Ch. 12 - The Parents, The Fiancée, and the Fountain
The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
The Parents, the Fiancée, and the Fountain
Twilight had just taken a breath to greet Green Grass’ parents and his fiancée as they walked into the library, when her vision of them was obstructed by the frantic stallion’s face in an action both so abrupt and so inept that for a moment, she was unaware she was actually being kissed. His lips were about as cold as ice cubes, but not nearly as moist, and he continued to breathe through his nose while ‘kissing.’ Whatever he intended it to be, it scrambled her thinking as effectively as if he had bucked her straight in the head.
Well, if he didn’t keep breathing, he’d pass out. Maybe I should get him a bag before he hyperventilates?
Buck that! He kissed you! Send him to the moon!
That was supposed to be a kiss? There must be a book in the library to help him.
He’s terrified. I can hear his heartbeat from here.
You idiot, that’s your heart! Moon! Moon! One piece at a time!
There was a noise like a plunger being withdrawn from a hopelessly stopped drain and the cold lips of the tutor quit... whatever they were doing. She still could not grace that awkward action with the name ‘kiss.’ Her concentration must have been rattled because he stepped forward to greet his parents without any resistance from her Sticktation spell on his hooves, leaving her with a close-up view of his twitching beribboned tail and a whiff of Herbal Essence #5 shampoo.
Fry him now! Fry him now!
That’s Fluttershy’s favorite shampoo. She must have done his mane. The girls must have had him tied up in the spa⁽*⁾ for hours.
(*)Literally.
—
They’ll be upset if I set their hard work on fire.
They’ll get over it! Fry him!
Princess Celestia will be upset if you lose control. Again.
Over the tutor’s shoulder, she could see his parents craning their necks to look at the strange mare their son was kissing when they walked in. Her own parents would have been scandalized, possibly shouting and demanding an explanation. His parents looked more fascinated as they appeared to recognize her, then gained a predatory glint to their faces that the fiancée was not comprehending at all.
Would their family gain more status by marrying him to the daughter of an Earl?
No. The daughter of an Earl has less status than Freifrau Sparkle von Twinkle, the Student of Princess Celestia. House Chrysanthemum would kill to get him married to you.
He’s using you. All he wants is the social status of being married to Princess Celestia’s student. Fry ‘em!
He’s introducing me, I had better say something. What do I say?
Pleasant's Guide to Pleasant Conversation, Page 14, Third Paragraph.
Stop being nice! The three of them probably set this up together! Fry ‘em all!
His voice sounds calm, but his tail is trembling like a leaf. I think he’s terrified.
While Green Grass and his parents talked, the fiancée had pulled a book off the shelf and was paging through it in an attempt to appear thoughtful and intellectual. It would have helped if she did not move her lips while she read. Turning the book sideways to look at the illustrations did not help either, and she probably should not have taken the book from the foals literature section if she was trying to impress anypony.
She’s perfect for him. He teaches foals, and she has the mind of a foal.
If she’s that bad, fine. Drag the two lovebirds to the Mayor and have them married today! Then fry him.
There has to be a solution here that does not involve frying. Violence is not the answer.
You’re not asking the right question!
There must be some way to resolve this problem to the satisfaction of all parties. Without frying.
Hey!
She can’t be that bad, she’s the daughter of an Earl.
Something in the book must have struck the fiancée as funny, because she pointed to the book and laughed. Any attempt at conversation in the room was blotted out for a full minute as the braying echoes slowly died, as well as some perfectly good hearing.
They’re perfect for each other. He can’t kiss, and she can’t laugh.
Well, you can’t dance either. Why doesn’t that make you perfect for him?
It’s more humane to fry him than to let him marry that. Do it!
If you let his father drag Green Grass off to be married to that… creature, Dinky will cry.
Hey! Unfair! He’s using you! You’re nothing to him but a stepping stone up the social ladder.
What would you do if your parents decided to force you into a marriage?
To a stallion who laughed like that? The Princess would never—
Princess Celestia wrote the law that lets his parents do this to him.
I’ve got to help him.
Despite everything Twilight Sparkle wanted to do, she lit up her horn and began to concentrate.
A unicorn’s horn allows them to exert great control over the physical world. What many do not realize is that the same horn allows them great control over their mental world too. In terms of raw magical power, Twilight was a 10⁽¹⁾, with a mind like a steel trap⁽²⁾. It took a mental focus greater than most unicorns could ever muster to even try a teleportation spell. Twilight could do it by accident while singing in the shower.
(1) Only because the exponential scale stopped at ten. Her evaluators at school tended to rank her somewhere between twelve and let’s go get a drink, I’m buying.
(2) Tightly wound, dangerous, and tending to violent action if disturbed.
—
Of course, she had to organize her mind first.
☑ - Housecleaning
Deep in the secluded depths of her mind lay a steel vault⁽³⁾ with reinforced door, into which she began to stuff her anger and rage at being used as a social stepping stone. Memories of being splashed in the face with water, and the fire extinguisher followed, then that infernal marble chip cake, the cluttered wagon, the feeling of his clammy lips on hers, and that defaced book. Especially that defaced book. The memories fought her grasp, but she was relentless in her pursuit, wrestling each of them into their prison and slamming the door viciously.
(3) A vault in metaphor only, although if there was a way to do it literally, Twilight would be the one.
—
☑ - Align incoming stimuli with appropriate responses
She sorted through the rest of her memories quickly, pulling up a few of the more helpful books and arranging them on top, stuffed near her verbal response center as to avoid any abrupt impolite reflexes. Pleasant's Guide to Pleasant Conversation was the first and foremost on the list. The day after Princess Celestia had her read the book, she had brought Twilight with her on one of the innumerable Royal Occasions she had been forced to attend. Twilight had taken it as a challenge, because the book claimed that it contained every single response one ever needed to say at a proper formal function. By the end of the night, she had proved them almost⁽⁴⁾ perfectly correct.
(4) Twilight had declined to write the author a note requesting a correction in the next edition because of the low probability any other pony would ever interrupt a social occasion with the cry, “Princess, your phoenix has stolen the Baroness’ wig!”
—
☐ - Survive the Day
A somewhat transcendental feeling much akin to floating filled her mind as she followed Green Grass and his parents around the town on a tutor-driven tour. Her unconscious mind took care of minor tasks like breathing, walking, and reflexive responses to the Baron’s questions. At the same time, her conscious mind took care of important things like keeping her face from knotting up into a vicious snarl while trapping little red flickers of rage as they were generated, and stuffing them into the mental prison with their peers.
It was getting crowded in there, and Twilight was becoming aware of just why the annoying green stallion seemed perfectly happy to live in a wagon instead of at home, in a mansion, with his parents. Nothing in town was acceptable to the two of them: The train station was shabby, the Carousel Boutique was tacky, the dining selections were subpar, their cuisine limited, every single pony in town was rude and the clock tower was five minutes⁽⁵⁾ fast.
(5) Time Turner claimed the clock tower was accurate, but the universe was just running five minutes slow. He was right.
—
Still, the parents annoyed her much less than the Earl of Pine Valley’s daughter, Bee Tress. Claiming that she was so looking forward to the wedding and the ‘nights afterwards, you know what I mean?’ did not bother Twilight as much as the fact she considered herself funnier than the funniest two ponies⁽⁶⁾ on the face of Equestria combined. Which triggered her Laugh.
(6) That would be Mane Cook and Laughing Stock
—
Twilight may not have been able to dance, but she knew how to laugh. There was the girlish giggle, muffled snicker, the embarrassed titter, the whole-hearted laugh, and the belly laugh. Rarity had even tried unsuccessfully to teach her various ladylike laughs, which all just sounded like titters to her ears.
Bee tended to start her Laugh with a deep breath, which triggered an instinctual wince in anypony who had been exposed to her for more than a few minutes. Then came the ‘Hoorach’, a raspy, cough-like spasm that seemed to drive a spike of tenor terror from the ears straight down the spine to the tail. Starting fairly high in her substantial vocal range, around C flat, she would then repeat that horrid sound in a glissando of descending notes, each one nearly a third of an octave apart until all the air had been expelled from her vast lungs at the stentorian bottom range of a note that rattled windows. Only when the victim's brain began to breathe that tiny sigh of relief at the worst being over would she then inhale with a mighty ‘Hhhhheeeeeaaaaahhhhhppp’ and proceed to repeat the process again. And again.
By the time Green Grass and his parents returned to the train station for their trip back to Canterlot, the secure vault she had been packing all of her anger in was starting to metaphorically bulge at the seams, with the creaking of steel under intense pressures. The restraint she had been exercising for what seemed like weeks was cracking under the strain. By the time the train holding the parents and fiancée started chuffing out of the station, she was hanging onto sanity by a thread. Thankfully the tutor remained quiet as the train left, standing under the train station awning after a nervous glance at the clear sky as if he expected a piano to drop on his head for some reason. The two of them waved at the departing train, identical fake smiles on their faces until the train finally vanished around a bend and Green Grass turned to her and said the one thing that snapped her last thread of willpower.
“That wasn’t that bad, was it?”
* * *
Five good friends sat together at an outside table in the fall afternoon sunshine, watching their sixth friend trot along after Green Grass and his family around the town. Very few words were spoken, because close friends have an empathy that is almost telepathic in nature. They just sipped their drinks and watched, wincing once in awhile when a mighty ‘Hoorach’ echoed through the town. Twilight looked far more resigned to her fate than furious, while even Spike had given up following with the fire extinguisher and reluctantly returned it to the library unused.
“Hi guys,” said the little dragon as he trotted up to the table and jumped into a seat. “Twilight still following the hydra around?”
“Spike!” announced Rarity with a sniff. “It’s impolite to call somepony’s fiancée such a rude name.” Another ‘Hoorach’ echoed around the town, and both of the fashionista’s ears flattened against her head until the echoes died. “She doesn’t sound like a hydra at all. Really.”
“It’s still hard to believe he was two-timing Twilight with that trollop,” grumbled Applejack. “A’m half tempted to drag him behind the woodshed and teach him a little ‘friendship lesson’ about dating other ponies while engaged.”
“Oh pl-ease.” Rarity rolled her eyes. “I heard his parents talking while in my boutique. They were quite excited that their youngest son was to wed the daughter of the Earl of Pine Valley. It would be a great social coup for their status among the nobility.”
With a dreamy smile, the fashionista brought one hoof up to her forehead and sighed. “Undoubtedly when our Twilight and the handsome young teacher first met, they immediately saw their fate as two star-crossed lovers in a world not of their own choosing. Him on the run from his overbearing parents attempting to press him into an unwanted marriage of convenience, and her young and innocent mind seduced with the possibility of rescuing the innocent lad from such a horrid fate. Their eyes met, their hearts flared with passion that could not be denied. Unable to escape each other’s embrace, they conspired to put on a show for the entire town to deceive us into thinking they were not in love, while in private, they have been secret lovers since—”
“Hey Rarity?” interrupted Rainbow Dash, throwing a bucket of metaphorical water on the fashionista’s fantasy. “He threw a bucket of water in her face. Twice. And I had to drag a cloud over to fill the fountain because Twilight said that’s where she said she’s sending him next.”
“Well.” Rarity took a sip of her drink. “It was only a theory...”
As the train slowly pulled away from the station, Rainbow Dash gave an exaggerated yawn. “Well, looks like all the fireworks are over. Heck, I was kind of hoping to see how far Twilight could throw the guy. I’ve been ready to go catch him all afternoon, and all they do is walk around. Pathetic. I still have a couple spots in the betting pool if anypony is interested. Still fifty bits.”
“Nope.”
“I’m good.”
“I believe I shall remain with my wager.”
“No, please.”
“How about you, Pinkie? You’ve gotten the closest so far.”
The pink party pony put down her Party Accessories and Artillery catalog with a frown and gasped before diving under the table. “Twitcha twitchy tail! Something’s going to fall out of the sky!”
* * *
The sick knot in the middle of his stomach had ever so slowly begun to unwind as Green Grass escorted his parents and his ‘fiancée’ out of the library and around town. Having Twilight Sparkle at his side was proving to be a gift from the heavens. She was just fantastic, far beyond his wildest expectations, responding to his father’s questions with perfect grace and phrasing as if she were reading out of a textbook. He had butted heads with the solid granite intransigence of the old geezer for his entire life, and all that infuriatingly stubborn resistance just melted like butter in a blowtorch with her presence.
And his mother, who never had anything nice to say about any mare he had ever dated in his life, had actually said out loud, “Nice wide hips for foals.” Not just one word of approval, but five. He had only restrained himself from a scream of happiness by looking at Twilight and her perfectly serene expression. She was taking the situation so well that it was completely catching him off-guard. His first impression of the beautiful mare had been of a scramble-brained, impulsive, antisocial bookworm with anger issues, but then again it was difficult to get a good first impression when you soak somepony with a bucket of water and then run from them in abject terror on the second meeting. A comparison between her and Bee Tress was literally impossible; one he would rather die than spend a week with, the other—
His mind crabbed sideways at the thought, returning to the difficult task of shepherding his parents through town without saying something stupid. It seemed to take forever, and took until they reached the train station before the last twist in his stomach unwound and he could breathe normally again.
Then came the most unexpected event of all. Right before his parents boarded the train with Bee, his father had taken him to one side and whispered in his ear.
“The Earl will be so disappointed when I tell him. Tough. Good work, Son.”
It was as if a ton of lead had been removed from his back, replaced by the need to jump up and down and point at his flank, screaming his joy to the world. He settled for scooting under the train station awning with Twilight just in case Fate had arranged to drop something out of the sky on his head.
The waiting for the train to depart was pure agony. Twilight Sparkle had been so patient, so kind. He owed her dinner every single night for the rest of the time he was going to be in town and a stack of gems the weight of her little dragon. There was literally no way he was ever going to be able to repay her. After all, what could he possibly get the private student of the Princess that she could not get with a single request?
The first thing he was going to do once the train got out of sight was to throw her the biggest party he could possibly afford, or more. No, she could get that from Pinkie Pie anytime she wanted. Buy her a dress? No, with a friend like Rarity, she would never be wanting for clothing. Food was right out because of Applejack’s fantastic cooking, and if she wanted a pet, Fluttershy could probably fill her entire house. That left flinging himself down in the dust and kissing her hooves in gratitude for about a week, which sounded pretty good about now. He turned with a genuine smile the moment the train was out of sight and tried to sound casual.
“That wasn’t that bad, was it?”
Déjà vu. A violet aura wrapped around him like a vice and yanked him straight up into the air, making his vision of Twilight Sparkle seem as if she were under a fluorescent party light.
It looked to be a short party.
“You spineless little worm,” she hissed, her streaked mane hovering around her head in an electrified cloud. “You used me. You’re too cowardly to face up to your own parents. Now they’re going back to my home city where they will tell everypony in town that their little darling is a… I don’t know! You are never going to take advantage of me again, do you hear me?! I said do you hear me?!”
The world seemed to be shaking around as Green Grass was rattled around inside the magical bubble, flailing back and forth while the light built to a blinding purple glare that seemed to go right through the eyes and into the back of the head. Finally, with an ear-splitting crack of imploding air, he vanished—
—to reappear high above the Ponyville fountain.
Green Grass dragged himself to the edge of the fountain and spat out a goldfish. “At least it’s not the moon.”
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Awwwesome.
Ahhhhhhhhhh
Ok, this may get crazy
"gets in bunker"
Twilight's bright red thoughts are kinda harsh.
OP Twilight is best Twilight, and this may be the most wonderfully OP Twilight I may have ever seen.
Ouch, and she did so well, too. Nice work on the parents, though.
Holy mother of god, he isn't dead!
Mane Cook isn't funny. Also, whew, Grassy dodged a bullet.
Greengrass, believe me, before this caper is up, you'll be begging for the sweet release of explosive decompression. If nothing else, Applejack has such a firm hold of the wrong end of the stick that Green Grass will be lucky not to end up in the Las Pegasus Five-Minute Marriage Ceremonies Chapel with Twilight whilst AJ and Big Mac hover in the background with pump-actions trained on his back.
Furthermore, you aren't on fire. That was restraint right there.
I do like the idea of Twilight having a hair-trigger tempered pyromaniac buried in there somewhere. She is best Rapidash, after all.
Looking forward to more, especially what collateral damage Twilight will cause now that the vault door's been blown off its hinges.
There is an old Actor saying that goes something like this. "Dying is easy. Comedy is hard." I think it goes for writing as well. Finding a story that makes me laugh out loud or bust a gut makes my day. Well done, and keep up the good work.
This. I just love this.
Ahhh, this story is wonderfully humorous, I have quite enjoyed it thus far, and Twilight's internal monologue was gold!
Hah, Time Turner. That footnote was so Hitchhiker's Guide
I love the way you played with different perspectives in this chapter. Really well done
One small remark: "humane" is an odd word to see in a pony fic. Though I know it's nearly impossible to ponify...
For some reason, when Applejack said : “It’s still hard to believe he was two-timing Twilight with that trollop,” grumbled Applejack. “A’m half tempted to drag him behind the woodshed and teach him a little ‘friendship lesson’ about dating other ponies while engaged.”
I felt that there whould be an ax in her "lesson".
So Bee Tress laughs like Sybil Fawlty then? Errrgghhhhh....
Moon! Moon! One piece at a time!
.........i loved this
So that was the best way to handle that chapter. But I really feel bad for Twilight, though. I mean, she had this extreme hatred of being used thanks to a life of people always wanting to use her, and it truly has affected her to the point of . . . well, what happened.
I think that Green Grass would be good for her to finally, you know, live life. She is too wound up.
1812177 I suspect that is a Ranma 1/2 reference lol
LIES. If Violence isn't solving all of your problems for you, you simply aren't using enough of it! >:[
5778692 Ah, Schlock Mercenary Maxim #6 : If violence wasn’t your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it.
2184319
I use "equine" in my stories, but that's just me. You'd be surprised at how many words need a MLP equivalent just because there are no humans (so far) in canon.
3876214
I was rereading this, and this line popped out at me:
I just skimmed back, and so far, Twilight hasn't actually dumped Green Grass in the fountain by the point Rainbow Dash says that, as far as I can tell.
5857172 Yeah, I've been meaning to fix that forever. I did just now.
*BZZZT!* Wrong! The correct answer to the question "What do you say to the beautiful mare who saved you from an arranged nightmare?" is "Thank you so very much!" Followed closely by, "I'll never be able to repay your kindness!"
Having read most of the comments, I find it nearly sickening that i seem to be the only person who is beyond disgusted that forced marriages are legal in ANY way, shape, or form. Might as well be slavery. Fuck them all.
called it she is a bimbo
Congratulations you win the bad pun of the month award.
8812335
There is a huge difference between an arranged marriage and a forced marriage. It is made very clear that Green Grass's biggest problem is a refusal to confront his parents and tell them flat out 'no' I'm not going to do this.
8812335 Agreed. 'Arranged Disaster' made me sick to my stomach.
9479642 At the cost of alienating himself from his family, possibly permanently. Which is easier said than done. Besides Celestia wrote the law.
Beatrice? Just put her in a box and send to an enemy country.
9479642
I believe it was covered within the last two chapters that he cannot, by whatever insane law Celestia passed, deny the will of his parents. So he's being forced into marriage.
i.redd.it/1qkkq25ofvs41.jpg
Rebellion against the crown? From Twilight? Just one shocker after another with this story!
And he could probably quote you chapter and verse on exactly w
hat battle in the Last Great Time War was the cause of that, given he wrote the book on it. In another lifetime, of course.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/12/14/785005.gif
I can hardly believe I’m the first one to make this comment. Or that I didn’t make it on my first read-through. But apparently, I didn’t, so here it is now.
You be quiet. He doesn’t have to fry you now.
He does so have to fry me now! I demand you fry me now!
10352989 It certainly is Tutor Season here.
10261821 "6. If violence wasn’t your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it." - Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
10084104 It is, I believe, a very practical 'Celestia-type' law. It penalizes the young noblestallions who fool around, while preventing the fool-around-ees from winding up penniless and destitute with a foal to raise. In addition it prevents some family from tricking their way into a marriage with a more powerful family by having one of their daughters seduce an unwary noblestallion of higher rank. If both mare and groom act like reasonable adults and don't fool around before marriage, everything is fine. On the other hoof, if two young hormone-soaked teachers get too involved with teaching each other about the birds and the bees, it can result in a rather awkward confrontation several months later. (Spoilers)
Clearly before she met Philomena. Pleasant must be very familiar with her.
To be fair, there are only two things not tacky about Rarity. Her friends (I use that term loosely) and Sweetie Belle.
Extra word there.
11495900 Typos are eternal. Thanks. Killed it so another will spawn somewhere in the document.