Immortality can at times be a double edged sword. Celestia recalls past memories of the students she had cared for dearly from the times since she banished Nightmare Moon to the present. Now that Luna has returned, Celestia recites these stores to her sister which in turn offers her comfort and tranquility
My first fic so please, if you can, review, comment, rate. Anything at all will be accepted with gratitude.
Inspired by and loosely based off of this comic here: http://misteraibo.deviantart.com/art/Curse-of-Longevity-228243107
Chapters (6)
That was really touching. Its rare to find a fanfic writer with this good of writing. I'm definitely going to be watching. ^^
Aside from some grammar errors, this is absolutely lovely!Now tracking and eagerly awaiting more.
wonderful. please give me more.
I agree with everyone else. Tracking.
I'm guessing few of her students died of old age. I wonder if any where heavily into medicine?
Nice story there.
A very interesting and moving read. Tracking this to see what else you have coming
Thanks everypony for such nice words! The next chapter shall be uploaded shortly within the next few days.
112761 And yes I already have an idea for one of her students to pass away of old age. There might be more. Not so sure yet.
{Pre-Finish comment}
I'm sorry, but I don't think I'll be able to finish reading at the moment.
I'm sick with a menstral cycle and bipolar dog, it's better if I come back at a later time. Don't wanna kill you unjustly.
However, while I'm here, I may as well leave my opinions on your writing style. Typical fan fiction fare, nothing wrong with that, though in some instances the syntax leaves much to be desired. Your ideas are conveyed, but in a clunky manner. For example: "Luna would often pause to awe and admire the fine pony work done on the stain glass windows that depicted tales of history and ponykind. " Excessively worded. "Awe" is out of place, considering it means that one is feeling reverential respect mixed with fear and wonder; how and why she'd be slightly afraid of windows, I know not. "That depicted tales of history and pony kind." -You mean OF pony kind, I assume.- This phrase would have been better used spliced before "the stained glass windows" or as a sentence by itself. "Luna often found her hoofs stopping before another example of Equestrian history: stained glass windows, only masterpieces for the royal abode." Like that.
Or another: "Luna had just returned from the successive deed of lowering Celestia’s sun to give way to her impressive array of celestial bodies that would brighten up her night." I know that character names shouldn't really count, but avoid using the same word twice. It would be as though someone wrote, " Rairty yelled a swear angrily, then stomped off in anger." Redundant. It'd be better to either simply call them "stars" or hit the thesaurus button. (Though I suppose using the same word correctly may be better than raping said referance book. Mayhap.) How about, "Luna almost began to perpersate as she recalled moving the sun, how much heavier it was than her elegant moon, and how she almost stopped wanting to set the night aglow with her plethora of stars, if only for reason of quitting." Expect better.
Again, for a first fan fiction, the style isn't bad. At least you clearly have picked up a book in your life. (That's the simplest way to improve your writing, to read and pick the book apart.) And I would also suggest using future chapters to test out different writing voices if you haven't already done so with private exercises. Oh voices, they are fun to dick around with.
Until next time, write with joy,
DWW
113167 Thank you for that great insight! I'll make sure too take it all into account. This is the reason why i decided to upload this in the first place. It's always good to receive any sort of feedback to improve ones writing skills.
Hope you get better soon! Not just to read my story but to get better in general lol. Thanks again!
No worries dude, another excellent chapter, looking forward to more
Also, i'm not ashamed to say more manly tears welled up
i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb317/Lord_of_Change/real-men-cry-1.jpg
Had this on my backlog for a while, finally got around to reading it.
Interesting idea, not too fancy, not too shabby. Looking forward to the rest. *tracks*
Fancy surprise, just decided to read chapter 1 and when I was done, saw this one popped up.
Good story so far, good use of emotions. Still looking forward to the rest, and good luck with school, as well. =3
Indeed, manly tears.
Another excellent chapter, looking forward to the next one
I approve of the backstory for the Doctor
Another interesting chapter. Noticed a small couple of random spelling mistakes, but nothing serious.
And contrary to your initial statement, I liked it. Looking forward to the next one.
133499 133567 Thanks! I'm happy you're enjoying it so far. I was just glad I was able to finish it with all this school work I've been doing. Confound those spelling errors. They always find a way to slip through. Sorry about those.
Like you said, it wasnt really all that sad like the other two. I know this question is going to sound a little stupid, but this is Doctor Whooves you've written about right? If so, I think it would have been, (or may still be) interesting to include something about his time control abilities. Of course, he's not the only pony with that ability though.*cough Colgate cough* Good job on the chapter, keep them coming
137746 That's not a stupid question at all. Its perfectly reasonable. And the thing is, I sorta wanted to make the reference to the actual Dr. Whooves but not too direct. I wanted to leave it a little open. It can be the Dr. but also cant. Your choice really. And I didn't want to make it exactly the Dr. because I've only really seen one episode Dr. Who. Didn't wanna throw off any Dr. Who fans. I hoped that helped with your question.
I'm really happy you're enjoying my story so far!
A very nice chapter... Admit I was bracing myself for something ultra sad to happen, but this ending was perfect. Looking forward to the next chapter
I love this story so far. I can't wait for more. MOAR TROLLES-er-CELESTIA!
I loved it. I am tracking now.
Also, sucks to hear of you having problems with alcohol in your family authorman; alcohol can do bad things like that. It can definitely be enjoyable when drank responsibly and in moderation though.
My extended family is full of alcoholic troublemakers, which is why I never ever drank with them. (helps that I'm underage) A cold beer every now and then never hurt anyone though.
I really want to commend you though, because even though you don't like the stuff you still wrote the fun parts of it well, and your note at the end tells of the problems that alcohol can bring.
Have a good day authorman.
Happy ending this time around. I have to say I chuckled a bit at the idea of drunken Celestia.
Looking forward to the 5th student. =3
Surprised I havent done this before, but I have a bunch of friends who think Luna is best princess.. pffftt.. I'm gonna link this story to them all.
Nice story,
again I expected something sad but this was surprisingly funny and heartwarming. Unlike the 3rd chapter it was easy to get a connection to Surprise (despite not knowing much about her).
I really like seeing the story lighten up and Luna being a bit more caring instead of teasing the hard times out of Celestia. Not that I got a good idea about what good writing is but the story is improving a whole lot imho.
Oh and Surprise was a pretty neat pick.
This was my favorite one personally.
322351 I'm so glad you liked it!
"Supernaturals" is yet another way this ties into the show, good job. I really liked this chapter, it's my second favorite. After The Doctor.
Not bad, but I was a bit freaked out by how she died (no, that's not a bad thing)
A few errors I spotted:
“Yes, and she had a personality and the magical prowess to match. Her name was Starlight. She was one of the castles many servants at the time and one of the few that was actually able to see through my facade. castle's
“And this is the reason why I am here today. There are many factors to be taken into account befor even considering a teleportation. You need to be focused; you need concentration and attentiveness.” A single hoof was raised. before
454880
Thanks for the comment! And especially for finding those little mistakes. I'll get em fixed right away.
Just a heads up, the next chapters are going to have a fair amount of mistakes. My whole story is going through some pretty heavy edits that will be updated later so i apologize for any of those.
Again, thanks for reading!
I really like that she's the author of Supernaturals
Good job!
I'm really enjoying this, glad to see another chapter and hope to see more soon
I enjoyed this one, but you probably already know that. :P
Huh, I guess this is the end since it was posted so long ago. Thank you for these stories, they were a very interesting and enjoyable read.
Starlight reminds me of me
Are you ever going to continue this? Still need to get to Sunset Shimmer's time as her student.