My Little Mission: Sneaking is Magic

by DoctorSpectrum

Chapter Two: Look Before You Sneak

My feeling of anxiety changed into that of confusion. If this was an attempt on the part of Psycho Mantis to baffle me, then it was working. I squinted my eyes, still trying to work out how this… Pinkie Pie… was fitting into the box with me. After I failed to provide an answer to Pinkie’s question, the high-pitched, somewhat squeaky voice continued to talk.

“Bit of a quiet one, huh? That’s what Twi was like when she first arrived here in Ponyville! But then I threw her this really cool party, and we went to the Summer Sun Celebration, before we went into the Everfree Forest on an adventure! And then we found the Elements of Harmony and stopped Nightmare Moon and met Princess Celestia and Princess Luna! Cool, huh? But it wasn’t just us two, it was my other friends too! Well, I mean, I’m friends with everypony, but these were my best friends that we went on the adventure with! Oh, and we met a sea serpent, and Dashie met the Shadowbolts, and, and –”

The voice kept speaking faster and faster as it went on. Whoever this Pinkie was, she (I assumed it was a she from the voice) was causing my cardboard box to lift higher and higher with every word, almost as if she was bouncing up and down as she talked. I growled, sure that she would blow my cover before I could find out anything about where I was. In one swift movement, I pushed the box off the two of us, whilst drawing my SOCOM with my other hand to aim at her. At least, that’s what I was planning on doing, before I saw who Pinkie Pie was.

In front of me, bouncing up and down in glee, was… a pony. A bright pink one, with a thick messed up mane and tail, almost embodying the very idea of chaos. Although it was hard to see with her frantic bouncing, she seemed to have some sort of multi-coloured mark on the upper part of her back legs, but I couldn’t make it out with her speed. All I make out of it was that it was blue and yellow.

“ – and then Twi got tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala, and I was super-duper excited becau- hey, you’re not a pony!” Pinkie Pie said as she saw me, fully visible now that I was out of the box. The thought of reaching for my SOCOM had completely dropped from my mind, as I was completely stunned at seeing whom my mysterious visitor had been. Pinkie went silent for a moment, and stood still on the spot as she looked over my messy brown hair, headband, stubble, and black sneaking suit. Then she went back to talking, even faster and more excited than before.

“You’re a human! Oh, Twilight’s told me all about humans! She read about them in some of her books! And then she wanted me to read this book which she thought I would like, but I accidentally knocked over her bookshelf, so I had to help her pick up the books but instead I helped her build a book fortress! I wish you could have been there, it was so fun! And then we got hungry so we went and bought-”

I ignored Pinkie’s gushing as I drew out my SOCOM and pointed it at her. I had gotten over my moment of confusion, and I had worked out what was going on. It was the only explanation which made sense.

“Give it up, Octopus. That may be the most elaborate… if unnecessary… disguise that you’ve ever used, but I can see right through you.” I was certain that Decoy Octopus, the master of impersonation from FOXHOUND, had disguised himself as this pony… even if I couldn’t work out why he would do such a thing. Rather than freezing, however, my target fell down in roars of laughter.

“I’m – not – an – octopus – silly!” Pinkie gasped, struggling to speak in-between breaths. She was literally rolling around with laughter, having found my accusation much more hilarious than I had imagined. As I watched her happy giggling, I slowly started to believe that she was what she seemed to be. For one thing, Octopus disguising himself as a pony would make no sense. For another, in spite of his legendary impersonation skills, I failed to see how he would be able to make his mass the size and shape of Pinkie Pie.

As that thought went through my mind, I wondered how Octopus would pass himself off as a person shorter than himself, before brushing it off as unimportant. Still, I wasn’t completely convinced that this sentient, English-speaking pony wasn’t a person in disguise, and so I kept my gun aimed at Pinkie.

“I admire your ingenuity, but the fact that this disguise is so perfect is what betrays you, Octop-” It was no use. As soon as I started to say the name “Octopus”, Pinkie erupted into another fit of giggling, just as she had started to calm down from the first one. After a moment of thinking, I sighed and put my gun away. If this really was Decoy Octopus, I’d rather be captured or killed than have to sit through this inane laughter.

I was starting to walk away, planning on finding another resident of…wherever I was…. when I heard Pinkie calling out from behind me. “Wait! Don’t go!” I turned around to see that she had stopped laughing so uncontrollably, although she was still lying on the ground.

“What is it?” I asked, tensing myself for a sudden fight.

“I can show you around Ponyville if you like!” Pinkie said cheerfully. As she said so, she picked herself up from the ground and… well, the only way to describe her movements towards me is with the word bounced. Pinkie bounced over to me, as if her hooves had springs attached to the bottom of them. I considered her offer for a moment.

“Yeah. Sure,” I replied. As much as I hated to admit it, I was in strange territory here, and had no idea where I was or what could happen. If Pinkie Pie was anything to go by, this place could be filled with… anything, really. For now, I needed a guide.

“Okey dokey lokey!” Pinkie replied, smiling at me. She was somewhat uncomfortably close to me now, apparently never having heard of personal space. I tapped one of my pouches to make sure that I had access to my gun, should we encounter any adversaries.

“Let’s go,” I said. I still had a mission to complete on Shadow Moses, and the sooner that I could find out where I was, the sooner I would be able to leave and return to my mission. Really, I was the only person who could stop my brother Liquid Snake and his group FOXHOUND from launching a nuclear strike against the United States.

“Okay,” said Pinkie Pie cheerfully, unaware of my current thoughts, and how much they likely contrasted with hers. “Just follow me, uh… what’s your name, anyway?” she asked curiously.

“Snake,” I answered instinctively. A moment later I found myself regretting it, as once more Pinkie had fallen to the ground, and was laughing her hooves off at my codename.

===================

Several years ago, I had been sent to the small nation of Zanzibar Land to carry out an infiltration, just as I was now supposed to be doing with Shadow Moses. Whilst there, I had faced an infamous mercenary known as Running Man, who planned to defeat me through a combination of his physical speed and toxic gas. In the end, I had managed to defeat him using some landmines, and had thought that he was one of the fastest people whom I would ever meet.

In hindsight, I can see why I would think so, having never expected to meet Pinkie Pie in my lifetime. This pony just didn’t seem able to stay still! As we walked through the town, which I had discovered was called Ponyville, Pinkie would rush from one place to another, as if worried that I would get bored if she didn’t show me something new every five seconds.

“Ooh, and this over here is Sugarcube Corner! I work there with the Cakes, and I – no, wait, I have to show you the Ponyville town hall! You see how it’s damaged? Applejack was planning on – wait! I can tell you that story later, this is more important! You see how Berry Punch’s house looks like it’s been torn out of the ground? It was all because Big Macintosh and Cheerilee– no, waitaminute, I haven’t even shown you where Fluttershy lives yet!”

“Huh?” I grunted, only vaguely paying attention to the places she showed me. I wanted to be out of here as soon as possible, and wasn’t worrying too much about the scenery. I still had a mission to get to. Pinkie stopped where she was and gave me a quizzical look.

“What do you mean, huh? Does this mean that I have to show you everything again?!” she cried out despairingly. I couldn’t tell whether she herself was getting tired of the tour she was giving me, or whether she was disappointed that I hadn’t been paying attention.

“No, it’s fine, Pinkie,” I reassured her. “Tell me, could you take me to that friend of yours? The one who you said knew about humans?” I was hoping that this friend of Pinkie’s would be able to find a way to send me home. So far, most other ponies, which appeared to be the dominant life form in this place, were avoiding me. I suspected that humans were probably just as mythical and unheard of here as talking, multi-coloured ponies were to me.

“Ooh, you mean Twilight? Good idea! I haven’t even shown you the library yet!” Pinkie said before bouncing off again. I followed her, hoping with all my might that this Twilight friend of Pinkie’s would have some clue of how to send me back to Shadow Moses. Although that being said, if Twilight was anything like Pinkie, I’d probably end up given another tour of town, or being laughed at for another half hour.

“Hey Snake, do you like music?” Pinkie asked, having stopped bouncing along for long enough that I had caught up to her. Instead, she was walking like a normal pony presumably would.

“Do I like… music?” I repeated. It was the first relatively normal thing that she had said, leaving me baffled. Maybe she wasn’t as chaotic as she appeared on the outside. “Yeah, I suppose- ” I started, before I was interrupted by her.

“Good!” she cheered as she started bouncing again, this time in circles around me. I kept on walking in the direction we had been heading, hoping that we were close to Twilight’s house. As she bounced, she spontaneously burst into song.

“Snake is here in Ponyville, whoopee, whoopee!
He’s a human looking for a unicorn pony, pony!
Head over to that big ancient oak tree, oak tree!
It’s where Twily lives in her libraryyyyy!”

Although I had found it somewhat awkward at first, as it made me feel as though I was an outcast here (which I supposed I was, technically), I suddenly found myself grateful for the lack of other Ponyville residents approaching us. Even if Twilight could send me back home... even if I would never see any of them again… nothing would stop the embarrassment which I would be feeling if they saw me with this crazy, pink pony singing directions to me.

Nevertheless, I followed Pinkie’s instructions, and headed over to a large tree, with a sign with a picture of a book outside it. Unlike most trees, this one had a door built (or grown?) into it, and it had several windows. In addition, there were several balconies which I could see on the higher levels. Clearly, this tree had been either modified somehow, or grown specifically for ponies to live in.

As I was about to reach out a hand to knock on the door, Pinkie suddenly zoomed out under my outstretched arm and to the door, and beat me to it.

“Twilight! Twilight! You’ll never guess what I have here!” she called out excitedly. Great, I’m Pinkie’s item to show off to other ponies now, I thought. The sound of hooves walking across the floor came from inside the tree.

“Is it more of those zebra fireworks you bought in Canterlot?” a voice spoke, sounding half-sarcastic, half-interested. The door opened, and I found myself looking at a light purple pony who was about the same size as Pinkie Pie. Her most notable feature was a horn coming out from somewhere behind her dark purple mane, which I supposed made her a unicorn. Whilst I was taking note of her appearance, I noticed a star-like mark on both of her upper back legs, in roughly the same position as Pinkie’s blue-and-yellow mark which I couldn’t see properly. Is this some sort of tattoo they get? I wondered.

Upon seeing me, Twilight’s mouth dropped open. I inwardly breathed a sigh of relief, as she seemed at least somewhat more sensible than Pinkie had been, if more shocked. As she took me in, likely comparing me to whatever tales of humans she had heard before, Pinkie danced around me once more, happily gushing once more. “It’s a human! You thought that they were just old mares’ tales, but I knew that they existed and that they wanted to come to Equestria!”

“Pinkie…” Twilight started, still somewhat shocked. “Have you been messing with- with that wall again?” she asked, sounding concerned now. I had no idea what she was on about, but judging by her words, it seemed as though Pinkie was just as every bit chaotic and random as my first impression of her had been.

“Nope! I found him on the outskirts of town!” Pinkie said cheerfully, still bouncing in circles. “He was playing hide-and-seek in this silly box, but I found him, and then he called me an octopus!” She stopped bouncing for a moment to stop and look at Twilight seriously. “I mean, can you imagine it? Me, an octopus?!” The very thought of such a thing sent Pinkie into another fit of laughter. “He’s so funny!” she roared.

“The name’s Snake,” I introduced myself. By now, Twilight seemed to have pulled herself mostly together, and was looking excited at the prospect of talking to a human. “It’s not quite like that, but the important thing is that I’m stuck here in Ponyville. Pinkie mentioned that you’ve heard of humans. Can you think of a way to send me back home?” I wanted to get the point, and not stick around for any longer than necessary. I still needed to stop FOXHOUND’s nuclear threat.

“What’s going on?” Twilight asked, interested.

“Twilight, you’ve got to listen to me!” I had to get back right away, and if being abrupt and rude was the way to do so, I would.

“Who are you? I mean, you're human! How can there be a human in Equestria? It's not scientifically possible. You are not scientifically possible!” Twilight asked me, ignoring my words in favour of her own. I grunted in displeasure.

“Please, Twilight, this is important!” I was beginning to get annoyed now. Fortunately, Twilight seemed to realise, and restrained herself long enough to listen to me.

“Okay. What is it?” she asked, seriously now.

“I’ve come into your world by accident, and I have to get back to mine. I’ve got an important mission to complete, and I’ve only got a limited amount of time to do so.” I decided not to go into the specifics of the threat, nor the fact that this could all be taking place in my head thanks to Psycho Mantis’ powers. “Have you ever heard of a way to send a human back to their world? Or done so?” I doubted the last part, but it was worth a shot.

Twilight shook her head sadly. “I’m sure I’ve read of a way in one of my books…” she started.

“Good. How soon could you send me back? I need to go right away.”

“…but, well I’ve lost track of it.” Upon hearing this, I glared at her a bit, angry at her incompetence.

“How could you lose track of something like that?” I asked. Twilight gestured with a hoof for me to come inside her house.

“Well…” she started as I walked through, with Pinkie bouncing through behind me. She seemed content to listen to our conversation, probably hoping that I would make another “hilarious” joke. “…I have a lot of books,” Twilight admitted awkwardly.

I took a look around the room. Even with the quick glance I was giving everything, I could see that the walls may as well have been made of books thanks to the extent with which they were packed tightly into the bookshelves. There must have been thousands of books there, and this was just in this room! I could see a staircase leading upwards to another floor, where I was certain there would be even more books.

“You mean there’s no chance of me returning home?” I asked her slowly, as I realised how impossible a task I was asking. Once more, Twilight shook her head.

“No, it’s not impossible,” she said hopefully. “It’s just going to take… really, really long to find the right spell,” she admitted, not meeting my eye. Although I could see that she definitely wanted to help me, I couldn’t help but feel frustrated.

“How long? You did hear that I have a limited amount of time to return, didn’t you?” I asked, trying to keep my anger in check. I had lost track of time, and had no idea how long there was until FOXHOUND’s deadline ran out. To my surprise, Twilight didn’t seem fazed by this.

“Actually, that’s not entirely true. You’re obviously from a different universe to this one, and from what I’ve learned of time dilation – believe me, I learned a lot about time a little while back – your universe will probably have different rules to this one. So relative to Equestria, time may have slowed down or even stopped back in your universe!” She gave a reassuring smile to me.

May have slowed down? That’s not good enough! I silently thought. As I went over our conversation in my head, I realised that I would probably simply have to stay in Ponyville whilst Twilight tried to find the spell to transport me back to Shadow Moses… for however long that would take.

I sighed. It wasn’t a perfect solution, but what other choice did I have? “Time may have slowed down?” I repeated back to her.

“Yes, it may have,” she replied, giving me a funny look. I sighed, knowing now that my only hope of stopping FOXHOUND lay with this piece of information.

“So, Twilight, I’m guessing that you’ll help me get back to my world?” I asked, just to confirm. She nodded, smiling. “Good. Until then, is there anything I can do?” Twilight thought for a moment.

“I suppose that you should find a place to stay, introduce yourself to some of the town ponies so that they don’t freak out whenever they see you… and otherwise just kill time,” Twilight suggested. As she finished talking, I hear what sounded like an explosion of fireworks behind me. However, when I turned around, all that was there was Pinkie Pie, bouncing up and down on the spot in glee.

“Ooh! Ooh! Snake! Do you want to stay with me?! I live at Sugarcube Corner! It’s so fun! We can stay up all night eating cake and playing games and then go downstairs and eat cupcakes- Do you like cupcakes?! They’re so amazing! I can teach you to make them if you don’t know! All you have to do is take a cup of –” I held up my hand to silence Pinkie, who to my surprise quietened immediately.

“Thanks, Pinkie, but I’ll have to decline that offer,” I replied. There was no way that I was going to stay with this… spirit of chaos. I turned to Twilight. “Twilight, do you have a spare room or bed here I could stay in?” I asked. This library seemed more peaceful than… well, than wherever Pinkie was going to be. And if the reactions of the town ponies to me were anything to go by, I may not be welcome anywhere else, at least not until I had introduced myself and explained my presence.

“Of course I do!” Twilight said brightly. “There’s a spare bed upstairs – I just hope that you don’t mind a baby dragon sleeping in the same room.” I looked to Pinkie, but she had no outside reaction. Baby dragon? Surely she’s joking, I wondered.

I looked around the room, which would be my home for an indefinite length of time. I just wanted to return to my mission at the moment, but for now, I was stuck here. I grimaced, then turned to Twilight.

“Alright, Twilight. Sounds like this will have to do.” At this, Twilight suddenly started tapping her forehooves together in excitement. It looked like she still was somewhat excited at the prospect of meeting a human for the first time, and couldn’t contain it anymore.

“Hurray, slumber party!”

I grimaced. This was going to be a long stay.

Comments

[Mattricole]

Pretty good story, at least it seems Snake's in character. Keep up the good work.

[Celestias Paladin]

I'm trying very hard not to crack up at the sight of Snake being dragged across town by Pinkie

[suijin228]

pinkie pie laughing at being called an octopus... Laughing Octopus reference?

[DoctorSpectrum]

1784173
Metal Gear Solid 4 is the only Metal Gear Solid game I haven't played, so I wasn't even thinking about this when I wrote it (although I have heard of the character). I'll retroactively claim that I was though, that's a nice point you make!

[really pathetic]

why is snake not a pony?

[WardenGage]

2224828
Noone likes pony snake, that's why.

[trickypentagram]

2224828 because ponies can't hold cigars

[War-Mercer]

2224828 Can you imagine trying to perform CQC as a quadruped?

[Godiswithus3]

Geez, I feel bad for Snake. lol.

[Unit 26-Fe]

I've sent you to land of ponies, BRRRRRROTHER.38.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3khlmpylO1r34fszo1_400.gif