Night is a different type of pony. He is a Lunar Guard and a gamer. And a thief? Not many could have figured that out. Anyways, this story isn't about him being a thief. It's about him playing games. More specifically, Equestrian Earth. He might meet new friends, kill digital bad guys, and probably get caught about his crimes. I said might. So he might not make friends.
Spin off of ChaoticNote's Equestrian Earth the MMORPG
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"Rape! Eye Rape!" It's certainly been a while since I've heard that one. Made me chuckle. Good start you have here. I noticed a few slight grammatical errors (and I think one or two mistaken words), but your writing has certainly improved from the last story you posted.
Were you planning on following my continuity? I'd hate to force your character to do stuff that you don't want to write about.
2165525
I was. And if you could point out the mistakes, that would be helpful
2165529 Alrighty. Lemme give it another look-through and see what I can find. It's almost midnight, so I might still miss a few things (there's a reason I don't proofread my own work until the morning) but I should still catch a lot of them.
While I am picking this sentence out as a specific example, I'm seeing this in your writing consistently where you refer to things in the Present Pense. Usually when writing a story you write in the Past Tense, which would turn this sentence into-
Notice I also added an "and" after the comma, to better smooth the transition between the two complete ideas that you had stated. Without the "and" a comma wouldn't be the right punctuation to use. Since you were connecting two independent clauses without using and, as, or, or any of the other bridging words, a semicolon (;) would be appropriate here.
The above correction to your sentence isn't the only way that it can be done. You could keep the present tense on the second verb, "covering" as long as you transition the first verb "billowing" to past tense. The reason for this is, since you have the first verb as past tense it sets the tense for the entire sentence, allowing you to connect other phrases using present tense verbs. This can add some variety to your writing if you are writing out an action sequence.
Of course, I'm not done proofreading yet. More to come eventually. This was just an FYI to help you become a better writer.
Wow! You FINALLY got around to this! :D *gets his reading gear ready as he begins*
Edit: good~ REALLY good! Can't wait to see more! :3
2165617
Thank you VERY much
2165949
I'm not sure when I can upload the next chapter
Like it so far. Can't wait to see where this goes.
...Hehe. Tree ponies.
2173464
I'll fix it
Great story so far! I'm definitely going to be watching this!
)
Your OC sounds vaguely familiar to mine... similar name too, hell mine is Night Air, and he's a Solar Guard (couldn't make the Lunar Guard
And given from what the description of the story is, I presume Night Stalker is going to be a thief in the game?
Another weird coincidence, I was planning on writing an Equestrian Earth story with my OC as an assassin.
Honestly, I've never seen your work before and the coincidence between the our two OC's strike me... Want to do a crossover or something?
2186833
Sure I guess. And I just came up with mine on the spot.
2187552 Cool, I'll PM you about it.