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derpy.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/134160614554.gif
>Be a hard working student brony
>Read this story
>Notice lack of ske[le]tons
>mfw
I should also mention that i was first
1693833
cache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/2009/10/custom_1256950366573_banhammer15gq9.jpg
Also, HOW DID YOU GET THAT USERNAME? Same goes for the author!
1693906
hehehehe it's fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.
But anyway, gripes with this story include The Doctor avoiding his responsibilites and personally would have had a less pleasant ending, but hey that's just me.
It's well written overall and heartwarming to the max. It helps that i happen to like fly me to the moon.
awesome story. it was really good!
But...but.... what about Derpy? It's FANON FOR CELESTIA'S SAKE!
1694052 Yeah, because HEAVEN FORBID that ANYPONY go OUTSIDE of the NORM! We wouldn't want any ORIGINALITY to get into our FANFICS! HELL NO! We want the same story to be told a bajillion times!
scranton.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw4485-1335172445545.jpg
Felt too short, honestly. There were a couple of places I felt could have been expanded a little, but good nevertheless.
1694139
But...but... Derpy x Dr. Whooves...... I AM AFRAID OF CHANGE
1694160 ...
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/2011/9/6/f8c3b45c-a44f-4663-805b-3bb46fd90465.jpg
Nuff said. :3
This should be labelled Crossover.
I'm a Doctor X Derpy fan myself, I can't find any good fanfiction about it, but A good story
1694166 >B-but I never even installed a muffin button!
>Then how did I get this muffin...?
Tense agreement. Learn it.
1694385 DBZ Abridged references! Also I enjoyed this story.
1694139
I like you.
1694304
Very good point. Fix'd.
1694553
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/26147280.jpg
(No homo)
~Everyone love Magical Trevor! And the tricks that he does are ever so clever!~
This was cute. The writing could have done with some better devices and pacing, though. Taking time to explore the surroundings, for example. When Twi brings the Doctor to her Laughing Place (that hill under the stars), I didn't get much of an idea of what the place was like.
What could have been done there is...
The reason I say this is that your writing is mostly dialogue, and while dialogue is necessary, it should only be half of the story. Stories include characters, but they also include settings. It's not just a background, it's an environment. The way you describe the TARDIS seems to imply you know this already, but no other place in the story gets as much attention to detail.
So when setting up a scene...
>What does it feel like to be inside the place?
>What smells can you smell from here? (Ex. something cooking in the kitchen, has a homely smell, smells like something died in here)
>What can you see from here? (Ex. less a library and more a book museum, organized chaos, there's a painting of an elf playing a tuba on the wall)
>What can you hear from here? (Ex. a low hum from the next room, a dog barking in the neighborhood at night, a song playing from a stereo)
These are very important things when dressing a setting for each scene.
Now, writing devices. These are also really important. You seem to have a vague knowledge on how to write in a way that paints an image in the readers' minds, but that talent is in such a state that it needs some nurturing.
Metaphors, alliteration, hyperbole, portmanteaus... all this can be used to describe something. However and whatever you use, it has to most succinctly describe an action or object or person or place.
There's a lot of description here, and it helps the setting and the scene.
I guess my point is to not just focus on the characters. They're important, of course, but the settings of each scene are also really important, nearly equally so.
Very well written, but the Doctor feels very OOC. Perhaps slightly too emo, not eccentric enough, and he reveals who he is too fast with little to no consequences.
Thank you. Thank you so very much
I see what you did there with the title.
i.imgur.com/CswFk.png
Ha!
I agree, the Doctor was a little OOC. I don't think he would open up that quickly, or ever settle down. In the end, I really don't care. It was a good story nonetheless.
Did he really just call the Tardis sexy?
I feel this needs to be longer, if only for the sake of the story unfolding at a slower pace. It was quiet quick, but it was a good story, too.
inb4 featutred
1694608
Oh wow, really, thank you for your thorough review! I love comments like this, they help me figure out what I can improve on. I'll be sure to take your points on board in future writing.
1694669
1694906
I knew that this would come up, I don't blame you haha. It was much more difficult to fit his personality into the story than I anticipated. Such a complex and fluid character was perhaps a bit beyond my skill.
1694931
It's canon to the show, so, yeah.
1694571
You! You're the one who disappeared my cow! Where is my cow hidden?
1694744
No worries, my friend. I hope it was vaguely along the lines you were expecting.
1694571 Magical Trevor song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoK45egKq0w
Hmmm, references list
1.
Alice in wonderland
2.
Cupcakes
I have just been WAITING for a fic called this to show up. Just WAITING. It's finally came.
And I couldn't be HAPPIER
1694931
He allways has...
1694052
Multiverses.
1694052
Oh my God, I totally agree. Heavens forbid anyone does something original...
1695186
There was probably a few more here and there but I forget.
I'm super super happy you enjoyed it so much!
We need more Doctor whooves stories. Good job really liked it.
1695192 I have never seen him do that.
Basically after the first few lines, the rest is dialogue
1695384
i cant remember the episode name, but he does do it.
it has been brought up in many fics...
1695389
So it is. That's curious actually. I guess it's what comes of having a degree to do and not having much time to write it.
1695384
Explains all.
1695430 Oh yes, I saw the beginning of that episode but never got to that part.
1695414
1694931 The Eleventh Doctor did in "The Eleventh Hour".
Holy crap, a doctor fic which isn´t about shipping him with Derpy = MUST READ!!!
1695050 All of that and so much more
OH MY GOD I'M (briefly) MENTIONED IN THE FEATURED BOX
1695186
finally came.
came.
Me and my dirty mind!
A very nice one-shot. I liked the way you hinted at Twilight's crush in the beginning.
A few things about the Doctor, though.
The doctor is very evasive about his past, you were a bit too obvious. Also, he usually only gives his companions information when they need it, whereas you had him spilling the beans beforehand.
Finally, though this would have drastically altered the story, he does not let himself get romantically involved with companions. It becomes too painful when they die and he goes on living.
Other than the OOC stuff, it was a very sweet romance. Have a fave and a thumbs up.
And a moustache for god measure
Nice story, I Iike seeing a good Doctor fic from time to time(lol) but yeah nice read
1694052
SCREW DERPY!
Twilight x Doctor Whooves is best shipping.
Second best if Twilight x Firestar
I LIKE CROSSOVERS, OKAY?!
omg, why did i write that??!!!
1695040 Umm... Uhh...
TUCKER DID IT!