<

shirotora

Joined March 2012
640 followers

Stories (4)

  • Into the Black: A Mare's Tale
    Twilight is flung into the farthest reaches of the galaxy

    132,067 words · 12,996 views · 1,605 likes · 78 dislikes
  • Chaotic Harmony
    A new friend teaches the girls what true chaos is
    186,877 words · 6,118 views · 574 likes · 69 dislikes
  • Children of Chaos
    Razor Wind and his friends are sent through time to a much darker Equestria
    29,712 words · 541 views · 109 likes · 15 dislikes
  • An Unexpected Visit
    A man's life is interupted
    1,017 words · 878 views · 42 likes · 6 dislikes

Blog Posts (55)


It had been one year since Twilight Sparkle vanished in the battle against the evil unicorn Xander, and her friends were still trying to overcome the grief of losing her. On the anniversary of her presumed death, her friends gather at her memorial. What was suppose to be a day of remembrance was shattered by a strange metal object that landed right beside them. Their anger quickly turns to shock as a familiar unicorn emerges... and boy does she have a story to tell.

Rated Teen for violence, language, and sexual content. Rating and tags may change in future chapters.

This is not a Halo fic. It IS however loosely inspired by Halo as well as Star Wars, Mass Effect and several other sci-fi movies, books, and games.

Edited by Jack-Pony, HuskSummers, Coldwall, and sadron

Cover art by Sonic Rain

First Published
30th Nov 2012
Last Modified
16th May 2014

Comments ( 5,131 )

#1 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · 10 · ·

I'M GOING TO READ THE SH:yay:T OUT OF THIS!

#2 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

Moar required...for SCIENCE

#3 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · 1 · ·

I JUST READ THE SH:yay:T OUT OF THIS! And I like where this is going:ajsmug:

#4 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

GREAT! oops caps.. lol :derpytongue2: Now i have more stuff in my favorites! :pinkiehappy:

#5 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

Seal of approval.

#6 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

I am pretty sure that this exact concept is already being made.

Seriously the exact same.

Twilight dissappearing, everyon-....

Oh.

Well if you approve it.

#7 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

>>1713652 Yeah, Gyvon has a very similar story. His is based on the Halo universe, though, while mine is an original universe. The beginnings are similar, but they diverge greatly after a few chapters.

>>1713462>>1713470>>1713479>>1713489 Thanks for the support

#9 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

Reminds me of On the Wings of Angels. Favving and tracking! :pinkiehappy:

#10 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

Dammit now i feel even worse for putting OHoaT on hiatus, now that you've posted this :fluttercry:

#11 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

Quite good, but I noticed a few grammar mistakes (which isn't good, considering that I am dyspraxic so I should be unable to notice them in the first place).

Firstly, theres a couple of sentances in there which should end in question marks, not full stops.

The second thing is quite big.

When you write dialogue, you tend to end the sentance with a full stop. This is wrong, you are supposed to end it in a comma.

for example:

“I'm home.” She said

“I'm home,” she said

You can learn more here.

Heck, just read the whole document. Helped me out loads.

Otherwise, great story, can't wait to see more.

#12 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

>>1713869 Thanks for the advice. I'll check that out.

>>1713698 That's my reaction to how well it's doing already

>>1713825 You should feel bad. Shame on you, you made Fluttershy cry:fluttercry:

#13 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

>>1713897

Glad to help.

#14 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

>>1713897 I feel bad enough as it is, no need to put me down more man:fluttershbad:

#15 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

>>1713952 I'm sorry:ajsleepy: have a happyshy:yay:

#16 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

>>1714034 :twilightsmile: It's all good. Kinda annoying though, I really want to write for the fic, but I can never get motivated enough. It sucks.

#17 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

>>1713652 As one of Shirotora's proof-readers, and a fan of Gyvon's story too, I can say that this very swiftly diverges into something unique...

#18 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

>>1713652

I actually pre-read the first few chapters.

#19 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

I like it so far. :rainbowdetermined2:

Just a friendly tip, when you write something like this:

“In memory of Twilight Sparkle, Faithful friend, loving sister, devoted student and a courageous protector. She gave her life so Equestria could live”.

Put it in italics and start a new line so that it reads something like this:

“In memory of Twilight Sparkle, Faithful friend, loving sister, devoted student and a courageous protector. She gave her life so Equestria could live”.

Makes the imagery of the scene pop out more at the reader.

Keep it up! :yay:

#20 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

is there a story i have to read before i read this one to get some things? or is that evil unicorn part of the story and will be explained later in this story?

#21 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

I really love this story, and I can't wait for the next few chapters to go up. I'll enjoy reading them...again...

:pinkiehappy:

#22 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

I like the story so far; I'm a total sucker for this sort of thing.

But... the punctuation errors made my brain cry. :fluttershbad:

#23 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

So is this a side story to Chaotic Harmony?

#24 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

MOAR!

#25 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

>>1714258 More on him later.

>>1714656 No. This is a different story

#26 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

>>1714890

just figured it out. your reply came just after i finished the chapter, and i must say, im really looking forward to the next chapter, and the one after that, and the one after that, and the one after that and the on- *two days later* -that, and the one after that. it looks liem this story is going to be fucking amazing

rarity and celestia: molten, language!

me: sorry you two.

#27 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

Pretty good so far, reminds me of On the Wings of Angels.

#28 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 5d ago · · ·

I actually enjoyed this quite a bit.  However, there is one thing nagging at me, and it just might be me, but your pacing is ever so slightly off.  I just felt that you could have gone into a bit more detail in certain areas.  Kinda like when Twilight arrives, that moment felt a bit rushed.  It's not bad per say, but it would really benefit the story if you took a bit more time on slow paced scenes like that.

#29 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 5d ago · · ·

Great start, but it feels rushed. Nevertheless, I'm tracking this story!

#30 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 5d ago · · ·

does it look like a cross between the Normandy SR-2 and a real battleaxe?

#31 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1716270>>1716390 Yeah, I thought so to, but every other way I tried it felt too drawn out.

>>1716556 I'm having cover art done that features thr ship.

#32 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 5d ago · · ·

This is my favorite way of introducing ponies to humans. Twilight gets ripped from Equestria and ends up with some cantankerous soldiers.

#33 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1714890, what I meant was, has this Twi met Shiro.

#34 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1718668 No, this is a totally different universe, and completely unrelated to Chaotic Harmony.

#35 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 5d ago · · ·

Okay,>>1718706, just needed to be sure. Will you make a sequel to Chaotic Harmony?

#36 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1718721 Yes. I have this and one more story planned before that, but I will make it.

#37 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1718726, blog post for the followers? So they know it will happen.

:fluttershysad:If that's okay with you.

#38 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1718740 I mentioned it in one of the chapters, but I'll also post a preview when I get the prelude finished.

#39 · Chapter 2 · 90w, 5d ago · · ·

:yay:

#40 · Chapter 2 · 90w, 5d ago · · ·

This... is... AMAZING!

“Oh god, that's adorable.” Fawned Curt.
after hearing this, I knew from now to the end, Curt will be my favourite.

#41 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 5d ago · · ·

Sounds alot like On the Wings of Angels. Oh well. Beggars can't be choosers. Giving it a read.

#42 · Chapter 2 · 90w, 5d ago · · ·

"Equish", is it? Clever jump from Equestrian.

meh
#43 · Chapter 2 · 90w, 5d ago · · ·

same general thing as on the wings of angels but still good. just hope this gets updated slightly more often than it does tho...

just a little tip, the conversation when twilight is first found by the humans sounds a bit mechanical and rushed.

aka. if ur pinned down in a firefight you normally wouldn't get into a long conversation like that.

#44 · Chapter 2 · 90w, 5d ago · · ·

I haven't read it yet, but is this like a sequel of something?

#45 · Chapter 2 · 90w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1718988 Thanks:twilightsmile:

>>1719012 I kinda like Curt, too:yay:

>>1719032 That changes quickly:pinkiehappy:

>>1719137 They weren't in a fire fight. The sniper turret surprised them.

>>1719207 Nope.

#47 · Chapter 2 · 90w, 5d ago · · ·

Excellent stuff my good man, please proceed to create moar.

#48 · Chapter 2 · 90w, 5d ago · · ·

I really like this, I really do but- GAH!  You are still doing it!  Your spacing is still off!  And right of the bat too!

When her sight returned she found herself in some kind of ruins. It looked like it was once a city like Manehattan. As she groggily examined her surroundings, she saw a strange looking object.

See this?  This is your setting.  You need to describe it.  Saying it was like Manehattan doesn't cut it.  It gives us a general idea of what it may look like, but some of us haven't really been to a city like New York to really make the connection.  You need to describe the city itself; the buildings, the streets, the conditions they are in.  So they are a ruin, but what kind of ruin?  Does it look abandoned and eroded?  Or does it look purposely destroyed?  As I've said before to other people, you are painting a picture with words, you cannot afford to color the characters and leave the background blank.

Another thing you could work on is on the conversations.  As it stands right now Twilight, Seth and Court are standing in the middle of a battlefield just talking.  As someone above me mentioned, it feels mechanical at times.  It also screams info dump.  You could really make them a lot better by better describing their actions, their expressions.  Right now they just stand there, have Curt pace around, look around.  They are in an active battlefield, it's only normal that they'd be skittish.  Also, some of the information could really be left out for further a later point.  You don't have to drop the entire lore on us in a few paragraphs, or even one chapter.  You'd be better off by dropping tidbits as the story progresses.

Last but not least is your grammar.  It's not bad; you still end quotes with periods where commas should be, but at least you are improving.  Also,

“AHHH! IT HURTS, SWEET CELESTIA IT HURTS!!!” She wailed.

Don't do that.  It's poor form.  Refrain from using caps lock at all if possible.  And you are supposed to use one exclamation mark at a time.  I understand that she's in pain and being loud about it, but the "wailed" part is supposed to clue us in.

Other than that, this story is rather solid with lots of potential.  If I may, I would like to offer you my help.  I can help you with the pacing, as well as those little grammar things.  I really want to see this story accomplish its true potential, and I feel like you only need a bit of help with that.

Best regards,

Coldwall.

#49 · Chapter 2 · 90w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1719329 Sure. I can send you what I have If you'd like.

#50 · Chapter 2 · 90w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1719360

Sure.  I'd love to help.

Do you have a Gdocs account?  Because they have some pretty neat editing features.

0 66766 562458
Login or register to comment