1,768
15,658
"A massive, artificial behemoth made of metal tore through our skies. It loomed over our world, blotting out Celestia's sun and shrouding Luna's moon, leaving those below in the shadows. It sowed chaos and conflict on our nation, something that had not happened in more than a millennium."
"It sits high above us, watching and waiting. What is this monster, and what is to be the fate of Equestria?"
Cover art by Conicer!
Is it "recognizance" or "reconnaissance"? Given the context, I think the latter is more likely.
Another amazing chapter you should try to get this onto EqD its that good. Im also surprised that this hasn't been featured in the top bar thing at the top of the FIMfiction website I mean this story deserves more views and attention so please continue writing this has now reached up to my top 10 favorite fan fictions that I have ever read and its only on the first chapter 
Keep providing links. i have a good enough imagination to get a rough idea of an object, but i like to see pictures because i want to know what it's really supposed to look like.
Links aside, i really enjoy this story so far and can't wait for the next update.
As long as the story is told well, and the reader can reasonably infer what the vehicle is supposed to look like, I do not think it is necessary to include lengthy physical descriptions those vehicles. That is, PR-83 Advanced hover tank would be fine, since "hover" and "tank" give the reader the basic idea of the vehicles purpose and (at least to some extent) appearance (i.e. it is a floating tank of some kind). As long as you provide the basic... template for the reader, it should be fine to leave it up to our imaginations. Besides, a poorly done description can sometimes do more harm than good, bogging down the story and interrupting the flow(?) of the writing. Finally, there is the fact that you admitted you dislike providing such descriptions, which would make the story less enjoyable for you to write, which would me slower updates for us readers (yes, I am being rather selfish here)
Of course, illustrations are always welcome, and I can't see any problem with the addition of links to appropriate images, just don't feel obligated to do so for every new vehicle or piece of technology you introduce.
Finally, there has been a couple of events in the story that have been bugging me a bit. First, there appears to be no communication barrier between the ponies and the humans. Luna and the others at the crash site were able to understand the video recording just fine, and in this chapter it is revealed that the ponies can understand the humans' written language as well (admittedly, evidence from the show indicates that the ponies do speak and write in English). Is there going to be an explanation for this in the story, or was that done for the sake of the plot? Secondly, the ponies note that the name of the ship is the U.S.S. Vector, and then ask, as Rainbow Dash puts it, "'Vector’? The hay is a ‘Vector’?". Rainbow Dash not knowing isn't really unexpected, but I am shocked that Twilight has never heard of the word, considering its use in mathematics and physics.
This review went on a bit longer than intended, but I hope you find it useful. I enjoyed this latest chapter, and will be keeping eye out for future updates.
>>132744 Well, I don't really have a problem adding links to images. After all, an image is worth a thousand words, right? As for the writing, from what I've seen from the show the ponies' writing is very similar to ours, it seems to be a little simpler, perhaps due to the fact that earth ponies and pegasi have to write with their mouths, so I don't think they'd have much of a problem understanding our writing. And to answer your second second concern regarding the ponies not knowing what a 'Vector' is, more will be explained eventually.
Oh, also, about the images and such. It is really hard to describe something like a tank from the point of view of a pony, and doing it from the point of view of a human would be sorta pointless, they all know what a tank is. It's like describing colour to a man that was born blind, you could give him a concept about it, but it wouldn't be good enough.
I understand about the writing being similar. As I pointed out earlier, we have seen the ponies writing in English. My point was that such a coincidence (identical written and spoken languages for two completely different civilizations from completely different planets) is INCREDIBLY unlikely, and was wondering if it was going to be a plot point. Of course, even if the languages were different, there are many other interesting connections between the two, from similarities in architecture and tools to the fact that pegasi, unicorns, dragons, etc. exist in our mythology. I am interested in how these connections will be addressed.
Links to images -> yes. I felt it really helped get your point across as to what something looked like. For instance, I probably would have never of thought what some of those armors looked like had you not posted those links.
Crysis 2 OST piece at that moment -> OH HELL YES! Perfect!! Really made me get a feel for what the ponies were feeling when they saw the Vector. I got to tell you, if I were a pony and I saw that ship coming my way, I probably would have shit myself.
Yes, definitely glad that I tracked this and gave it 5 stars after reading the prologue. Continue the amazing work that you are doing.
Oh and not to step on any toes or anything but I did find one probable mistake that you made in this chapter. When you wrote: "They passed through the motor pool, were pilots were climbing into their walkers," Did you mean "where" instead of "were"? That was the only thing that really stood out to me.
Wait wait. Did they seriously conscript a new mother? Doesn't that seem a little...unrealistic given the setting? I mean yeah the circumstances are extreme but that seems to be one hell of a stretch. Also they're conscripting the mane 6 but they're not being taken separately? I mean they do represent pretty much the ultimate magic item, wouldn't they be getting orders from the princess herself rather than conscripted into the general military?
What rank is Atlas? I mean he's talking to an admiral shouldn't he be a bit more polite? Or formal?
The whole thing felt a bit rushed to me. I think this could have used a lot more thinking. Though the meeting bit was cute, I'm surprised none of the adult ponies got involved after they saw the kids not turned into swiss cheese.
>>143916 Carrot Cake was conscripted, not Miss Cupcake. And the mane six are conscripted, too, yeah, but you'll learn more about that. Besides, the elements can't make an entire country of angry Gryphons back away.
I understand your feeling about this chapter feeling like it could've been much better, I feel the same way, I just couldn't find a good source of inspiration for this one, I even re-did it a couple times.
Oh, and these 'Adult' ponies were scared to death by a zerba wearing a cloak. How about three creatures with no faces, twice their size, that came from what they think is the eater of worlds?
And about Atlas, that'll be explained, soon...I guess
Ahh, my miss. I thought she was. Ok I can buy all of that. But even then, I can't believe that Applejack wouldn't have chased after Applebloom. I wouldn't expect death itself would stop her from protecting her little sister. If any of the girls had parents that were regular characters I imagine they would have gone out there but since Applejack's the closest thing and given her fierceness I'm surprised you didn't have her pop out.
I'd still imagine they'd take volunteers before before going straight to conscription, especially with the amount of loyalty most ponies show towards their country I can't imagine conscription would be necessary.
One thing I didn't quite get, did the Vector appear in the atmosphere proper or are they closer to space? If they're in the atmosphere I'm also surprised the Vector hasn't pulled back out to a further distance at this point. Seems like they'd be awful vulnerable to, well, anything at that low an altitude from a military perspective and probably are doing a very good job at terrifying all the residents. Seems like the brass should be thinking of this stuff a bit more.
>>144036 "Twilight? Oh, she’s with mah sister, and the rest of her friends over at the farm" That's why AppleJack didn't do anything.
Yes, I agree that Ponies are loyal, but war is still a terrifying thing to them. Some of them had to be conscripted, the army has to be built, fast, it's been made clear the Gryphons aren't slow at raising armies.
While the Vector is in the atmosphere, the whole crew woke up about fourteen hours after the ship got there. And if I were the Admiral, I too would probably want to make sure i'm not sorrounded by laser gorillas before trying to get my ship out of the atmosphere.
Imagine their laser eyes cutting into the Vector as it makes its escape
Alright fair enough. I obviously missed a couple of things in my zeal. I'm very glad I was wrong because I've lost a couple of fics I've been watching to just unbelievable stuff lately 
.
I don't buy the Vector argument but it hasn't thrashed my sense of disbelief enough for me to really harp on that so I'll just give up on that side.
I have to say I'm still going "D'awwwww" from the image of some dude in massive powered-armor bending down and petting Applebloom. Maybe reminds me of that image of a US solider petting the kitten. Just a pony instead of a kitten and a massive metal behemoth. You get the idea.
Oh yes, please please please please please have Atlas call the Admiral at least "Sir," it just seems so weird for him not to. The ship is primarily military correct?
I just want to clear out that there will be a few things that wont make sense during the story, but dont fret, alot of things will be revealed when the time comes. 
Patience is a virtue. I mean, it would be a boring story if I told you guys everything, right? 
>>173488 It's been a pain to make this one, mainly because I keep coming up with new things and I have to start all over again in order to add them.
But yeah, feel free to pester me. I think some pressure could be good for me to shake off that laziness that's taken over me for the last week or so. 
Nooooooooooooo 
! Therein lies the path to madness!
Yours is the only story with ponies and powered armor that has kept my attention. The fact that even with ponies and powered armor the D'awww factor has been significant sure doesn't hurt. Keep at it though, don't get stuck in the 'well it's not good enough' loop, or into constantly revising it. Gotta make some headway sometimes. Nothing wrong with taking some time to plan stuff out but before you lose your steam it might be a good time to 'lock things down' so to speak.
Due to me being overrun by bugs at night, I've been forced to use a VERY strong bug spray every time I go to sleep, with the results being me waking up with a sub-form of hangover the next day.
This has been going on for a couple of days, and my head hurts so much I haven't really been able to write anything 
I wont use that damn spray again, i'm pretty sure i've lost a good lot of brain cells and they're (Sadly) a necesity when it comes to writting
Let the mosquitoes attack tonight, for I shall be writting tomorrow 
Lol after the story with the wrap jump i said
Lol i read this whole thing and these 4 words say it all
This is how you do Sci-fi and ponies! I haven't been this excited since the Thessalonica Legacy.
That was a great plot dump too, straight to the point, lots of relevant information and didn't outstay it's welcome.
Ponies and powered armor, I am struggling to think of things better in life.
My friend, i saw this chapter
Got a pistol, shotgun,and a uzi
got two other people
bashed down your door
and said "you better make more chapters or i will say
Wow, I just... wow. 
I love you, there are no more words. KriegsMaiden? I never thought that a commited writer would stumble upon my story! 
And I'm writting the next chapter while also writting this (I know), but as one of my readers once told me, rome wasn't built in a day.
No, it wasn't. however, it was made glorious after a few years. 
KregsMaiden took me well over a decade to get the first book ready, been working on it since I was 13.
it'll take time, but I see a LOT of potential in your own world.
Though, I wonder.....what do you think of a crossover?
>>229922 The plan worked flawlessly!
On a side note: I'm planning to submit this to Eqd, which means I'll probably spend alot of time looking over all of the chapters so I can get rid of any errors that may still be lingering arround, and remake some parts that I think could've been better.
me: I'm gonna go to sleep
brain: Quiet, slave! Get to writting!
...and now there's no story left. Comment time!
First off, I loved the story: it's well written and has great potential, particularly when the "Oh my goodness, ponies/humans" part ebbs into the main plot. It'll be interesting to see where you take it, though I'm guessing it involves Griffons. Or Zebras. Or maybe Zebras AND Griffons
Other things: Having Sweetie Bell introduced to Mac the robot. Was that a FiW reference? Because it sure felt like one. Also, we need an explanation for how human machines/engineering seems to work in a world with vastly different physical laws, though I think I can see one on the horizon with Luna's magic not working on... well, on Luna.
Anyway, tracked, thumbed up and waiting for the next chapter.
>>238662 I didn't realize right away when I first wrote that part, It was mostly unintentional, but yeah, It's more or less a refference to FiW.
And keep in mind that technology does exist in Equestria, to a certain extent at least. It's not something completely foreign, though it's rather undeveloped since they have magic directly at their disposal. It would only make sense for them to use magic more often.
Oh...wow. You, sir, have my FOREVER respect (I Pinkie Pie promise) because of this story. This is without a doubt, THE BEST Sci-fi/pony fic I have ever read. My internets, cookies, bagels, monies, whatever you want! Take them.
By royal decree from Princess Celestia herself:
ALL MY BASE ARE BELONG TO YOU!!!!!
Love how the ponies think it's magic that holds up the USS Vector. Can't wait to see their reactions to the humans. With all their different exo-skeletons, it's going to be a total mind f&$k when they see that there are humans inside them. FANTASTIC CHAPTER.
Very very nice. I do have two simple complaints...
When Atlas and Torres take their masks off, Mac completely disappears from the story, and isn't mentioned again for the entire chapter. Normally, with any other character, this would be TOTALLY ok, but the fact that he CAN'T take his mask off (android and all) leads to a lot of missed opportunities in the sense of one or more of the ponies asking, "Why isn't he taking his mask off?" and the potential responses to it.
Oh, and Rainbow Dash slamming head first into Atlas causes his shields to drop by 35%, thrown several feet back, and she doesn't get injured at all? I know you mentioned that it looked (and maybe acted, but this isn't actually said) like a net, but Rainbow Dash flying at top speed stopping with only 1-2 feet of time? Maybe it made sense in your head, but that didn't transfer well into the story. Just something you might want to address.
Like I said, love the story, and I can't wait to see more of it!
I was planning to address the whole issue with Mac on the next chapter, and I guess the reason he basically didn't speak or do anything worthy of interest for the next chapter is because, well, he IS an android, and had no real reason to speak for most of the encounter.
But I agree on a certain extent, it could've been handled better (And I will, once I get to editing that chapter).
As for the moment with RD trying to smash into Atlas: Yes, I could've also done that in a much better way, it'll be one of my concerns once I get to editing that chapter.
I still feel you deserve a small explanation, Energy shielding works in two ways basically: The suit is constantly sending energy pulses arround the wearer (Like a radar), it detects the speed of any sorrounding objects, and calculates the point of impact. If it detects a projectile going at a potentially deadly speed, the suit will make use of the several emmiters it has to produce a repulsive barrier composed of a kinetic field and a plasma field, that deflects and/or melts most projectiles. Should the case be that instead of being the target of a projectile, the user is the imminent victim of a melee strike, the suit will form a thick kinetic barrier with the purpose of gradually slowing down the attacker, then hopefully expelling them from attack range by producing a kinetic blast. This generally consumes most of the suit's energy reserves.
Rainbow Dash is a lightweight pony that probably doesn't even reach Atlas' knees, and she wasn't going at her top speed (No sonic rainboom). "This generally consumes most of the suit's energy reserves.", that's assuming the attacker is Serven/Ubor, keep in mind that I've never actually told you guys how they look exactly.
Phooey!
Anyways, that was long, sheesh.
I've got a team of three guys helping me out with my writting, hopefully once I finish editing all the chapters the story will be 20% better.
I'm confused. As a craft as small as the one described able to cause the shield of the Sisters to disperse.....when they have the magical power to move the sun and the moon. They raised the shield together meaning both of them were putting their effort into it.
>>278232 25 kilometers isn't too unbelievable. If you're into games (and looking at your armor and music choices, I believe you are, the Covenant supercarrier from Halo: Reach is 28 kilometers long as well. Heck seeing the scene where the supercarrier, Long Night of Solace, blows apart a human frigate, it really gives you a nice perspective as to how big something like that really is. I was originally thinking the Vector was about as long as an assault carrier, about 5 kilometers.
Gotta be honest, not sure what it was you wanted me to say. I like it, Its done in a way that doesn't make me cringe. You spend enough time on the equipment to explain it without going into 'my weapons, let me show you them' mode. And you even explained why Atlas is...Atlas, the characters reacted believable, and the 'solders' aren't inhumane monsters. They have souls, and they are part of a First Encounter (Assault and recon) squad, so they know how to handle themselves in a believable fashion, sufficient "What the hell" and "We need to talk" everywhere. So... Yea, I'm not sure why you wanted me to read it, but I did, and now im tracking, cuz its good.
Reset Password
Resend Verification Email
2
115
202
Joined December 2011
15,658 ( 196,003 )
More
Less
Post Comment
Refresh
I'm currently trying to get one chapter each couple of days 
Image: http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h50/ameryth74/MY%20MACROS%20ETC/SHIT-JUST-GOT-REAL-2.jpg
Image: http://i283.photobucket.com/albums/kk309/Corvolt/shit-just-got-real.jpg
Image: http://i189.photobucket.com/albums/z134/Deathfang_photos/Artwork/EPIC.png
Image: http://i43.tinypic.com/2qs9ts2.jpg
Cancel
Send