Satch
Joined 16th Feb, 2012 ·
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WHY DOES FOALCON EXIST?!?!?!?!?!?!?
I've never reviewed a clopfic before, especially one of this....genre. I'll see if I can get through the first couple of paragraphs and try to give you some feedback.
>She shook off the confusion and began to pull herself free from her entanglement with a slight scowl on her muzzle
This sentence highlights the amount of unnecessary detail you tend to put into your work. If you're trying to tell and not show, you're doing it... somewhat wrong. I don't want to call it blatantly incorrect, but it doesn't read well. I would recommend showing an action of the sort above, then playing out her reaction over the next couple of lines of dialogue, rather than just stating one of her responses. Dialogue captures more emotions than physical responses.
>She was interrupted by a shriek coming from their unicorn friend with the dual colored mane, both the other ponies turning to face her, startled by the noise.
You don't need to use commas like this, although it is somewhat acceptable I guess. Here's what I would recommend, on a grammatical basis.
'>She was interrupted by a shriek coming from their unicorn friend with the dual colored mane; both the other ponies turned to face her, startled by the noise.
Also, since Scoots apparently knows that Sweetie Bell was the one that screamed, why did she bother to describe her? Even third person allows some room for naming the originators of certain actions.
In summary, you detailed the wrong things at the wrong times. This, combined with a number of grammatical errors, made this story difficult to read.
That's just a few of my observations; they are by no means harbringers of doom or judgement.
1691104
Run away screaming. That's generally the safest choice.
Granted I find this type of story disgusting in general, so...
projectafterforums.com/uploads/monthly_10_2012/post-716-1350503173.png
You're... really bad at this, huh?
Why is foalcon even allowed on this site?
1691207
I believe that every story has the capacity to redeem itself, regardless of shallow things such as content. Writing is meant to be a free expression of the mind and if that expression happens to manifest itself in the form of sexual perversion, then let it be. It is still a story, nonetheless.
1691302 Amen sister.
Well that was..intresting...
You tend to over describe, and a lot of the characters don't sound right.
Keep writing this, I love it.
ima try it out.
Go on.
Lol'd at Applejack's reaction
Pretty good, have to say though, it could use some revision and editing. Your choice of words were ok, but could have been better. More in the first part, I was immensely confused.
1691079 Because people are people? "If it exists, there's porn of it" and "It's always someone's fetish."
I honestly forgot why I wrote this in the first place tbh... If I recall, the CMC is meant to be at least ~13 in this.
The reason I can "tolerate" it is simply knowing I've been in that age, and I began rubbing around them. Yeah, it's somewhat disturbing in context, but heck, as said, we get needs during those years.
1691104 I do appreciate the review. And would like to think I've managed to improve in terms of writing since I started. 1: But yeah, you're right that I write waaay too much most of the time. Never been one of my strong sides... did kinda help me with the "word minimum" tasks in school but... I will try to work on working it down to less words. 2: Those commas are not really my friends tbh
been trying with them and all other stuff, slowly getting there. A bit harder than it is for those with Eng as their first language but meh, 3: It's fine overall. While I had it proofread, it seems like they also slipped and didn't notice said errors. Can't say much as I didn't see it either. But yeah, I know I need to improve, and I'm trying. Do know I took no offence.
1691288 Depends tbh. My writing seems to be very similar to a D20. I either go really well, decent or fail horribly.This fic in particular was very much of an experiment however. Not to mention written months ago I even improved in certain areas. A re-write might have been a good idea, but not in a good enough condition to do that.
1691744 Well, do know it was pretty much "just that" to write.
1692169 I know, I know
I really ought to learn keeping it short.
And dangit... that's the one thing I try really hard to get right. (bar from trying to keep it realistic/logical) Ah well... always a next time heh.
1694431 Hope it worked out decently heh.
1695188 Chapter 2 is actually already done, just need it proofread.
1704511 I seem to always toss at least in a few "random" in my works heh.
1719970 I know, been told this a few times now xP It was actually proofread, but not sure how much effect it had from the original. But yeah, I know it could have needed a revision. Especially as it was written around half a year ago. Please do feel free to point out what parts confused you btw. If it was some of my "known wordings" (like the term "erection" for female genitals), while I do know many are unfamiliar with them, they are correct terms as said. And I generally use them, and similar in my work, since pretty much all female ones suck. I mean heck, there's pretty much only "wet". Nor any term for a girl having a deep vag, or technically none for large labia either. Trailing off here, my bad
Haha, priceless reaction from AJ at the end there. Well done. Thumbs up + fav
1729416 The story itself had a great approach on the overall choice of characters. I did feel that on certain parts Applebloom was out of character, having a high quality vocabulary such as Twilight's or Rarity's. With most of the story though, it seemed complete and kept me interested as well as aroused. In some parts, even a light humorous chuckle. I would be more than happy to help with characterization in the future as well as any other 'polish' needed for final drafts on future fics. All one must do is ask.
Okay, here's an opinion from an unbiased source:
Good job.
Not many write foalcon (terrible name) for fear of ridicule, so good on you. I, for one couldn't spot anything that would change if the CMCs were older, ignorant virgins. And I don't care.
That being said, your clop writing needs a little polishing, some of the discriptions got a touch repetitive. But it does work for the story of figuring how stuff works.
Do continue this Fic.
For Great Justice!
1691207
Seriously... If you don't like it don't read it, it's quite simple.
And do you really have to leave a comment as well?
1730842
"Welcome to six days ago. The staff and mangement would like to taunt you further, but the hours it would no doubt take you to formulate a reply - based on current example - would be far better expended by said staff and management by actually accomplishing something.
SnarkyBastard Incorpoated appreciates your patronage and would be overjoyed to accomodate your tuanting requirements at a later time.
SnarkyBastard Incorpoated - making you feel like a complete idiot since 1971."
1729672 Thanks. As said, I always try to include some random comedy in my work... almost always at least heh.
1730507 Glad to hear that. And yeah, had a bit trouble with making them all IC, kinda hard to figure out how they'd react overall heh. Anyhow, that is nice to hear. As said, chapter 2 is already finished, it just need some duct tape and a proofread. If you'd offer, I'd be more than happy to accept it.
1730815 Thank you. And eh, I wanted to give it a shot. Along with making "non-generic/bland" clop in this genre. As said, I'm somewhat against the "stereotypical porn". Like, it can be there if it wants, but it's bad that it's the "standard" so to speak. And it's 05:12, why do I always end up writing when woozy? And well... they'd prolly be a more endowed back there if they were older hehe. But yeah, as said above, there's a chapter 2 already done, and I know what the Applebloom and Sweetie Belle chapters is going to contain. But yeah, this fic included a bit of "educative" parts I guess, I like doing that for some reason. And I shall, for Gummy!
1742307 I'd be more than happy to help! Just drop me a Chrome link or some-such and I'll get to work on it as soon as I can!
I read the title in the marshmallows voice from Annoying Orange....
2056514 Actually not that into that series, but okay...
2057752 Just know this. It's very high pitched, kind of annoying, and I read the entire story with that voice.... it ruined everything. I still liked and favorited
2058937 Personally got no idea how come you did, but sorry to hear it did. Thanks anyhow.
Sooo will ther be another chapter?
2288143 There will be. It's current been in proofreading for about 2-3 months. Think it's had around, 3-4 proofreaders as well. (aka: ones that go "I can do that!" then are never heard from) Can say that story wise, it takes a bit of a turn, but then again, most my fics do in unexpected directions heh.
Aww but I liked it so far. Oh well if you do decide to return to this story I'll be waiting.
3054272 Well, that's nice to hear. Really just had too much of a hard time writing anything now a days. Had the base idea for SB and AB's chapters, but really just can't get the inspiration or motivation for it.
same hear
3059296 Can randomly say so far, the base concepts for the other two chapters were rather generic. For AB, she was to play with an apple, get it stuck, then be forced to ask AJ for help getting it out. And SB would find one of her sisters toy's, use it, and it was either get walked in on as she blew her load, or that she did it over some of the more expensive fabric Rarity has, to give the comment "Dumb fabric..."
3063339 So I assume from the canceled status that you won't be writing the other two chapters after all.
5891045 Most likely not. It just kinda collided and fizzled. I got the rough notes for the other chapters. But just dunno what to make of them.
When does this takes place?
6951085 I honestly can't recall... might remember if I re-read it. But yeah, sorry. It's been too long.
6954410 You might want to add why you cancelled this.
6954431 Honestly can't really recall. But think it was just lack of motivation, and/or not knowing where to take the story.
It's such a shame this scenario will never be written. It sounds like it'd be so hot!
8576616
Yeah... I kinda hit a brick wall writing wise.
8580963 That's a shame.
8581108
Yeah... been trying to get back into it, but kinda missing the "zing".
8581854 I wonder what Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle have been up to all this time.
8581871
Only Gummy knows xP
8583282 Whatever goes on in that gator's head, keep me out of it.
Why is this cancelled?