Hiya, I like to edit. And sometimes I write shitty stories. Who would've known?
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Follow the highs and lows of Fluttershy as she attempts to gain the admiration of Rainbow Dash. Will she prevail and be with her love? Or will her nature keep her from achieving true happiness?
The cover art is not mine. It was made by KP-ShadowSquirrel over on DeviantArt.
Link to KP-ShadowSquirrel's DeviantArt profile: http://kp-shadowsquirrel.deviantart.com/
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Looking good so far.
I'm liking where this is going. Flutterdash is best...
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- so much shipping... I like it
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Naa just kidding I hate shipping
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This was pretty good, but I have a few criticisms.
First off, use more contractions, such I'm instead of I am. It's a bit annoying to read otherwise
Also, there are times when you're essentially restating things with other descriptors. Here, for example:
She leaped out of her bed, leaving the covers piled in a mess on top of her mattress, and hurried downstairs to prepare her beloved pet bunny’s favorite breakfast: a fruit salad with whipped cream and carrot juice. After she finished making the breakfast, she trotted over to Angel's bed and gently nudged him out of his sleep.
“Wake up Angel, I made your favorite breakfast,” Fluttershy whispered.
The number of times making Angel's breakfast is mentioned makes this feel somewhat awkward. One suggestion would be to rewrite the second sentence like so:
After she had done this, she trotted over to Angel's bed and gently nudged him out of his sleep.
which makes the sequence easier to read, and less redundant. This problem appears elsewhere in the story, which makes it hard to follow at times. You should try to work that out in future chapters.
1636974 Thank you kindly for the constructive criticism! I promise not to disappoint with future chapters!
1636590 Hmm Kurt Cobain likes my story. Buck Yeah!!!
1637564 We might might be quite metal, but hey, grunge is close!
1638386 Gonna check 'em out right now!
*Ahem*
Everypony, I seem to have made a mistake when I published the first chapter. A small portion of the end was cut off. Sorry about that! It is fixed now, so please give it another look if you are interested.
*fucked
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I love this story already. I am a great fan of the Flutterdash relationship. btw, good job at the censoring in your story!
1666326 Thanks for the support!
1658656 Haha, I hope you are enjoying it so far.
1658656
Agreed my good man.
1675833 Is that a bad thing?
1675833>>1666326>>1658624>>1636974>>1636678>>1636583 Alright, I am revoking the submission on this story so I can basically turn
shitcoal into a diamond. I am going to be re-working the entire thing, starting later today. I will re-upload it when I have the first three chapters done.1798672
Ok, while I'm not a fan of shipfics, I'm going to say this isn't a bad story at all. It's better than most shipfics in the very least. Good job.
1904341 Thanks, that means a lot. I will get some chapters in eventually. Honestly, I think that this story is complete shit but I will finish it eventually.
Greetings, fellow writer! I'm OtterMatt, admin and co-founder of WRITE, and I'm taking on the task of reviewing your story for you.
First off:
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I need to apologize for the extensive delay there's been in getting this done. The holidays and new school year have played havoc with our reviewer base, and I've been scrambling for far too long to find someone available to do this review. I should have taken it upon myself LONG ago, and I'm sorry for your wait. Hopefully the review will give you enough food for thought to be worth it!
Okay, now then, let's get to the actual review! Expect a bit of wit and snark along the way.
In honor of your name, I'll be doing this review while listening to August Burns Red. Hopefully that'll put me in the right mood.
Well, after a quick read-through, there's a few things that jump out and grab my attention.
- Dialogue:
First thing, I know that in writing it's generally frowned upon to use contractions, but those rules only apply to formal writing, and sometimes prose. Dialogue is a totally different animal, and you need to use everything and anything to make the dialogue sound and read naturally. As it stands, NOPONY uses a contraction—ever—and that just sounds really weird, because there's no reason for the characters to be so formal around each other.
- Plot/Pacing:
This is notable in that it's, well, sorta absent. I know that shipfics are short on plot development to start with; that's sorta their nature. The bigger problem is the pacing. Scenes crash into each other without any setup. Have a few examples:
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Seriously, though, where did she come from? Did Flutters walk past her farm? Is that on her way? Was AJ stalking her?! O_O
Owwww... I'm sorry, but that was some pretty severe whiplash there. Give me a moment...
I hate to just reuse a meme, so I'll use a pony version instead.
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I've seen some left-field plot twists in my day, but wow. We go from knowing nothing about the scene around them, to SUDDENLY, CARTS! THOUSANDS OF THEM!
And then her wings were broked. I won't really go into how cliche that is, other than to mention that there's a reason broken wing fics are banned outright from EqD.
Not to say, how utterly cruel does it seem to take someone who can't fly to Cloudsdale for medical attention? How do they get down again?
- Formatting:
Minor niggles here, but go through and nail down how many lines you'll be skipping between paragraphs, and if you're indenting or not on new paragraphs. These are small things that can really annoy a reader if it isn't consistent, and it doesn't really matter HOW you do it as long as you stick to a pattern. Spelling and grammar are pretty good, overall, clearly you and your editor have paid this story some heed. Two things need to be brought up, though:
1) Ellipsis. I know using a ton of them is a given when you're writing for Flutters, but they always, ALWAYS have three periods. Thou shalt not use two, excepting that thou then proceed directly to three. Four is right out. Also, resist the urge to overuse them. Remember, anytime you put one, you're indicating that the speaker is trailing off. Not cut off, not distracted or interrupted, but trailing off. Flutters does that, but it should be pretty uncommon in the middle of a sentence.
2) Dashes. You don't use any, and you really should, because they're awesome. Specifically, any stutter, interruption, or break in speaking is a place where a dash would work well. A short dash or hyphen makes a stutter look better, and when you break to change thoughts or because you were interrupted, an em dash is a requirement (Alt+0151 on your keypad, looks like this: —).
Final Verdict: 2/5 Pinkies
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Closing thoughts:
As Derpy has said for me, there's the semblance of feels in this fic, but there's just not enough structure around it to get me immersed to the point where I can haz da feels. The pacing needs to be much less breakneck, more deliberate. Give us more scenery, and more doing by the characters. Let us feel like we're watching them do things instead of getting bulletpoints from the story.
As for the cliche, well, we have all seen this before, and read it before, and the feels are going to be muffled at best because of that, but don't let that stop you. Every fic has a place, even if it's only for practice. There's absolutely nothing wrong with writing cliche, as long as you're endeavoring to learn something from it. And heck, sometimes it's just fun!
- OtterMatt, WRITE Assignment Admin and Composer Laureate
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1959039 Thank you so much for the review!
Now time for the editing...oh boy. Also, sorry about the cliche, I was brand new in the fandom and had not read many stories when I wrote this. 
1960018
5000+ years ago, Solomon told us that "There is nothing new under the sun," so don't worry about that.
Y u cancel story!?!
2755777 There were just so many problems with it... I couldn't really bring myself to write it anymore. Maybe I'll come back to it, maybe.
Wow, finally, the masterpiece lives on!
Yeh, I know that makes no sense but humor me.
Fluttershyismetal, I'm glad to see that the second chapter was just as good as the first!
One thing...
Wake up. Eat breakfast. Go to school. Get laughed at. Eat lunch. Go to recess. Mess up at recess and get laughed at. Try to fly home, but wings aren’t strong enough so she only gets a few feet away from where she had started. Get laughed at. Eat dinner. Go to sleep. Rinse, wash, and repeat.
She sleeps, then washes, then wakes up?
2957036 Lol, it's an expression meaning that it happens every day. But thanks