The end of the world. Zombies have infested all corners. A group of 15 survivors might have a way to get a cure for this deadly strain... Or they'll die trying...
Chapters (2)
Raven Smite
Joined 6th Apr, 2012 ·
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>zombie story
>human
>self-insert
I'm liking this so far, like and faved
But if there is one thing I'd like from this, please make new paragraphs and space it out for dialogue. It's a bit of a pain to read when it's like that.
What? No Spike? Uncalled for!
EDIT: I like how you used the L4D movie poster idea.
looking good. Faved straight away
this was featured?
...
WOW. Has 21 likes, been up for two days= get's featured?
Great story, can't wait for the next chapter
.
Keep up the great work
Your introduction was a 171 word infodump and an apology to Wanderer D, it's neither interesting nor attention grabbing.
What gets me is why this is a pony fanfiction. There is no reason why this should be a pony fiction. You're main characters are OCs, and so far the mane6 have only made a brief appearance, and you've just forced them into similar roles to the show for no reason other than to connect it to the fandom. Really, this is just a zombie apocalypse story where the people have silly names, and overall, that detracts from it. I feel that this would be much more at home in a zombie story/fanfiction site rather than here.
Furthermore, you've introduced around 15 characters in the space of about 6,000 words. Not a good sign for anyone who enjoys characterisation. No-one has been in the spotlight long enough for me to even consider giving a damn about them. Heck, I'd actually want some of them killed to free up space for some characterisation for the few survivors.
Your writing is decent, but not very interesting. To put it bluntly, it reads like a lecture, not a story. Look up 'show, don't tell' and you'll know what I mean.
It's not something I'm going to be reading in future, but regardless, good luck. I shall warn you now, this is going to attract a lot of negative attention from being featured.
Brace yourself.
-Sparklight
ohh kay??
1594658 while you are entitle to your opinion sir, I feel you were a bit harsh. Let's not look only at the bad, or if you do, at least add more constructive criticism than "Show don't tell". We all know that, but we all have our own style as well. Think about it like this. What if our good author was simply trying to get the basic intro's out of the way so that he could get to the actual story? What if they weren't in the spotlight long because he was thinking about how to balance it? I'm sure I don't need to say this at all, and pardon me if I am offending you for what I've said. But simply put, it has only been two chapters in, and if you think about it, this is really just a prologue, a slight catcher to make your mind a little interested so that you would consider reading more... Perhaps our author is holding back the best stuff for later.
1595490
Let me just say that I'm not trying to be mean. Believe it or not, I have all the best intentions.
He's not going to learn anything if we ignore the bad.
)
http://lmgtfy.com/?q=show%2C+don%27t+tell (Couldn't help it.
That's plenty enough criticism on the subject. I said what I felt could use improvement in regards to his writing, and supplied him with a place where he could find more information if necessary.
Style doesn't excuse poor writing, especially if it goes against what is widely accepted as good writing.
That's a terrible way to begin a story. The beginning is one of the most important bits of a story, because it is the first thing the reader sees. This bit should be attention grabbing, making the reader want to continue on and giving a small idea of what the rest of the story is going to be like. A lengthy description is not attention grabbing, nor interesting to read. Look at Star Wars, for example. The intro was an exciting raid on a rebel ship by the Empire. It grabbed the viewer's attention, was interesting to watch, and generated a number of questions to keep the viewer's wanting to find out more.
Because introducing the entire cast almost at once leaves the reader feeling overwhelmed, and it becomes very difficult to keep track of everyone and who they actually are. This also doesn't bode well for future characterisation. Look at Dawn of the Dead and its remake. The original had deeper character who you actually came to care about, because there were only four of them. The remake expanded the case to well over fifteen. They took their time bringing them all in, but characterisation suffered because of the sheer number. Most only had one or two memorable features, and as a viewer I didn't give a toss whether or not they lived or died.
You haven't, don't worry. As you said, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
And I'm trying to say why it fails as a prologue. The author's overwhelmed me with a sudden influx of characters, and their personalities don't look like they're going to be fleshed out much given what's here.
That said, I don't want to discourage the author. While listening to jerks like me can help, the only way you're really going to improve is practice. Keep writing, and don't let anyone stop you.
1595722 *Nods* I do see what you are saying here, and while I agree with you, I'm not trying to excuse Raven's writing. What you've said can be put forth as constructive, and yes a tad rough, but that is neither here nor there. Personally, I feel he could improve, but like most things, it takes time, even with assistance like what you've put in. For some, writing is merely a small hobby and a good way to express themselves, like for me. For others, it is merely a way to occupy their time and try their hand. And as for 'good writing' that is also a matter of opinion like you said, just less debated as there are concepts within that others agree on such a subject.
Truthfully, I feel that this is good writing, but to equal that line, I am simply someone who enjoys a read about anything, so I'm much less critical about what they put in or how they did it. I'm sure that many agree with me when I say we simply want to read something, and even if it is not as involved with the subject, MLP in this scenario, we still enjoy it because it is there. We're a simple race really, and honestly, just a hint is all it takes to make us like it. This is more of a psychological thing though, and I do not feel a need to delve into that topic, especially since I myself am not well versed in that area.
Now the last thing I'll say is that in Raven's defense, he is one who has more to his life than the pen and keyboard, unlike me. He has not devoted his life to writing, or to video games like I have, which boosted my slightly acceptable talents, and as such, his writing may not be quite... like we're used to. But he is learning, and as I'm sure you will agree, time will determine how his writing talents play out. Would you be willing to give him a chance once more? I'm sure that given time and a little more support, he could write something enjoyable and acceptable by most standards... Even though I believe this is acceptable enough.
1595825
As I said, the only way to improve is practice.
Only a small few of the people on this site have actually had/have any experience or desire to write professionally. Most of us (myself included) are just students wasting time with ponies. Personally, the pony fandom is only my second attempt at story writing. Long long ago, in a galaxy far far away (Dead Frontier forum) I wrote stories much like this one. Taking pen to paper once again has been a huge step for me, and I can see the vast improvements I've made since DF.
The writing itself isn't that bad, though it could benefit from a bit more 'show' in my opinion. The writing isn't what my main gripes were, its the structure and the pacing. I judge stories not by their idea, but their execution of said idea. You could have a story where Prince Blueblood rapes and murders the CMC, and if it ticked off enough boxes for good execution, I'd thumb it up regardless of the idea behind it.
I speak more for those that actually want to read MLP related content, since this is a MLP fanfiction site. This story, as I explained, barely makes the connection, and even then it has removed some of the more important parts of being an MLP fanfiction.
I feel that we all have more to ourselves than our writing, even those who write magnificently. No matter how good your words may sound when they hit the page, we've all still got much more we can learn.
Unfortunately, I will not continue to read. Along side the previously stated points, this really isn't my kind of story (and that had no effect on my judgement of this story).
1596825 Very well then. I feel that with a little time to advance, I'm sure that Raven would meet acceptable standards. Either way, I'm sure this story will turn out good. I will respect your decision and leave that to you. Perhaps then, you could help me?
1596847
PM me. This is hardly the place to be discussing matters other than those relevant to the story.
1594499 ... so...you're going to murder me with an ax while wearing a raincoat?
(Joke) Alt. Title: Alpocalyptica Now Chronicles: It's The End Of Equestria