• Published 10th Jan 2012
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Appleloosa - Kraken Albatross



Ten years after 'Over a Barrel', Applejack and friends find themselves in a much changed Appleloos

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Chapter 5

Appleloosa
By Kraken Albatross
Chapter 5

By the time Rattletrap made a hasty exit from the Pioneer Central Hotel, the lively nighttime bustle of the townsfolk had all but dissipated. The innkeeper's beady eyes darted apprehensively to every shadowed alleyway and darkened windowsill he came across as he hurried through the quiet town. His inherent paranoia came closer to panic with each step he took. Every ghoulish scenario imaginable ran through the earth pony's mind until he was convinced that an equally macabre fate awaited him at any moment. All it took was the hoot of an owl to send him cowering with a yelp behind a pickle barrel outside of the closed general store. Upon realizing the cause of his terror, the innkeeper angrily reached into the container and flung a wet pickle in the general direction of the hoot.

“Shoo, annoying bird!” he roared as the unlikely projectile impotently bounced off a barber pole several meters away. Realizing his own foolishness, Rattletrap sighed and rubbed his head before dusting himself off and continuing on his way. As his thoughts raced, he began to mutter to himself.

Summoned like some mongrel pup in the dead of night! Exposed to assault by any desperado or monstrosity that might lurk about while the town sleeps... And for what do I risk life and limb? Nothing more than rebuke and unwarranted insults, despite my continuously proven loyalty and diligence!” Rattletrap spat as he flung a hoof through the air in frustration. “And yet... If I ignore his beckoning? A far more gruesome fate awaits me! More gruesome than the demise of the salt fiend Braeburn!” His breathing became coarse and choppy as fear swelled in his eyes, far more horror than any owl’s hoot could evoke. “Therefore... I must choose endless reprimand and humiliation as the lesser of many evils... For there is no evil more heinous than the evil of Black Hill... Damn him!” The innkeeper finished with a stumble as he turned the corner to face The Pearl Saloon.

It was the only lit building on the block and Rattletrap could see darkened silhouettes moving about in the second floor windows. He fumbled for a handkerchief to wipe his damp brow and hurried around the saloon to the back door. He found it unlocked as it always was, for no pony was foolish enough to try to steal from The Pearl, and those that were normally went missing. The instant his shaky hoof pushed in the door, a furious voice, Black's voice, erupted from upstairs.

"I gave you simple fucking instructions for a simple fucking task! How you managed to botch your one duty is beyond my fathoming!"

"Come on, Black! What do you want me to say? You've been chewing me out about this since we found out he had a will!" Gladius' accent was unmistakable. Rattletrap couldn't help but shake his head in begrudging agreement with Hill's assessment of the dim-witted bartender. As he began to quietly slink up the stairs in the empty saloon, a third pony, who he recognized as Big Kahuna, spoke up.

"It's because of your dumb ass that we have ourselves a situation. And when we have a situation that boss has to deal with, boss get's angry. And when he's angry, punk-ass chumps like you get chewed out. I don't know why you'd expect anything different, Gladius! Sure beats a knife to the throat!"

"You were there, too! You could have helped me look! It's bollocks that I have to catch all the flack for this!"

"Listen. It was my job to throw the motherfucker off the ridge. It was your job to find the motherfucker's will."

"But I-"

"Shut the fuck up! Both of you!" Black finally broke up the bickering with a loud sigh. Rattletrap used the momentary silence to announce his presence from the hall.

"Is now a bad time?" he awkwardly called out with a hopeful step backward. He could only dream of the potential response of 'yes' and the excuse to return to the safety of his hotel, away from such hostile environments.

"I called for you. How in the fuck could it be a 'bad time'?! Get in here!" After the roar of a response, Rattletrap immediately and regretfully zipped into the room he had been trying so desperately to avoid. Six eyes zeroed in on him as he fidgeted to once again mop the sweat from his forehead, accompanied by a nervous chuckle.

"Hello, Black. You're looking well. Might the cause be-"

"What did the butch say?"

"...The pegasus?"

"Why do you feel the need to repeat what I've just said back to me in different fucking terms?" The unicorn's glower was enough to send a shiver down the innkeeper's spine.

"She didn't reveal much. Just that she had been invited to Canterlot by Princess Celestia on several occasions in the past..." he answered after an audible gulp.

"And? Was the nature of this invite personal?" The distance between them shrank with several eager paces forward.

"I... don't know. That's all I could garner from our brief exchange. I swear I did everything I could! She expertly evaded my inquiries at every turn as if she was suspicious of my intentions!" Rattletrap's pleading eyes did nothing to temper the molten fury in Black's glare.

"Outmaneuvered by a gimp! You really are a fucking wonder, you know that, Rattletrap?" The saloon keeper gave the earth pony a look of disgust before turning away and pounding a hoof on his desk. "So at the end of the day, we still know nothing concrete about the filly foolers' personal connection to the high and mighty cunt aside from a vague fucking 'invitation'!" A blood vessel bulged on his neck as he downed a full tray of salt that had been waiting on a nearby windowsill. Black Hill seethed as he gazed out at the empty thoroughfare through the dirty glass and tried to focus his swirling thoughts.

"If it's the orchard you want, why not deal with the mares the same way you dealt with the salt fiend, Celestia be damned? I hold the key to the room of two of them and the other two reside on the outskirts of town, away from prying eyes! It shouldn't be too difficult a task for Gladius and Big Kahuna to bushwhack them without detection!" The yellow earth pony's voice cracked as he was swept up into his scheme more than anypony was expecting, violently waving is hoof about to mimic a brutal stabbing.

"My, aren't you a saucy one?!" Gladius chuckled in surprised amusement as the innkeeper struggled catch his breath.

"For real! Check out the big balls on Rattletrap! Little dude is cold blooded!" Big Kahuna nudged the bartender and joined in the laughter.

"You have no fucking clue, do you, Rattletrap? I'm beginning to doubt that you even hear yourself when you open your fucking mouth." Black Hill turned back towards the three in weary frustration. "Believe you me... I, more than any, long for the days when a cut across the throat meant resolution, but that idea is fucking terrible." Rattletrap could only blink at the unicorn.

"But... Murdering the Ponyvillians and conducting a far more thorough search for a will, along with its subsequent destruction, would finally put the orchard up for auction... Which was the intended goal of the original plan, correct?" His pleading eyes searched in vain for some manner of vindication.

"Let's assume assassins as competent as you three manage to slaughter the lot of them without any difficulty. Then let's assume that you don't leave a trail of evidence leading directly to my doorstep that is so fucking glaring, even that imbecile sheriff Muttonchop would be remiss not to notice. So having eluded the gallows, we execute our master stroke and all live happily ever after, rich beyond our wildest dreams!" The patronizing sarcasm in his voice caused Rattletrap's confidence in his idea to shatter. "Is that how this fantasy scenario plays out in your empty fucking skull?" the saloon keeper spat out, the blunt venom returning to his tone.

"I suppose... Well not exactly-"

"So you never even considered why I asked you to help me fucking gauge their connection to Canterlot?!"

"I had merely assumed-"

"Did you then assume that if these cunts were personal fucking friends of the princess, her godliness might be upset to learn of their sudden disappearance? Did you then assume that upon her seeking answers, she might not be as easy to fool as the sheriff, considering that she knows the unsavory fucking lot that we are, having learned that lesson nearly a decade ago when she ran us out of Canterlot?!"

He whisked a salt tray off the desk and sent it flying into a wall, shattering it instantly. All eyes were on Black as he heaved slow, deep breaths. "...So... If you'd prefer that your flesh didn’t get incinerated by the fury of a thousand suns... probably obliterating the whole fucking town in the process... the dykes from Ponyville are not to be harmed. Do you fucking understand me?" He leveled a piercing stare at all three of his wide-eyed subordinates. The room was silent as they wordlessly nodded in obedience. Black sighed, slumping into the seat behind his desk, making sure to smooth out his normally tidy mane, which had become disheveled in the course of his rant. He knew that he had to at least try to calm down once the ratio of 'fucks' to non-profanity became obscene. However, he couldn't help but twitch as the three other stallions simply stared at him.

"Well? Why the fuck are you still here?" He groaned as he reached for another tray of salt, hoping in vain that it might make the ponies in his employ seem at least slightly less idiotic.

"Just one more item to report, sir! A gues-"

"Get the fuck out, Rattletrap..." Black cut the innkeeper off yet again as Gladius and Big Kahuna slipped out, lest they reignite the fury of their boss.

"It's just that one of my guests seems to have come down with the same ailment as that patron of yours did yesterday morning!" The earth pony spoke quickly as he slowly shuffled toward the door. "Horrible red boils! Foul fits of vomiting! Scalding fever! I fear plague..." Rattletrap disappeared behind the doorframe as Black Hill's eyes widened with a gleaming flash.

"Get back in here!" he shouted before a yellow head darted back into the room.

"I just thought you should know..."

"The cocksucker that came down with the 'plague', did you send him to the Doc's?"

"Well, yes. I assumed-"

"You and your fucking assumptions..." The saloon keeper rolled his eyes and bit his lip in frustration. "...Regardless, I want you to stop by Nevermore's first thing in the morning."

"Doctor Nevermore doesn't like me! He always makes a point to mock and belittle me, no matter how cordial I try to be!"

"We wouldn't want your feelings to get hurt, would we?..." He smacked his forehead with a hoof, bringing it down over his face. "Nevermind. I'll send Gladius." He shook off his disbelief and rose from his seat with renewed animation, an incredibly pleased look on his face.

"...To what purpose?" Rattletrap could not contain his curiosity in Black Hill's sudden shift in disposition.

"You'll learn soon enough... Now get the fuck out."

-------------

"Another tray, Braeburn, ol' chum?"

"You always know just what I need, Gladius..." slurred a yellow stallion that was slumped over the bar, too far gone to even lift his head, a filthy wide-brimmed hat drooping over his bloodshot eyes. Such a scenario had become a nightly routine in recent years, so much so that the earth pony was becoming unfamiliar with any part of town that was not The Pearl.

"Not like it's any fuckin' accomplishment to guess that just what a salt fiend needs... is more fucking salt..." A greasy haired unicorn strode up beside the patron amidst the noisy saloon crowd and rolled his eyes.

"Only you would judge me and my... personal habits as I fill your coffers with hard earned bits..." Braeburn shook a dismissive hoof as he stuck out his tongue to lap at the salt cubes in front of him, nodding along to the piano.

"Generally when I conduct business with other ponies, I expect them to be at least moderately fucking sober." He smacked the tray off the bar and gave Gladius a stern nod. "He's cut off. I can't have him passing out in the middle of negotiations." The horror in Braeburn's eyes multiplied as each cube of salt fell to the ground and scattered across the room.

"Noooo!!!!" Braeburn yelled as he heaved off the barstool in a heroic attempt to leap to the salt's rescue, but instead fell squarely on his face with a loud thud.

"Oh, for fuck's sake! Get the fuck up, you loopy cunt!" Black gave an aggravated sigh before hoisting the yellow pony off the floor with his magic and placing him back on the stool.

"Don't worry so much! I'm okay! I'm okay! All in one piece!" He swiveled around erratically to face the saloon keeper with a sloppy smile.

"Have you even considered my offer?" Black's steely expression betrayed that he was clearly unamused by the shenanigans.

Braeburn took a moment to process the question, bringing a hoof to his chin in serious concentration. When he finally comprehended what was asked and actually remembered the offer, his eyebrows suddenly furrowed and he reached out to poke Black in the chest. "...You think you're so great, dontcha?"

"...What?"

"The mighty Black Hill thinks he can take my orchard away from me, even though he knows it's all I have left!"

"At a fair price that nopony else would even dream of paying, after you ran that shitshow of an operation into the fucking ground!"

"Then what would I do, huh?!"

"Buy enough salt to finally fill the emptiness in your soul? I don't fucking know, and that really is none of my concern. You should be fucking grateful that I'm willing to pay you as much as I am."

"You can’t have everything Black. Everypony thinks I’m so stupid! ‘Who cares what Braeburn thinks?! He’s an idiot!' Well let me tell you something, mister... I was one of the first settlers to Aaaaaaaapleloosa! My family named the town, and now you’re tryin’ to buy me out! Well, I’m not stupid enough to miss the glow of your horn in the hills my of my orchard at night! What were you doin’ up there?!”

The unicorn’s expression went from bewildered exasperation at a drunkard’s harmless ramblings to deadly composure in an instant. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Have you ever considered that it might be the salt, fucking with your head as it so often does?”

“I know what I saw and I even know why you want my orchard so bad. You were lookin’ for gems and you must have found em!”

“...Accept the offer, Braeburn.” Although Black Hill’s mouth gave away no emotion whatsoever, his cold and calculating eyes behind the command made even Gladius uncomfortable. The burgundy earth pony looked back and forth between his employer and his regular and chuckled nervously.

“I think you should listen to him. You’re not think-”

“No! Not this time! It’s my property and I’m gonna be the one to get rich off it! And if you try to use any of your fancy business tricks to swindle me out of my own property, forget it! I’m gonna ask my cousin Applejack to help me, and she is a close friend of Twilight Sparkle. You may have heard of her. She's only Princess Celestia’s advisor! So don’t even try nothin’! Ya hear me?! Nothin'! Good day, sir!” Braeburn dramatically kicked over his stool and headed toward the door, with a few wobbles in his step. Black gave one look toward the piano and the music stopped. Big Kahuna intercepted the earth pony at the exit and put a friendly hoof on his shoulder.

“Hold up, Braeburn. You aren’t looking too hot. How much salt have you had, dude?”

“I dunno. Lost track a few hours ago...” Braeburn’s head drooped as the adrenaline from his conversation with Black began to wear off and his stupor reclaimed him.

“Why don’t I walk you home, make sure you don’t hurt yourself or anything unfortunate like that?” The piano player’s bright white teeth gleamed as he grinned. Braeburn thought for a moment, acknowledging that he had to be escorted to his farmhouse many times in the past.

“Well sure, I guess... Thanks kindly..." He gratefully, if not awkwardly, patted the pegasus' wing, before slumping forward into him.

"No problemo! Just gotta clear it with the big guy first. You understand." After pushing off Braeburn, he made his way toward the bar, his eyes fixed on Black's emotionless face. Big Kahuna offered his boss a subtle ear, and without so much as a blink, in a hushed voice devoid of any emphasis, Black Hill gave the order.

"Make it look like an accident."