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An average human is teleported to Equestira, , and saves the life of a cyan Pegasus, his life goes from normal to downright bizzare. Will he be able to live in a land with no humans and NO BACON, or will he turn into the worst enemy that equestria has ever seen, or save it from an evil.
Whew, that was a read. Looks like you are having some difficulty with a few things.
Stuff to fix:
1. Tenses. Your tenses seem to slip quite often, changing from past to present tense. This is not Only bad for the reader, but it can also ruin your story's plot.
Now for some examples!
E.g:
The door flew open, and Ranibow dash crashed inside, spreading carnage as she slid across the floor. "Twilight!" she yells loudly.
"Yes?" Twilight asked.
Fixed to:
The door flew open, and Ranibow dash crashed inside, spreading carnage as she slid across the floor. "Twilight!" she yelled loudly, pulling herself from the wreckage of her crash.
"Yes?" Twilight asked.
See how when the tense changed, it became hard to read? You may want to go back over your fic and fix any tense changes you have.
2. Speech. You must have a new paragraph everytime someone new speaks. This is essential, otherwise your conversations just look like bunched up nonsense.
E.g:
"But... But I love you," Twilight said, her eyes brimming with tears. "I know Twi, and I thought I loved you too. But thInge change." "No, your lying!" Twilight turned away from me and ran out the door, her heavy sobs echoing loudly down the hall that stretched beyond.
Fixed to:
"But... But I love you," Twilight said, her eyes brimming with tears.
"I know Twi, and I thought I loved you too. But things change."
"No, no your lying!" Twilight turned away from me and ran out the door, her heavy sobs echoing loudly down the hall that stretched beyond.
3. Spelling mistakes. These arn't to hard to pick up on, just run your story through spell check, then proofread to get the rest.
4. Punctuation. When sentences aren't punctuated, they become fast and hard to read. E.
"I am Stepehen pony of Equestria" He shouted his loud voice echoing through the large hall.
"Oh yeah see how you like this"
Fixed to:
"I am Stephen, pony of Equestria," he shouted loudly, his voice echoing through the large hall.
"Oh yeah? See how you like this!"
It becomes much easier to read if punctuation is added.
5. You seemed to have missed a few words when writing, this may have been caused by writing too fast or not proofreading. Seriously, proofread, it helps to fix everything.
>>116988 Thank you for the sugjections. My computers spell check does not work that well, so its hard for me to go and reread everyting. but, if you would like it, you could preread the chapters before i post them and you can tell me if i need to fix anything. i am thinking of posting 2 chapters today.
Well, that was harder then I expected. Nevertheless, it is done!
https://docs.google.com/document/d/14uF1ze9N2Zsk7syzAaMhkqly0r6vGQoVJdqpNGUsG6w/edit
^ put that in the URL, and it should work. Read comments for better help. Make sure you compae yours to it side by side so you can see your mistakes.
Have a great day!
Things to say: TENSES! For gods sakes young man, work on them. I was so confused by your story switching from presant to past that I nearly passed out.
Gotta check your spelling. like, really gotta check it. Equestria.
Speech: The comma goes before the doule inverted commas, not after. ", => ,"
Few other things that don't need mentioning. :P
Ugh! Sorry, but an hour? I am super-duper tired right now, and I can't really stay up too late. Gotta pack some bags for a trip to Japan. If you need any help with your stories, you can put them up here, and I'll edit them in the morning (five hours from now).
If you want something to compare to (A piece of prose that I wrote) Check this out: https://docs.google.com/document/d/13SVbLngH_E_FuPDx-AFK-MDvDjuIuko9ouso4evXQTQ/edit
Good night, and don't stop writing! <Scootangel is best emoticon.
can you plese make somepony ship with zecore hell you can say after they met he convinced her to stop rhyming and make up something about how she rhymed due to emotional reasons and then if you ever got bored or wanted a chalenge you could write how they met see rhyming problam solved
Okay. It's good to see that you picked up on the 'one speaker per paragraph' thing.
Some things that don't flow nicely:
-It was Fluttershy-
^You use this near the intro, and it doesn't fit well at all.
You wanted me to edit? I shall awaken in a few minutes, and find my computer (Writing on an iPod).
Done and done!
there is your cahpter 3.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/165_XvOhQhMIksVIcv_5bygJBP1n9j2VG938oHq8qWNs/edit
Add in what I told you, or I'm going to stop editing your work. I almost have to re-write the entire thing. Just, do what I said okay? You shouls be okay if you do.
That's it!
Okay then *russian acceant start now* Then good luck my friend I see you tomorrow and bring vodka and baccon to celebrate*end accent*seriously good luck and great story I'd still go to Equestria though I'd just have celestia turn me into my favorite ponysona leafin (not to be confused with his namesake my machete wich I call leafin that's what namesake means if you didn't know)
WTF
Hi names ----, did you know that my parents were brutally murdered and that I killed the person who killed them? just saying in case you were wondering.
Again WTF, who introduces themselves like this? Or just brings stuff like that into the open for no reason? Its just so over the top and ridiculous, why didn't you go all the way and say he was raped repeatability by his father and then went on to use his ninja karate skills to stop crime?
Enough with the generic fake DARK PAST that's so common with these stories.
>>123036 1, He almost just died 2, he just found that everything he belived about his race biggins is a lie and 3, i wrote this chapter like this for a reason because the storys not over yet, and 4, who said that that point in time is fixed. it may not make sense in the biggening, but it does in the end. and 5 would you have rather me put it with him having a perfect life with nothing wrong with him and have him go crazy trying to find his way back??
Keep reading and it will make sense, i promise but I do have to agree with you on killing part, that does make no sense and i'l change it, that really does make no sense. That does take it over the top
still listening to the music and i was almost ROTFL but saddly iv read an entire fanfic about pinkie pie chuging 40oz of the strongest coffe at a coffe shop that had over 10'000 flavors with about 4 energy boast shots added in and they had to capture her so when she came of her cafine high she wouldnt go into a coma by using more caffine just less it was a full day of benny hill seanes and i was ROTFL multiple times also
*royal canterlot voice*FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (i think)
So differing cultures, ideologies and religions are evil? and the atomic bomb was first made to force the Japanese war to a end, one of the most brutal wars cause of the "evil" Japanese people who slaughtered hundreds of thousands of civs as a warning / punishment not to help Americans (we probably would have lost tens of thousands of more troops without it and many more jap civs would have been killed from continued fire bombing anyway, infact they tried to overthrow the Japanese emperor when he announced surrender) and also as a chip to hold over the soviet union after words and honestly has prevented war many times over.
For some easy to get info on it look up and download the fog of war from robert mcnamara and the series the pacific to get some idea.
Honestly the main character has a outlook of a child, its nagging at me.
I respectfully disagree. Even though the bombings WERE necessary, it is still regrettable that they were needed in the first place, which is what I think Soviet was getting at. Looking at things as only a means to an end is a very cynical point of view, but sometimes needed.
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don't worry i fixed it and i fixed spell check, so i hope it is better
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