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-Twilight

Joined March 2012
42 followers

Stories (7)

  • Lyra's Grand human hunt
    Lyra is on a hunt. A human has been living in ponyville for about 3 months in hiding from her and her alone. and now Lyra is determined to capture this human and have the Q&A she has been dreaming of since fillyhood.

    9,285 words · 2,012 views · 77 likes · 7 dislikes
  • The Conversion Bureau: Why we Fight
    A short story made in the anti conversion bureau universe. Twilight is asked a fait changing question from the last human on earth that may just change her outlook on her beloved princess's project
    2,298 words · 2,437 views · 109 likes · 16 dislikes
  • Pinkie Pie And The Jolly Man in red
    Pinkie pie prepares a gift for a special friend on this special holiday
    1,406 words · 299 views · 19 likes · 1 dislikes
  • Of Blades and Magic wands: Sorcerer's Stone
    In the year 2040 humans have begun to study Magic using gems found on the face of the moon. 4 years later war, ensues between the "witches" and the MPR. one for each side ends up in equestria forced to settle differences for a common purpos
    5,126 words · 244 views · 15 likes · 3 dislikes
  • Twilight Does a internet
    6,135 words · 1,015 views · 17 likes · 5 dislikes
  • Stuck as a Filly
    9,697 words · 911 views · 32 likes · 17 dislikes
  • The Human
    15,803 words · 2,020 views · 23 likes · 11 dislikes

Blog Posts (9)


Well, I don't remember much, being trapped in my subconscious trying to contain the memories of who i once was behind the coat of this four foot tall filly is the mind of a 5'7" hoof- er i mean foot tall teenager named cade. at least, not for long.

I'm slipping, into forgetting who I am and submitting to the little filly I am now I send this to you as a last ray of hope before I get completely consumed by myself...

Hiatus because of this

First Published
30th Nov 2012
Last Modified
8th Feb 2013

Comments ( 50 )

#1 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 4d ago · · ·

I made this to test my writing abilities. i think i'm getting better. anyone who's read my stories before would agree. also I am planning on making another with the same thing I'm just.... testing the water to see how it turns out, tell me what you think about the story and if  I should add more to it. may he/ well she will try to fight it, or maybe there's a reason for why this is happening and a way to stop it. what do  y'all think

#2 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 4d ago · · ·

"who i once"

"for foot tall"

"teenager named cade"

"its dark"

"intermediate amount of effort"

Yeah no. Basic grammar problems and clichéd plot.

Cynewulf
Story Approver
#3 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 4d ago · · ·

Friend, let me give you advice that shall serve you well:

Don't write part of your synopsis about how little effort you put into a story.

People do this, and for the life of me I cannot decipher why this seems like a good idea. Don't tell me that, you only drive me away and color my perception of your tale. The synopsis is for your synopsis or byline or little special hook or whatever. Not a place to advertise how new you are at this.

#4 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 4d ago · · ·

a intermediate amount

an*

#5 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1710346 clichéd isn't bad, or we would hate Disney :rainbowlaugh:

#6 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 4d ago · · ·

Well, I enjoyed that. Not going to commit to a like, because you really need to work on grammar and spelling, but I enjoyed it. Maybe try typing in a program with spellcheck and grammar check? That could greatly aid in finding errors before putting the story up for others to see.

Also, try to standardize your white spaces, please :pinkiesad2: That was my main issue - spelling and grammar I can overlook to a point if the plot is decent, but having seemingly random gaps between paragraphs is annoying for me.

#8 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 4d ago · · ·

Interesting, but could use several improvements:

-Go into more detail about things

-Improve Punctuation

-Improve Grammar

-Improve Spelling

-What's the setting? (Yes, while it's implied it's Equestria present, not much detail goes into it)

-Everything is happening too fast, slow down a bit.

-Describe each individual character involved a little more.

-Try to avoid cliche things like Twilight botching a spell, nobody likes to read that.

-Try to not use to many asides (characters from the story directly speaking to the audience).

-Try to get out of the habit of using flashbacks whenever possible, the reader wants to be able to be put into the action.

-You had a really interesting concept, except you never let the character imply or say why being a filly was so bad, let alone why being a pony was so bad.

-Make it even longer, we need to know what his new life as a filly is like.

-Try using some rhetorical devices in your story (Here are a list of some of them: http://www.virtualsalt.com/rhetoric.htm) [If you still goto school / high school and you don't understand any of these then go ahead and print off the the list of rhetorical devices and take it to your English teacher]

Now for the positive feedback:

-I like how you can see the character develop over the course of the story.

-Everything flowed in the proper order.

-Staying true to the tense of each individual verb (In this case, past tense).

You had a really interesting concept, don't let this story discourage you. With several revisions and story continuation, you could make this more popular.

#9 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1710346

"who i once"

"for foot tall"

"teenager named cade"

"its dark"

"intermediate amount of effort"

#10 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 4d ago · · ·

Read this: EZN's guide

Description needs help.  Its purpose is to make me want to read the story.  When you tell me that you don't care enough to put some time into the story, what I read is: "Don't bother reading this."

Definitely need to work on capitalization.  It seems many of the apparently limited uses of the shift key were used to capitalize words that should not be capitalized, leaving none left for words that should be.  :scootangel:

Beyond that, I could dive into a lot of other aspects, but at this point, the story is so rough that there's no point.  Read the guide.  Spend considerably more than two hours on a story.  Improving your writing skill is something that will serve you throughout your life.

#11 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 4d ago · · ·

I'm just going to be frank on the grammar in this fic.

#12 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 4d ago · · ·

Well I fixed the grammar.. As for the punctuation I'm not fully sure :twilightblush: ITS BETTER THOUGH FOR SURE

so can someone tell me. Is the plot alright is the "story itself" decent i mean, Grammar and spelling can be fixed but if the story sucks i'm gonna have to do a lot more :applejackunsure:

#13 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 4d ago · 1 · ·

>>1710753 ...I loved that show :fluttercry:

(Yes, I'm male)

#14 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1710753

i..... i never had the channel :fluttershbad:

#15 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1710753

Disney =/= Disney Channel

#17 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1714021

High School Musical is a 2006 American television film and the first installment in the High School Musical trilogy. Upon its release on January 20, 2006, it became the most successful film that Disney Channel Original Movie (DCOM) ever produced

Better luck next time.

#18 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 4d ago · · ·

Uh guys .... :facehoof:

#19 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1714031

Hannah Montana: The Movie is a 2009 Walt Disney Pictures musical comedy-drama film

Also, don't forget

#20 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1714059

And that was based on the Disney Channel show. Thus, Disney Channel.

Also, Cars 2 is the exception to the rule. Not the rule itself.

#22 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1714098

>>1714074

Seriously you too, Kinda off topic here :twilightblush:

#23 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 3d ago · · ·

Hm, has a small creepy feeling to it, a 16 year old's mind slipping into a filly mind like insanity. Good job with testing your skill. :yay:

#24 · Chapter 2 · 91w, 21h ago · · ·

And there it is, chapter two. Honestly I never thought i would make more. BUT I WANNA :pinkiecrazy:

Next chapter Is a cmc one and near the end we are gonna start swimming near the plot

Will rain break free off this curse or will he be forever doomed :twilightsmile:

#25 · Chapter 1 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

And guys. The bad grammar, punct, and spelling are probably on purpose, hello, the character's mind is going down a few years of age.:facehoof:

#26 · Chapter 2 · 90w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1741771

Omg if i could thumbs up this post like youtube i would totally.

Yes that is the reason. I find good grammar and punc would really take away from the obvious fact that someone his/her age wouldn't know decent grammar

Thank you good sir/ma'am :twilightsmile:

#27 · Chapter 1 · 89w, 4d ago · · ·

Well I like the story so far but I noticed a few grammar and punctuation errors

Like this princes celestia it should be Princess Celestia

Also always capitalize your I's instead of  i it should be (I)

One last thing bab seed from manehattan.it is Babs Seed

#28 · Chapter 2 · 89w, 4d ago · · ·

Okay I noticed some more grammar errors I would be more than happy to let you use one of my editors :twilightsmile:

wan't  it should be want

Also "You know i can't do that, rain." this should look like this "You know I can't do that, Rain."

#29 · Chapter 1 · 89w, 4h ago · · ·

"Cliched"?! *blinkblink*:applejackunsure:

Honestly, this is the first pony tale I have read with Equestria (Or Celestia/Luna) actively trying to erase the intruder entirely without killing the person.

While there's old pulps exploring this happening to someone implanted into a robot, or a computer or being turned into an alien (The classic tale "I have no mouth, but I must SCREAM" anyone?), This is clearly a new one on me.

I've only read a handful of tales where Harmony is best served removng the Human shape from the equation (Mine included), but the mind is left intact.

This is a very effective tale (especially if the mistakes are intentional to show an 8-year old's writing.) :twilightsmile::raritywink:

#30 · Chapter 3 · 88w, 6d ago · · ·

wrote this at a library

was timed

had 3 hours to make, finish and edit

sorry for any errors:fluttershbad:

#31 · Chapter 3 · 88w, 5d ago · · ·

Woo! A shoutout in the Authors Note for me!:yay:

#32 · Chapter 3 · 88w, 5d ago · · ·

Hm I dunno. Some of the grammar errors don't seem to be there on purpose.

I am a grammar Nazi, NO GRAMMAR MISTAKES SHALL BE LEFT WHEN I'M THROUGH!!!!!!!!!!!! :flutterrage:

#33 · Chapter 3 · 88w, 5d ago · · ·

Intersting story want to see more

#34 · Chapter 3 · 88w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1831790

So your an editor :pinkiegasp:

#35 · Chapter 3 · 88w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1848506 Uh I am an editor yes. Although only for 2 stories atm.

#36 · Chapter 3 · 88w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1848580

Oh thank celestia

I don't suppose you can help me with my story here. I tend to clean off most of it on my own but the small things always escape me. i'm no pro you see :derpyderp2:

I'm actually writing the next chapter right now. and i'm gonna post it later today or tomorrow. can you edit it for me when its done :scootangel:

#37 · Chapter 3 · 88w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1848594 Uh sure when it's posted I'll post the mistakes I see or I'll PM em.

#38 · Chapter 3 · 88w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1800714

Hm, i may need to take you up on that offer :raritydespair:

#39 · Chapter 4 · 88w, 11h ago · · ·

I am up for it

#40 · Chapter 4 · 88w, 8h ago · · ·

>>1852462 Have fun with all the work. Damn that's a lot of grammar mistakes.

At least the person I edit for only makes a lot when he's speeding up things.

#41 · Chapter 4 · 88w, 8h ago · · ·

>>1852688

There's a lot in the newest chapter?

That's the only one that was actually edited how can this be?

#42 · Chapter 4 · 88w, 7h ago · · ·

>>1852699 I didn't say there weren't any in the previous ones.

#43 · Chapter 4 · 88w, 7h ago · · ·

Here are some examples

My horn with a dim green aura but my face was quickly losing color.

There has to be a verb in the first part of the sentence like MY HORN WAS GLOWING WITH A GREEN AURA or WAS RADIATING WITH A GREEN AURA

"This.... is... Impossible" I said, struggled to produce the words

that should be struggling

Its now or never it only getsharder as you age she says. your a unicorn and you run in a family of ponies

with very powerful magical abilities this should be easy for you

It's   /   never, it   /   gets harder   /   You're :flutterrage:   /   That's a strange part, I know of "something that runs in a family", but not "someone that runs in a family"   /   you should cut the sentence there with either a , or a .

I could go on like this. :applejackunsure:

Also you seem to be forgetting a lot of , and .

#44 · Chapter 4 · 87w, 6d ago · · ·

Well those were cleared up.

I don't even know how that stuff slipped by i need to be more careful.

I need more editors than just one :raritydespair:

#45 · Chapter 1 · 87w, 14h ago · · ·

FIGHT it Cade!

it pains me to see you slowly being transformed

its so cruel

and scary

#46 · Chapter 5 · 87w, 14h ago · 1 · ·

uh-huh

trolling

that concept, despite its recent introduction to us, it has been so deeply engraved in the human race

i love trolling, i think its funny, fuck da police

#47 · Chapter 5 · 83w, 12h ago · · ·

Hey,

Did you abandoned this fic? I really liked the whole idea of this story so I wanted to know, if i can already feel dissapointed by lack of new chapters :derpytongue2:

#48 · Chapter 5 · 82w, 6d ago · · ·

>>2041391

N-no not really, I guess its still going on. just realllllly slowly. but I'll see if i can keep this going :twilightoops:

#49 · Chapter 6 · 81w, 4d ago · · ·

The end is near! The end is near!

Explanation and discovery of his situation feels kinda rushed, but it's still really good story, waiting for next/last chapters :yay:

#50 · Chapter 6 · 9w, 3d ago · · ·

On haitus= bad simple logic

From theveryderpybrony ( LAZY MODE ON MY NAME):twilightsmile:

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