Twilight is set up on a date by Rarity, who has found a stallion who she thinks would be best for her. However, Twilight's mind starts to wonder about the mystery stallion. Before she has time to finish her thoughts, though, the stallion comes by to start the date. How will it go? Will Twilight ruin this date or will things go as planned?
This is my first foray into fan fiction, so I chose some thing suggested.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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It was a good story, but not gripping in the least. I didn't mind reading this chapter, but it's not... entertaining enough to be hooking. For me, at least. Also, you might want to break up your paragraphs slightly and put an extra line between the existing ones. Not a bad first attempt though.
I must say I am hooked. I will be watching this and you.
@sierra Thank you for the feedback. i will admit that in this one, I didn't create much of a hook, though this was first and foremost supposed to be an exercise. If you have any further suggestions, I would be happy if you PMed me on them.
@Joy glad you liked it. I'll get out more when I can.
It took me a while to figure out what was bothering me about this. Your Twilight characterization is good, a little too good. I was just trapped in the mind of an over-analyzing unicorn for over a 1000 words
. I have no doubt this is the appropriate train of thought she would take. But...accuracy is boring.... sorry.
I have read plenty of fanfics where the above scene is condensed quite a bit and includes more nervous actions, crazier lines of thought, comments from others "not to be nervous"
, and (more detailed) flashbacks to how she got in the situation. As you labeled the story a comedy I would expect a lot more of the previously listed devices to setup jokes. As this chapter stands, alone, the comedy tag isn't very deserved.
As far as grammar and spelling and what not I agree with sierra_seven_ that additional spaces are needed between paragraphs. Nothing else made me cringe just by reading; I wanted to read the "story" first, not the words.
I have more specific critiques if you request them
I actually rather enjoyed this. As someone said before me, the Twilight characterization is spot-on. I find that sometimes people flanderize Twilight; in my experience, she does not flip out over every little thing, but she does seem to freak out the most when she feels the most is on the line. As dating doesn't seem all that important to her, it stands to reason that while she would like to be well prepared(as she is for most things), it would be an unlikely source of insanity for her. The internal monologue is a little word-heavy at times, but so is Twilight.
In terms of formatting, I don't quite understand the prevailing opinion on this site that every paragraph break needs a double space. The legibility here was excellent with a single space, and in professional publishing there are no spaces.
All that being said, I would love to see where this goes and am looking forward to the next installment.