted to continue his speech despite the interruptions. “Twilight, we all love you, and we all love that you are curious, always pushing the boundaries of what can be done and what is possible for us all. And believe us when we say that we all appreci…”
“You have to stop with the Lerotech, ok!?” Rainbow Dash interrupted, quickly moving to the front of the group, positioning herself in front of Lero, directly a few inches from Twilight.
Twilight blinked, ‘Lerotech’ was the term her herd had given to the magitech she had been developing based on Lero’s tales of his former world.
“But I have already cut back!” Twilight protested. “I promised everypony after that tiny glitch with the temporary spray-on mane dye.”
“Glitch!? Glitch!?” Now it was Twilight’s friend Rarity who spoke up. “Sure, darling, that infernal spray worked, but everpony that used it got a magical rash all over their coat within three hours! I couldn’t stand show myself in public for days afterwards. DAYS!”
“And let’s not forget the other stuff.” Rainbow continued, cutting off Rarity before the white unicorn really got going with the theatrics. “There was that vibrating bed that made you hurl…”
“And that there pressure cooking thing that darn once blew off the side of this here barn…” interjected Applejack.
“Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! And the Pop Rocks candy!” squealed Pinkie. “Those were deeeeelish.”
“And finally…” Dash cut in, trying to regain control of the conversation. “Let’s not forget about the whole ‘Mr. Coolly’ fiasco.”
“Now, Rainbow Dash, that is not fair!” Twilight said sternly, finally getting over her initial shock. “I have repeatedly apologized to everypony that was involved in the...” Using her hooves, Twilight quoted the air “…Mr. Coolly incident. And WHY did everypony start using that name, ‘Mr. Coolly’ in the first place!?”
Twilight’s question was answered as, suddenly, a pink blur appeared between the two ponies. “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my GOSH, Twilight!!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. “I completely forgot, but I fiiiinaly finished that jingle for Mr. Coolly I was talking to you about!!” Without a pause, the hyper pink pony took a deep breath and broke out into song…
“TA DA TA DA DA DA DA!!! Mr. COOLLY!!!…”
…only to be tackled and again gagged by Applejack.
“Sorry, she gotta away from me for a bit there,” the large mare replied. “Please keep on goin’.”
“Anyway…” Twilight continued, her right eye twitching slightly. “How can you possibly still be upset over that?”
“Because you won’t believe me when I tell you it’s still out there!” Rainbow shouted back. “Yes, there was a magical fire and yes we found the burnt remains of what appeared to be Mr. Coolly… But you said yourself that there were multiple prototypes and spare parts caught in the fire and well! It could of set off the fire itself and used those parts to trick us into believing it was destroyed! It knew I was about to smash it, we were discussing it in the next room!” Rainbow Dash finished her rant, breathing heavily and looking around in a very paranoid manner.
Twilight had, meanwhile, put her hoof to her forehead and sighed heavily before replying. “Rainbow Dash, as I have explained before many, many, many times, Mr. Cool… the Automated Cooler Unit, specifically mark 11 in this case, was not sapient! It only had very rudimentary logic embedded into it so it could be used by anypony without the need for a partner. The logic gave simple conditions for the device’s magic to follow as well as facilitated the execution of the standardized commands that could be given verbally by the owner. The events of the ‘Mr. Coolly incident,’ while unfortunate, was simply a matter of a few bugs in the device’s internal programming.”
“A few bugs!” Rainbow replied. “After you convinced Fluttershy to try your invention that one time she was in heat, we…could...not...get…it…out…of…her!! It took you and Lyra both trying for an hour to drag it out. Heck, given the sheer amount of that specialized ‘cooling gel’ you developed that was involved, I was shocked Flutter didn’t develop hydrotheromia!”
“Hypothermia,” corrected Twilight. “And yes, obviously the routines in charge of the stop commands were not working properly, and I had evidently made the anti-slippage spell a bit too strong, but that does not mean Mr. Coo… grrrr… I mean the ACU mark 11 had developed self awaren…”
“Then how do you explain a month later?” interrupted Dash again. “When Fluttershy was over at our house for lunch? That thing flew all the way from your workshop and managed to get in her again. And she wasn’t even in heat! That time, it took you, Lyra, and Lero to get it out. Heck, I still say we should have offered Fluttershy an invitation to join the herd… at that point it would have basically been a formality!”
“Rainbow, that’s enough,” muttered Lero as he stepped forward and put his arm around the cyan mare. He whispered into her ear, “I think Fluttershy’s face is about to ignite.” He nodded his head over to the other pegasus, who had been sitting quietly amongst the others. Now though, her eyes were downcast and her face was a brilliant shade of red.
“Ooops, sorry Fluttershy, I kinda got carried away there for a sec,” said Dash apologetically.
“That’s…That’s ok Rainbow…” muttered Fluttershy, looking back up. “Thank you for considering me for your herd… though, truth be told, when the time comes I would much rather start one of my own… I…” The yellow pegasus trailed off as she realized all eyes in the room were on her.
“Regardless,” interjected Twilight, more to spare her friend further embarrassment than to continue her argument with Rainbow Dash. “Just because a device shows something like intelligent behavior does not make it sapient. I mean an instance of spontaneous self-awareness in a magical object would be unprecedented!”
“Reeeealy?” Rainbow replied, now sounding somewhat smug. “I guess Decemet doesn’t count?”
“Wait…what?…who?” Twilight asked, perplexed and caught off guard by the sudden change in topic.
“Ya know, Decemet? Decemet Octo? That audio recording do-hicky that is obsessed with Lero and yer brother,” answered Applejack. The orange earth pony’s face took on a puzzled expression. “how’d it come up with its name, anyhow?”
“Probably because ‘Decem-et-octo’ is ancient Equestrian for ‘eight-of-ten’, which makes sense, as it was the eighth mark in a series of ten. I had to rework the internal circuits after that and just decided to start a new iteration...” Twilight distractedly responded. Once again, the purple mare’s mind seem to instinctively switch into lecture mode whenever it became confused. Twilight, shook her head as if to clear it. “Wait, wait, wait… That machine isn’t self-aware!” Twilight exclaimed. “It just managed to sound intelligent due to its randomly-shifting narration parameters. There was no evidence of actual sapience!”
“Is getting not one… or two… but three erotic novellas published count?” A now exasperated Rainbow Dash replied.
Twilight’s mouth started to hang loose in shock. “Novellas, how is it writing novellas?”
Once again, Lero cleared his throat. “Well, Twi, when you last stored it, you placed it right by your auto-notation quill, you know the one you enchanted with the infinite ink spell? Well, ‘Decemet Octo’ as it calls itself, somehow figured out the verbal commands for the quill and we think it has been dictating the stories and then somehow slipping the scrolls in the mail. We didn’t even realize anything was wrong until we started to get the fan mail.”
“Oh yes, darling, they are fascinated reads!” A surprisingly enthusiastic Rarity chimed in. “The second one was a little slow for my taste and the third was a bit lazy with the character development, but the first!” The unicorn mare placed a hoof to her chest and gave a small sigh. “The first was a piece of absolute genius! I mean the sheer emotion displayed by the stallion Duke Gleaming Helmet towards his forbidden love Mero, the prince of the ape-ponies! The sheer passion and romance just radiates off the page!”
“Rarity!” Dash exclaimed, rearing up and shoving her forehooves over her ears. “Not helping!”
“Sorry Rainbow,” apologized Rarity. “ I just tend to appreciate quality when I see it. Besides I am sure that the novellas will not catch on other than in certain circles.”
“Actually, the first novella has been nominated for ‘Best Erotic Stallion-on-Stallion Story ‘ in Ruttime magazine... as well as the Canterlot Herald’s Equinitzer award for best political essay.” Lyra said, speaking up for the first time, a twinkle in her eye. “I saw the announcements while visiting my parents last week.” The mint-green unicorn tilted her head as if in thought. “It seems that the Traditionalists view the work as a scathing political satire on the Crown’s refusal to review or comment on their various petitions regarding inter-species relations. On the other hoof, the Progressives interpret it as a story illustrating how to best break down the restraints and norms of contemporary pony society… or they just think it is hot. You know, it’s actually quite remarkable for an author to be able to reach such a diverse reader-base with one work…”
“Enough!” shrieked Twilight, blushing furiously. “All of that aside, why am I here for an intervention? I swore off all but the occasional Lerotech project weeks ago!”
“It is because of this!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash, producing a well-worn, leather bound notebook.
“Hey!” Exclaimed Twilight, suddenly starting to look nervous. “That looks like my research journal! Why do you have my research journal!? RAINBOW DASH!! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD STEAL MY RESEARCH JOURNAL!!!” The brief flicker of nerves evaporated in an instant as Twilight’s face flushed with anger and her eyes narrowed dangerously. The purple unicorn took a threatening step toward her cyan herdmate. Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash instinctively braced herself for a fight.
Lero, for his part, instantly recognized where the situation was headed and quickly stepped in-between his loves before things truly got out of hand. Sure enough, with their stallion placed between them, the two pony’s herd instincts kicked in, causing them to relax, albeit unconsciously.
“In Dash’s defense, we were both looking for the copy of the chestnut soup recipe she lent you for the research book,” said Lyra. The mare had moved up beside Rainbow Dash, joining the rest of her herd.
“What we stumbled upon, however, was this…” Lyra continued, taking the journal from Dash and opening it to a section that had a well-filled and annotated calendar drawn across two pages. She held up the journal so Twilight could see its contents. “It appears to be a development and research plan for about a dozen new Lerotech items. Furthermore, most of these entries are dated only a few days ago, well after you promised us you were taking a quote ‘extremely long break’ from Lerotech.”
Meanwhile, Twilight’s momentary flash of anger had left her as Lyra's words caused her nervousness to return in full force. The mare started to sweat profusely. “Th...Those aren’t Lerotech projects.” she stammered. “They are just regular research ideas!”
Lyra and Dash looked at their herdmate incuriously, reading from the journal, both mares took turns replying:
“Heated mane curlers?”
“Automated vegetable chopper?”
“Self-cleaning toilets?”
“FLANK implants? What the hay!?”
“Those would only be for mares with dangerously-severe self-esteem issues!!” Twilight protested.
The purple unicorn then broke down into tears. “I.. I’m sorry everpony, I ju…just..” Twilight hiccupped and sobbed, covering her teary eyes with her forehooves. After a brief moment, she continued. “It’s just that I love it when Lero talks about his former home. I know that he doesn’t really talk about it with anypony else these days, not even Dash. And I realize it’s a coping mechanism, but I…I just can’t help feeling that it’s a part of what makes him special and that it is slowly slipping away.” Twilight took a deep breath, regaining control of her emotions. “So I make it a point to engage him on his past… and I do love the stories! Very much! They are all soooo fascinating! However, they also inevitably inspire me to try and bring a piece of his world into ours, and once I get an idea in my head, I have to write it down! And once it gets written down, it had to be incorporated into a list somewhere.. so it is organized… and then.. well things just sort of spiral onwards from there…”
Twilight stopped her rant as she felt Lero and the rest of her herd envelope her into and loving group embrace. They all stood there a moment, sharing the in the glow that only a loving herd could provide.
Lero was the first to speak, his voice thick with emotion. “I know Twi, and I love you for it. Look, again, we are not trying to forbid you from inventing, it’s just… we need you to slow down. Having to deal with a Lerotech malfunction every other day is just too much. Let’s… Just come to me first before you start construction, ok? Let me give you the final verdict on if that particular part of my old life needs to be reborn here.”
Twilight sniffed. “Ok,” she replied. Having her herd around her, giving support, had all but completely calmed her nerves. “I can do that, I should have thought of that myself.”
Her herdmates all pulled back giving Twilight big smiles. Meanwhile, the other mares in the room had starting clomping their hooves on the ground in approval.
“Now that we have that all cleared up,” shouted a now-free Pinkie Pie. “Let’s PARTY!” Flipping backwards, the pink party master landed behind her patented party cannon, which she had somehow materialized. Without hesitation, Pinky Pie pulled the firing cord, which caused the barn to temporarily fill with noise and smoke. After everything had cleared, the room had changed. Where before there had been empty tables and chairs, there was now a full spread of drinks and snacks, including a cake. Additional party decorations hung from the barn walls and ceiling and the Intervention banner now had the words “After Party” scribbled underneath it glittery-pink letters.
“Come on guys,” Rainbow Dash said with a wide grin, “let’s go have some cake!”
**********
The “Intervention After Party” had only been in full swing for a dozen or minutes before Lyra spoke up, her concerned voice cutting through the chatter. “Does anypony else hear that? It sounds like yelling.”
The group of ponies and one human rushed to the barn door and flung it open. In the distance they could see the small form of Spike, scrambling toward the barn while weaving and dodging. Something seem to be flying behind him, giving chase. As the group watched, they could hear his voice, distant but clear.
“LERO, TWILIGHT, RARITY, SOMEPONY, HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“What’s that chasing him!?” Exclaimed Rarity.
The group squinted their eyes, trying to catch a clear glance of whatever was chasing Spike.
“Wait… is that?” stated Lyra.
“It can’t be!?” Twilight exclaimed.
“It’s Mr. Coolly!!” exclaimed Pinkie happily, clopping her forehooves together.
Rainbow Dash, meanwhile, had the complete opposite reaction to the Element of Laughter. “Oh, no!! Mr. Coolly’s back and it’s chosen Spike as its next victim!!”
Despite the urgency of the situation Twilight’s mind once again switched into lecture mode, reacting to Dash’s comment.
“It’s not alive Rainbow Dash!” she exclaimed. “Spike’s high internal temperature is probably just confusing its targeting system!”
“Targeting system!” replied Dash. “Why the buck did that thing need a targeting system!”
Both ponies were interrupted as their stallion rushed past them. “Enough guys,” Lero shouted over his shoulder as he ran. “We need to go help Spike right now!”
Jolted into action by the human’s word, the remaining ponies dashed out of the barn. The barn door swung shut behind them, cutting off Applejack’s fading voice.
“Wait a sec, Spike’s a fella! Even if Mr. Coolly caught up to him, where would it…?”
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A guest chapter! How exciting!
A big thank you to StarSlinger for this one. I almost got caught laughing at my desk when I first read it.
Giggity.
Some things can not be un-read, as much as you might wish. This is both hilarious, and yet falls into the category of things I need brain-bleach for.
Well done StarSlinger?
lmffo
Wow that was a 'Cool' chapter. Simply Hilarious.
Well done.
~8chill
so much win
t.qkme.me/3uhcom.jpg
When Twilight started crying and then confessing that she does have a problem:
Glad they found a compromise about having Twilight talk to Lero about it instead of inventing things behind everyone's back.
well... a sentient heat seeking dildo with anti-slip powers just moved up into my top 10 things that terrify me the most
I was chuckling most heartily.
Especially at the underage attempted anal rape... Now, everyone start feeling bad about yourselves for it.
Omg the second i knew for sure what Mr. Coolly was i was it a sex bot twi made a sex bot OMG
Loved it. Kept getting it instead of the With smiles and clenching jaws - Part One. I was like what the hell? Clicked back and tried again and got this again and was like seriously? Then I refreshed the page and felt very very dumb.
I fail to see why a cooler needs a targeting system.
Next you're going to tell me it propels itself with rocket motors and it's capable of withstanding five thousand degree Kelvin temperatures.
I wish I hadn't read this, but I so enjoyed it anyway. Just the implications. Spike's first enema.
2610725
Now you got me wondering if anyone's written a story about Twilight cobbling together a robotic stallion and then some shenanigans cause it to gain a degree of sentience, "Jonny5 is alive!" "Need input!" And proceeds to literally read everything it can reach in the Library.
And since we simply cannot have an AI trotting around without some mare letting curiosity and estrus get the better of her...
Heat-seeking automated dildos will now forever haunt my nightmares. Thank you
2611216
Lets put it this way... you want to be sure it picks the right... target... when you tell it to activate.
So flying tech-magic device know as- freaking flying dildo-vibrator with several lube and gels too chose from- gone after.... ouch. I hope that they saved him in the end. Mr. Coolly must be destroyed asap.
Whelp, wasn't expecting that at all (but definitely not complaining).
As for heat-seeking automated dildos, I think it's been said before that, there's a fetish for everything...
Great idea, just bad execution on Twi's part.
Thats just... wow, yeah... I was in between laughing and just shaking my head. This is awesome, ridiculous and horrifying at he same time. Well done Starslinger, very well done. Its not often I get to enjoy reading something so inane as to render me speechless.
WHAT WAS SEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEN! (Or unread, in this case)
That was glorious. Mad scientist Twilight is always the best Twilight, especially when she has a human whose brain she can pick.
Also, depending on how dragon genitalia work, Spike may have a cloaca, further confusing
Mr. Coothe ACU. Just saying.at first, I was thinking 'Mr. Coolly... the cooler...
where have I heard that term in this story befo- OH, MY GOD!!!' TWILIGHT, YOU ANIMAL!!! 
HEAT SEEKING MOISTURE MISSILE, LAUNCHING NOW! 
I just get this image in my head of a living vibe, slowly stalking poor Fluttershy with the theme from 'Jaws' playing in the background!
Thanks, author, I needed that laugh.
Might want to edit it for spelling, then repost.
Oh my god, just oh my god.
I was rolling on the floor laughing at the part about the novellas. A little self parody is always welcome
So hilarious! I love it!
Minor issue, one of the later paragraphs, when she is confessing about Lero's stories:
"slowing" should probably be "slowly"
Still, awesome!
So... what happens when Spike breathes fire on Mr. Coolly in self-defense?
2622670
I guess then we would get to see which is the greater force: dragon's fire VS cooling gel
GOGOGOGOGO!!!
I'd imagine it would be like the showdown between Princess Celestia and Queen Chrysalis in "A Canterlot Wedding - Part 2" except with different... er.. stuff... involved ...
I love how meta the commentary on the smut put out by the scribe is.
Corrections are mixed in with the commentary.
Wait, there's a sentient penis running around? Well this is interesting.
Soooo, was Fluttershy is a comatose state after such a thorough, ummm, cooling?
I feel there is a story in the works here that needs a reading.
Well I guess there is a lack of balance, two unicorns and only one pegasus.
Borg reference?
Sooooo, is a Decemet Octo account going to be made?
I think you mean "fascinating reads".
Rarity is a fan of the M/M I take it. The implications of this sentence are just amazing and hilarious.
"has be has been", might want to think about cleaning that up a little bit. You also have a lone apostrophe hanging in space.
I feel FLANK is meant to be an acronym, but not quite sure. Though I am sure if will be a hit with the stallions.
"Hey, my eyes are up here, not on my ass."
"Sorry ma'am, but I already made my choice."
"seemed"
I take it Mr. Coolly had issues trying escape Pinkie.
derpicdn.net/media/W1siZiIsIjIwMTMvMDQvMTYvMTJfNDZfMTJfMzk3XzI5OTg1NF9fVU5PUFRfX3NhZmVfcGlua2llX3BpZV9mbHV0dGVyc2h5X2FwcGxlamFja19wbG90X291dF9vZl9jb250ZXh0X3Nob2NrZWQuanBnIl1d/299854__safe_pinkie-pie_fluttershy_applejack_plot_out-of-context_shocked.jpg
My face when Mr. Coolly catches Spike. AJ now knows.
2611216
Well of coarse, duh. It's called engineering for every possible case, every possible case! Aperture Science does it and so should everyone else.
What a chilling note you left us on!
Wow, I just posted that, didn't I? Poor spike, I feel so sorry for him.
Twi, about your problems with the Mr. Cooly:
2610178
Did they just reference...?!
I know how to catch it: invent a Missus Warmy!
This is hilarious! So may references and they all work! Also, I demand Mr. Cooly VS Celestia and Luna!
Okay my sides now ache you win author, GG.
hilarious thats all
ITTTSSS RAPINGG TIMEEE!!!!! is my reaction to the end of this chapter
OMG! PffffftHAHAhahahahahahlololol!
This needs more proofreading and less fluttershy-raped-by-sentient-dildos. And it could have done without Spike being involved; minors in forced sexual situations are not okay. Rape jokes in general are just... No. Just no.
...
...
...This is the best thing in the history of ever.
2610889 spike bite a pillow it's going in dry (I'm sorry)
So a large penis machine is chasing spike, hmm?
Did it look anything like this?
Mr. Coolly...? Sentient humping machine?!
Did Twilight ever make a 'Lerotech toaster breakfast companion'?
Sapient rape machine huh? ... Yeah that seems like something twilight would do.
So... Twilight has an addiction to inventing, particularly sentient machines. One that rapes and the other that writes erotica. Naturally, Lyra's comments are best.
And this story hasn't updated in how long? For shame.
could *have
derpicdn.net/img/2014/5/16/627752/small.gif
Ordinarily, you need to be in the navy or in prison to learn the answer to that