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DalTRS

Joined November 2012
265 followers

Poni

Sequels

  • Her Happily Ever After
    It has been almost a century since Twilight and her friends had discovered their destiny, and Celestia has been wracked with constant regret over the fate she has condemned her friends to. Luna looks to those very ponies to help Celestia smile again.

    4,664 words · 6,739 views · 642 likes · 7 dislikes
  • When Stars Dream
    Twilight Sparkle is embarking on a new path in her life, and Luna is there to guide her to the right one. At long last, it is time for the Stars to come home.

    6,825 words · 3,285 views · 324 likes · 4 dislikes

Stories (4)

  • Her Happily Ever After
    It has been almost a century since Twilight and her friends had discovered their destiny, and Celestia has been wracked with constant regret over the fate she has condemned her friends to. Luna looks to those very ponies to help Celestia smile again.

    4,664 words · 6,739 views · 642 likes · 7 dislikes
  • A Tale of the Sun, Moon, and Stars
    Follow the tale of three divine sisters as they struggle to maintain harmony across the land.
    4,546 words · 10,163 views · 867 likes · 11 dislikes
  • When Stars Dream
    Twilight Sparkle is embarking on a new path in her life, and Luna is there to guide her to the right one. At long last, it is time for the Stars to come home.
    6,825 words · 3,285 views · 324 likes · 4 dislikes
  • Through Ice and Shadow
    Love and Hope once shone bright from a gleaming crystal city, only to be lost to the evils of indifference and despair. This is a tale of the leaders who built that empire, and the two newly weds who are about to realize their destiny reclaiming it.
    31,926 words · 556 views · 44 likes · 0 dislikes

Blog Posts (38)

Source

Three divine sisters, The Sun, Moon, and Stars, have reigned over the heavens and earth since time immemorial. This is a tale of their greatest hardships and triumphs as challenges unforeseen seek to ruin the world they have created for their beloved ponies.


Featured on Equestria Daily!

Cover art provided by the talented NoOneBahtim.

Be sure to check out the sequels: Her Happily Ever After, and When Stars Dream!


First Published
24th Nov 2012
Last Modified
24th Nov 2012

Comments ( 102 )

#1 · 92w, 3d ago · · ·

This is the first story I have written in a very long time, and I hope you enjoy it!

A special thanks to the Faithful Librarians at The Round Stable. Without them, I would never have been interested in My Little Pony fanfics.

Bok
#2 · 92w, 2d ago · 7 · ·

Welcome to horsie fanfics.

YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE.

#4 · 92w, 2d ago · · ·

.... Urk, right in the feels! :pinkiesad2:

Great story! Even though I figured out the plot ahead of time, it was still an enjoyable read. :pinkiehappy:

Good show sir! Upvoted, favorited and watched! :moustache:

#5 · 92w, 2d ago · · ·

It's good to see the finished work, at last. Not sure I'd call myself your "editor", though. I'm just someone who could lend a hand.

#6 · 92w, 2d ago · · ·

make a sequel ? :fluttershysad: please ?

#7 · 92w, 2d ago · · ·

Well done. Have a thumb.

#8 · 92w, 2d ago · · ·

Wow, fuck this system. Seriously. How this got featured over mine doesn't make any sense logically. Not denying it's a good story, but it's gotten less likes, favorites and views, it's lower down the rung...

FUCK

tl;dr: I'm a brat. This was a good story. Upvote.

#9 · 92w, 2d ago · · ·

Good, but a little hard to read.

New speaker, new line. That would make it better in my opinion

#10 · 92w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1673262

Thanks for the tip! I appreciate any help I can get to improve my writing.

>>1673216

Watch the show for the sequel! :pinkiehappy: I do have ideas for an epilogue floating around in my head though!

Bok
#11 · 92w, 1d ago · · ·

Goddamn, Dal. First fic you submit and it gets in the feature box. Way to go!

#12 · 92w, 1d ago · · ·

pls moaaaaaaaaar:pinkiegasp:

#13 · 92w, 1d ago · · ·

I actualy like the way this story has explained so well why twilight is an alicorn

compared to other stories where she just randomly becomes one:twilightsmile:

#14 · 92w, 1d ago · · ·

Ooooh, you know pzeper and Westy? Interesting backstory you have there, by the way. The bearers are all alicorns now?

Also, on top of keeping new speakers on a separate paragraph, try to break up the recount into smaller paragraphs. My general recommendation (to myself and others) is no more than 4 or 5 lines per paragraph.

#15 · 92w, 1d ago · · ·

Thumbed and stared, Head-cannon amended. Also, Why is this titled chapter 1 if the story is listed as complete?

#16 · 92w, 1d ago · · ·

My recommendation is that you get this properly proofread.

There are many punctuation errors and grammar mistakes, including the common, "There, they're and their" mistakes.

The first couple of paragraphs feel rushed.  I suggest you fix that.

Some of the sentence structuring and wording is awkward, and interrupts the flow of the story, making it sound choppy and unfinished.

Otherwise, great story!  I enjoyed it quite a bit.:raritywink:

#17 · 92w, 1d ago · · ·

:heart:

You can have 5 mustaches :moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache: and one angelic Scootaloo :scootangel:

#18 · 92w, 1d ago · · ·

Dont title it Ch.1 if it's a oneshot, I got my hopes up there for nothing.:fluttercry:

#19 · 92w, 1d ago · · ·

besides the obvious new speaker, new line, it would be much nicer if it was broken up to convey each change in the story. Walls of text are hard to look at. I love the twist at the end though.

#20 · 92w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1674398

I disagree. It's a short story, adding useless line breaks would mess with the pacing and tone. There are some places for improvement regarding transitions, but the answer is not to hit the reader over the head with big visual clues.

Nice story, short, to the point, complete. I'm glad to see this made feature box.

#21 · 92w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1674409 well that's your opinion, but I'm just saying that line breaks would make it easier to read, is all. I find huge walls of text a bit of a turnoff in any story I read (I guess that's why I disliked the chapters of Ulysses that used them more than the ones that didn't) , and making the line breaks at all important junctures in the story instead of just at the points where something new happens to the Alicorn sisters would have made it seem less dense. But as the God-King of beating things over his readers' heads, I guess that's to be expected of me. :twilightblush:

#22 · 92w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1674409 also I just noticed your profile image. Hitchiker's Guide is an amazing series

#23 · 92w, 1d ago · 1 · ·

Hooray! Twilight as one of the three sisters! ='^.^'=

#24 · 92w, 1d ago · · ·

subtlety

Might want to change that to subtly so that the starts aren't teaching the sun and moon how to be subtle, and more shaping them quietly without them knowing.

Good read, started off with on idea about how the story was going to run, read a bit further and got another idea about it. Just a nice quick read all in all.

#25 · 92w, 1d ago · · ·

I think that adding paragraph breaks is an absolute must. What you have here is a wall of text.

#26 · 92w, 1d ago · · 1 ·

>>1673260 Dont be jealous. I still liked Pewdiepie in Equestria and If Smosh Were Ponies better than this! I have a messed up sense of humor...

#27 · 92w, 1d ago · · ·
#28 · 92w, 1d ago · · ·

Holy horseapples! I can't even begin to describe how much I love this! :pinkiehappy:

#29 · 92w, 1d ago · · ·

Thanks everyone! I'm glad you guys liked the story. I'm also happy about the tips you guys keep leaving, you have no idea how much that helps. :pinkiesad2:

#30 · 92w, 1d ago · · ·

the feels are strong in this one.:heart:

#31 · 92w, 1d ago · · ·

Pre... Sequel :applejackconfused:

Either way, it was made of epic, and combined with the direction S3 seems to be taking this is my new head canon.

#32 · 92w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1675646 No thanks required for saying the truth!

#33 · 92w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1673964

Again, thanks for the tips!

For you questions about the rest of the mane six being alicorns, I wasn't envisioning them in that way. I think Meghan McCarthy said in a recent interview that alicorns being in positions of power wasn't a coincidence. So I took that to mean only those born with the right to rule had horns and wings. I'll explain the rest in a bonus chapter/epilogue when I get the time to hammer one out. I may also get around to writing another story that covers an intentional hole left in this story.

#34 · 92w, 1d ago · 2 · ·

>>1670873 Why would any normal, insane person want to?:pinkiecrazy:

#35 · 92w, 1d ago · · ·

I like this head-canon, it makes a lot of sense! :pinkiehappy:

>>1670873 Ponies are like a drug, once you taste them, you crave for more! :pinkiecrazy:

#36 · 92w, 1d ago · · ·

The writing in this story is a bit rough, but it's brimming with wonderful ideas. Your idea about why and how the Elements turned to stone is very similar to my head-canon, but you've woven it together with other elements of the show in ways I never considered. Awesome! :rainbowkiss:

"On the longest day of the thousandth year, the Stars will aid in her escape." That line suddenly makes a lot more sense with one small change in capitalization.

An ear splitting echoed through out the heavens.

This is the part of the comment where I put on my Grammar Police hat. :twilightsheepish: Unless the sound of actual ears being split echoed through the heavens (ew), "ear-splitting" should be hyphenated and followed by a noun ("scream"?). Also, "throughout" is one word. In the sentence that follows that one, "magic-using" should be hyphenated as well.

As others have pointed out, your paragraph structure could use work. You also have some run-on sentences that could either be punctuated better or broken up into shorter sentences.

In fiction writing, though, it doesn't always pay to slavishly follow the rules of grammar. Doing so can make your writing feel stiff and academic. You still need to know the rules, but you also need to know when to break them. I'd suggest reading some of your favorite authors, and paying attention to how they both use and break grammar rules to achieve powerful effects with their prose. And keep writing. Practice makes perfect, and if this story is any indication you have some great ideas to practice with. :twilightsmile:

#37 · 92w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1678714

Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it, even with its flaws.

With your help and the other people who left comments, I think I have cleaned up the story as much as I can before getting into rewrite territory. If any omitted words still remain I will stamp those out. I hate missing stuff like that :twilightangry2:

#38 · 92w, 14h ago · · ·

I absolutely love the back-story to the MLP universe and I love when people write fics about it. (They are kind of rare, as far as I see) I really enjoyed this one. It even coincided with parts of my head cannon, which was kinda weird (The previous capital being called Everfree and Discord planting the seeds of Nightmare Moon). Now I'm afraid people will accuse me of copying if I use those elements though... Oh well this was really nicely done. Congrats.

Even though the evidence is becoming overwhelming, I'm still not a fan of Alicorn Twilight. But here, it works...

#39 · 92w, 8h ago · · ·

Who's the filly?

#40 · 92w, 8h ago · · ·

>>1683841

One of the Sisters' pupils. I left the rest for the reader to decide.

#42 · 92w, 4h ago · · ·

At least it didn't start with:

"Can you read me a duck story?"

#43 · 92w, 1h ago · · ·

Here's something to sum up the quality of this story:

http://www.synonym.com/synonyms/incredible/

#44 · 91w, 6d ago · · ·

Added to my "read it later" list. Like so many stories I want to read, I can't read this one right now, since I'm writing one of my own.

#45 · 91w, 5d ago · · ·

Not bad at all! Some grammar and punctuation problems, but overall it's pretty good. :pinkiehappy:

#46 · 91w, 3d ago · · ·

realy like this ^^ "dunt knowe wat els to say to express howe muche i like it"

#47 · 91w, 1d ago · · ·

A fantastic take on the stories of the elements and the princesses.

#48 · 90w, 6d ago · · ·

>>1670873 It is true.  You are to good of a writer to leave.  You will enjoy your stay... FOREVER!! :pinkiecrazy:

#49 · 90w, 2d ago · · ·

:twilightsmile:

#50 · 86w, 6d ago · · ·

Ok, this story should look nothing like what I released at the end of November.

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