Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria, found a small child of another species in the Royal Gardens. After tense thinking, she decided to take the creature under her wing, becoming his guardian. This child, later named Onyx, will try to follow in the path of his adoptive mother. Will he be able to make her proud? Will being a unique creature affect how he’s treated or his personality?
A story of love and family between a mother and her son.
[img]http://i.imgur.com/EO39ot0.png[/img]
(Begins before season one)
edited by xIMPERSONATORx
cover art by Shinonigga
Chapters (53)
![http://i.imgur.com/EO39ot0.png[/img]](http://i.imgur.com/EO39ot0.png[/img]){kind=link}
Why are all the new stories I want to read published at 5 am? It doesnt matter this is going to be fun!
Guards guards guards y u do dis
That is priceless,THE TROLL RETURNS! HAHAHA!
Also good story to silver,and you good sir hope to see maor in the future!
I do wonder what this will all lead to.
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XD
MOAR...PLEASE
interesting.... *tracked*
Honestly, I really like the idea for this fic. Princess Celestia finding and raising a human child as her own, that sounds so freaking awesome. Unfortunately this wouldn't be much of a critique if I only praised it and you really need to clean this thing up to make a truly great story. First problem I noticed is that you lack almost all descriptors, everything is show and there's barely any tell. Come at your audience assuming that they don't know who any of these characters are or what they look like. The other thing is that you really need to bring the story as a whole under control, it reads like it's running around and doesn't care if the reader is keeping pace. Pacing is everything with a story, you need to keep it at a level where everyone can follow along with it. Like I said before though, this story shows a TON of potential and I would love to see it do well.
1641141 "Thank you for the criticism, but we're a little bit confused as to what you mean by pacing. Is it going too fast, or going too slow? Please describe more and tell us what you mean by this, and what you mean by that. We may not have used too much description, but the comment you made leaves us both (ZachTheBrony and Silver) in a dark room full of targets that we have to shoot with a gun, while blindfolded. Please be more specific. Give examples of what you mean by 'descriptors', and give examples as to what you mean by 'pace', or tell us straight-up "it's going too fast for my liking", etc etc."
1641339 No problem, what I meant is that it felt like it was moving far too quickly. Like you were in a rush to get us through the story, but trust me, you wanna take your time. For example, one second we're with the doctor, next we're at the morgue then we're with Celestia, then we're in the palace with not a lot of time to digest this all. As for descriptors, well, first off when you're talking about this Dr. Lanthier, he's the first character we meet, we know nothing about him, who he is or what he even looks like. Just that he's here and this is what he's doing. In fact, you kind of do that through out the first chapter. You introduce characters but never tell us who they are. Now the Doctor might not be an important character and just some throw away, so lets look at Celestia. I know that everyone in the fandom knows who Princess Celestia is, but you have to assume that your readers don't, describe her to us as if this is the first time you've ever seen her. I know this seems like a lot of busy work but, it helps people attach themselves to the characters, makes them care about who they are. You need to describe the setting we're in as well. Now I'm not saying to crush us under description after description of every single flower and cob web on the wall, that would just be silly. But we do need to know something about these locations we're in, don't just say that we're there, tell us what's there. After going back through though I've spotted one more problem, your dialogue. You have it all too tightly jumbled with the narration of the story. Now thankfully you avoid the constant sin of multiple people talking in the same paragraph, however, you still have it buried deeply inside the narration. Example: When Celestia is sitting with the child and giving him a name, you have a wall of text that could be chopped into two separate paragraphs. Honestly, I'm now finding on my second go that I missed a lot of the dialogue since it was hidden behind all that text.
I really do hope I'm not putting you off in any way, as I keep saying this has a lot of potential and I really like the idea for the story. My critique might be a bit harsh but that's because I really wanna see this get featured or something.
1641339
I agree with Doc Delray on this, you do have a really fascinating concept that as far as I know isn't done to death. But we need a reason to care about these characters, and as Doc said seeing the descriptions of the characters helps. It also draws the reader into the story more when there is more detail, and that helps the reader paint a better picture.
On the dialogue, it is a lot easier on the reader to have it broken down so it's not a wall of text. That makes the eye tired and pulls the reader out of your story. Just try adding in a paragraph break between two pieces of dialogue that have different subjects. It'll make make the story flow a lot better for the reader.
Again as said before, the pacing is too quick. I won't rehash that, as Doc already did a good job on that. Just show the actual walk from X to Y, with descriptions, and your pacing will be a lot easier to digest.
All in all though, really really neat concept, so get a thumbs up from me. I hope to see this story take off.
*Edit: Something that is just kinda off-putting for me is the having the setting above the section. If you're describing the setting, you don't need it, and it feels more like a play.
Hhhmmmmm..
This intrigues Leaf.
It's still too early to judge, but this story has promise for sure. I hope it delivers, I'm in need of some more good HiE. Also it's already been pointed out, but it's important, you be a bit more descriptive. I fully understand descriptive writing isn't everyone's forte, and I'm not telling you to paint a picture with words, just add some where you can. Anyway good luck and I will be watching for updates.
This is going to be interesting.
1652618>>1641854>>1641749
Dont worry, i will edit this chapter and post the second chapter before the end of the week, thank you for the constructive comment
1653955
Good on ya mate, I look forward to seeing it. I can honestly see this starting a new craze in brony writing.
1719140
i finish it, dont worry just need to edit it
MOAR!
NAO!
Okay, this was far better than your first go. I'm very happy to see that you took a lot of our advice on how to tweak it and polish it up. Don't get too cozy though, there's always room to improve your art. I'm very interested in seeing how this all plays out, I'll be keeping an eye on this fic.
Haha i like this!
1741496
thank and your are my 100e FAV. so i will give you a
*looks at likes, see's one dislike*
Hurray!
I'm excited to see where this goes
GREAT and one dislike over 66 likes who or what pressed that button???
just finished need moar!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1773338
i dont know but when i will found him, he will earn a direct way to the moon
I think someone's computer shorted out. This story is un-dislikable.
I've seen a few human children in Equestria stories before, but this is the first I've taken the time to read that had Celestia as the mother. Is good.
-Sturrn
Banana joke.... any chance to make fun of that meme is enjoyable.
Interesting plotline, I look forward to seeing Onyx growing up with Celestia as a mother, and most heavily armed babysitters in Equestria. Epona help you if you try anything with him.
1773173 in a world of magic everything can be a threat .... but i'm inclined to agree with you
This seems really interesting, looking forward to where it goes.
i like it
the collective demand more
1773486
If a baby alien drop into your garden, im sure you will not find it cute.....
1773173 Body of a snake and head of a chicken? Why, if I ever saw one of them cock-a-thingies face-to-face, I'd laugh at how silly it was.
(IOW, this is Equestria. A single adorable little parasprite combined with a poorly-thought-out spell from a single adorable little purple unicorn wound up devastating an entire town. Better safe than sorry. :)
1773173 Get rid of the creature before it can grow,that was probably going through his head.
1773564 IDK I've called the monsters from Alien "cute" before but then again anything is cute in the right light
and i'm sure i'd be freaking more that i now had to take care of it
Great chapter. I liked it how you didn't skip like 10 years of Onyx's life.
Looking forward to the next chapter.
Interesting.
Interesting concept. I will be looking forward to see how your story plays out. Have a like and a fav.
She's a fucking god, she can do whatever she fucking wants.
Bitch please.
An update?
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okay, I love these kind of fics, but I noticed one error that is just bugging me. At the part where Silver Heart and Celestia had the conersation, you put down "Silver and her", I think it should be "she and Silver" does that sound better?
Didn't care for the banana joke.
1774005 bwahahahah
1774012 Fine i will change it only because i really like your story
1774018
1774035 I know, I immediately recongnized you. Also, I'm watching you
1773453Oh wow, you wrote this? Huh, I remember you posting the carmeldansen Rainbow Dash gif. Anyways, awesome story. Got an almost insta-fave from me. How often do you think this fic could update?
1774056
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and for your question.....hum........as many i can
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She's a Princess and the one controlling the Sun and the Moon.
If she wants to adopt him, what are they gonna do about it?