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  • E Sun Princess

    In the final days of her life, an exceptionally faithful student muses on the subject of her perfect and immortal mentor Applejack.
    1,709 words · 14,235 views  ·  2,153  ·  29
  • E Princess Celestia Hates Tea

    Seriously, a lot.
    8,536 words · 39,326 views  ·  3,628  ·  54
  • E How to Remove a Unicorn Tooth

    Three missing pieces, two loving alicorns, and a single stupid decision that will set young Princess Cadence on a fresh new course.
    11,618 words · 13,033 views  ·  1,068  ·  12
  • E Derplicity

    Derpy Hooves is secretly a changeling. Nopony particularly notices, or cares.
    7,984 words · 21,268 views  ·  2,432  ·  35
  • T Shipping Sickness

    Twilight Sparkle and her bedside table: like two 'ships that pass in the night.
    2,286 words · 17,817 views  ·  1,891  ·  26
  • E Infernal Machines

    The touching tale of a pony and her pet mechanical salamander.
    8,113 words · 7,091 views  ·  563  ·  5
  • E Lady Prismia and the Princess-Goddess

    Filly Cadence turns her first heart.
    10,724 words · 4,615 views  ·  475  ·  4
  • E In the Bleak Midwinter

    In which Cadance I of the Restored Empire is given a very unusual Hearth's Warming gift.
    4,452 words · 3,046 views  ·  402  ·  3

Blog Posts105

  • 3w, 2d
    "Rainbow Rocks" (flagrant, persistent spoilers throughout, obvs.)

    Welcome to another edition of "Because You All Perforce Must Care What I Think."  Let's make this short and sweet, shall we, getting the unpleasant bits out of the way first.

    Category A:  Things That There Was Never Any Hope For Improvement On

    1.  Human character designs still not doing it for me.  No amount of time and effort will make our girls not look like somewhat sexualized and rainbow-hued versions of Mr. ZIP what with the huge heads and stick bodies and all.

    2.  Still no substitute for actual pony film.  Actual pony screen-time even lower than last time around.

    3.  All protagonists are suddenly skilled musicians, when canonically only Pinkie, Fluttershy (maybe?) and A.J. have even been shown handling an instrument.  And Twilight is appropriately lampshaded in the narrative, so I guess I'm only questioning Dash and Rarity?  I dunno.  Let's move on.

    Category B:  Things Actually Worse Than Last Film

    1.  Vinyl Scratch.  I am absolutely great with fandom nods.  No allergy whatsoever to seeing Octavia, Snowflake Bulk Biceps, and lots and lots of Trixie.  Welcomed.  But basic storytelling dictates that you cannot have a functionally nameless character pull not one but two eleventh-hour saves without seeding the plot properly first.  Story structure demands that the protective qualities of her omnipresent headphones be hinted at before they are used to save our heroes' bacon (something so simple as including a version of the the disapproving Celestia / Vinyl interaction we saw in the "Music to My Ears" short would have been absolutely sufficient) and the Bass Cannon Sedan needs to have been at least established (if not fully revealed) prior to its use as a problem-solver.  When you count on an audience's in-joke knowledge and delight over a character to fill in the cracks of a story, that is when your fandom nod has crossed the line.  Furthermore, I can't tell if the creators are putting her forward as a strong-silent master of her craft or actually envision her as the same loudmouthed Bohemian that the fans see and are merely having her stay mute to appease the "Nowacking or Nothing" crowd.  I wish they would just pick one, because the more the plot actually hinges on her the more distracting her silence becomes.  Thank goodness they actually had Octavia speak a line.

    2.  No Candybutt, not even in cameo.  This is not a fault in the story as such, I'm just (predictably) disappointed and furthermore holistically trepid that my functional OC will continue to fade into the background as Twilight becomes more and more Cadanceified.  She's got wings now, is a princess, and lives in a crystal castle.  All she needs is a coat of pink paint and to get married, and the narrative will have no use for dear sweet Candybutt whatsoever.

    Category C:  Things Better Than Last Film

    1-n.  Virtually everything else.  The scene compositions were more visually adventurous and intriguing, the villains had a plot which made some damn sense this time, the songs are marginally superior, plot points are followed through on and not just mentioned and dropped, and the whole thing seems to have been stitched together with a lot of love and affection for the property.  And Sunset Shimmer is handled exactly the way I wanted her to be handled.  The scene where she once again attempts bad-girl intimidation in the darkened hallway only to have it fizzle this time is just splendid, and I for one gratefully welcome Sunny as the unexplained sixth peripheral star in "Magical Mystery Cure."

    That is all.  Thoughts?

    54 comments · 598 views
  • 4w, 4d
    "Cadance of Cloudsdale," the... official soundtrack?!

    I am... a tad gobsmacked but nonetheless unquestionably overjoyed to report that via the generosity and talent of esteemed pony musician Night Breeze/Wind Wolf and my good friend S.R. Foxley, "Cadance of Cloudsdale" has an upcoming song cycle dedicated to it!  So exite!  Very yes!

    Check out the first track, "Reduit," below.  Thanks, you two.  You helped make my day.

    21 comments · 308 views
  • 5w, 2d
    "Princess Celestia Hates Tea," thoughts on a sequel.

    No secret whatsoever:  the number one reason people hate this story is the flippin' ending.

    It's not the number one reason I hate this story, but it's certainly up there.  Those of you who have gone on to read "A Short Story by Twilight Sparkle" have doubtless perceived the autobiographical inspiration in Twilight's experience, particularly this part:

    ...the whole ending felt shockingly rushed and weak, because, frankly, I was so darn tired of writing it by that point I couldn't see straight. I had testily sworn to myself that I would not endure another morning with that stupid "Tea" story hanging over my head...

    ...which is, of course, all true of me.  That said, it's not like another day of writing it would have "fixed" the ending, either.  It's been like two years now (insert shocked-dismay emoticon) and I have yet to come up with a "better" ending that feels right.

    So.  Message received, from like hundreds of you.  You hate the ending.  I get it.  I hate it too.  It's too late to edit the original story, but if it had a sequel, what do you most want to see in it?  What, specifically, chafes your gizzard about how this story closes?  The general lack of all-around happy?  That Twilight doesn't get her just desserts for an entire evening of torturing Celestia with the memory spell?  That, in a world where you can literally turn birds into oranges, that some kind of solution wasn't forced using unicorn magic?  What?

    Please note that the characters will remain kind of panicky and stupid, so if the fact that the characters are panicky and stupid is your major beef, I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to accommodate a fix of that nature.

    103 comments · 807 views
  • 6w, 5d
    "Cadance of Cloudsdale" gets another addition...

    In a short story done for a fic competition!  It was written by Eakin, a master of arts; his story "Hard Reset" is top of the charts.  This one is does not deal with time loops and despair, but rather a fortress and the Sisterhood there.  I'm so glad to see another tale told of our Pretty Pink Princess when she was just a foal.  It's really good work--if I haven't been clear--and I recommend checking it out over here.

    (If you are concerned why I'm talking this way, it's apparently "Type Like Zecora Day."  I find my Zecora-style writing quite dismal on account of my rhymes being hella abysmal.)

    18 comments · 359 views
  • 9w, 4d
    "Princess Celestia Hates Tea" in comic format!

    35 comments · 953 views
  • ...
 400
 16,409

Shining Armor learns the most important tactical lesson of his life.

First Published
12th Nov 2012
Last Modified
12th Nov 2012
#1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

Done as a blockbreaker so I can finally get on with "Contraptionology!"  Whatever, brain.

#3 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

That was seriously silly, amusing though :pinkiehappy:

#4 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

:rainbowlaugh:

#5 · 101w, 2d ago · 22 · ·

A pegasus wife comes with a +2 accuracy bonus. A unicorn wife comes with a +1 to damage, thanks to the horn. An alicorn wife, though... what kind of bonuses does she come with?

#6 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

well written sir, well written

:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

Ezn
#7 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

I loled.

Colorblind dam.

Taking the horse terminology one step too far.

#8 · 101w, 2d ago · 8 · ·

This was a supremely silly story, and made me laugh like a hyena on nitrous oxide. Congrats for another piece of brain-twisting awesomeness! :rainbowlaugh:

#9 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

Yup, I was amused. That's probably all there is to say about this although I was expecting a different ending where it turned out Shiny was having some sort of recurring prophetic dream.

----

Edit: I actually wrote my version of the ending. See my own reply to this post.

#10 · 101w, 2d ago · 1 · ·
#11 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1603698

+2 accuracy and +1 to damage? Could it be that simple?

#12 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

you did that.

You actually did. And did it well.

I applaud this piece of insanity!

#13 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!  :trollestia:

#14 · 101w, 2d ago · 14 · ·

Tactical Cadence inbound!

#15 · 101w, 2d ago · 2 · ·

>>1603711

Hay no!

Alicorn horns are pointier and provide aerodynamic flight, leading to a +1 increase in damage and accuracy.

The wings also increase the speed of the projectile, leading to an additional +1 to damage.

Final stats for an alicorn spousal projectile: +3 accuracy, +3 damage.

Truly a weapon of celestial might.

#16 · 101w, 2d ago · 7 · ·

>>1603698

The earthpony wife adds +1 damage. A unicorn wife negates magical armor on the target. Read your rulebook, man!

There are no rules for alicorn wife combat. If your GM allowed you to marry one of the princesses, please forward his name and address so he can be tried before the mighty council of p&p-roleplayers.

#17 · 101w, 2d ago · 7 · ·

Good thing King Sombra didn't have any pointed sticks.

#18 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

The Wifleman's Creed!:rainbowderp:

#19 · 101w, 2d ago · 5 · ·

But what do the mares in the Guard use?:rainbowhuh:

#20 · 101w, 2d ago · 32 · ·

>>1603741

"They use their wives too, you maggot! I don't give a damn if the guardsponies under my command are mares or stallions, they get themselves a damn wife and they use her for the defence of Equestria! We're an equal opportunity nation for a reason and don't you forget it!"

-Thunderous

(I really hope that doesn't count as RP)

#21 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1601615

Just about the only excuse I would've accepted, frankly. :pinkiesmile:

I was expecting some fine, thoughtful fanfiction based on the new canon revealed by the Crystal Empire, and what do I get? This.

Actually, I really liked it. What does that say about me?

JoE

#22 · 101w, 2d ago · 1 · ·

I can't stop laughing. :rainbowlaugh:

#23 · 101w, 2d ago · 5 · ·

>>1603727

That makes sense.

>>1603734

Hey, just because I refuse to "upgrade" past the 2.0 ruleset doesn't mean I'm unfamiliar with the rules! I'm just not familiar with the new rules. And, by "new", I mean anything within the last decade or so. I don't think they had that property until the 2.75 ruleset.

My GM actually had some house rules on alicorn wives, but it was for NPCs only. He considered it to be a bit too overpowered for regular PCs to run around with alicorn wives. And, trust me, you don't know fear until you have a level 5 half-unicorn rogue staring down the barrel of an extremely vexed ballistic wedded alicorn. There's no saving throw for that, man. You're just toast.

#24 · 101w, 2d ago · 5 · ·

"This is my wife... there are many like her, but this one is mine..."

I LOL'd! :rainbowlaugh:

Ironically, not only was she his wife, she was his charge as well... so... to defend her against the evil, he had to throw her *at* the evil... ...

Seems Legit. :eeyup:

#25 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

lol :rainbowlaugh:

#26 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

That explains why they both knew what to do.

#27 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

"Of all the weapons in the vast pony arsenal, nothing was more profitable than Princess Miamora Candance model of 947. More commonly known as Cadence, or Miamora. It's the world's most popular assault wife. A weapon all fighters love. An elegantly simple <undisclosed> pound amalgamation of sugar, spice and everything nice. It doesn't break, jam, or overheat. It'll fly whether it's covered in evil crystals or filled with supernatural despair. It's so easy, even a colt can throw her; and they do. The Equestrians put her on a coin. The Crystal Empire put her on their flag."

With apologies to Lord Of War, Yuri Orlov, and basic human decency.

#28 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

wiflemen form up!

:rainbowlaugh:

excellent!!

#29 · 101w, 1d ago · 24 · ·

>>1603703

Screw it, I wrote my version of the ending. Here it is!

----

Shining Amour jerked bolt upright in his bed, his heart racing and his lungs sucking in as much air as they could take. Beside him, Cadence shifted under the blankets.

"Shining?" she asked softly into the pillow, obviously still half asleep. Even now, with no make up on and drooling slightly onto the bedding, she was beautiful. She was also intelligent, kind and had a such zest for life that she made Shining feel more alive just by being in her presence. He was, he remarked to himself once again, an incredibly lucky colt. He wasn't quite sure what he had done to deserve her, but by the Sun and Stars he hoped whatever it was he was doing, he could keep doing it.

However, in the wake of the dream, a new thought wormed its way into his head, one that he knew would be impossible to shake. It was the kind of thought that, once considered, would return unbidden weeks or months later, probably quite randomly and at the oddest moments.

Was his beautiful, intelligent, kind wife also a suitably deadly projectile weapon?

"It's nothing dear," he said as he settled back into a comfortable sleeping position, "I just a strange dream. Go back to sleep."

"Hummmmm," said Cadence unintelligibly, oblivious of everything. Beside her, Shining closed his eyes, yet after a few minutes he found he was unable to find sleep.

He did the only thing he could do.

He rolled over to get a better look at his wife and began to consider the question that had been thrust upon him.

Sib
#30 · 101w, 1d ago · · ·

I was waiting for someone to write a fanfiction about this and lo and behold! Here it is, right ahead of time. Nice work.

#31 · 101w, 1d ago · · ·

Monty Python reference for the win!

#32 · 101w, 1d ago · 2 · ·
#33 · 101w, 1d ago · 7 · ·

"Well then you marry her and disarm him!"

-All my laughter, seriously!

#34 · 101w, 1d ago · · ·

Wow. That was hilarious. Thumbed up.

#35 · 101w, 1d ago · · ·

I love this fanbase.... I really do! :rainbowlaugh:

#36 · 101w, 1d ago · 4 · ·

>>1603857

Where is the upthumb button on these comments?  I need one!  Like, bad!

#37 · 101w, 1d ago · 1 · ·

I started laughing somewhere around the "Wifleman's Creed" and didn't stop until well after the end of the story. Bravo!

#38 · 101w, 1d ago · 1 · ·

Hmm. This story appears to be 3 words too short :rainbowwild:

btw, I'd already heard "Marital arts" as comment on that scene, too :rainbowlaugh:

#39 · 101w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1603775 Wait... is there seriously a pony-themed tabletop RPG?

#40 · 101w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1603775

Upgrades, schmupgrades!

The only saving grace for anything pre-2.0 was "but it has ponies!". You just rolled into the dungeon had a dice roll orgy with everyone at the table and distributed the loot and XP. I'm just not the dungeon crawler type of player. Everything was designed on "get wife, throw wife, upgrade wife". I mean, what's the point?

At least the new rules include more background beyond a world map, a rule set for fights and a list of random monsters.

That was just sad. Although the 10 foot pole always made me chuckle. :rainbowlaugh:

#41 · 101w, 1d ago · · ·

I told Razed his would happen. I said it would happen soon. I was not disappointed.

Yes.

This is magnificent.

#42 · 101w, 1d ago · · ·

This is a work of art.

#43 · 101w, 1d ago · 4 · ·

>>1603734

The Earth Pony wife ignores damage resistance as a magical, Adamantine and good weapon.

The Pegasus Pony wife triples the range increment of the throw, and provides a +2 morale bonus to accuracy and damage.

The Unicorn Pony wife penetrates all protection spells with the Abjuration descriptor, and defensive psionic powers with the Psychokinesis descriptor.

The Alicorn (Pegasus Unicorn Pony) wife may select one of the above bonuses at each throw.

#44 · 101w, 1d ago · · ·

Nicely done!

Surprised I haven't yet seen deviations with Colossus throwing Cadance, Shining throwing Wolverine, or Cadance demanding to be a Fastball Special and Shining asking "What's a fastball?".

#45 · 101w, 1d ago · · ·

Nicely done, good sir.

#46 · 101w, 1d ago · · ·

Good Lord, the cleverness... It's- it's everywhere...

#47 · 101w, 1d ago · · ·

It's been a long time since I've read a story that is both profoundly stupid, and yet so beautiful. You sir, have a thumb up.

#48 · 101w, 1d ago · · ·

oh god, i can't stop laughing. :rainbowlaugh:thumbed and fave

#49 · 101w, 1d ago · · ·

Shining forgets a very important fact about the military, it's the Noncoms that run the show.

God I was cracking up by the middle, there is nothing more to say

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