When a Changeling discovers that friendship is better than feeding off the love of others he escapes to Equestria only to be arrested. He makes a deal with Princess Celestia in order to live in Equestria. Will he be able to do this in the ridiculous time he was given.
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I will read this, but it will take a miracle for this to compete with the power trio among Changeling stories: Flitter, Remnant, and Thrown Abroad. Never mind the trillions of other Changeling stories that also exist. Nevertheless I shall read and comment and won't stop till' you finish.
I will also act as an editor if you would like. :)
could use a proof-reader.
A little choppy on the writing, but still better then mine
The dialogue is... extremely stilted. It reads like emotionless robots just doing something they were programed to do. Why did Zecora abandon her rhyming? Why did Zecora save a Changeling's life from the various things of the Everfree Forest instead of leaving Nameless? Why does Celestia want to see this Changeling and talk to him(?) instead of just ordering her guards to escort him to the Changelings' lands? Why did she begin to believe him? Why did she restrict his feeding? That would basically be sentencing him to be starved to death, since it has not yet been established that Changelings can feed off anything besides love. Nameless has proposed this is not necessary, but where's the proof? I may be able to imagine my own answers to all these questions, but as this is your story, you need to provide me with the lore you developed yourself.
"coarse" should be "course" (easy mistake).
"'run from your destiny, Nameless!'"
Generic
“I am Zecora and you are in my home here in the Everfree Forest. I found you passed out near here. I couldn't just leave you there even if you are a Changeling, but I had to be cautious.” Zecora said while avoiding eye contact with Nameless. “I did however tell the local guard that you are here. They will be here soon.”
>implying rhyming?
“'Bring him here. I want to ask him some questions.' Princess Celestia commanded to the guard that stood before her."
Celestia doesn't reveal her plans like this. Ever. You'd want "Please bring in Mr. Nameless for me, will you? I'd like to speak with him. Thank you." or something similar. My guess would be she'd already know his name if he'd spoken atall while under arrest.
"You lie. No matter your name, Changelings can not change."
Is this tru faxx?
I don't think there's much evil quite like that in FiM.
Sure maybe Flim or Flam are all bad, but an entire species? There's even an argument to be made for Discord not actually being *evil.* Celly isn't so ignorant.
"land of the Changelings"
Okay no. If Celly knew her geography before the wedding and such a place existed she wouldn't have been surprised by Chrys.
"'Against my greater judgment I am beginning to believe you. Explain to me why you want to come here.'"
You want "'Explain to me why you want to come here.' Perhaps against better judgement, Celestia would give him the benefit of the doubt."
Lastly the imagery of the chase scene at the beginning is very good but from there you don't use it much again. In future stories you should focus on doing this. Pay attention to the implications of dialog when you have to use it, and find some good prereaders off ponychan or somewheres.
Commander672 I would love an editor Thank you.
And as for zephyrus scary. I haven't seen that episode in forever and I completely forgot about the rhyming. (Brainfart) I apologize.
Cody SS
I would love any input on how to fix and improve this story for the next chapter.
Cody SS
The story seems a bit forced.
But I'll favorite it anyway.
1588257
I'm not understanding what you mean by forced, but I am rewriting the first chapter anyway.
Cody SS
1582399
After researching the comment of how Changelings would starve to death I found that to be a lie. As said during the episode Cadance says and I quote. "Shes a Changeling. She takes the form of somepony you love and gains power by feeding off your love for them." This would imply that if they do not feed all that would happen is they would not be able to use their magic. I am rewriting the chapter anyway because I don't think Zacora was the right pony to use.
Cody SS
Hmm ... it's a good story and has nice potential. It didn't flow quite as we'll as it could have, though, but you are re-writing it so maybe that could be fixed?
1581999 Please be one of my editers
Sorry it took me so long. I was going to redo the whole thing with Fluttershy instead of Zacura, but I relized it would make me a better writer if I tried to get her better. I tried and I fixed a few things in the Princess Celestia conversation. Thank you all for the help.
Cody SS