Crying in Perfect Harmony

FlutterDash1,423 stories ·2,583 members

((EDIT: THIS STORY IS ON HIATUS FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE, DON'T READ UNLESS YOU LIKE UNRESOLVED CLIFFHANGERS!)) My name is Cherry Sprinkle, I’m seventeen years old and right now I’m sitting in a guest room in my aunt’s house, crying because, for once, somepony decided to make me sleep in my bed the way I made it. All this because I was afraid of my parents, all this because I wouldn’t just tell Dash the truth of how I felt about her.

It's been five years since Cherry and Rainbow went their separate ways, but what happens when the two find themselves living in the same town. Add one jealous fillyfriend to the mixture and hoo boy are things bound to heat up. This is a sequel to If Music Be The Food Of Love Play On.

This story won't make any sense unless you've read the firts one.

As usual, if you notice any spelling or grammatical errors, please feel free to tell me and I shall correct them.

Chapters (4)

Teardrops on paper · 23rd Feb 2013 · 4,920 words
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Past hurt · 17th Mar 2013 · 3,754 words
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Time heals all · 19th May 2013 · 2,494 words
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An affair of the heart · 9th Jun 2013 · 3,283 words
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Comments ( 14 )

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Forum Explorer

Forum Explorer #1 · Feb 24th, 2013 · · · Teardrops on paper ·

I have no idea what's going on. Well kinda.

Let me reword that.

I have no idea who this pony is. I guess I have to go back and read the other story. But from the tags I assumed Fluttershy. Derpy isn't really in this story so that tag should be dropped. Oh I am assuming that the story is complete.

Yes add the tragic tag, also remove the romance tag. No romance really occurs in this story.

Forum Explorer

Forum Explorer #2 · Feb 24th, 2013 · · · Teardrops on paper ·

So still slightly confused. What was up with that note in the last story then? I would highly recommend actually putting the character's name somewhere in this story anyways.

flutterdashforever

flutterdashforever #3 · Feb 25th, 2013 · · · Teardrops on paper ·

2173059 The character writing this diary is an OC named Cherry Sprinkle. She was a bit of a loose end from If Music Be The Food Of Love Play On so I decided to tell what would have happened after that story. No this story is not complete, Derpy will come in to it later.

2173494 The note was going to make an appearance but it never really seem to fit anywhere. The reason I decided the note wasn't that important is because I'm assuming Cherry would not believe Dash had forgiven her even if she said she did. I know I should probably put her name somewhere but that's a little tricky to do when it comes to a first person narrative.

Cicatrix

Cicatrix #4 · Mar 3rd, 2013 · · · Teardrops on paper ·

Hey. It's been two months, but I've been trying to get back to my normal routine. That involved stalking you and your stories.
So I read this. Was nice, all depressing and such. I have corrections too. I have to go take a shower now, so I'll post those and a proper review later. I guess.
You still get a like and a fave!

flutterdashforever

flutterdashforever #5 · Mar 4th, 2013 · · · Teardrops on paper ·

2208608 *Sobs with joy* My editor is back Great to have ya here again. Glad you like it.

Cicatrix

Cicatrix #6 · Mar 5th, 2013 · · · Teardrops on paper ·

Okay, my last post made it seem like I would post another comment after I took my shower. The truth of the matter is that I was actually going to post this after I paced around the washroom and didn't take a shower, after I realised that I should probably take a shower, after I took a shower, after I had to go to this place that my family always goes to Sunday, after staring at melee weapons on the TF2 Wiki for about an hour, after I had to go to sleep, after I woke up at 4 AM (and saw that you replied to me!), after I couldn't sneak out to my computer where all the corrections where saved, after I fell back asleep, after I woke up late, after school ended, after I stayed back for 2 hours for drama stuff, after I came home, after I ate a muffin, after I ate the rest of my sister's chocolate bar (even though it was dark chocolate with nuts, the worst), after I stared at a wall, and after I had a bunch of issues with Photoshop and CS2 in general. Right, sorry

Okay, the ending was quite the cliffhanger. Definitely left me curious about how you're going to go with this. The song bits were nice, considering how they were a recurring trend in the prequel. You did a pretty good job portraying emotions. The writing is rather blunt, to the point, and monotonous, like Cherry Sprinkle just doesn't care. That left an effect on the readers. Also, my heart dropped to my stomach when I read the first line of the last entry. Thanks for that.

I HAVE CORRECTIONS!

The first paragraph is the same as the description, so these apply to both:

Today I it became official.

I it? Huh. Got a random "I" in there.

The diary of Cherry sprinkle.

Cherry Sprinkle demands capitalization of her entire name!

Here's something just from the description:

This story won't make any sense unless you've read the firs one.

Double space between this and story. Also, firs one. Hehe. I didn't know firs were involved in IMBTFOLPO. Frankly, I'm curious as to how they would grow on cloud. Unless, of course, you meant first one.

I find it hard to believe that I’ll just move on from totally screwing over the fillyI liked.

Need a space between filly and I here!
...
I gotta start playing less TF2.

Say you’re prayers and light a fire, we’re going to start a war
You’re slogan’s ‘A gun for hire,’ it’s what we waited for,

You wrote you're instead of your. You need your here, both times the word is used possessively.

I signed the lease on for my apartment, I move in on Thursday which means I’m going to have to take a day off work… what a shame.

Sign the lease on for her apartment? Dunno if on should be there. Also, I'm not 100% sure, but I think you might be comma splicing here. You could replace the first comma with a period. It might flow better that way.

The pay is awful and the working conditions are worse. Worse than the job, though, are my fellow employees.

It sounds kinda weird with two worse's in a row. Maybe you could try The pay is awful and the working conditions are too for the sentence? I dunno, something like that.

She was actually the one who recommend I start keeping this diary as a way of talking about how I feel so I suppose I should say how I feel: Bloody awful.

Dunno if bloody should be capitalized.

Where ever I go, I’m either being perved on or, no, wait, that’s all, just perved on, everywhere I go.

I had to search this up to make sure, but you should probably change where ever to one word. Apparently, where ever is incorrect in this scenario.

Now I can’t go anywhere there might be somepony I might actually enjoy the company of for fear of running in to her.

Same thing with in to. One word.

Burt lungs, sour taste,

Pretty sure you meant burnt.

She’s in the class a team,

Might want to consider capitalising A. That's the way it is in the song title.

Slowly sinking wasting,

You could try adding a comma between sinking and wasting, or something like that. It just look kinda weird.

He then winked and told me that it would be alright for my “Preferences,” because there would be another filly involved.

Don't think preferences should be capitalized.

They guy was a drug dealer.

Drop that y, fiiiiillllllly. No, seriously, it should be the.

I suppose that, given this is a largely female profession, (dare I call it that) I won’t have to deal with many stallions.

Would make more sense for the comma to be after the brackets, not before, methinks.

Usually I like Green Day but, yeash, talk about creative lyric writing going out the window.

Pretty sure that should be yeesh, I haven't seen this alternate spelling.

No wonder that guy hasn’t got his cutie mark.

I dunno, I just think this may sound better with gotten instead of got.

Anyway, I sat down and bought myself a drink, before I knew it I was chatting to this pretty filly with a green mane and amazing eyes.

Could sound better if you started a new sentence with before.

On my way home, today, some stallion approached me and told me that he had the solution to all my problems.

Consider getting rid of the first comma.

The building is grey and has I peeling sign that proclaims it to be “A magical experience for your foals to learn laugh and play.”

Wrong vowel! Not I peeling sign, a peeling sign. Also, there should be a comma between learn and laugh, play as well if you believe in the Oxford comma, unless of course that was intentional.

In the corner is an ancient TV that seems only capable of blaring hospital dramas in black and white all day every day.

All day, every day. It needs a comma.

On the whole, the day could have gone better, the other staff members don’t say much and when they do, they stay to the golden rule; no questions, no answers and no life stories.

You could try splitting this up into two sentences. Y'know, put a period after better. It might flow better that way.

My fellow employees are all pretty much the same; There because life screwed them over in one way or another.

Nein! No capitalisation after a semicolon! I think...

So this is me saying how much I will morn,

Bring in a u, because it's all about U! Oh my god, that was so cheesy. Yeah, though, mourn.

And it’s sad I know but there is, nothing I can do,

That first comma seems a bit unnecessary, unless you were indicating how it was sung.

And when I’m lying in my bed and I can’t help bud cry,

Bring in the T when you drop the D, everybody go PAR-TEE! I made that up on the spot! Why am I coming up with so many corny lines today...? Anyway, yeah, not bud, but. Unless, again, you were indicating how it was sung.

I brought by book to work again today and let Fia draw in it for a while.

I won't sprout a one-liner this time... my, not by.

I find myself in having flashbacks of when I was that age.

Don't think that in is necessary.

Okay, onto a bunch of stuff about sentence flow. I suppose it can be ignored. Probably should be at least partially ignored. Whatever, I'm adding it anyway.

I saw a couple instances where there just seemed to be too many commas. It could be fixed by adding a period in there, or maybe even getting a rid of a comma or two. Just do what you see fit. Some scenarios don't necessarily need change. Here are the ones I found:

Actually, that's a little misleading, see, I decided that, after the characters and plot I set up in the first story, the continuation I originally planned just didn't fit.

In the nursery itself is this ceiling fan, it’s one of those ones that spins really slowly, without disturbing the air in the room at all and has one of those dim yellow lights that only serves to make the room feel darker.

My boss is an older mare, her coat is a dingy brown, her main and tail also brown but greying around the edges.

ALSO, about that one, it's mane not main.

It would be nice to say that I felt remorse on my way home, or maybe sadness that I hadn’t seen where that relationship might have gone but in truth, I felt nothing, just this strange emptiness.

Sorry I haven’t written for a while, I must have written those words so many times by now but it’s always true, it’s been nearly two months since I started keeping this diary, it’s helped me to be able to write down my thoughts and my feelings.

Well, I give, I can’t do this anymore, I don’t want to be part of a world that lets this happen.

In a way, I’m lucky, I’ll be leaving no pony behind, no one cares about me and that’s a relief, that way I don’t have to feel the guilt of breaking their hearts.

I found the opposite issue at other times. Sentences were sounding too run-on. Most of those had conjunctions in them, so you could fix that by adding a comma. There are many instances where authours omit the comma because the two clauses are short and related. However, I saw some instances where a comma could really come in handy. I have the sentence I found, but it's your choice on what you want to do with them, I suggest reading the sentences out slowly and deciding whether or not they "sound right."

When I transferred to Dash’s school, I hoped for redemption but now I find myself completely on my own.

My aunt said that I could either go to a new school for my last year or I could just try to get a job and find somewhere to live.

I’ve started looking for work in the local weather factory and I think I’m likely to get it but the pay isn’t great so it looks like I’ll be roughing it until I can get a higher paid job.

My aunt says that it will pass but I don’t know.

At the moment, I'm living in my aunt’s house and she says I can stay here as long as I need to but I want to leave.

She was actually the one who recommend I start keeping this diary as a way of talking about how I feel so I suppose I should say how I feel: Bloody awful.

I haven’t had the displeasure of being formally introduced to him yet but I’ve been told that everypony just calls him ‘Pukey John.’

Truly, if you got a drill and dug for hours from the slums you would still be above the ponies here.

I didn’t actually plan to do that but Runningnose Pete kept grinning and asking me out, calling me “sweet cheeks,” and rubbish like that.

So, anyway, in a fury where I could have kicked him in the face I ended up just shouting “I’m gay you bastard.”

WAIT, add a comma in the quote.

Yea, that was awkward but then Pukey John just smirked and said, “Awesome.”

Hey, I've seen you use yea a lot. Always wondered if that's actually an accepted alternate spelling or yeah or not. Whatever.

That song came on to the radio and I thought of Dash for some reason.

Today sucked going back to work but the weekend was such a relief.

I supposed I would too if I were them but they might at least have the decency to fall in to existential despair quietly.

Sorry this entry is kind of short but I’ve had one of the worst days imaginable and would really like to go to bed.

I found an apartment with a semi crazy roommate which is way better than I thought I would do.

Should there be a hyphen after semi?

I was so tempted to hit him but in the end I just asked if he was going to give it to me or not and he said that he’d think about it.

She seemed interesting enough but just when I was going to ask her out, the pony who had been singing exited the stage and a new one walked on.

I find myself thinking that, the only reason I don’t do the same, is that I don’t want to give life the satisfaction of seeing me fall even further.

I’m fully moved in to my new apartment and I have to say that it’s better than I had thought it would be.

In the end, I was fired which I’m finding it rather hard to be upset about.

Tomorrow I’m going to go looking for another job but I don’t have any qualifications so any place that hires me is probably going to be pretty much the same.

I was curious as I didn’t think there was anything for sale that could fix my problems so I asked him what he meant.

Day three of job hunting and I’m still unemployed, I’ve had to go on the dole but the pay really is awful so I hope to get a job soon.

I don’t know why as it was a genuine question but looking back, I think I can see what I did wrong.

I went for the job interview and it turns out that having no qualifications is ideal for working here.

I decided that a good way to finish the day would be a cup of tea but I didn’t think Mr Yana would be in the kitchen as well.

In the nursery itself is this ceiling fan, it’s one of those ones that spins really slowly, without disturbing the air in the room at all and has one of those dim yellow lights that only serves to make the room feel darker.

Occasionally one will start crying or will chatter on to me for a while but it’s relatively quiet.

I decided that I might as well try to enjoy myself and I had my first week’s pay.

As things went on it crossed my mind that it was almost like I was kissing a stallion but not half so disgusting.

All I could do was think of Dash, I tried for a while but in the end I just pulled away and walked off.

I said I was a mare not some little filly and yet, here I am, whining about how unfair life is.

There’s a clock in the day care centre I work in. It’s small and several of the numbers are missing but it ticks so loud.

I’m sorry I haven’t written in a while but I’ve been so busy.

It’s hard to explain why this foal has such an effect on me but I’m glad she does.

I don’t know what it means but she seems happy so I just smile.

I’ll go back to work tomorrow but I have extra credit with my boss, having been working overtime so I get to spend extra time with Fia.

I can’t imagine what her special talent will be but whatever it is will be a gift to the world.

Sorry I haven’t written for a while, I must have written those words so many times by now but it’s always true, it’s been nearly two months since I started keeping this diary, it’s helped me to be able to write down my thoughts and my feelings.

I went to a much better day care but it didn’t make that much difference. Every other child was always getting invited to one party or another but I would never get an invite. It’s foalish I know but I find myself more giddy with excitement about finally getting invited to a party.

I saw you use the word hellhole twice, I believe. Both times it was spelt hell hole. I haven't seen that alternate spelling before, but I think it might be okay.

Also, whenever you write the date, you need to add a comma before the year. I dunno if the number should be capitalised or not. I suggest just using the numerical version (eg. 4 or 4th instead of fourth), but whatever strikes your fancy, I suppose

UNLESS OF COURSE THIS IS ALL INTENTIONAL BECAUSE THEY'RE JOURNAL ENTRIES! IN WHICH CASE MY TWO HOURS OF FORMATTING THIS WOULD HAVE ALL BEEN FOR NAUGHT!

One last thing:

‘Cause we’re just under the upper hoof,

Nothing wrong, I just saw what you did there

Can't read you other stories today, sorry. I have to go eat dinner and then I have homework that's due tomorrow but I haven't started yet. I probably won't finish dinner until 9:45-10ish, and if the homework takes an hour, it would be about 11. In which case my parents would be yelling at me to go to sleep. Near 12 is latest I'm gonna get before I have to be in bed. Okay, yeah, hasta la vista!

flutterdashforever

flutterdashforever #7 · Mar 5th, 2013 · · · Teardrops on paper ·

2214865 Why is it that, whenever I read a list of your corrections, I always end up starting the editing session with one great big facehoof? HOW DO I MISS THIS STUFF? I would love to say that, yes, I did all of that deliberately for effect but, sadly, it was just oversight and laziness. I'm glad you didn't try to correct Fia's entry, though. That would have been amusing. Anyway, addressing some of the nit picky stuff.

You are correct; dark chocolate is the worst... well, mint chocolate is pretty bad too so I would say that they tie for worst kind of chocolate. Missing the point? Yea, (see, I can't stop. My spellcheck says that 'yea' is correct and that's how my writing teacher does it as well as all my friends. It's an ingrained habit and possibly an Australian one) I was going to make some witty and knowledgeable sounding TF2 remark but I have no idea what TF2 is and google only assisted by showing me this.

Not very helpful.

Regarding comma use in the songs: I do tend to use commas in songs to indicate a pause or silent beat. I know it can look weird but not doing it feels even weirder so I tend to just do it and hope people don't lynch me.

I could go on giving reasons why my grammar is dreadful or I could just thank you for being so good at finding them (seriously, do you read my stories with a magnifying glass? It never ceases to amaze me the things you find) so I can correct them. I'mma go with that option as it takes less effort and requires no not-quite-lying. So lemme just close by saying how delighted I am to have caused your heart to drop to your stomach although I suggest you get that looked at by a doctor. It can't possibly be healthy.

Cicatrix

Cicatrix #8 · Mar 6th, 2013 · · · Teardrops on paper ·

It's all cool. Y'know, your mistakes give me something to do with my life! Yeah, I didn't bother correcting Fia's entry because I was pretty sure that it was all on purpose.

Hmph, you're right, mint chocolate is pretty bad. When it comes to dark chocolate, it's usually bad, but sometimes it's okay. Hint, hint: Lindor. Lindor makes anything taste good. I ate my sister's chocolate bar anyway because screw her (I don't mean that literally, don't get any ideas ). She's not too fond of it either, but she's eating it because my mom bought a lot of Hershey's Dark Chocolate with Almonds. I think they were on sale. I don't like nuts in chocolate either. I mean, it can sometimes work, but my biggest problem with Hershey's Almonds bars is that the chocolate tastes really good and I want to eat it, but there are random nuts messing with it. With the dark chocolate bars, I don't have to worry because I didn't like the chocolate in the first place! At least it's not ice cream, I really hate nuts in ice cream. Of course, my family just loves Heavenly Hash, so I end up having to glare at them because my mom often neglects to bring other ice cream. She always say she'll get some that I like, but at the same time she always assumes I like the same things my sister does, even if I've repeatedly stated otherwise, so she'll seem all surprised when I remind her that I dislike all the ice cream she bought. Yup, that's my sad tale of ice cream. I have to either eat flavours that I don't like, or no ice cream at all.

About the yea, I knew that it was an archaic spellings as well as a very modern one, but I wasn't sure whether it was an accepted term nowadays. I'll take your word for it though.
Aww, I already got my mob ready. Okay, fine, we'll leave you to your commas in songs. Or will we...?

TF2: World's #1 war-themed hat simulator! Yeah, it's a F2P FPS with nine playable classes and two teams. Also, hats. That video pretty much sums it up.
(Hey, hey, hey, Sniper's Australian. Hint, hint.)

Holy crap, your line about reading your stories with a magnifying glass... made me go through a revelation. I.. I technically do read your stories with a magnifying glass. I wear glasses, which are like magnifying glasses for the visually impaired. I read everything with magnifying glasses. Well, except for the fanfiction that I read under my covers in the wee hours of the day, that doesn't count... Holy crap. I had a whole epiphany and my friend, who was sitting next to me, ignored me while she checked her email. She then told me to calm down when my rambling and hyperventilating got too extreme. Holy crap, man, you made me rethink my whole life.

Somewhat-related-closing-quote-because-have-to-go-now-and-finish-stuff-but-might-have-time-tomorrow-actually-maybe-not-I-know-something-big-that-I-have-to-finish-oh-well-this-is-the-last-week-before-March-Break-then-I-can-read-all-your-stories-and-everything-yay-for-time-off-and-for-Maple-Syrup-Festival-yeah-'cause-Maple-Syrup-Festival's-in-March-I'm-so-excited-it's-a-lot-of-fun-yeah-that's-all:

"Is anyone here a doctor?"
"I am!"
"Well, you're a NERD!"
*high five*

lillytheomegawolf

lillytheomegawolf #9 · May 11th, 2013 · · · Past hurt ·

okay.... ...this was not what I expcted.

I finally get around to reading what I thought would be an awesome follow up to one of my fave flutterdash fillies story and I actually went back and checked that I had the right story in my mind as to what the prequal (to this was). The tone and the feelings I get from this is very different to the first and kinda caught me off guard there.

It makes me wonder... what happend between RD and Fluttershy that made 'Shy go work in such ...places... especialy after things had been going so well at the end of the last.
Having expected a second cute story I was a more than a little put off when I hardly got half way though the first chapter to find Fluttershy kinda in with strange mares (in strange places).
Rainbows diary was a nice addition and I didn't mind it coming out of nowhere. It was nice for her to finaly have a voice in the story.

For now this story gets a down-vote from me (that can change). I will continue to read this as you update in the hope that things will get better for Flutter and Dashie (afterall this is listed as a Flutterdash story and since its from you, I shall most certainly persevere.)

Spelling and grammer and such is sound (as far as I can tell). But Im just wondering about where you plan on taking this. Hopefuly they will bump into each other soon (like the next day...)

flutterdashforever

flutterdashforever #10 · May 12th, 2013 · · · Past hurt ·

2562771 I'm not quite sure what you mean about Fluttershy going to work in such places. The first chapter was the diary of Cherry Sprinkle, the filly who flew off at the end of the first story. She was having a hard time with blaming herself over harassing Rainbow in their first school. Fluttershy only came in to things in the second chapter and has been with Rainbow since they left school. Maybe that wasn't clear, I always do seem to struggle with knowing what I'm writing and therefor assuming that everyone else will as well.

When I began work on the newer version I did want to paint a slightly bleaker look on the stuff that had happened. On the one hand you have how great it was for Shy and Dash but on the other, you have to think how much it must have hurt Cherry. For this story, I wanted to maker her the focus.

Believe it or not, the next chapter is underway (can't say much but I will promise large amounts of d'awww) and I hope I can win back that up-vote.

lillytheomegawolf