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  • T Chaotic Harmony

    A new friend teaches the girls what true chaos is
    186,877 words · 6,265 views  ·  586  ·  70
  • T Children of Chaos

    Razor Wind and his friends are sent through time to a much darker Equestria
    29,712 words · 576 views  ·  113  ·  15 · sex
  • E An Unexpected Visit

    A man's life is interupted
    1,017 words · 904 views  ·  42  ·  6

Blog Posts57

  • Today
    Chaosverse story

    So, in case you haven't noticed, work on Children of Chaos has ground to a halt. I know where I want it to go, but I just can't get it there. That being said, I did have an idea for a more episodic story that would take place between Chaotic Harmony and Children of Chaos. It's loosely inspired by The Sweetie Chronicles and would feature Shiro and Jynx traveling the multiverse for a reason I have yet to really decide on (but ultimately is just an excuse to send them to other story universes :trollestia:). So, would you rather just wait until I get out of this rut I'm in with Children, or would you like some inter-dimentional hijinks to hold you over until then?

    1 comments · 10 views
  • 5w, 5h
    Destiny and A Question About the ItB Bonus Chapters

    So, I've been on a major Destiny binge. Anyone have it on PS3? I'm looking for people for raid teams.

    Also, does anyone have an idea for a 'what if' chapter for Into the Black? If so, write it out and I'll post it. This can be an opportunity to get recognition and readers of your own. Obviously, I'll give credit and a link to your user page.

    22 comments · 133 views
  • 8w, 4d
    The most epic movie scene edit ever!

    I want to see all three movies redone like this

    1 comments · 103 views
  • 13w, 4d
    A New Challenger Aproaches

    So, a friend of mine, Sadron, has been working on his very first story. I've been trying to help him, but he's been rather worried that it won't be well received. It's a cross-over of Final Fantasy XIV, but you don't have to know anything about that to follow it. It begins days after the end of season 4 and is NOT AU (with the exception of two moons). On the Final Fantasy side, it mostly follows canon there as well, with Equestria being separated for thousands of years until Bahamut's attack. So take a look and let him know he's good. Here's a part of the prelude. If you like it, follow him.


    A Realm Rejoined

    Prelude: Meteor

    Ah, Equestria. A prosperous sovereignty in a small corner of the world. For countless generations, Equestria has been under the benevolent rule of their princess, Celestia, daughter of the Sun and matron to all ponies under her reign.

    Her rule had not always been a monarchy, however. Just over a thousand years ago, Celestia ruled all of Equestria alongside her sister and co-ruler, Princess Luna, daughter of the Moon, and ruler of the night sky. They were an inseparable pair, always willing to hear the other’s thoughts on any matter big or small, personal or for their kingdom.

    Yet they were never equal in the eyes of their subjects. Celestia ruled the day, and as such was the focal point of any pony’s given work day. They gave thanks to her radiant sun, and praised her warmth and light. When it came time for the sun to set, and the two moons to rise, most ponies had retired to their bedrooms. Nopony seemed at all interested with the celestial tapestry that Luna wove each night, the veritable sea of lights that graced the night sky alongside the great celestial bodies Great Mare and Little Mare, its lesser sibling. No matter how much effort she put into making her night sky as beautiful as possible, with all of the nebulae, stardust and magic of the cosmos at her disposal, the ponies of Equestria would instead prefer to bask in the warmth of her sister’s sun, and shun the very night sky she worked so hard to paint for her subjects, of whom she loved just as much as her sister.

    In time, the continued rejection of her subjects in lieu of her sister’s unanimous praise caused pent up feelings of bitter jealousy to formulate inside of Princess Luna. Many a night she would stay awake, staring into the sky, her eyes transfixed upon the sibling Mares. There would be dinners between the two sisters where Luna would occasionally mumble to herself, Celestia only able to pick up the most audible of her faint words. Though most of her ramblings seemed nonsensical at best, the word Him always permeated within them.

    Indeed, as the days and months went by, Luna would slip further and further into her reclusive depression. Some days, she would not even come out of her bedroom, transfixed upon her night sky and the sibling Mares. A dark pit had formed in her heart, and slowly the fingers of madness clawed their way into her very being.

    And one day, as she held court for her ponies, Celestia was interrupted by the sight and sound of her sister cackling, a corrosive red darkness seething within her soul. As the court evacuated in a panic, the sisters thus joined in battle, in what would later in history be known as the Nightmare Moon incident. Even young foals knew of how Princess Celestia used the legendary Elements of Harmony to banish her corrupted sister Luna to the Greater Mare, starting her thousand year exile.

    And yet as the years became decades, and the decades became centuries, the tale of Nightmare Moon bent and shifted. Many would look to the sky, the visage of Mare in the Moon practically carved into the very face of it, and to its small companion, and would wonder if perhaps the real Luna was kept safely within it from the corrupt influence of the banished Nightmare Moon. They would look, and hope that one day she might be returned to them, they who had not realized what they’d lost until it was gone.

    One thousand years later, on the eve of Nightmare Moon’s banishment, six young mares were fated to meet, and conquer the darkness her return would bring. Having come together under the common banner of friendship, the fledgeling friends confronted the returned terror; and through sheer force of will, they summoned the Elements of Harmony, channeling its power into Nightmare Moon. In one fell swoop, they purged the corruption from the abomination, and returned Princess Luna to sanity, and into the waiting hooves of her beloved sister Celestia. And yet all this time, the Little Mare remained unchanged, like a silent watcher in the heavens despite all that had transpired.

    As time went on, the six friends, Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Applejack, strengthened their bonds together through countless adventures and trials. It felt as though naught but life itself could ever hope to break the bonds of friendship these six companions had forged. No matter what challenge they faced, they would overcome it, together.

    Then, one day, the Little Mare turned red…

    It was an overcast day, a large storm having just been spent over the rural town of Ponyville. The gloom, however, was not to last as a streak of color tore a hole through the vaporous cover, letting the evening sun shine through.

    As the weather teams worked with cleaning up the cloud cover, shop owners began closing for the day, the setting evening sun warming their faces as they prepared for the journey home after a hard day's work. Everywhere in Ponyville, things were starting to wind down for the day. Even within the crystalline spires of the palace itself ponies were preparing to return to their families.

    It was a testament to the strength of the residents. Not even a week ago, the town was besieged by a wicked, magic stealing sorcerer. In spite of that, the town was well on its way to recovery. Most of the wrecked homes were rebuilt, and the local businesses were welcoming customers once again.

    Not everyone was winding down for the day however. Soft hooffalls echoed in the dimming hallways of Ponyville’s new castle, Harmony Hall, as Twilight and Luna toured the newly conjured halls of the royal dwelling. They had been too busy with the recovery efforts to properly explore the glistening tree-castle before. Now, though, with things well on their way, they decided to rectify that while Luna took the opportunity to give her fellow princess some advice.

    “And of course, one of the most important things to remember is to find a way to vent stress,” Luna said as the former unicorn took notes. “Unfortunately, we no longer keep companion stallions, so you will have to find something else.”

    “Companion stallions? Really?” Twilight said in an unbelieving tone.

    “Tia and I are still mares, after all.”

    Twilight’s face flushed in slight embarrassment. “Well yes, but I never thought you two would…”

    “Would what?” Luna asked playfully. “Enjoy the more... carnal pleasures of life? Twilight, we are not the goddesses our subjects believe us to be. We do all the things that any mortal pony does. You should smell the bathroom after Tia finishes the morning after we have tacos.”

    “I don’t need to know these things!” Twilight nearly shrieked.

    “Trust me, you’ll thank me for the warning one day.”

    “You’re about six years late with that one,” Twilight groaned.

    “Oh, you poor thing.” Luna teased.

    The two mares shared in a hearty, much needed laugh. After the two calmed down and wiped their eyes of tears, Twilight said, “Thanks again, Luna. You know, for helping me get settled in and the advice you’ve given me. Not to mention the books. I just wish I could have saved some of them. Years of birthday presents lost in an instant... I should have kicked him a few more times.”

    “What matters is he is dealt with, and the crisis has been averted. You must focus on moving on from here now,” replied Luna.

    Twilight released a sigh. “I know. It’s just such a shame. I have so many fond memories of my library. It’s where my friends and I started on our first great adventure.”

    “Then keep those memories in your heart, but don’t dwell in the past. Make new memories here. Ones of which you will be just as fond... perhaps more so.”

    The two mares settled into a comfortable silence. The silence, though, had to be broken by the necessity of duty.

    “Come, Twilight,” Luna said. “It is time for me to raise the moons.”

    Twilight groaned. “I don’t know how you do that so easily. I had to lower them one at a time, and I could barely do that.”

    Luna giggled, “I have had a few millennia to practice.” The lunar princess adopted a thoughtful expression for a moment. “You know. There may be a time when I am once again unable to perform my duties. Why don’t I show you how to do it?”

    She took the high pitch squee as a yes.

    Luna giggled. “I thought you would be pleased. Come.”

    Luna guided her companion through the gilded halls to an observation room with a large balcony they had discovered earlier. Twilight could practically see the great telescope she planned on installing, a bit of drool pooling at the corner of her lip at the thought. Luckily, she caught it before Luna saw, wiping it away.

    “Now watch closely, Twilight, and take note. It is difficult at first, but in time you will find that it is no different than lifting any other object with your magic. It merely uses more energy, considering their size and mass. This is why, long before my birth, unicorns created a kind of track, like a train, that the moons move along. This helps alleviate the strain.”

    Twilight had already taken out a piece of parchment and quill at the start of Luna’s lesson, jotting down notes in earnest.

    “Also,” Luna continued, “do not force it. The truth is, the moons are already moving. You simply give them a nudge to speed them up.”

    Twilight eagerly opened the glass windowed doors to her balcony as Luna readied to raise the moons. The warm summer evening breeze caressed their faces as Celestia’s sun began to dip below the horizon.

    “This is the first time I’ve ever seen you raise the moons in private,” Twilight realized.

    Luna’s horn lit up as an idea formed. “Twilight, I’ll raise Big Mare, and then I want you to raise Little Mare.”

    Twilight sputtered, eyes wide and sparkling with excitement as she tried to form a coherent sentence.

    Luna laughed. “You have done this before, remember.”

    “Y-yes, but that was out of necessity. You and Celestia gave me your power, so I had to. Taking one of your moons when you’re perfectly capable... It’s an honor.” Twilight blushed.

    Luna simply chuckled. “Twilight Sparkle, you are an Alicorn Princess now, and the Element of Magic at that. I think you are more than capable of handling one of my moons.”

    Twilight nervously nodded before taking up position next to Luna. As she concentrated on the horizon she could feel both of the moons waiting for their turn to illuminate the evening sky.

    “Now, do what I do,” Luna instructed. “Remember, do not force it. Simply coax it out, into the sky.”

    Both alicorns’ horns began to glow as they focused on their targets just out of sight of the world below them. Twilight felt herself ‘grip’ the Little Mare as both worked their magic to bring the Great and Little Mares into the Ponyville skyline.

    Okay Twilight, you can do this, Twilight thought, trying to hype herself up. I mean you’ve done it before right? Just use your magic and gently push it into the sky…

    Twilight’s grip tightened as she very carefully pushed the Little Mare alongside the Great Mare, the latter under Luna’s noticeably more experienced care. Pride began boiling up as she felt the celestial body rising. As her confidence grew, Twilight began to feel the strain of moving the Little Mare ease with every second. Slowly and steadily, the two Moons rose in the sky, as Celestia's sun dipped below the horizon to rest for the night.

    As the moons nestled into place, Twilight let out a relieved sigh followed by an excited squee. “I did it! I actually moved one of your moons! I didn’t even cause it to go flying across the sky this time either!”

    “You have done well, Twilight,” Luna said with a warm smile. “Perhaps tomorrow... What is that sound?”

    A murmuring rose up from town, sounding of confusion and fear. The alicorns looked down to see the townsponies gathering in the streets, looking to the sky. Both princesses turned their gaze back to the sky and Twilight let out a small gasp as she saw what was causing the townsponies to gather. The Great Mare stood in the sky, perfectly fine, but the Little Mare was glowing an angry orange-red, as if it were a massive ember belched from the depths of Tartarus.

    Twilight immediately began to slip into panic mode. "Oh no... Oh-no-oh-no-oh-no what did I do? Did something go wrong?"

    “Be calm, Twilight Sparkle,” Luna said, firmly.

    “How can I be calm? I just broke a moon!” Twilight’s hoof shot toward the frightening orb, as if Luna hadn’t noticed.

    “What has happened is through no fault of your own. I know not what is happening, but even I could not cause this. It should not be possible. Even Discord needed illusions to toy with the sun and moons as he did.” Luna looked warily at the Little Mare. “Whatever sorcery this is, it is not of your doing, but I do fear it to be a bad omen.”

    “Wh-what do you mean ‘a bad omen’?” Twilight asked, looking worriedly at the more experienced alicorn.

    “I am unsure,” Luna pondered for a moment before speaking. “I am afraid I do not know enough. Twilight, see if you can keep the townsponies calm. I must seek my sister’s council on this.”

    Twilight wanted to protest. She wanted Luna to remain, but knew it was for the best she leave. “Okay. I’ll see what I can do.”

    “I shall return, Twilight Sparkle.” In a flash, the lunar princess was gone.

    Twilight gave one last anxious look at the angry red Little Mare before sighing and making her way down from the castle balcony and into Ponyville proper. Something told her that she would not be getting much sleep that evening.

    The atmosphere in Canterlot was quiet but tense as Luna returned from her visit with Twilight. It did not take her long to find where Celestia was, standing on her bedroom tower’s balcony unmoving, her gaze transfixed upon the red glow of the lesser moon in quiet contemplation.

    “Sister! We would speak with you!” Luna called out urgently, quickly striding up beside Celestia.

    “I take it this isn’t your doing?” Celestia said, her tone calm, yet serious. “Any theories?”

    “None.” Luna stated with growing concern. “Celestia… this is something big. I know not what it means, nor what it even is, but for the Little Mare to just… suddenly be red, with no traceable cause... It… frightens me. It is an unknown, something of which I have no answer for, no theories, no hint of any known magic within our purview of the world. It is… other.”

    “If only we had the Elements... No, they were a crutch. We mustn’t become reliant on any one means of defence.” Celestia paced along her balcony, speaking more to herself than Luna.

    "Defense?” Luna’s eyes widened at the implications. “Surely you don't think this is some form of attack upon us?"

    “The possibility cannot be ignored. This could be an attack, or it could be swamp gas. Until we know more, we cannot afford to deny any theory.” Celestia looked back at Luna resolutely.

    Luna’s brows furrowed in thought. “I assume you will be asking Twilight to do some research.”

    Celestia gave a slight smile. “She would never forgive me if I didn’t.”

    6 comments · 154 views
  • 14w, 6d
    Tragedy, or Conspiracy?

    I've heard several conspiracy theories about the government. Most are made by stupid people looking for anything they can to prove some ridiculous plot to take over the world. I've had people try to tell me that the most greedy, power hungry people in the world can somehow work together, despite their vastly differing goals, to undermine people in the most pointless, ridiculous ways.

    That being said, I know our government (and not just the US government) is full of corrupt, power hungry ass holes that only want more power. Now, I'm what I like to call, a 'realistic skeptic'. I'm not above believing anything, so long as you provide some kind of evidence. Also, I'm also someone that acknowledges the possibility of being wrong.

    That being said, I honestly believe the US government's constant attempts at removing the 2nd amendment is a long term plan to take power from the people. The 2nd amendment's purpose is to make the government think twice about making decisions that aren't in the nation's best interest. After all, would you screw over a bunch of people armed to the teeth?

    I've recently watched a video pertaining to the Sandy Hooks shootings that has brought to light several possible issues that, if true, show a level of inhuman corruption that should be considered traitorous to this nation. You can find the video here:

    Now, I'm not saying the Sandy Hook shooting was a government conspiracy, but I'm not dismissing the possibility either. Something like this required an open mind and a willingness to look at all perspectives. A part of me hopes it's not true, because a government willing to go that far to get what it wants is without hope, while another part of me hopes it is true, because that would mean those children didn't die. Truth be told, no matter which is true, it's a tragedy.

    I would like to hear your opinion on the subject. This being a rather sensitive matter, I ask you to keep any discussion civil. I WILL NOT TOLERATE any childish, or insulting comments. The first time, you'll be warned and you comment deleted. Twice, you'll be blocked. A subject like this should be treated with care and respect.

    7 comments · 116 views
  • ...

It had been one year since Twilight Sparkle vanished in the battle against the evil unicorn Xander, and her friends were still trying to overcome the grief of losing her. On the anniversary of her presumed death, her friends gather at her memorial. What was suppose to be a day of remembrance was shattered by a strange metal object that landed right beside them. Their anger quickly turns to shock as a familiar unicorn emerges... and boy does she have a story to tell.

Rated Teen for violence, language, and sexual content. Rating and tags may change in future chapters.

This is not a Halo fic. It IS however loosely inspired by Halo as well as Star Wars, Mass Effect and several other sci-fi movies, books, and games.

Edited by Jack-Pony, HuskSummers, Coldwall, and sadron

Cover art by Sonic Rain

First Published
30th Nov 2012
Last Modified
6th Oct 2014
#1 · 98w, 3d ago · 11 · · Prelude: Memorial ·


#2 · 98w, 3d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

Moar required...for SCIENCE

#3 · 98w, 3d ago · 1 · · Prelude: Memorial ·

I JUST READ THE SH:yay:T OUT OF THIS! And I like where this is going:ajsmug:

#4 · 98w, 3d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

GREAT! oops caps.. lol :derpytongue2: Now i have more stuff in my favorites! :pinkiehappy:

#5 · 98w, 3d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

Seal of approval.

#6 · 98w, 3d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

I am pretty sure that this exact concept is already being made.

Seriously the exact same.

Twilight dissappearing, everyon-....


Well if you approve it.

#7 · 98w, 3d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

>>1713652 Yeah, Gyvon has a very similar story. His is based on the Halo universe, though, while mine is an original universe. The beginnings are similar, but they diverge greatly after a few chapters.

>>1713462>>1713470>>1713479>>1713489 Thanks for the support

#9 · 98w, 3d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

Reminds me of On the Wings of Angels. Favving and tracking! :pinkiehappy:

#10 · 98w, 3d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

Dammit now i feel even worse for putting OHoaT on hiatus, now that you've posted this :fluttercry:

#11 · 98w, 3d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

Quite good, but I noticed a few grammar mistakes (which isn't good, considering that I am dyspraxic so I should be unable to notice them in the first place).

Firstly, theres a couple of sentances in there which should end in question marks, not full stops.

The second thing is quite big.

When you write dialogue, you tend to end the sentance with a full stop. This is wrong, you are supposed to end it in a comma.

for example:

“I'm home.” She said

“I'm home,” she said

You can learn more here.

Heck, just read the whole document. Helped me out loads.

Otherwise, great story, can't wait to see more.

#12 · 98w, 3d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

>>1713869 Thanks for the advice. I'll check that out.

>>1713698 That's my reaction to how well it's doing already

>>1713825 You should feel bad. Shame on you, you made Fluttershy cry:fluttercry:

#13 · 98w, 3d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·


Glad to help.

#14 · 98w, 3d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

>>1713897 I feel bad enough as it is, no need to put me down more man:fluttershbad:

#15 · 98w, 3d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

>>1713952 I'm sorry:ajsleepy: have a happyshy:yay:

#16 · 98w, 3d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

>>1714034 :twilightsmile: It's all good. Kinda annoying though, I really want to write for the fic, but I can never get motivated enough. It sucks.

#17 · 98w, 3d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

>>1713652 As one of Shirotora's proof-readers, and a fan of Gyvon's story too, I can say that this very swiftly diverges into something unique...

#18 · 98w, 3d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·


I actually pre-read the first few chapters.

#19 · 98w, 3d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

I like it so far. :rainbowdetermined2:

Just a friendly tip, when you write something like this:

“In memory of Twilight Sparkle, Faithful friend, loving sister, devoted student and a courageous protector. She gave her life so Equestria could live”.

Put it in italics and start a new line so that it reads something like this:

“In memory of Twilight Sparkle, Faithful friend, loving sister, devoted student and a courageous protector. She gave her life so Equestria could live”.

Makes the imagery of the scene pop out more at the reader.

Keep it up! :yay:

#20 · 98w, 3d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

is there a story i have to read before i read this one to get some things? or is that evil unicorn part of the story and will be explained later in this story?

#21 · 98w, 3d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

I really love this story, and I can't wait for the next few chapters to go up. I'll enjoy reading them...again...


#22 · 98w, 3d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

I like the story so far; I'm a total sucker for this sort of thing.

But... the punctuation errors made my brain cry. :fluttershbad:

#23 · 98w, 3d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

So is this a side story to Chaotic Harmony?

#24 · 98w, 3d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·


#25 · 98w, 3d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

>>1714258 More on him later.

>>1714656 No. This is a different story

#26 · 98w, 3d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·


just figured it out. your reply came just after i finished the chapter, and i must say, im really looking forward to the next chapter, and the one after that, and the one after that, and the one after that and the on- *two days later* -that, and the one after that. it looks liem this story is going to be fucking amazing

rarity and celestia: molten, language!

me: sorry you two.

#27 · 98w, 3d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

Pretty good so far, reminds me of On the Wings of Angels.

#28 · 98w, 2d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

I actually enjoyed this quite a bit.  However, there is one thing nagging at me, and it just might be me, but your pacing is ever so slightly off.  I just felt that you could have gone into a bit more detail in certain areas.  Kinda like when Twilight arrives, that moment felt a bit rushed.  It's not bad per say, but it would really benefit the story if you took a bit more time on slow paced scenes like that.

#29 · 98w, 2d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

Great start, but it feels rushed. Nevertheless, I'm tracking this story!

#30 · 98w, 2d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

does it look like a cross between the Normandy SR-2 and a real battleaxe?

#31 · 98w, 2d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

>>1716270>>1716390 Yeah, I thought so to, but every other way I tried it felt too drawn out.

>>1716556 I'm having cover art done that features thr ship.

#32 · 98w, 2d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

This is my favorite way of introducing ponies to humans. Twilight gets ripped from Equestria and ends up with some cantankerous soldiers.

#33 · 98w, 2d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

>>1714890, what I meant was, has this Twi met Shiro.

#34 · 98w, 2d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

>>1718668 No, this is a totally different universe, and completely unrelated to Chaotic Harmony.

#35 · 98w, 2d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

Okay,>>1718706, just needed to be sure. Will you make a sequel to Chaotic Harmony?

#36 · 98w, 2d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

>>1718721 Yes. I have this and one more story planned before that, but I will make it.

#37 · 98w, 2d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

>>1718726, blog post for the followers? So they know it will happen.

:fluttershysad:If that's okay with you.

#38 · 98w, 2d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

>>1718740 I mentioned it in one of the chapters, but I'll also post a preview when I get the prelude finished.

#40 · 98w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 1: First Encounter ·

This... is... AMAZING!

“Oh god, that's adorable.” Fawned Curt.
after hearing this, I knew from now to the end, Curt will be my favourite.

#41 · 98w, 2d ago · · · Prelude: Memorial ·

Sounds alot like On the Wings of Angels. Oh well. Beggars can't be choosers. Giving it a read.

#42 · 98w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 1: First Encounter ·

"Equish", is it? Clever jump from Equestrian.

#43 · 98w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 1: First Encounter ·

same general thing as on the wings of angels but still good. just hope this gets updated slightly more often than it does tho...

just a little tip, the conversation when twilight is first found by the humans sounds a bit mechanical and rushed.

aka. if ur pinned down in a firefight you normally wouldn't get into a long conversation like that.

#44 · 98w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 1: First Encounter ·

I haven't read it yet, but is this like a sequel of something?

#45 · 98w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 1: First Encounter ·

>>1718988 Thanks:twilightsmile:

>>1719012 I kinda like Curt, too:yay:

>>1719032 That changes quickly:pinkiehappy:

>>1719137 They weren't in a fire fight. The sniper turret surprised them.

>>1719207 Nope.

#47 · 98w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 1: First Encounter ·

Excellent stuff my good man, please proceed to create moar.

#48 · 98w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 1: First Encounter ·

I really like this, I really do but- GAH!  You are still doing it!  Your spacing is still off!  And right of the bat too!

When her sight returned she found herself in some kind of ruins. It looked like it was once a city like Manehattan. As she groggily examined her surroundings, she saw a strange looking object.

See this?  This is your setting.  You need to describe it.  Saying it was like Manehattan doesn't cut it.  It gives us a general idea of what it may look like, but some of us haven't really been to a city like New York to really make the connection.  You need to describe the city itself; the buildings, the streets, the conditions they are in.  So they are a ruin, but what kind of ruin?  Does it look abandoned and eroded?  Or does it look purposely destroyed?  As I've said before to other people, you are painting a picture with words, you cannot afford to color the characters and leave the background blank.

Another thing you could work on is on the conversations.  As it stands right now Twilight, Seth and Court are standing in the middle of a battlefield just talking.  As someone above me mentioned, it feels mechanical at times.  It also screams info dump.  You could really make them a lot better by better describing their actions, their expressions.  Right now they just stand there, have Curt pace around, look around.  They are in an active battlefield, it's only normal that they'd be skittish.  Also, some of the information could really be left out for further a later point.  You don't have to drop the entire lore on us in a few paragraphs, or even one chapter.  You'd be better off by dropping tidbits as the story progresses.

Last but not least is your grammar.  It's not bad; you still end quotes with periods where commas should be, but at least you are improving.  Also,


Don't do that.  It's poor form.  Refrain from using caps lock at all if possible.  And you are supposed to use one exclamation mark at a time.  I understand that she's in pain and being loud about it, but the "wailed" part is supposed to clue us in.

Other than that, this story is rather solid with lots of potential.  If I may, I would like to offer you my help.  I can help you with the pacing, as well as those little grammar things.  I really want to see this story accomplish its true potential, and I feel like you only need a bit of help with that.

Best regards,


#49 · 98w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 1: First Encounter ·

>>1719329 Sure. I can send you what I have If you'd like.

#50 · 98w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 1: First Encounter ·


Sure.  I'd love to help.

Do you have a Gdocs account?  Because they have some pretty neat editing features.

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