91
6,834
Three divine sisters, The Sun, Moon, and Stars, have reigned over the heavens and earth since time immemorial. This is a tale of their greatest hardships and triumphs as challenges unforeseen seek to ruin the world they have created for their beloved ponies.
Featured on Equestria Daily!
Cover art provided by the talented NoOneBahtim.
Check out the sequel here!
Ooooh, you know pzeper and Westy? Interesting backstory you have there, by the way. The bearers are all alicorns now?
Also, on top of keeping new speakers on a separate paragraph, try to break up the recount into smaller paragraphs. My general recommendation (to myself and others) is no more than 4 or 5 lines per paragraph.
My recommendation is that you get this properly proofread.
There are many punctuation errors and grammar mistakes, including the common, "There, they're and their" mistakes.
The first couple of paragraphs feel rushed. I suggest you fix that.
Some of the sentence structuring and wording is awkward, and interrupts the flow of the story, making it sound choppy and unfinished.
Otherwise, great story! I enjoyed it quite a bit.
I disagree. It's a short story, adding useless line breaks would mess with the pacing and tone. There are some places for improvement regarding transitions, but the answer is not to hit the reader over the head with big visual clues.
Nice story, short, to the point, complete. I'm glad to see this made feature box.
>>1674409 well that's your opinion, but I'm just saying that line breaks would make it easier to read, is all. I find huge walls of text a bit of a turnoff in any story I read (I guess that's why I disliked the chapters of Ulysses that used them more than the ones that didn't) , and making the line breaks at all important junctures in the story instead of just at the points where something new happens to the Alicorn sisters would have made it seem less dense. But as the God-King of beating things over his readers' heads, I guess that's to be expected of me. 
subtlety
Might want to change that to subtly so that the starts aren't teaching the sun and moon how to be subtle, and more shaping them quietly without them knowing.
Good read, started off with on idea about how the story was going to run, read a bit further and got another idea about it. Just a nice quick read all in all.
Again, thanks for the tips!
For you questions about the rest of the mane six being alicorns, I wasn't envisioning them in that way. I think Meghan McCarthy said in a recent interview that alicorns being in positions of power wasn't a coincidence. So I took that to mean only those born with the right to rule had horns and wings. I'll explain the rest in a bonus chapter/epilogue when I get the time to hammer one out. I may also get around to writing another story that covers an intentional hole left in this story.
The writing in this story is a bit rough, but it's brimming with wonderful ideas. Your idea about why and how the Elements turned to stone is very similar to my head-canon, but you've woven it together with other elements of the show in ways I never considered. Awesome! 
"On the longest day of the thousandth year, the Stars will aid in her escape." That line suddenly makes a lot more sense with one small change in capitalization.
An ear splitting echoed through out the heavens.
This is the part of the comment where I put on my Grammar Police hat. 
Unless the sound of actual ears being split echoed through the heavens (ew), "ear-splitting" should be hyphenated and followed by a noun ("scream"?). Also, "throughout" is one word. In the sentence that follows that one, "magic-using" should be hyphenated as well.
As others have pointed out, your paragraph structure could use work. You also have some run-on sentences that could either be punctuated better or broken up into shorter sentences.
In fiction writing, though, it doesn't always pay to slavishly follow the rules of grammar. Doing so can make your writing feel stiff and academic. You still need to know the rules, but you also need to know when to break them. I'd suggest reading some of your favorite authors, and paying attention to how they both use and break grammar rules to achieve powerful effects with their prose. And keep writing. Practice makes perfect, and if this story is any indication you have some great ideas to practice with. 
Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it, even with its flaws.
With your help and the other people who left comments, I think I have cleaned up the story as much as I can before getting into rewrite territory. If any omitted words still remain I will stamp those out. I hate missing stuff like that 
I absolutely love the back-story to the MLP universe and I love when people write fics about it. (They are kind of rare, as far as I see) I really enjoyed this one. It even coincided with parts of my head cannon, which was kinda weird (The previous capital being called Everfree and Discord planting the seeds of Nightmare Moon). Now I'm afraid people will accuse me of copying if I use those elements though... Oh well this was really nicely done. Congrats.
Even though the evidence is becoming overwhelming, I'm still not a fan of Alicorn Twilight. But here, it works...
Mkay, thanks for clearing that up although, all in all, I REALLY hope the rumors that Hasbro is going to make Twilight into an alicorn are just that: RUMORS! It works in this story, but it would screw up everything in the show we all know and wub 
(Sorry been very paranoid about this ever since I read that reddit post, needed to vent. BAD 
)
“The stars” in “The stars shall aid her escape” always felt to me like a random element that was tossed into the Elements of Harmony myth without much thought to whether or not it had much meaning. It's always special when someone can augment and weave through the mythology laid down in a show to give it more weight and substance, and certain aspects more purpose. This whole story is amazing. I even got chills when Luna and Celestia snatched control of the sun and moon from Discord.
Chugga, chugga...
Hey there! I'm here to deliver one review to the owner of this story. If the product is unsatisfactory, it can be returned for a full refund.
A tale of the Sun, Moon and Stars is a masterpiece of a story, for which an alternate title could be "A Brief history of Nearly Everything". The way you've described the 'Gods', and their personalities, is incredible. There's no real precedent to their characters, so I can't really comment on characterisation, but I really like how you've made Twilight a very maternal character.
The amount of detail you've packed into Four and a half thousand words is simply phenomenal. I was surprised by how little time had passed when I finished reading this. Lines like:
The Sun was in shock- her warmth could not penetrate the coldness that had enveloped the land. The Moon was reduced to tears- her night only brought misery upon their children. The Stars shivered, sensing only coldness in her ponies’ hearts.are a particularly apt example of this. you've really captured the fellings and shown them to us fabulously.
Perhaps the only downfall of this incredible story is that, because of the huge amount of information, contained in it, it is quite fast paced, perhaps a little too much so. That said, It didn't detract from the story in any significant way.
In conclusion, this was a Heartwarming, incredibly detailed story of tyhe origins of the Equestrian world.
I am proud to award this story... 95%, with 19 out of a possible 20 gold stars.
Congratulations! We of the Orient Express Explorers look forward to your Future Publications.
-ThatPoemGuyof the Orient Express Explorers
Reset Password
Resend Verification Email
3
16
81
Joined November 2012
6,834 ( 6,834 )
More
Less
Post Comment
Refresh
Image: http://jackyyapp.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/not-bad.jpg?w=604
Image: http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/22413583.jpg
please ?
Image: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdppar52iC1qe8odro3_250.gif
Image: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mc9teipYi21r4y555o1_500.gif
Image: http://i.imgur.com/v9wvB.gif
Cancel
Send