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Slumber parties can be a blast... but they can also lead to awkward situations.
I know, it's "just another AppleDash fic"... you probably know how it's gonna end. What you never know is how you get there. That's what usually makes a fic interesting.
Let's explore some thoughts together.
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Thank you, TheShadow, Proofreader of Coolness, Awesomeness and Radicalness!!
Applejack image by Superstar4071
Sir or madam . . . out of all the fics I've read- this one has to be-
I'll give you a track. Good work on a good first chapter.
Tentatively rating it 2.5 for now. It's not bad, not spectacular, but I think the story's hurt by the way you approached some of the details. Though I like stories that start with a bit of dialogue to grab the readers' attention, the omission of the comment Rainbow Dash made which threw Applejack off really does make the scene confusing. At the very least the reader doesn't have any context in which to understand why Applejack's reaction is justified.
Though it's obvious what you're getting at, I do think you are in the right track by not outright saying what is going on but showing something is up and dropping a bit hint towards the end of the first chapter. Even though you stated outright it's an AppleDash fic in the synopsis this is a good way of building narrative suspense and throwing a hook into the story to get people asking what happened. Though again there's some awkwardness in this approach. We find out something is wrong with Applejack because Applebloom asks her outright. It's probably more effective to show Applejack going about her daily activities and describing the outward signs that something is bothering her like being easily distracted, staring off into the distance, etc. Besides the old "show don't tell rule" it would make the discussion with Applebloom feel like a more natural part of the story.
In any case I hope that at the very least you find my feedback useful for shaping future chapters or stories.
Hm, okay! ^^ I didn't expect you guys to like it that much!
I'll write chapter 3 tonight.
I just noticed that some words that were in italics were not copied well... for example, that last sentence had a "not" in italics. It's not highly important, but I like adding a bit of emphasis on some words. :) I'll have to check chapter 1 as well.
I'll try and drum up more substantive comments later, though I now I can see why the first chapter started so abruptly. If nothing else you seem to be handling the situation in manner that's rather appropriate for AppleDash: comic with lots of awkward tension.
I'm really enjoying the fic, especially the way Rainbow Dash is about the clouds and whatnot. As a suggestion, I would be more careful about tense agreement. Since you're writing in the past tense, you would say, "The remaining ones were Big Mac’s share of the chore", rather than, "The remaining ones are Big Mac’s share of the chore." Just a small detail, really.
Thanks for the feedback!
Yes, many ponies told me that I switch from past to present tense in some parts of the story. Sorry about that. English is not my first language and it's sometimes difficult to translate some stuff, especially since in my language that kind of switch is less noticeable and actually quite common in books. I'll do my best to avoid it though. :D
Working on chapter 4 now. Just as a tiny mention, I would NEVER release a chapter unless I am 100% pleased with it. So far, so good. :)
Edge of my seat, Will, edge of my seat.
You seem to have a knack for the teasy-tease, and that is good, and I wish I could do it. Maybe someday. In the mean time, I have to say this is a very enjoyable reading experience, and I am looking forward to more appledashie goodness.
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