Filly Twilight Sparkle becomes friends with filly Trixie. Trixie is shown the good life and knows what its like to be part of a family, then all goes down hill during the entrance exam for Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns.
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EpicApplejack
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Intro was rather disjointed and confusing as to who was doing what.
"And your not from Canterlot are you" dat grammar.
" 'Uh I,' Trixie hesitated, 'Its personal...' "
Kids don't talk like this, unless they're imitating adults in which case make it more obvious and maybe somehow allude to what's happening.
Also spelled "it's."
"Trixie nodded."
Suddenly she's again self-assured. Explain more there to ease abruptness.
"The scuffed up pony let out a long sigh of relief, at last, refuge."
Use long dashes for interjections esp. in the narration.
"Mrs. Sparkle"
Either our favorite future Celestial understudy dorkpony's been married, or you're getting this name wrong.
Twilight's mother is just called "Twilight." Best to just refer to her as "her mother" or somesuch.
This story clashes a fair bit with canon in that Twi would probably remember Trixie from foalhood, wouldn't she? Why didn't she say something? Why wasn't she sad when Trix' head was all swollen?
Sorry for the grammatical errors, I wrote in 8 hours (over night). Also, her mother's name is Twilight Velvet to be exact.
The reason that Twi wasn't sad, is because I haven't wrote up to that part yet... I still have to write the second half.
I appreciate your concern though.
I think other than the lack of sister bonds (which I've mentioned already), change the parenthesis in the first sentence of "...(still a filly)" to "The young filly Twilight Sparkle..."
Other than that it was a good read, keep it up.
I think other than the lack of sister bonds (which I've mentioned already), change the parenthesis in the first sentence of "...(still a filly)" to "The young filly Twilight Sparkle..."
Other than that it was a good read, keep it up.
Well constructive criticism is the key to good work...
That is, of course, if one can take it
I'll keep that into mind.
Plus I suddenly feel the urge to write another fanfic!