57w, 6dPonies in the Real World
I must have been at least half a mile away from the library by the time I heard Twilight scream. She was furious. If it wasn't for the fact that I was this far away from her, I wouldn't have burst out laughing. I had to take pity on poor Spike though; he must have needed a set of new ear-drums at the end of it. By the time I had caught my breath I had been spotted by yet another local, who seemed to be just as curious about me as the last one.
"Oh wow! A laughing monkey!"
SHIT. My head shot up and turned to face the newcomer. A cream-coated pony with a pink and blue mane was watching me chuckle to the sound of the angered librarian. I recognised her from the fan content as Bon Bon, the supposed partner of human-enthusiast Lyra. Play it cool, she thinks you're a monkey.
"Umm... Ooh ooh ah ah ah?" To add to the image I scratched under my arms and swung them as Bon Bon giggled at what she thought was a chimp in clothing.
"What a funny monkey, he must have escaped from Fluttershy's enclosure. I should really go tell somepony about this..."
She started to trot away before waving good-bye to me, oblivious as to what I actually was. Relieved by her absence I sighed, Thank Luna she's gone.., and was about to start making my way around town until the very same pony came back with a group of friends, eager to gape at a chortling simian.
"So where's this monkey you were talking about?" asked a grey stallion, with a four-leaf clover for a cutie mark.
"Yeah, I wanna see this monkey!" asked another pink pony with diamonds for a cutie mark.
"Yeah, where's the chimp?"
"Calm down, calm down... The monkey is right here." Bon Bon spoke aloud, silencing the small crowd. I was standing there watching them stare at me, expecting me to do something ape-like. Always the crowd pleaser... I mentally sighed. Starting up the monkey antics and swinging my arms, I let the crowd revel at the sight of one of the most humiliating moments I've had the misfortune to live through. Eventually a couple of pegasi left the pack, which lessened my embarrassment for a brief few seconds, until they came back with more ponies.
The crowed kept growing and growing until I couldn't see out of the alleyway I slinked into before the whole 'monkey-business' had started. Figuring now was a good time to move out of my improvised stage, I ambled into the street still playing the part of the chimp. I danced my way through the streets as the performing monkey, getting reluctantly more and more into character as I swung around a small fountain in the centre of town. Eventually a couple of members from the crowd started throwing a bit or two into the fountain as I performed, calling out and cheering me on. How the heck did I end up doing this?
As I went back to my roots, more and more members of Ponyville had started to gather until the town square had filled up. There must have been over 150 ponies watching me by this point, which made the whole thing seem more awkward than I had intended it to. It was tempting to just swipe the bits from the fountain and take my leave there and then, but deserting my cheering audience would have felt unwarranted seeing as they were now essentially paying me to perform. Oh well, monkey I am, monkey I act.
The crowd slowly dissipated over the next quarter of an hour until only a handful of ponies were left. I took this as a chance to pick up the bits and made my leave, before getting interrupted by another pegasus.
"So Alex, how have you been?"
"Alright, I guess. This whole monkey thing was getting boring though... Wait a sec... Rainbow Dash?!" She must have seen the whole monkey act. Great.
"Yep. The one and only," the sky-blue pegasus replied. "I see you've been making some money while you're here."
Groaning, I replied, "How much of that did you see?"
Placing a hoof under her chin, Dash replied, "I think I threw in the tenth bit... could have been the fifteenth... I'm not so sure."
"You mean you've been watching me for the entire time? Well, thanks. You could have mentioned something earlier. That was over quarter of an hour ago."
"Aww come on! It was hilarious!" the pegasus protested. "You honestly think that I wouldn't want to watch?"
"Do you even know why I had to do that?" I hissed back, annoyed at Rainbow Dash for not speaking up earlier.
"So you never thought that the prospect of a new alien species being introduced into Equestria wouldn't cause panic and alarm?"
Dash shrugged. "Not really. I thought you were only doing that to make some bits. How much money did you make in the end?" I expected that question from Dash, trying to change the conversation when it started going sour.
"I'm not so sure, but there was enough left to easily fill up my pockets at least three times over." Reaching to grab a handful of bits out of my left trouser pocket, I felt something plastic and smooth. "Hmm... that's odd."
"What? Found a peanut in there?" Dash snickered at my expense. I didn't care at the time as I pulled out the foreign object from my pocket, revealing it to be my phone.
"How have I not noticed this before? It's been three days..." Getting lost in thought, I looked the device over in my hands. It seemed intact.
Giggling, Dash let out another pun. "Maybe it's because you were too busy 'monkeying around' to notice!"
"Very funny." I replied, "Can you stop with the monkey jokes?"
"Why, are they driving you bananas?" This time Dash collapsed onto the floor into a heap of laughter. I took a quick glance over to her before returning my attention back to the device in my hands. I held the power button down until the phone had vibrated, letting me know it was starting up. The home screen slowly loaded into existence, showing that I had no signal what so ever. Well that's disappointing.
Pocketing my phone, I turned my glance back over to the hysteric pegasus. She was still cackling away at her own joke before calming down enough to stand upright again.
"Are you done yet?" I asked, still slightly annoyed at the terrible puns.
"Yeah... I haven't laughed like that in a while. Oh, wow, All that laughing has made me hungry. That reminds me, I have to go meet up with Twilight for lunch, you wanna come along?"
"Umm... I'll be fine. I had a big breakfast anyway... Go ahead without me." The memory of Spike's reaction from when I told him about the plants had re-surfaced when Rainbow Dash mentioned Twilight. I felt that avoiding her for the day would be a good measure for keeping my ability to hear.
"Eh, you're the one that's going to lose out on the free lunch. Anyway, catch you latter, kiddo."
Damn, I'm getting hungry.
After skulking around Ponyville for the rest of the day, I had managed to build a pretty strong mind-map of the town. I came across a few places I recognised from the show, such as Sugarcube Corner and the Town Hall. One area I explored vigorously was Sweet Apple Acres, occasionally picking an apple or two from the large orchard. Having had my fill of apples for the time being, I decided to move closer to the farm house in order to gain a better look at the Apple Family Home. Even for ponies, the residence was huge. It was larger than my own home, which caused me to take a step back and really take in the size of the place. I had been admiring the farm house for a little too long though, as I heard the all too familiar accent of the cow-pony Applejack.
"Well I'll be, that's the monkey Twilight was on about earlier. The little varmint deserves a beatin' for what he did!"
"Beating? Hold on a second..."
A second wasn't long enough. By the time I had processed what the farm pony had said, she had already cleared at least thirty feet. Scrambling to my own, I ran on in a hopeless attempt to out-run my pursuer or find somewhere I could hide. My first thoughts turned to that of the orchard itself, but having worked on them for many years would have meant the Applejack could find me in there without breaking a sweat. Veering my direction to the right, I sprinted to the large open barn and dived into a pile of hay. It wasn't my wisest of decisions, but at least the earth pony couldn't find me in here, right?
"I know ya in here! It's just a matter of time!"
Well, there went that plan. I sat in the hay-bale and waited until the orange pony had turned her back to the exit and I, before jumping up and out of there as fast as my legs would carry me. I ran past the front of the farmhouse and back around to the other side of the building, into the orchard. Apple tree after apple tree blurred past as I ran on, ducking and dodging past branches that were in my way. The farm pony was hot on my tail as I dived through the gaps between the trees, swerving one way and then the next to try and shake her off. Applejack would just not give up, which was becoming a problem as my adrenaline rush was starting to fade.
The need to stop and rest was growing stronger with each step. I turned one last sharp corner before jumping up into a tree. If being a monkey got me into this mess, than being a monkey some more should help me get out of it. I looked down to see the pony-tailed pony gallop by underneath the branch I was perched in, before letting out a sigh and resting my head against the trunk of the tree. Taking this moment to catch my breath, I picked a few more apples from the orchard and ate to regain lost energy.
Getting too greedy, I reached out for an apple on a branch that was just out of my reach. Merely centimetres away from the tips of my fingers, I reached out that little bit further and fell from my place in the leaves. My not-so-manly scream had alerted Applejack, causing her to run as fast as she could towards my position. Having barely stood up from my fall, I had just enough time to watch a hoof travel through the air and connect with my crotch. Good thing I'm single.
The scream of agony was enough to cause the confused farm-pony to wince. She watched as I fumbled around, eyes shut-tight in pain, attempting to make my way from where-ever I was. I darted towards what I thought would have been the clearing I had ran through earlier, but instead my head smashed straight into the solid trunk of another tree, knocking me out. Before blacking out completely, my last thoughts were something along the lines of 'Karma's a bitch'.