Martial Bliss
* * *
Martial Bliss
by Jeffrey C. Wells
www.scrivnarium.net
* * *
"All right, maggot!" bellowed Staff Sergeant Thunderous, once of the Equestrian Royal Guard. "Today's the day we teach you to use the most deadly weapon in the Palace Arsenal! Do you know what that is, soldier?"
"With all due respect, sir," said Captain Shining Armor, currently of the Equestrian Royal Guard and in fact the stallion in charge of the entire operation, "you're not actually my drill instructor any more. Plus, I outrank you." Shining Armor scratched his mane with one hoof, and took a glance around at the rather unassuming and grimy Canterlot dockyard bar he found himself in. "I outrank you, like, eight times."
Thunderous threw back another mug of cider, his eleventh of the evening, and wiped the foam off his whiskers with one powerfully-muscled forearm. "You think I don't know that, you lily-livered pansy? I know you're in charge of that sorry-flank outfit you call the modern Guard. Worthless!"
"Again, with all due respect," said Shining Armor, with considerable patience, "they're fine colts, sir. I would trust any of them with my life. Any one of them."
Thunderous laughed, sharp and barking. "And you think they'd actually be able to save your life, if it came to that?"
"I do," said Shining Armor, nodding.
"Pah!" said Thunderous. "They may prance a good prance, but when the chips are down, they're going to need firepower! More firepower than you've given them!"
"They're well trained with the spear," said Shining Armor. "And with all major forms of dessert, up to and including blancmange. I don't think I need to tell you how difficult that is to master."
Thunderous shook his shaggy-maned head and belched heroically into his twelfth cider; Shining had not even seen him order it. "Useless," he said.
"Okay," said Shining Armor, who remained remarkably game despite the rather unusual and off-putting circumstances. "What exactly should I be teaching them to use?"
Thunderous ran a lazy eye over the crowd, vanished into it, and returned, a blowsy-looking purple-hued pegasus mare in tow. "The wife," he said, apparently in introduction.
"Good evening, Missus Thunderous," said Shining Armor, with a polite little bow.
"Please, call me Peachy," she said. She shrugged, smiling. "Colorblind dam."
"Okay!" said Shining. "Peachy... Thunderous. Charmed to meet you. Your husband was just about to tell me exactly what style of deadly force I should be training my recruits to use."
"I did tell you!" shouted Thunderous, causing some of the other bar patrons to glance at him and edge away. "The wife!"
Shining Armor blinked.
"When you said 'the wife', that was actually the answer to my question."
"Of course, dunderhead!"
"You want me to teach the colts under my command to attack the enemy using... their spouses?"
"No better weapon in all Equestria!" crowed Thunderous, pulling Peachy close, as the mare adopted a winsome little oh-you expression. "This is my wife!" the crazed ex-Sergeant shouted. "There are many like her, but this one is mine!"
"Oh, Thundy," said Peachy, rolling her eyes. "Such a flatterer."
"My wife is my best friend!" continued Thunderous, his eyes going a little crazy. "She is my life! I must master her as I master my life! I eat with her! I sleep with her!"
"Well, I would hope so," said Shining Armor, diplomatically. "I mean, I don't think you have to master your wife, as such, but the eating and sleeping thing—"
"Hush, maggot!" suggested Thunderous. "Don't you dare interrupt me in the middle of the Wifleman's Creed!"
"Sorry."
"You had better be!" screeched Thunderous. "With disciplined use, the wife is the single most powerful weapon at pony disposal! A trained attacker comes at you armed with his wife, you better turn tail and run!"
"What if it's just his fillyfriend?"
Thunderous's voice got low and dangerous. "Then you marry that mare, son." He nodded decisively. "Thus disarming him!"
"It worked for us," said Peachy, snuggling her husband close. "Twenty-five years since he first stole me away from that low-life mugger I was with, and I haven't looked back."
"Er, okay," said Shining Armor. "How are these, ah, hypothetical spouse-based attackers going to be coming at me? How exactly are they weaponizing their brides?"
"Simple," said Thunderous. "They're going to lift them up and toss them at you."
"Lift them—"
"Lift them!" screamed Thunderous, directly into Shining Armor's face. "Mark my words, colt, the day is going to come when you'll need to take your wife in your hooves, lift her, bodily, over your head, and chuck her at the enemy! And when that day comes, if you haven't trained, and trained hard, you are going to be in an entire world of hurt! The final darkness will be falling, society will be collapsing to shards all around you, and you'll be lying there in the throes of painful lumbago, absolutely unable to finish the job!"
"The job of... throwing my wife at the enemy."
"Yes!"
Shining Armor backed a step or two away. "I'm, er, not even married, sir," he said.
"No excuses!" screamed Thunderous. "Listen to me now, Armor! When that fateful day arrives, you will remember these words, and you will weep, Armor, weep that you did not heed them! Some day, the fate of all Equestria will hang on your ability to treat your wife like a massive projectile!"
"Sir," said Shining Armor, "I think you've maybe had enough cider for the evening."
"Aw, don't be like that," said Peachy. "I thought he was crazy, too. That is, until he used me to decisively end the battle of Rushing Ford. Chucked me right at the insurgent general, knocked him on his helmet, and clang!" She clopped her forehooves together. "Rebellion quashed. Kinda fun, actually." She shot Thunderous a sly little wink.
There was a pause.
There was no reason that this should be a moment on which the world turned, thought Shining Armor. A chance meeting with an old drill instructor, now obviously quite senile and totally bucking insane. A plan that made no sense whatsoever. A highly dubious version of history that did not gel at all well with the books of military tactics that Shining Armor had rather voraciously devoured at Academy. But nonetheless, the air seemed to thicken around him, as though destiny was pressing down on the three of them with an iron hoof. Shining Armor could not explain it, but the sense of inexplicable, inescapable gravity was clear. What he said here tonight, right now, had the power to shape the future of Equestria.
"All right," said Shining Armor, feeling destiny lock into place. "Show me."
"You," said Thunderous, gathering his faithful wife up in his hooves and adopting a lifting stance, "will not regret this."
* * *
Many years later, as invading shadows clustered and gathered close around the Coronation Balcony of the Crystal Citadel, Prince Shining Armor's eyes tracked a falling star of bright teal across the poisoned ochre sky, a tiny streak that represented Equestria's final hope for salvation. If somepony could only fly up to it, catch it in her hooves and snatch it away from the ravenous jaws of the spirit of the ancient and deposed unicorn king, then the Crystal Empire – and, by proxy, all of the world – would be preserved. But Cadance was too weak from exertion to execute a proper pegasus takeoff. And even if his own horn had not been neutralized by dark crystal magic, the falling Heart was well out of his telekinetic range. There was, indeed, only one plan left.
He glanced at his beautiful young bride. She glanced back at him.
They nodded to one another.
"I hope you know what you're doing," said Cadance, clambering up onto Shining Armor's back.
"Everything will be absolutely fine, my dearest," said Shining Armor, flexing his powerful deltoids and quadriceps. "And do you know why?"
"Why?"
Shining Armor's face was a mask of beatific confidence. "I," he said, "trained at the hooves of a master."
* * *
(the, um, end.)
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Done as a blockbreaker so I can finally get on with "Contraptionology!" Whatever, brain.
i.imgur.com/4yTOQ.gif
That was seriously silly, amusing though
A pegasus wife comes with a +2 accuracy bonus. A unicorn wife comes with a +1 to damage, thanks to the horn. An alicorn wife, though... what kind of bonuses does she come with?
well written sir, well written
I loled.
Taking the horse terminology one step too far.
This was a supremely silly story, and made me laugh like a hyena on nitrous oxide. Congrats for another piece of brain-twisting awesomeness!
Yup, I was amused. That's probably all there is to say about this although I was expecting a different ending where it turned out Shiny was having some sort of recurring prophetic dream.
----
Edit: I actually wrote my version of the ending. See my own reply to this post.
1603698
+2 accuracy and +1 to damage? Could it be that simple?
you did that.
You actually did. And did it well.
I applaud this piece of insanity!
BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!
Tactical Cadence inbound!
1603711
Hay no!
Alicorn horns are pointier and provide aerodynamic flight, leading to a +1 increase in damage and accuracy.
The wings also increase the speed of the projectile, leading to an additional +1 to damage.
Final stats for an alicorn spousal projectile: +3 accuracy, +3 damage.
Truly a weapon of celestial might.
1603698
The earthpony wife adds +1 damage. A unicorn wife negates magical armor on the target. Read your rulebook, man!
There are no rules for alicorn wife combat. If your GM allowed you to marry one of the princesses, please forward his name and address so he can be tried before the mighty council of p&p-roleplayers.
Good thing King Sombra didn't have any pointed sticks.
The Wifleman's Creed!
But what do the mares in the Guard use?
1603741
"They use their wives too, you maggot! I don't give a damn if the guardsponies under my command are mares or stallions, they get themselves a damn wife and they use her for the defence of Equestria! We're an equal opportunity nation for a reason and don't you forget it!"
-Thunderous
(I really hope that doesn't count as RP)
1601615
Just about the only excuse I would've accepted, frankly.
I was expecting some fine, thoughtful fanfiction based on the new canon revealed by the Crystal Empire, and what do I get? This.
Actually, I really liked it. What does that say about me?
JoE
I can't stop laughing.
1603727
That makes sense.
1603734
Hey, just because I refuse to "upgrade" past the 2.0 ruleset doesn't mean I'm unfamiliar with the rules! I'm just not familiar with the new rules. And, by "new", I mean anything within the last decade or so. I don't think they had that property until the 2.75 ruleset.
My GM actually had some house rules on alicorn wives, but it was for NPCs only. He considered it to be a bit too overpowered for regular PCs to run around with alicorn wives. And, trust me, you don't know fear until you have a level 5 half-unicorn rogue staring down the barrel of an extremely vexed ballistic wedded alicorn. There's no saving throw for that, man. You're just toast.
"This is my wife... there are many like her, but this one is mine..."
I LOL'd!
Ironically, not only was she his wife, she was his charge as well... so... to defend her against the evil, he had to throw her *at* the evil... ...
Seems Legit.
lol
That explains why they both knew what to do.
"Of all the weapons in the vast pony arsenal, nothing was more profitable than Princess Miamora Candance model of 947. More commonly known as Cadence, or Miamora. It's the world's most popular assault wife. A weapon all fighters love. An elegantly simple <undisclosed> pound amalgamation of sugar, spice and everything nice. It doesn't break, jam, or overheat. It'll fly whether it's covered in evil crystals or filled with supernatural despair. It's so easy, even a colt can throw her; and they do. The Equestrians put her on a coin. The Crystal Empire put her on their flag."
With apologies to Lord Of War, Yuri Orlov, and basic human decency.
wiflemen form up!
excellent!!
1603703
Screw it, I wrote my version of the ending. Here it is!
----
Shining Amour jerked bolt upright in his bed, his heart racing and his lungs sucking in as much air as they could take. Beside him, Cadence shifted under the blankets.
"Shining?" she asked softly into the pillow, obviously still half asleep. Even now, with no make up on and drooling slightly onto the bedding, she was beautiful. She was also intelligent, kind and had a such zest for life that she made Shining feel more alive just by being in her presence. He was, he remarked to himself once again, an incredibly lucky colt. He wasn't quite sure what he had done to deserve her, but by the Sun and Stars he hoped whatever it was he was doing, he could keep doing it.
However, in the wake of the dream, a new thought wormed its way into his head, one that he knew would be impossible to shake. It was the kind of thought that, once considered, would return unbidden weeks or months later, probably quite randomly and at the oddest moments.
Was his beautiful, intelligent, kind wife also a suitably deadly projectile weapon?
"It's nothing dear," he said as he settled back into a comfortable sleeping position, "I just a strange dream. Go back to sleep."
"Hummmmm," said Cadence unintelligibly, oblivious of everything. Beside her, Shining closed his eyes, yet after a few minutes he found he was unable to find sleep.
He did the only thing he could do.
He rolled over to get a better look at his wife and began to consider the question that had been thrust upon him.
I was waiting for someone to write a fanfiction about this and lo and behold! Here it is, right ahead of time. Nice work.
Monty Python reference for the win!
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdbtbnWCZK1r1zv65o1_500.gif
I could only think of this... in addition to 1603692's post
"Well then you marry her and disarm him!"
-All my laughter, seriously!
Wow. That was hilarious. Thumbed up.
I love this fanbase.... I really do!
1603857
Where is the upthumb button on these comments? I need one! Like, bad!
I started laughing somewhere around the "Wifleman's Creed" and didn't stop until well after the end of the story. Bravo!
Hmm. This story appears to be 3 words too short
btw, I'd already heard "Marital arts" as comment on that scene, too
1603775
Upgrades, schmupgrades!
The only saving grace for anything pre-2.0 was "but it has ponies!". You just rolled into the dungeon had a dice roll orgy with everyone at the table and distributed the loot and XP. I'm just not the dungeon crawler type of player. Everything was designed on "get wife, throw wife, upgrade wife". I mean, what's the point?
At least the new rules include more background beyond a world map, a rule set for fights and a list of random monsters.
That was just sad. Although the 10 foot pole always made me chuckle.
I told Razed his would happen. I said it would happen soon. I was not disappointed.
Yes.
This is magnificent.
This is a work of art.
1603734
The Earth Pony wife ignores damage resistance as a magical, Adamantine and good weapon.
The Pegasus Pony wife triples the range increment of the throw, and provides a +2 morale bonus to accuracy and damage.
The Unicorn Pony wife penetrates all protection spells with the Abjuration descriptor, and defensive psionic powers with the Psychokinesis descriptor.
The Alicorn (Pegasus Unicorn Pony) wife may select one of the above bonuses at each throw.
Nicely done!
Surprised I haven't yet seen deviations with Colossus throwing Cadance, Shining throwing Wolverine, or Cadance demanding to be a Fastball Special and Shining asking "What's a fastball?".
Nicely done, good sir.
Good Lord, the cleverness... It's- it's everywhere...
It's been a long time since I've read a story that is both profoundly stupid, and yet so beautiful. You sir, have a thumb up.
oh god, i can't stop laughing.
thumbed and fave
Shining forgets a very important fact about the military, it's the Noncoms that run the show.
God I was cracking up by the middle, there is nothing more to say
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/30010722.jpg
1603826
Heh. I remember that scene!
Jack Black voice: Alicorn wife!? Toss that shit!
Wifleman's creed and this line did it for me:
"Mark my words, colt, the day is going to come when you'll need to take your wife in your hooves, lift her, bodily, over your head, and chuck her at the enemy!"
Sold!
Silver out!