Ch. 33 - Hearth's Warming
The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Hearth’s Warming
♫ The fire of friendship lives in our hearts
As long as it burns we cannot drift apart
Though quarrels arise, their numbers are few
Laughter and singing will see us through
We are a circle of pony friends
A circle of friends we'll be to the very end! ♫
Green Grass sang along with the rest of the crowd in the theatre at the Hearth’s Warming Pageant just as loudly and possibly a bit more off-key than Twilight Sparkle’s parents on either side of him. A number of coincidentally placed rather hefty ponies in their immediate vicinity seemed less concerned with the pageant than keeping fairly close and looking around. From their nearly identical short manecuts, they were either disguised Royal Guard, or badly disguised Royal Guard, dispatched undoubtedly from the Princess to discourage reporters from his vicinity. They were starting to get annoying. The reporters, not the guards.
Still, he thoroughly enjoyed the Hearth’s Warming Pageant to a degree he had never experienced before, basking in the warm glow of happiness from Twilight’s parents, with some small amount of his own warmth contributed to the effort. After the final curtain call as the rest of the audience was picking their way out of the theatre, he was more than happy to escort Twilight’s parents backstage to the wrap party.
“Greenie!” The pink blur of party pony fairly bounced off him, over to Night Light, the hefty stallions following them, and over to Twilight Velvet, spreading hugs with every bounce. “We were just starting the party! Ooo, Mrs. Twilight, you’re extra special huggy today. You get three times⁽*⁾ the hugs!”
(*) Well, there were three times the ponies to hug, two of whom were very small.
—
The light tracing of a hoof up his back was the only warning Green Grass got of his assault. One moment he was watching Twilight’s pregnant mother getting hugged while wondering if they had informed Twilight Sparkle she was about to become a big sister, the next moment the unicorn in question had slipped in front of him for a chaste kiss of respectable duration, considering her parents were within hoof-reach.
“Hi Greenie. What did you think of the show?” Twilight Sparkle had shed her Clover the Clever outfit for a warm muffler, looking as if she were going to trot right out into the snowy streets with her next step.
“Am I supposed to grade it?” he asked with a smile. “I suppose I might dock a point or two for technical performance flaws—” Twilight’s soft violet gaze that he was basking under began to get chilly “—made up for, of course, by excellent costuming and singing,” he completed quickly, feeling the warmth return to her gaze.
“Enough of that, son,” interrupted Night Light, standing nearby and looking impatient. “Show her your thesis grade. He’s had it stuck inside his sweater all night, and he wouldn’t let either of us look until he could show you.” Night Light gestured to a suspicious lump under the green stallion’s sweater, which made his daughter giggle.
“Mom got you that sweater, didn’t she?”
“How could you tell?” A series of mathematical formulas began at the sweater’s neckline, starting with simple Commutative and Associative principles, branching out into Trigonometry down one sleeve, and Calculus down the other, with the chest segueing into a series of conjugated Latin verbs and sentence diagramming. With a great deal of displayed reluctance, he began to draw out the envelope, only to have it pounced on by Twilight. Twilights.
“Mom!” Twilight Sparkle wrestled with her mother briefly before relinquishing control of the envelope to her elder. “What does it say?”
“Manners, dear.” Twilight Velvet continued reading in silence, a red pencil tracing her progress down the page with the occasional mark or muttered, “Hmm.” Finally, she tucked the report back into the envelope with a sharp nod. “Not bad, only three typos, an unneeded hyphen, and one of the most inconsistent uses of the Clopsford Comma rule that I’ve ever seen.”
“What score did he get?” asked Twilight Sparkle with a bright, happy smile as if she were opening a present.
“Oh, sorry dear. I was reading the thesis committee's report.” She pulled the papers back out of the envelope again only to have Twilight Sparkle snatch them out of her grasp.
“97.7 percent! How could you get that low a grade?” Green Grass waited in silence, knowing Twilight was perfectly capable of answering her own question. “Pronunciation? They dinged you for points because you can’t speak proper Griffon without a beak? Well, we can fix that!”
“No!” he yelped. “I like my lips.”
“I’m sure she likes them too,” said Twilight Velvet, patting him on the sleeve⁽¹⁾. “What she meant was you can appeal your thesis evaluation to regain your lost points. Isn’t that right, dear?”
(1) Specifically on the Volume of Conic Sections.
—
“What? Yes, of course. Right. Heh.” Twilight Sparkle blushed. “Why don’t I just go over and get us some punch? Mom, you can describe the appeal process to him while I’m gone.” The purple mare trotted off rather quickly in the direction of the refreshment table while Green Grass eyed her mother.
“I really don’t want to appeal. I’m perfectly happy with my score.”
“Of course you are, dear. But there’s a principle involved here.” Twilight Velvet pulled a set of forms out of her purse and started to pass them over. “Now, I’ve started the process and—”
“No.”
“What do you mean, dear?” Velvet held the forms and a quill suspended in front of her in a posture that indicated only a slight pause in an inevitable process.
“I mean, no. As in, I’m not going to do it. I’m perfectly fine with my score.”
“Why, that’s simply ridiculous. You don’t deserve to have those points taken—”
“No.”
“But the appeals process—”
“No.”
* * *
“Two point three points,” grumbled Twilight Sparkle as she walked over to the punch bowl. “Can’t believe he’s just going to roll over and— Excuse me? I was going to get some punch?”
The white unicorn stallion who had cut in front of her at the punch bowl turned around and put on a broad smile. “Twilight Sparkle? It is you! My brother has said such nice things about you. Allow me to get you a drink, please.” He turned his back and served up two glasses in his firm blue magical aura, passing hers over smoothly, with just a light tingle as their magical fields touched. “Asclepius is not really my brother, but we’ve been so close ever since medical school that we’ve been called the Alicorn Twins. You know, his wings and my horn.”
“Oh, he’s here? I didn’t think I saw him with Rarity tonight.” Twilight lifted the punch to her lips and hesitated. Something about the stallion’s eyes reminded her of several bad memories, and there was the faintest tickle in her magical grip on the punch that was familiar. Lowering the punch back down, she leaned closer to the stallion with a practiced smile. “You know, I never did thank him for taking care of my friend so well after the Sapphire Shores concert.”
“Well, then. Allow me to accept your thanks on his behalf. My name is Lord Euripides, of House—” He cut off abruptly as Twilight moved closer, almost nose to nose with him. Her analysis spell was complete, and the results just what she expected.
“Have you ever been to Stalliongrad?”
“N-no, I can’t say I have.” The stallion looked rattled momentarily, his sense of calm returning as Twilight took a step back and restored his personal space, having accomplished her objective.
“Allow me to teach you something I learned from the Stalliongrad ambassador.” She hefted her drink in front of her face, motioning him to do it also. “It is very important for Stalliongrad toast that all of drink be consumed at once,” she continued in a low Stalliongrad accent. “It shows you have real steel in your spine. Now we present our drinks like so.” Carefully she raised her drink to touch his, and smiled, or at least exposed her teeth.
“Lyubov!” They both tipped their drinks back and guzzled, finishing the entire glass and turning it upside-down in front of each other. There was a faint patterning of applause from surrounding ponies who had noticed the exchange and were watching intently.
“Do you know what else the Stalliongrad ambassador taught me, Lord Euripides?”
“No, I don’t,” he replied, looking slightly baffled.
“He taught me how to cheat at cards.” Twilight’s voice rose in volume slightly for the benefit of the surrounding ponies. “You see, there’s this rather difficult spell that allows you to trade two identical objects. Normally it can be used to switch your cards for better ones carefully tucked away, but it can also be used when—” Twilight’s voice changed to a frosty snap “—some unscrupulous stallion tries to gimmick your drink!”
“I-I don’t—” Euripides had a slightly pale cast to his already white coat, and his eyes darted around the room sluggishly. “I think I-I should…”
“Thought I recognized that spell,” said Twilight bitterly. “Your willpower is all gone, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” he responded blankly. “I didn’t think it would be like this.”
“I know just how you feel,” growled Twilight under her breath with only a brief twinge of regret at the number of witnesses. “I’d like you to tell somepony all about your plans for this evening, Lord Euripides.” She gestured a nearby disguised guard over, and tried to avoid a look of disgust as the defused Lothario began to rattle off his precise itinerary, all neatly organized into a checklist of sorts. Within moments, the surrounding ponies were looking aghast and blushing vigorously while she slipped away from the commotion.
Once she was certain the young noble was in good hooves, it only took a moment for her to scoop up several replacement glasses of punch and wended her way back to the family. It felt a bit strange to think of the green earth pony as family, but with her mother’s sweater across his back and the approving nod Night Light gave the both of them at the exit door as she trotted up, it was only a minor hiccup in a warm glow.
“Mom and Dad headed home early?” she asked, levitating one of her glasses of punch over to Green Grass while looking at her parents leaving the party, Spike draped across her father’s back.
“Yes, Spike clunked out. Too much stress and a late night, I guess. Plus your mother had a headache⁽²⁾.” Green Grass gestured at the blonde unicorn still talking uncontrollably while being led away from the punch bowl by two security guards. “Problems?”
(2) Twilight Velvet did not admit to losing the argument, only postponing the inevitable conclusion.
—
“No. How about you?”
“Not a one.” He grinned foolishly, receiving one just as foolish in return, although there were lines of tension around her eyes that made his heart beat faster. “Just enjoying the moment.” The grin faded slightly as he glanced around the room. “I only feel a little like the main attraction in the circus. We seem to be splitting the viewing public. About half of them are watching you, and the other half, me.” They drank their drinks quietly with little conversation, watching the way eyes would flicker away, only to return when they thought the watcher had returned to other activities.
This cast party was actually fairly subdued in Green Grass’ expert opinion. At this point in the ‘My Fair Mare’ wrap party, the drunken romantic leads had already landed in the punch bowl and the refreshment table respectively, and the prop bed had been ‘claimed.’ Then again, that party did not have a half-dozen formerly armored party poopers hanging around the exits. It was time to liven things up around here, and the best way to accomplish it, was to leave in style so the party could really start.
“Do you feel like getting out of here?” he whispered to Twilight, who quickly nodded in response, dumping her leftover drink into a nearby trash can almost instantly.
“Would you mind if I conducted a bit of statistical research, just out of curiosity before we leave?” Her thin-lipped glare was weak, more of a discouragement than a command, but her sparkling eyes were what he saw. “Good. I’ll only be a moment.”
“Attention! Can I have your attention, please? Thank you.” Green Grass made his announcement standing atop the front table, with a clear line of flight to the door just in case this went badly. Once all the eyes of the room were on him, he cleared his throat. “Just a quick statistical survey here before Twilight and I take off from this wonderful party.” A number of whistles and catcalls echoed up from the crowd, and Green Grass grinned in response. “Thank you, thank you. I hope you all find someone half as nice. Can we get a quick round of applause for the entire cast, including the best Clover the Clever I’ve ever seen?”
A roaring clop of stomping hooves drowned out all attempts at conversation as Twilight Sparkle blushed adorably at the doorway.
“Wonderful. Now for the mathematical portion of the evening. Can we get a quick show of hooves here, please? How many of you have heard that false rumor about my sorry green hide being engaged to Princess Celestia? Ah. That many?” A veritable forest of upraised hooves greeted his eyes.
“Now keep those hooves up. How many of you actually believe Princess Celestia would fall for a lazy green earth pony who got such bad grades in school?” A vast majority of the hooves went down. “Wow, that’s still a lot of you. Either you all have a lower opinion of our Princess, or a higher opinion of me. I’ll presume it’s a high opinion of me.” An embarrassed wave of laughter went around the room.
“Okay, last question. Those of you with your hooves up, how many of you would be willing to bet fifty bits cash that the Princess and I really are romantically involved?” Every single hoof went down, with a wave of nervous laughter. Green Grass turned to Twilight and grinned. “See, dear. None of them seriously believe that garbage in the papers, or I’d be able to make a mint here tonight.”
“Wait a minute!” Rainbow Dash leapt into the air and hovered over Green Grass’ head. “How many of you here have heard that Twilight Sparkle and Mister Modesty, Green Grass are an item?” Every single hoof went up again, and Twilight attempted to blush herself to death, although she raised her own hoof high, as did Green Grass.
“And how many of you think it’s going to last?” There were a few wavering hooves, but they all seemed to stay up, to Green Grass’ consternation and a powerful wave of applause.
“Wait a minute!” Green Grass waved his hoof around until it quieted down. “That means about a dozen of you were crazy enough to think I was going to hook up with both Princess Celestia and Twilight Sparkle?”
One hoof in the back promptly popped up. “And Luna!”
* * *
The walk outside of the theatre into the chill night air brought a matching chill to his heart no sweater could muffle. The Hearth’s Warming break was going to be over in a few days, and then he would be off to Hoofington. Twilight had been far more right than he was comfortable confessing. There had been a dozen stallions in his graduating class that he had been willing to hang out with, or be hung out with. Half of them had seemingly vanished off the edge of Equestria upon graduation, and of the remaining, only one had dropped by his ‘prison’ in the castle, and that was only to confirm the rumor and promptly leave.
They had finally arrived at that time of the night where their two paths were to diverge. There was an equation somewhere around his sweater’s left cuff describing the proper method for calculating the divergence of a vector field, but it was as incomprehensible as anything he had ever faced in his own heart. No calculator or abacus could make sense of the emotions that tore him apart. The cool moonlight seemed a weak substitute for the will to say goodnight; it lit Twilight’s mane and coat with a glitter of a thousand bits of ice crystals that gummed up his words. They stood for a long time at the split in the path. To the left lay security, in the form of the castle and his secure room where hordes of newspaper reporters could be kept at hoofs-length. To the right lay the road to Twilight’s childhood home, where the rest of their friends were staying the night before heading back to Ponyville in the morning.
The word would not come. ‘Goodbye.’ It was a simple word. Ponies had said it for centuries beneath the moonlight as they went their separate ways, although most probably not many with the flutter of guardians in the sky and the lurking presence of a disguised guard at the end of each path. How used to their presence had she become in the years spent at the side of Princess Celestia? Did she even see them anymore, or were they more like lamps and end tables in the castle? He turned to her in the moonlight, his courage braced to speak, but what came out was, “It’s going to be cold in that bedroom at the castle without you.”
Twilight leaned against him, looking up at the stars. “You could always invite Luna.”
He regarded the moon with new eyes, thinking of the lonely Princess of the Night, returned to a strange world with only one thing the same as when she left. The terror at her name was absent now as if it were a dream, blown away by the winds of change. “She’s... not that bad.”
“In bed?”
Green Grass spluttered weakly at Twilight’s enigmatic smile. “No! She’s… different.”
Twilight gave an exaggerated sigh and rolled her beautiful eyes. “It’s the wings, isn’t it?” Despite Green Grass’ objections, she continued onward, fighting a grin. “I knew when I found how ticklish you were, that pegasus wings would win out in the end. No, don’t fight it. I know how attractive she must be to you, as the mare of your dreams.”
“Literally. No, really. I don’t—”
“No, do not fight it, my fearless Knight-Errant. I shall not keep you from the warm embrace of your teacher in the arts of love.” The long-repressed grin finally won, and Twilight’s eyes danced with laughter in the moonlight. “She might keep you after school, or make you write lines.”
“Do I at least get a kiss?”
“Oh, I’m sure she’ll give you loooooots of kisses.” Twilight giggled as she drew close, touching lips gingerly at first, and firmer as time slowly passed in their embrace. They might have been there for minutes, or perhaps hours when they finally parted, and Twilight breathed, “Whoa.”
Green Grass swallowed hard and blinked back tears. “Okay, I’ll stop. But only under protest.”
Twilight’s poke to the ribs in return was so gentle as to be a caress, and she leaned in for another kiss. “Wanna come over to my place? I think I can sneak you in without anypony noticing.”
A feeling of lightheaded abandon swept over him, and he grinned foolishly.
“Great.” She leaned out to look at the bulky unicorn at the end of the path. “Sergeant, I’d like to sneak my coltfriend into the house. Are your soldiers ready?”
“Yes Ma’am!” Looking up into the sky, the badly disguised guard⁽³⁾ called out, “Optio Pumpernickel. Change of plans. Egghead will be accompanied by Lucky back to Home Plate.”
(3) Technically they were not guards. Their official classification was ‘Bait’ for the evening. The real guards were good enough never to be seen unless they were needed.
—
A voice drifted down from the empty sky. “I’ll notify the pickets. We’re a little short-hooved tonight, so be careful.”
The sergeant looked back at Twilight and gave a terse nod. “Ma’am, you are cleared to saunter.”
As the two young lovers began to wend their way back to the Twinkle House, Green Grass sighed in contentment. “I could get used to this. I just wish we had more than three days left.”
“And nights,” said Twilight with a soft nudge.
* * *
Blotter was an old-school reporter in a business that considered school to be outdated. There was no sense in youngsters today, unwilling to dig through trash cans or bribe bellhops for juicy leads. Ambush journalism got the best results; the number of foolish things ponies said with a microphone rammed under their nose in the bathroom or shower had kept him employed firmly on the top of his game for decades. And nothing was juicier than the rumor about Princess Celestia’s new coltfriend. Actually ‘new’ was a misnomer, since there were no records at all⁽⁴⁾ of her ever taking a lover, or even getting married. Careful research of the newspaper records showed this new ‘Consort’ had been almost invisible during his academic career in Canterlot, then proceeded to lead quite a carefree life in Ponyville. The next step would have been to pin him down for an interview, but every effort he had made in that regard had failed.
(4) Blotter should have noticed certain holes in the historical record, or the reluctance of record keepers to talk about the issue. It would have saved him a great deal of trouble.
—
If he would not talk, then the next best thing was to get an interview with the Princess’ student, who apparently had no problems sampling the royal merchandise from the photos and interviews he had accumulated so far. Royal interference with the free press could only go so far. It had taken him hours to locate a proper snowdrift along the route between her home and the theatre, dig a snow-covered camouflaged hole inside and time the guard patrols. Twilight Sparkle had been accompanied by parents on her trip to the theatre, but so far Blotter had already seen the parents and dragon return without a single sign of the elusive unicorn. His hooves were frozen, his tail was frozen, and he was pretty sure his mane was frozen, but he stayed wrapped around his tape recorder to keep it warm and maintained a close watch on the narrow path his prey would have to traverse to return to her home.
This interview was going to be explosive. He could feel it in his bones.
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That's one point three points Twilight, how could you ever make such an elementary arithmetic mistake
Okay! Did not expect attempted rape at all! Is this sort of thing normal for Twilight?
2043636 Because the writer is awful at math. Now you know why it took me three times to get through Calc 2. (fixed)
2043679 Huh?
2043707 The attempted drugging part. I know they've mentioned in the past that she's had to deal with really slimy nobles, just didn't think they were that bad.
2043723 Cream aint the only thing to float to the top. Notice that she also recognized the spell, and took care of it in a way that would not dampen the festivities too much. Something that Pleasants Rules for Pleasant Conversations probably doesn't cover, and implies she's seen this before.
8 days! Do you know how woried I was that you might be taking a break?!
Great chapter as always though
Hmm... well they did grade him down on a technicality. I would appeal.
ah, a nice warm chapter to send me off to bed with pleasant thoughts. Well done. As always, the Guards are a hoot.
Twins! Yay!
2044232 Thinking about calling them either Phobos and Deimos (Fear and Terror) or Quasar and Nova. Very appropriate names.
2044575
I like Quasar, but would you consider Pulsar for the other?
In any case, a heartwarming Hearth's Warming. I especially like the Guard's codenames for our protagonists. I look forward to more.
Never allow the truth to get in the way of a good headline. This is going to cause a lot of trouble. If you want to work Twilicorn into this story, it could actually make things even more deliciously complex - is Twilight stealing away some kind of alicorn dominance rite?
Hah! I definitely have to wonder if there's been any sort of announcement of the twins, or if Pinkie's just being Pinkie.
That is an awesome sweater.
I'm going to have to agree with Greenie's reaction here, I would have been worried for my lips too.
Wow, this Euripides guy is in a lot of trouble. He didn't get very far with it, but I suspect that trying to kidnap, rape, and impregnate somepony doesn't make the Princesses very happy with you, and to try it on Twilight? He'll be lucky if he doesn't get launched to the moon, to the sun, or just compressed inside a very small hard magic shield. Also, should I recognize the name Asclepius in connection with Rarity?
Now that's how to make an exit. I love Dash's contribution to the quiz, and I'm really curious about what pony thought Luna would be involved as well.
Egghead and Lucky, great code names.
This Blotter guy is in for a world of hurt if he actually tries jumping out at them. He's going to feel something in his bones all right.
Egghead and Lucky
Oh Twilight
Oh my God.
could that hoof have been navy blue with a silver shoe?
Too bad that reporters will most likely be killed by Twilight.
>Footnote (1)
(But I can't see it...)
There's a joke in there somewhere, I can smell it.
Next Chapter: Shenanigans
(again)
The way you handle her guards reminds me of Plain Sight... Man, now I want to write a story around her so I won't miss her so much. She really was fun to write.
"You are cleared to saunter home"
Well done.
How much you wanna bet that was Luna herself that said that?
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/368869/her-royal-morning-coffee
Lucky. Quite on the flank for pony names. Approved!
Oh dear Luna. Her foals' numbers double every time they increase!
Love those code names!
Indubitably.
Possibly even pyroclastic.
Pinkie no
Pinkie YES!
With her warm hips, nice and wide for... what are we talking about?
10300008
Seems appropriate that a physics teacher like Twilight Velvet would have a uterus that abides by the Fibonacci Sequence.