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  • T My Little Worm

    Taylor Hebert spent years in Equestria. Adapting to her homeworld again will be tough. At least now she's a parahuman.
    2,321 words · 188 views  ·  7  ·  1
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At her lowest point, Fluttershy meets the most wonderful stallion, who helps her out.  They eventually fall in love, get married, and have a foal.  All they want is a life of quiet domesticity.  Of course, given that they live in Ponyville, that probably won't happen.

Rated T for mention, but no descriptions, of sex and pregnancy.

Alternate Universe because of up-aged Fluttershy and Macintosh to avoid certain unpleasant things.

My first try at MLP fanfic, but not fanfic in general.  Be as harsh as you want.

First Published
17th Nov 2012
Last Modified
22nd Nov 2014
#1 · 105w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

*looks at description*

Hey! A story about Fluttershy having a baby.

*looks at character tags*

Holy mother of god. I can't even...

#2 · 105w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

Ok for your first pony fic it's alright, not the best I have seen but certainly not the worst. The base plot is original for sure, never seen one that has Scoots as Fluttershy's real daughter. There are some issues though.

1) Chapter length: normally not a problem but for some reason it feels too long.

2) Details: You jump around quite a bit and somethings are not easily explained

3) Pacing: Story seems to progress too fast, or at least in regards to the romance. It seems that Mac proposes just a few days after she arrives in Ponyville.

Honestly this story has a lot of potential but it can stand a lot of improvement to bring it out.

#3 · 105w, 5d ago · 1 · · Chapter 1 ·

Yes.  Fluttershy+Apples=Scootaloo.  

You can't explain that. :rainbowkiss:

#4 · 105w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

Glad to see it's gotten posted here!

#5 · 105w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

Since this is your first story, you'll probably fait when I say this:

This is the best FlutterMac fic I've ever read.

A fave and a thumbs up.

:yay: + :eeyup: + :heart: = :scootangel:

#6 · 105w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

You might want to slap on the Alternate Universe tag, just to be on the safe side.  It's pretty clear this isn't from the canon setting (where it's pretty clear that Fluttershy is not Scootaloo's mom).

#7 · 105w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

I agree with the suggestion of slapping the Alternate Universe tag on this story. Pacing feels a bit fast with the short snippets style you have going, but otherwise a good read. I don't think I've ever seen a story where Scoots is the daughter of Mac and Fluttershy. :yay: :eeyup: :scootangel:

#8 · 105w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

It's beautiful

#9 · 105w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

>>1628831

Weirdly enough, if you mix the colors of Fluttershy and Big Mac you get Scootaloo's colors. I didn't expect that to work either :rainbowlaugh:

#10 · 105w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

>>1628830

On that last bit: While certainly a valid concern, take comfort in the fact that this was a prologue and little else, and that the rest of this is going to focus on Aunt Abblebloom and Fluttermom shenanigans.

#11 · 105w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

>>1629134

I know, but still it bugs me.

#12 · 105w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

That was really sweet. I like this idea of an alternate reality.

Then the part at the end... WTF!? :rainbowhuh::rainbowlaugh::scootangel:

Brilliant.

#13 · 105w, 5d ago · 1 · · Chapter 1 ·

Grey Mare?  

Hopefully she is over getting beaten out for Big Mac by the time she is mayor.

Looking forward to what Flutters is like as 'team mom' when the Thousandth Summer Sun Celebration happens.

#14 · 105w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

>>1628830

I'm working on quality.  I'm actually posting this in smaller chunks on the Spacebattles forum for initial hammering-out, and that probably accounts for some of the issues you had.  As for pacing, in-story, it was several weeks between arrival and proposal.

>>1628949

Thanks a bunch!

>>1629123

That's actually what initially sparked the idea in my mind.

>>1629218

Oh, this isn't the end.  Far from it.

#15 · 105w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

>>1629430

Thank you for clarifying that.

#16 · 105w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

Dude, this is some damn good AU Fluttermac :yay::heart::eeyup:. I can not wait to see how the CMC and the Mane Six are all affected by this change

#17 · 105w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

>>1629430 You have my full attention then. :raritystarry:

#18 · 105w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

i like i want to see morre

#19 · 105w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

>>1628830

I can honestly say that the pacing for the romance is not that fast. It did occur over a few weeks. And I can even point at real life as my own parents got engaged only a month into dating after they met. When they met, my dad having come from Quebec could barely speak much english while my mom could barely speak a word of french.

35 years later they're still married and very much in love with each other.:pinkiehappy:

#20 · 105w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

Aw, sonofa----

I have a (piece of) story written out with the same concept. (Flutters+Mac=Scootaloo). Was just about to post it when this pops up.

:facehoof:

Can't really claim that I should be the only one who owns this idea though, so kudos for coming up with it as well. Hopefully yours is successful, 'cause mine probably won't be.

#21 · 105w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

I am enjoying this immensely. I do like the alternate history upping of the ages. Hope this stays slice of life and doesn't go into the Elements of Harmony adventure.

#22 · 105w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

dis gun b gud

#23 · 105w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

Great idea i like it :twilightsmile: :twilightsmile: :twilightsmile: is this a type of introduction to the universe of the story or the other part of the story will be in the same style with the time jumps?

#24 · 105w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

>>1630608 Meh, if you think YOUR story with official characters is gonna be unsuccessful, read mine that haters are gonna hate on. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/60794/Strange-New-World Never degrade your ideas, and use this story as an example of what NOT to do in yours for the sake of showing what you can do with your own mind.:twilightsmile:

#25 · 105w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

Yay! Marvelously done! Buckin saved

#26 · 105w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

Unknown to the young couple, that particular invitation would go undelivered, due to a mishap involving the mailmare's coltfriend, a black hole, and an incomprehensible horror from beyond reality, but that’s a story for another time.

But... BUT AH WANT IT NOAW!

Aside from that, I felt that it was really good! Pacing was odd in some places, like saying a few days later they were seeing each other every day now, it's like... a few days isn't really enough time to really be able to say that... A week, yeah, but a few days just makes it kinda... Why do you need both parts, you know? Besides, from what we read before, he was visiting every day before that anyway.

Anyways, looking forward to more!

#27 · 105w, 4d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

Well i can say this history is AWESOME!:twilightsmile::twilightsmile::twilightsmile::twilightsmile:

First thing is that saying that scootaloo is fluttershy mother is a different aproach also it makes more sense to me of why scot likes so much rainbow you know cuz fluttershy also sees her a a model to keep on with.

But i didnt saw that you talked about rainbow anytime that might made it a bit more realistic i will keep on for your next contributions

#28 · 105w, 4d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

Let me be brief.

What this IS: 8.5k built out of various sniplets of text and plot lines, all too tiny to form anything of significance.

What this SHOULD BE: At least 20k if not more already. You just went from literally their first meeting to giving birth to their child, and not only that, but you also tore up a whole lot of side plots, none of which can even remotely be treated with this many words. Compare this with a random novel pulled randomly from FIMFiction.. Admittedly, you don't have to go for that kind of length, but still, it's been going on for 100k words and the two are not even in a relationship yet.

My recommendation is that you take your time to do things right. Reworking this fic is probably effort better spent elsewhere, I mean, you did decently for your first fic, but get rid of the obnoxious stars. They completely destroy pacing and, simply through existing, tear the reader from immersion. People don't marry after a few weeks of knowing each other, reflect that fact in your fic. Replace every opportunity where you'd use stars (use horizontal rulers instead if you really must) with text. Make it one continous chain of narration and use timelinking phrases where you skip time spaces, which is necessary, but shouldn't be overdone either. I was told that the mentioned novel actually does a fairly good job at stretching itself out without getting boring.

Still, it was not bad and the English usage was correct, which is not as common as you'd expect even among featured stories. For that, have a :moustache:. Though, occasionally, I felt like you used words you didn't really know the usage of trying to sound smarter. Using slightly simpler language that you know is always always always preferrable to misplacing an elevated word and failing horribly in the process.

#29 · 105w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

This is awesome!

And I just realized...

Applebloom is Scootaloo's Aunt :rainbowderp:

#30 · 105w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

>>1634536

This isn't going to be all of the story.  This is more like the prologue.  I'm not discarding plot threads, I'm setting them up for future use.  I've no doubt I could have written 20k or more words just in this part, but the story was always meant to be Fluttermac and Scootalovingfamily, not just a Fluttermac story with a twist at the end.

>>1646840

Yes, yes she is.

#31 · 105w, 12h ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

Best Fluttermac fic ever. Of all time.

#32 · 104w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

Why does this work? It shouldn't but it does and that scares me. Also nice to see something that doesn't involve Scootabuse.

signed the good dr.

#33 · 104w, 3d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

Adorable. *Goes to Fluttershy's father's house and punches him hard* I'm a big Fluttermac 'shipper, so this gets four hooves up from me.

#34 · 104w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

"...established Ponyville's incredibly strict building codes."

*snrk* :rainbowlaugh:

In any case, I like this. It's certainly an interesting idea. I'm interested in seeing where you take it.

#35 · 103w, 23h ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

Im not even a fan of :fluttershyouch: X :eeyup: = :scootangel: ...

BUT I LOVE THIS STORY!

I need MOAAARR XD

#36 · 102w, 3d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

Will this continue ? :fluttercry:

because i like it :twilightsmile::twilightsmile::twilightsmile:

#37 · 102w, 3d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

>>1770590

I'm working on it, believe me- I'm posting it in smaller chunks on Spacebattles as I progress.  I will say, though, that I'm not a very fast writer.  Couple that with work and school, and progress is somewhat slow.

#38 · 99w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

DAWWWWWWWWWWWWW...But :yay: +:eeyup: + :heart: = :scootangel: Ahahahahaha! :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

#39 · 99w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

What's the next story? :pinkiehappy: And thanks for not describing the ... So,THANKS!:ajsmug::pinkiehappy::twilightsmile:

#40 · 99w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

Nikas I don't get it :rainbowhuh:

#41 · 97w, 4d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

I would love to see this continued. My friend and i are in the midst of writing a fic based on this concept but with some differences and i would love to see this story continued:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::twilightsmile:

#42 · 96w, 1d ago · 7 · 1 · Chapter 1 ·

So.... Applebloom is Scootaloo's aunt.

That's hilarious.

#43 · 95w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

I see you incorporated a bit of Nightmare Night into this. You did good with this chapter.

#44 · 95w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

Hooray! So now that we are past episode one lets see where you can take this.

#45 · 95w, 5d ago · 1 · · Chapter 2 ·

I'm trying to get faster and better, but between school, work, and having a life, it can be tough sometimes.

What kind of excuse is that?:raritywink::pinkiehappy:

Just kidding. Loving this.

#46 · 95w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

NEATO :eeyup:

#47 · 95w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

No problem on the delays. Nice additions and changes to the core. Similar, but different enough so it's not a retread.

#48 · 95w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

I can totally understand school getting in the way of things. Don't worry about it.

How's having a life by the way? I heard it's pretty nice and I've been considering...

#49 · 95w, 4d ago · 2 · · Chapter 2 ·

I loved the way you integrated Scootaloo and Mac into the chapter.

However, there was one part that irked me.

: "I'm going to break this defenseless child's neck!"

:flutterrage: You Monster!

* fight scene *

:scootangel: : Aww... Hey wait, you tried to break my neck!

  : Well, you see, I was evil at the moment, but since you guys forced me to be good again, I can't be held accountable! Also, I'm cute.

:eeyup::fluttercry: Awwwww, your apology makes us forgive your attempted murder of a child!

:trollestia: :Indeed

#50 · 79w, 3d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

>>2004981 "Alternate Universe" isn't tagged in the story for nothing, duh.

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