The Insurrection [Non-Canon]
Warning:
The previous chapters of this story are composed of a heartwarming tale of love, romance, friendship and poetry.
This is not one of those chapters.
This chapter contains:
-A disturbing lack of Raspberries (x0)
-”Gangsta” ebonics (Muchly)
-Luna (XL)
-Those hubcaps with the spinny wheel things. (x2)
-Uzis (x2)
-Lots of sugar (Many-Kg)
-The concentrated hopes and dreams of hundreds of authors. (Crushed, Minced and Regurgitated)
*The Descendant is not responsible for this madness, nor is he liable for any bodily harm caused by the reading of said content
The smells were familiar.
Moth balls mixed with antiseptics, the faint, wafting odour of caramel tea and that vaguely questionable stink that old ponies let off. One of the nurses trotted by, the tray balanced on her back filled with half-empty bowls of soup and used silverware that tinkered with every skipping step as she headed out of the sun room and into the main sections of the facility.
A creak sounded out, then repeated itself. Again and again it squealed, metal protesting against movement and a distinct lack of oil. Causing that sound was a mare in one of the room’s shadowy corners, the beams of light pouring through the ceiling-tall windows missing her by a wide margin as she sat in the darkness and smiled.
Her aqua-blue eyes cracked open and scanned the room before she reached out and petted the quilt blanket that lay over her knees. “Ah, hello there,” she said.
Tilting her head to one side and allowing her mane to fan out, the mare spoke once more, “Do you want to hear a story? It’s quite nice.”
“Oh, of course you do!” she said, adding a tittering, wheezing giggle to her expression. “Come, sit by the floor here, where there’s a carpet. I’m going to tell you the tale of Raindrops the Bold. She who leads and she who loves. The Last Princess of Equestria....
The crowd clopped their hooves like there was no tomorrow, hollers and screams echoing out and over Ponyville as the lone mare on stage bowed and beamed. A stallion joined their heroine, scowling at the sound but pushing forwards with a great big bowl of money on his back.
“Ponies,” he called out, motioning for silence with a forehoof. “I present to thee, with all the gladness of my heart, the winner of this year’s Ponyville Pneumatic Poetry Party, Raindrops!”
The cheering grew once more, powerful but short lived as Inky Scribeswell hoofed the bowl to Raindrops. “Miss Raindrops, what will you do with the money?”
The mare smiled at the crowded ponies, her eyes seeking out the comfort of her friends. In mere seconds she found Roseluck and Big Macintosh near the stage’s edge, wrapped in each other’s hooves as they smiled with her. “I want to give some to my dear friends, to help them with their upcoming marriage and to make their life easier; they’ve been through much. I also wish to donate a large portion of the proceeds to the local hospital and chocolate addiction aid clinic.”
“Ah, a true philanthropist then, aren't you, Miss Raindrops? A clinic to help rid ourselves of vile addictions would be truly helpful.”
“Rid ourselves?” Raindrops blinked at him, her wings beating at empty air. “And I’m not a flatulent pianist, I just wanna give back is all. And anywho, I'm going to take whatever's left over, buy a trampoline, a swimming pool full of cake frosting, and about twenty strapping stallion butlers in tight swimsuits, and then I'm gonna.... Are there any kids in the crowd?”
The mare stopped mid-sentence as a peal of thunder and lightning sliced through the skies. Above them all, the clouds formed an oppressive spinning disk with dark tendrils reaching out, flashing white and blue and yellow as lightning coursed through it all.
The ponies below swallowed hard, taking a few steps back as they shook and shivered. Ponyville had grown quiet, every bird landing and hiding, the critters and creatures of the field found their burrows and snuck underground where they hoped to be safe.
The clouds split, a gigantic rift tearing itself through the inky expanse. Within was a growing speck of gold and pearlescent white, slowly descending towards the little town like a brony stalking the toy section of a Walmart in search of an unsuspecting Pinkie Pie.
“Yo-yo, how is everypony?!” came a voice from the heavens, its strength shattering eardrums and sending lighter ponies reeling.
The carriage spun on its side, the great alicorn within hopping out and taking flight to land on the stages edge with a shuddering boom. “Whaddup, mah subjects!” the princess said, hanging her forehoof out and waving it about to make signs in the air.
“P-princess Celestia!” Raindrops said, bowing down in reverence to the deity. “How may we serve you on this day?”
“Yo Ah, not much, ah'm just here fo' all yo' cash biatch.” Her horn glowing a golden hue, the princess grabbed a thick clump of bit from the opened bowl and levitated it over to her carriage. She then began to stroke the heavy gold chains wrapped around her neck. “Gotta pay yo taxes, girl, or Imma pop a cap in yo flank!”
“Oh, Princess Celestia, we would never slight you,” the pegasus said, bullets of sweat pouring out of her as she dutifully stared at the floor. “We gladly pay our dues, knowing that you use that money to serve us all.”
“Damn right ah do. Look at them mags,” she said, pointing to her carriage. The gold-and-silver gilded vehicle was covered in logos and emblems. At the front, two burly stallions flexed their muscular wings, both of them wearing grill-shaped masks over their faces. But it was the wheels that were truly impressive: a pair of thick wooden carriage wheels outfitted with golden spinners. “Check then out! That stuffs worth more than your whole town. When I roll in with them, bitches know that I’m their pimp.”
The princess huffed, made another obscene sign with her forehoof, then hopped into her carriage. “I’m outta this ghetto.”
As the princess took flight and left, the entire crowd let out a collective gasp of relief and began to part ways, the celebration tainted so much that it felt like crunching into a chocolate chip cookie and discovering dates instead.
Shrugging to herself, Raindrops picked up the remainder of her winnings, a moderate half, and hopped off the stage, landing in between Big Macintosh and Roseluck.
“Are you okay?” Roseluck asked, an eyebrow arched as she touched Raindrops on the shoulder.
“Yeah, but I’ve got to admit, Celesta’s all sorts of cray-cray.”
A collective gasp came from all those nearby, and Big Macintosh placed a hoof over her mouth. “You don’t say that sort of thing,” Roseluck admonished. “Thems are fightin’ words.”
“Well,” Raindrops muttered as she pushed Mackintosh's hoof away. “Maybe we ought to fight some time. It’s only a matter of time before they do something really bad.”
Roseluck sighed, seeming to deflate as she began to walk out of the makeshift arena. “Don’t waste your time worrying about it, Rainy.” She perked up, trying to put on a bold face but failing under Raindrops’ astute observation. “How about we go celebrate the victory? Goddess knows how much you like sweets.”
The three nodded in unanimous agreement and began trotting into town. Despite the rough intervention by their favourite sun-tyrant, Ponyville was abuzz with excitement. There was that particular tingle in the air, like that of an oncoming storm only different. Something big was going to happen, but it was something good.
The contagious tingle infected every pour of our heroine’s body and she rushed ahead of her friends and beelined to Sugar Cube Corner, intent upon eating her way through far, far too many snacks.
Standing tall and proud, the candy shops’ doors were wide open, beckoning the burgeoning sugar addict to come in and feast on tasty treats. In the entrance, cast in the glow of shadow and doubt, was a blueish black from, its equine shape too large to be true.
Raindrops slowed to a halt, her friends catching up and doing the same at her side. “Who’s that?” she asked.
A moment later and she was answered.
Long limbs poured out of the shop, jiggling with every step as massive folds of fat fluctuated and waved about. Luna, the largest princess, stomped out of Sugar Cube Corner, her every step causing the houses along the street to shiver in protest. “It’s not fair!” the princess whined, all six of her chins bouncing about. “You must make more, immediately!”
Pinkie Pie followed after her, dark pouches under her eyes as she tried to abate the princess’ anger. “I’m sorry Princess Luna, I did everything I could, really. I stayed up all night and only worked on your order.”
“Then why isn’t there more?” Luna, with a wicked glow of her oversized horn, pulled out a pastry from seemingly thin air and chomped down on it, pouting all along.
“I’m so sorry Princess, I tried really hard, but I couldn’t make more than six hundred cupcakes overnight.” The pink pony wiped the back of her hoof over her eyes. “C-could Pinkie Pie maybe do something else? Make a deal?”
“A deal? For what?” Luna inquired, licking her lips as she bent forwards and over the cowering form of Pinkie Pie. The streets suddenly found themselves devoid of pony life as the Princess grew angrier and angrier. “What are thou going to giveth me to make me rejoice, hmm? You are not that appealing to Luna that she would want of you. You are far too fat.”
Pinkie Pie blinked a few times, the gears in her mind spinning and spinning so loud that the entire town could feel the whirling. “Um, I was sorta meaning a discount, on the price?”
“The price? Do you, do you?” Luna staggered back, jaw dropping inasmuch as her chins allowed. “You expect Luna to pay for your atrocious services? Why, you will be the one to pay Luna, vile peasant!”
“B-but I don’t have a lot of bits!” the mare exclaimed, standing up in her own defence even as tears sprang to her eyes.
Again, Luna licked her lips. “Then we will find other ways to entertain me! Come.” With a final barked order, the princess picked Pinkie Pie up with her magic and tossed the pink bundle of confusion into the store. Next, she levitated her loveless handles and trotted after her.
“This is ridiculous,” Raindrops said, spitting on the roadway in disgust. “Look at that, that was nothing if not bullying!” With a stomp of her forehoof, the mare huffed with indignation. “I’m tired of this, this unbelievable tyranny. Just because they’re all powerful does not give them the right to mistreat ponies.” She crossed the roadway, ponies all over staring at her with marked indecision, like a chipmunk in the headlights.
Grabbing onto a box marked “Soap”, Raindrops dragged it to the centre of the thoroughfare and climbed atop it. It is then that our heroine became true to her calling. “Ponies of Ponyville! Please, gather around, for I have things of great import to say!”
A cool wind rustled, grabbing the mare’s mane and billowing it out behind her as she stood above them all, glowing in the fresh light of the sun. “We have lived our lives in peace, always seeking to do good, always working hard, always being fair. And yet, those above us, our trusted leaders, have no qualms about breaking this trust, of shattering our peace and of idling in stagnant laziness while whipping us into doing their bidding.
“It’s time for this to end!” She puffed out her chest and made herself tall, wings ramrod straight on her back. With a forehoof, she pointed to Roseluck. “Roseluck, my friend, how much do you pay in taxes?”
“Um, well....” the mare said, backing away at the sudden attention. Ponies were gathering from everywhere, awed and curious.
“Please, have no fear, Nopony will hurt you.”
“Um, well, right now the taxes are at eighty percent. It’s the new swagger tax that’s really hard to pay....”
Raindrops nodded sagely then turned to another pony. “Thunderlane, didn’t you want to buy a new carriage? Why couldn’t you?”
The black pegasus blinked a few times, coughed into his hoof, then answered, “I wasn’t allowed to. Celestia passed a law that said that only she’s allowed to have a pimpmobile, and that means that nopony can have any sort of vehicle anymore.”
“Terrible. Derpy, tell me, what happened to all your muffins?”
“Luna ate them!” the pegasus wailed, tears springing to her eyes as she knelt over and cried. Some nearby ponies patted her back consolingly.
“Ponies, I believe that it is high time that we do something about this. We must march and face the vile wretches that dare to hurt us. But first,” Raindrops said, rising a hoof to calm the crowd. “We must pave the way. We must entice our fellow ponies into joining us. For the more we are the more powerful we will be.”
“Ponies, are you ready to rumble?”
And that’s how Raindrops started a war.
Ten thousand marched for the mountain of Canterlot. A long snaking row of ponies wielding rolling pins and brooms that stretched out to the horizon and back marched out. Pegasi from Cloudsdale marred the sky like a black cloud. Earth ponies from Appleloosa and the far west congregated about, pushing carts and honing their makeshift weapons. Unicorns from every corner of Equestria sharpened their horny heads. But one and all they looked at the mountain with fear and awe.
Canterlot’s mountain tore out of the ground like the jagged edge of a knife, rising higher than the eye could see as dark clouds milled around its peak. Jutting out of the omnimous rock masses’ side was the city of Canterlot itself.
A collection of dark, needle thin spires reached for the sky, like claws trying to choke the throat of the world. It was over the city that the clouds congregated, spinning in perpetual circles while slices of thunder and lightning surged out and played across the tower’s sides.
“It’s rather bleak,” Roseluck said, shivering until Big Macintosh place a hoof across her back.
The trio of friends were walking at the fore of their makeshift army, stepping on the well-trod path that gently led up to the castle. They avoided brambles and cruel plants covered in thin, wicked barbs and tried not to blanch at the indistinguishable stains on the roadway.
“It’s okay,” Raindrops said, adjusting the edge of the thick clock that now adorned her. Perched on her head was a thick helm of steel, an ancient symbol of leadership in an Equestria long gone. The row of gaudy feathering sticking out of it didn’t seem to bother the young pegasus one bit. “Our ponies our strong, it shouldn’t be much of a problem.”
For well over six months, the trio had gone from city to city, from town to town, freeing ponies from the oppressive government that ruled them and showing them a new way of life. Ponies were picked to lead and many joined her cause, following her as she went from town to town and preached her message. Now, they stood at the gates of their worst enemy, ready to talk.
“Do you really think that Celestia’s going to listen to you?” Roseluck asked.
“Nope, but I can try. And if it doesn't work, I’ll kick her flank so hard she’ll wake up next Tuesday with a mustache.” Raindrops took in a deep breath of the mountain air, taking in hints of lavender and sulfur and that weird smell that comes from a battery that exploded.
The ponies behind them started to move erratically, murmurs and worried, hushed tones filling the air as they moved about. Staring over her crowd, Raindrops saw their attention rising to the skies above, a million uncertain eyes following the downwards trajectory of something.
Snapping her head around, Raindrops narrowed her eyes as she searched the skies, spotting after a moment’s looking the target of everypony’s attention.
A white chariot, pulled by a pair of stallions, was coasting to the ground, the spinner caps on both sides spinning wildly in the wind, whistling as the princess’ carriage came charging down. A white head poked out the side, adorned with a pair of shutter shades that were pinched onto the tip of her muzzle. “Yo, yo every poneh!”
“Would you look at that! Man, I’ve never seen this many ponies in one place since like, forever! This gonna be one cray-cray party fo’shizzle!” With a hop, skip and jump Celestria tumbled out of her carriage, the golden chains on her neck swaying from side to side and displaying to all the sign that said “PIMPSTER”.
“This isn’t a party, Princess!” Raindrops said as she pushed of the ground and rose to the air.
She spat out the princess’ title like it was worthless and tasted of cabbages and bad hentai. “We’re here, all of us, to give you a warning.”
“What’s this? Yo phreaks here ta tell me how ta act? Gurl, Imma make you mah bitch before you tell me how to roll.”
Raindrops ground her teeth together but kept her cool. “Please, just listen to us,” she said as they reached the same height and hovered near one another. “Your tyranny, your vile actions, will not be allowed to continue. If you do not start changing, right now, then everything that is decent will rebel. We are powerful, more so than you. And you must realise this.”
Celestia rolled her eyes and yawned into her hoof. “Hun, you wacked out. Didn’t ya learn in school that ya ought not waste time tryin’ ta piss of a deity? It ain’t smart.”
“Well, perhaps my schooling would have been better, if you didn’t cut the budget to build a ‘really flippin’ sweet hot tub yo’ the size of a small town!”
The princess huffed, crossing her forehooves over one another as she looked away. “Fine, so ah wasted some dough. What’cha gonna do about it? I’m half a mind to kicking your flank.”
“You’re always half a mind,” Raindrops retorted. “We want our kingdom back, and we want it now!”
“Over mah dishy dead body.”
Raindrops offered Celestia a grin and for the first time the princess’ mind gave her a little hint that she might wish to reconsider. “Gladly.” After whispering, Raindrops spun about in mid-air and faced her make-shift army. “Equestrians, today we take back what is rightfully ours! Today, we will win!”
The roar of ten thousand ponies was deafening, battering the two airborne mares like a solid wall of fierce pride. The crowd surged ahead, galloping even as they emptied their lungs in shout or fired magical missiles towards the castle.
The princess took flight, rocketing towards the sky like an editor running away from bad grammar. “Wake up, sound them alarms, we’ve got ourselves some bad stuff goin’ on down here!”
Like a slumbering giant, the city of Canterlot awoke, lights appearing in the cloud-shrouded darkness and pegasi clad in dark armours taking to the sky. The gates opened and hundreds of guards poured out, forming thick battlelines that reeked of iron and magic.
Still the free ponies charged on, loud enough that their call rallied about even the loudest defender. In the skies the two armies met, clashes of thunder and screams of pain echoing out as a rain of blood and bone began to fall.
“Yo, you the baws of them roundy punk-ass kids?” the princess asked, her ethereal mane billowing out behind her and forming a great wall of brilliant light. “Cos Imma gonna cut ya.” Her horn glowing a deep indigo, Celestia squinted and focused as a beam of light appeared and formed a rough circle in front of her. Sparks of magic flashed within her creation and the princess slid a hoof into it, coming out with a piece of cold metal.
With a flick of her wrist, the circle disappeared and her switchblade slid open. “Imma cut you, Imma cut you so bad, you wish I didn’t cut you.”
Celestia had no more time to gloat before her head was twisted aside, a pair of hooves crushing into her lower jaw with frightening strength. “Suck it, Princess,” Raindrops growled as she pulled back and flew in a tight loop.
Wings beating against the wind, Raindrops reached out, grabbed Celestia by the mane, and pulled. Her hoof entwined in the material and Celestia’s head was yanked back, eyes growing wide as her scalp moved. “You are not my pimp!” Raindrops screamed into the deity’s ear. “I am my pimp.” Reaching down, she fumbled with the chains around the princesses neck, then grabbed a firm hold of them before jerking them back.
Celestia’s horn glowed once more, a tendril of magic wrapping itself around Raindrops and whipping her around.
Like a wayward banshee, Raindrops zipped through the sky, only stopping when she crashed back first into an unsuspecting stallion of Celestia’s army. She coughed, her screams cut off as her lungs emptied.
Roaring in defiance, Raindrops shrugged away the damage as she fell and searched the skies.
It wasn’t long before she found her target.
Celestia was in her carriage, duel-wielding uzis while she screamed obscenities at the ponies below.
Bullets marred the sky as the princess fired into the air without bothering to aim. Twisting her wings around and forcing herself against the strong winds and tides, Raindrops plummeted towards the princess, veering off violently when one of the strings of bullets zipped her way.
Placing both her forehooves in front of her face, Raindrops aimed precariously for the wooden staff that connected to the yokes of the two cart-pullers. Like a toddler ripping through licorice, Raindrops shattered the bar, bits of shrapnel flying everywhere as the two stallions let out a shocked cry and spun about.
Wide-eyed, Celestia gasped as he carriage lurched forwards and began to spin out of control, her body crushed against the dashboard under the pressure of centrifugal force. “Aw, man, you busted my ride. I’mma kill you fo’shizzle now!” she screamed at the top of her lungs as she pushed herself up and tried to face Raindrops.
Thinking fast, Raindrops grabbed on to the carriage’s edge and bit into one of the spinning hubcaps. With a grunt she ripped it out, the sharp edges biting into her as she let go of the cart and freefell above it, the disk still firmly held in her jaws.
“Aw, you stole mah wheels!” Celestia said as she finally freed herself from her carriage and allowed it to crash on the mountainside far below. “That ain’t happen since the last time ah parked in Manehattan. You gonna pay.”
“Eash shish,” Raindrops swore, twisting her entire body about and whipping around with her head. Just as she reached the zenith of her turn, she let go of the disk.
The hubcap whistled through the air, weaving from side to side as it beelined for the very surprised Celestia. With a sickening thud it stabbed into the monarch, like a shuriken that had lost its way.
Chocked and gasping for air, the princess reeled back, momentarily forgetting to flap her wings as she began to drop like a stone. “I’ll show you what it means to be a pimp,” Raindrops screamed as she surged after the wayward princess. Landing on the white monarchs form, Raindrops lifted a forehoof and backhanded the princess. “You have got to learn your place!”
“Never! It’s my milkshake that brought all the boys to the yard!”
“Well, maybe you might wanna add some rock to it!”
They crashed.
A great gout of dust and ash took to the air, puffing out around the scene and hiding everything from view in a grey cloud. Rocks tumbled down the hill, displaced for the first time in eons as they crumbled and moved.
The dust cleared, revealing a morbid scene that would replay in the mind of many for decades.
Raindrops stood atop Princess Celestia, sweating from head to hoof as she panted. Royal blood marred her features, turning the mare into a deep crimson as she looked around her. The Princess was curved in an unsightly fashion, her wings wide open and bent at odd angles as shallow breaths made her move almost imperceptibly.
“Raindrops?” she asked, her failing eyes searching for the mare.
“Yes, Princess Celestia?”
“Your milkshake is are the sucks.”
With that, Celestia died.
Raindrops nodded, revelling in the wisdom of the monarch’s last words. Around her, the battle raged on, but the would-be winners were obvious. The free ponies, outnumbering their enemies a hundred to one, were pushing deep into Canterlot territory even as some of Celestia’s once-loyal subjects suddenly decided to change sides. “We’ve won,” Raindrops said.
The Princess’ body began to move, alarming Raindrops as she stared at the white coat of the monarch evaporating with gouts of bluish flame. The smoke of it wrapped itself around her body, smooth and oily as it pressed against her.
A horrible tearing coursed through Raindrops, ripping and rending her delicate skin and eliciting a massive scream of ethereal pain. Her wings shot out behind her, each and every feather splayed out as a blueish glow enveloped them. Under her gaze and that of many thousands, the feathers grew thicker, then jutted out, becoming fine blades along her back.
Her legs were next, first her hind legs that grew suddenly and pitched the mare forward then her forehooves spiked out, crushing the soil underneath with a massive boom that left a circular imprint on the rock mass.
“What’s going on?” Raindrops asked before a sharp pain lanced through her mind, splitting connections even as her eyes glowed and her mane began to flow on a non-existent wind. Her forehead moved, the bone becoming soft while the still-burning ashes of Celestia’s body formed a funnel-like tornado that connected to her head.
When the winds dissipated, a collective gasp echoed across the mountains. Ponies on both sides of the battle stopped their fighting and crowded on the edges to watch as Raindrops stood.
She stared back, magical mane whipping as she looked to them with glowing eyes and a glowing horn. Stretching out her massive wings, Raindrops shot to the air and pirouetted, scatterings of glowing, magical ash flowing out from her and burning into the air, turning the dusk into a brilliant dawn. “Ponies, this is the start of a new day! Put down your arms, for now we glorify candy and gum-gums! All hail me!”
The dark ponies that had followed Celestia scattered, running with their tails between their legs as the vengeful minions of our heroine chased them, spurred on by their new god-emperor’s words and presence.
Some, the braver pegasi of Celestia, charged towards Raindrops, screaming and shouting about the obscene things they would do to her.
Uncertain but willing, Raindrops shut her eyes and attempted to focus her magic on the oncoming ponies, thinking of doing them harm, of eliminating them from Equestria by means of death.
A massive red beam shot out of her horn, swaying from left to right and washing over the charging pegasi.
Under the eyes of everypony gathered, the skin was torn off their backs and their bones were turned into burning embers. Their eyes melted and sizzled, popping out of their sockets while the ponies screamed with lungs that spewed out thick gulps of acidic candy.
They did done die.
Raindrops blinked, biting her lip as she cringed. “Oops?”
Immediately, what little resistance was left evaporated and nearly every pony crushed their faces to the ground, worshiping their new princess.
That night, in Canterlot castle, the heads of Raindrop’s new nation congregated around a table that had been set in the throne room. The ponies, some of them of simple birth, glanced up in awe at the cathedral ceilings and the gigantic panes of stained glass that towered above them.
“Ladies and Gentlecolts,” Raindrops said as she sat at the table’s end, her wings wrapped around her body like an enveloping shroud. “We have a bit of a kerfuffle on our hooves. Luna, the other traitor to pony kind, is missing. With her disappearance we have also lost sight of the great majority of our foodstuffs. Important chefs and cooking ponies from all across Equestria have also faded into obscurity. We need to address this pressing matter and immediate, else my coronation party will be without cake. And that, that would really suck.”
One of her generals a pony stood and coughed to gain some attention. “I believe we have another bit of an issue, your ladyship.”
“And what would that be?”
“The moon is falling towards Canterlot. And Luna is riding it. Also, she’s prepared a feast. On the moon. That is coming to us at terminal velocity.”
Abandoning her congregation, Raindrops zipped to the nearest window and glared at it, wishing that she were on the other side. A pop of magical energy later and the glass teleported itself behind her, leaving an opening in the wall. “Close enough!”
As she reached the window sill, Raindrops looked up, eyes narrowing as she saw the gigantic grey orb that was gently descending to them, threatening them with its slow spinning as it grew ever nearer.
“Huh, well, that’s the sucks.” Firing out a beam of magic, Raindrops sliced the moon in two and pushed it back to its place in the night sky. Then, still using her power, she grabbed the very surprised Princess Luna and slid her between the two massive rock halves then pressed them together with massive power.
Raindrops turned and faced the stunned assembly of generals. “She was hungry, so I made her a sandwich.”
“A sandwich.”
“Sandwhich.”
“Which.”
“Which pills is she supposed to take?” Roseluck asked, the tip of her hoof tapping against a clear plastic bottle.
The nurse touched the two pill bottles in turn. “Two of these in the morning, and one of these after supper. That’s all. Also, you should lighten her meals a little.”
“Oh, Roseluck said. “So that the food doesn’t conflict with the pills?”
The nurse shook her head, blond mane weaving from side to side. “No, she could stand to lose a few kilos is all.”
She sat down, a grin forcing its way across her face as the dawn’s light snuck between the open curtains of the nearby window. “So, this is the sun room, right? Does she usually sleep here, or does she have her own room?” she asked, waving a hoof at the mare in the nearby rocking chair. The chair had long since stopped rocking.
In it sat a mare, wrapped up in a quilted blanket with a gentle smile on her face. Her cheeks were puffed and red as she breathed in and out slowly. Licking her lips in her sleep, the mare twisted in her spot and murmured, “In the moon, Beee-yatch.”
“Whelp, as long as you can take care of her, she can go home,” the nurse said, looking at Raindrop’s sleeping form. “I still can’t believe she won. And what she did with the bits...”
“Is hardly surprising?” Roseluck finished, arching an eyebrow.
“Pretty much.” Again the nurse mare shook her head. “I can’t believe she blew ten thousand bits on candy and pastries, then ate it all in a day. That’s the wildest sugar rush I’ve ever seen. Oh, miss Pinkie Pie visited earlier, talked about cake and some Princess coronation thing.”
“Oh, yeah.” Step by step, Roseluck approached her friend then placed a hoof on her shoulder. “Come on, Rainy, let’s go home.”
“I am the batmare.”
That’s all folks!
Oh, I’d like to waste your time here to advertise my newest book. We’ve got it in print and in Ebook format! Of course it’s a tad more... serious, than this chapter has been. Here’s a link if you feel like checking it out!
A huge thank-you to all those that commented and liked this work and I bow down to the many who helped in big and small ways to make this... thing
Edited by:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_86hYr6EtqRWFU1X8MfKsb66trHI0o75NmvkWHdKoRI/edit?usp=drive_web]The Misfits
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Um... where is it?
What? Its blank.
Nope its up now
Don't you all know? You have to tap the screen with your wand and say the phrase "I solemnly swear I am up to no good"
Fuck
3040598>>3040599>>3040607>>3040620>>3040651>>3040652
Hehe... Oops?
What... did I just read...
Well... this whole chapter has pretty much been..
Edgar Malboeuf? Hmmm...
3040864
Howdy!
3040869 I will probably buy your book. I've just never been into steampunk, but at least I have sampled your writing and can be relatively sure of quality. If I don't buy it soon and remember I'll get an aunt or someone to hopefully buy it for christmas. I'd buy it now if I wasn't reading Game of Thrones and Steven King.
>TFW I didn't even edit this chapter.
Raven, I am disappoint in our communication.
Hell, I didn't even read this chapter
Well, I guess I will go and read the doc form, and put in my edits to remind you that there are always things that are missed
3040889
Oh, I've been dropping snippets of it all the time! And I'm sure I gave you the link, maybe.
3040884
Ouch, I can't compete with King. His level of skill is... well, it's cray-cray.
Still, I thank you very much! And as for the Steampunk thing, I use it mostly as a backgroundin that novel, not so much a major theme.
I'm not entirely sure what I just read.
Equestria Daily send me here.
Haven't actually read the story, but that's the greatest name I've ever heard.
Who else just really likes Roselucks color scheme?
3041433
Who doesn't?
This was pretty bitchin' .....
Umm...wat.
I mean, it was a good wat...I think...Idunno
>>>Firing out a beam of magic, Raindrops sliced the moon in two and pushed it back to its place in the night sky. Then, still using her power, she grabbed the very surprised Princess Luna and slid her between the two massive rock halves then pressed them together with massive power.>>>
THE CENTER OF THE MOON IS METALIC!! This absolute failure of astrometry has invalidated the entire story!
U GET F- ON UR TEST!! Back to magic kindergarten with you!
3040915 Just a hint: no more meth before writing.
3040651 Mischief managed.
*Discord strolls in, thinking of his latest brilliant chaos scheme* Hee hee! The chocolate cherries will have mayonaise in them! *them he stumbles across this chapter... and reads... tears fill his eyes...* But... but... I'm s'posed ta be the spirit of chaos... how can you be better than me? RAGE-QUIT!!
*Discord runs away sobbing like a little girl and ends up starring in the Kardasians next TV reality series*
Okay, so the chapter is non-canon, but Dropsy's adventure was a hallucination. That means they cancel each other out and Princess Raindrops is canon, right?
Hmmm... ok? And here I was expecting that Rap Battle to be the strangest thing in this fic.
Also, the world might need more Pimp Baws Celestia.
The Last Princess of Equestria.... When a couple of guy's who were up to no good started making trouble in my neighborhood I got in one little fight and my mom got scared.
Chalice: No. bad human.
jeff7.com/ponies/rainbow_dash_wat.png
This picture is exactly how I felt after getting caught up on the story and then reading this chapter... Like I was bobbing for apples and then SURPRISE a toothless alligator jumped up and bit me in the face.
I cant believe I just read all 7 stories in one sitting, but it was totally worth it.
3043489
I pity your backside.
Well that was.....Interesting.
For some reason I kept expecting Celestia to tell Raindrops, "You in the wrong neighborhood, muthafucka!"
But seriously, that was hilarious xD
So... Tell me.
How did Celestia fire dual uzis with hooves?
3044625Carefully.
I only regret not reading it sooner.
Well. This is now head-canon :) thanks in part to my imagination and preconceptions and mostly to fics I've read here, I have several certain pairings in my head, the newest now being Roseluck and Mac. Rose doesn't get enough love, I think, and now she may just have too much.
This was beautiful. Raindrops is a pony I need to read more of, too.
Oh, and although its already pointed out, only way Bloom could get a true sister out of this was if Rose is an Apple already, which makes for a lot of hidden backstory, but her thinking she'll get a little sis is just fine :)
Quite happy this is still marked incomplete...
This is pretty much the perfect capstone for this story, cleansing the palette of sweetness with some piquant absurdity. Thank you for it.
And I find your lack of raspberries disturbing indeed.
I got to Celestia talking gangster, and simply could not go on.
While I am sad to see the end of this poetry and romance epic following some of the various background ponies, I am glad it was here and happy to follow it from the beginning to the end!
I'll keep an eye out for you!
Gangsta Celestia... I died XD
Okay, I take back the few positive things I said about the first chapter. I've read the whole thing now, and I found it awful.
I'm going to tell you why, and I'm not going to be nice about it. You are not a kid writing his first fanfic. You are not a novice author, anxiously waiting for his tenth upvote. You are an experienced, accomplished writer, and you co-wrote this with none less than The Descendant. This story has zero excuses for being as bad as it is.
I'll start with the plot. Well, I would, if this story had any plot to speak of. 'Roseluck is in love with Big Mac; Big Mac is in love with Roseluck; they get together and kiss a lot' - that about wraps it up. Tension? Conflict? Nope. Boring? Eeyup.
I mean, what's stopping them from making out right in the first scene of the first chapter? Applejack's objections? Those feel awfully tacked-on: they only come up a few times, seemingly at random, and neither Roseluck nor Big Mac pays her much heed. Most gratingly of all, they're never explained. It's as if you wrote the story without AJ at first, then went 'oh uh I need a source of conflict, quick - wait, I've got it! Applejack disapproves of their relationship! Why? Meh, dunno.'
No, the only actual reason why they're not already together at the start of the story seems to be Roseluck's random angst. Emphasis on 'random'. Did anyone ever tell you that in a romance story, feelings and relationships are supposed to develop, not bounce up, down and all around for no good reason?
Well, if they did, their words fell on deaf ears. In the first chapter alone, Roseluck's mood swings from denial...
...to bravado...
...to anxiety:
The cycle keeps repeating for a while until they get together. After that, it only gets worse. Roseluck swoons over Big Mac one moment, then gets annoyed with him the next, or suddenly acts overly polite and standoffish ('Mister Macintosh'). From the nervous awkwardness of new lovers who haven't yet figured out where they stand, to the deep feelings of love and responsibility of a couple who have been together for ten years: Roseluck and especially Big Mac effortlessly make the switch, back and forth and back again.
Oh yes, poor Big Mac. He's a completely flat character in this story: the strong, quiet gentlecolt, everything a stallion could hope to be and everything Roseluck could want. If he were the main character, he would be an utter Marty Stu. After reading some great stories starring Big Mac - A Ballad of Eeyup and Nope, Fixing Up Miss Smartypants and the magnificent Keeping it Simple - it hurts to see him reduced to such a cliché.
Raindrops isn't much better. Random havoc, uncanny ability to appear in places she shouldn't be able to get to, enthusiastic moral support out of nowhere - it's obvious she's based on Pinkie Pie. But she doesn't have half the depth or the comedic potential of the original. She's a gimmick character and a boring one at that.
Going back to plot-talk (hurr durr) for a moment, there are two events that could have created some tension. The first is the Crusaders' destruction of Roseluck's flower shop. This is just... swept under the rug. Many of Roseluck's cherished plants, not to mention a big part of her livelihood, have just been reduced to ash. Does this cause her great distress? Does she worry about how she's going to fix it? Not at all. She just sighs and goes back to reading poetry, and the whole problem is never spoken of again. How is that good writing?!
The second event with some potential for tension occurs when the stallions come to repossess Roseluck's belongings because of her massive debts. This is at least acknowledged later in the story, but it's never resolved. Big Mac doesn't win the contest, and there's no indication Raindrops is going to use her prize to help Roseluck out, either. We don't get to see them deal with it - we just have to assume that they do. Talk about unsatisfying endings!
As for your writing style... I left a comment on the first chapter about Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Little did I know it was about to get much, much worse. By the third chapter, I could barely go a paragraph without seeing a named character being called by a redundant descriptor: 'the mare', 'the stallion', 'the pegasus', and so on. It's distracting, it's annoying, and every basic writing guide ever will warn you against it, but apparently you missed that memo.
When combined with other style flaws, your LUS makes for some truly terrifying prose. Here are a few quick rules of thumb for referring to a character within one paragraph:
- Don't refer to the same character in more than two different ways within the same paragraph.
- If you refer to the same character in two different ways within the same paragraph, one of them should be pronouns.
- After you've called a given character by a pronoun, don't call them anything else for the rest of the paragraph.
Does this sound nitpicky to you, or overly constraining? Well, let's take a look at what happens when these rules are ignored:
Roseluck is first referred to as 'she', then as 'the mare', within the same sentence. In the second paragraph, we have 'the large red stallion and her friend' who then suddenly morph into 'the stallion' and 'Raindrops' - again, within the same sentence. Our large red stallion then transforms further into 'Big Macintosh', while Raindrops is now simply 'she'. It's extremely grating and confusing to read. This passage should be quoted in Fimfiction's Writing Guide as an example of how not to write.
The same goes for Roseluck and Big Mac's first kiss. Oh my Luna and Celestia, the first kiss.
Again, I think I can guess at your thought process here: 'Hmm, now how should I write the kiss? Subtle and implicit? Flowery and bombastic? Saucy and physical? Or anatomy-textbook-style? Ah, screw it, let's just throw a little bit of everything in there! I'm sure the different tones won't clash at all!' Spoiler alert: they do. The result is perhaps the worst description of a kiss I've ever read.
To sum up, except for the purely mechanical aspects, this story gets absolutely nothing right: conflict, pacing, characterisation, emotional development, or even the basics of writing style. How it managed to earn over 9,000 views (literally), 885 upvotes, and a spot on Equestria Daily is beyond me.
I guess I'll go see if there's room in the "Heavily Overrated" folder, somewhere between My Little Dashie and The Unexpected Love Life of Dusk Shine.
3425099
I'm sorry.
I'm not that good a writer, but I try really hard! Thanks, I guess.
3425099 Woah... what put the chip on your shoulder? I mean, I'm all in favor of constructive criticism, and you certainly have some valid points to make... but there's a difference between being blunt--"not sugar-coating it"--and being actively, insultingly rude about it. Just because you preface a statement with "I'm not going to be nice about it" does not actually make it okay to not be nice. Blunt? Sure. Direct? Yeah. Unreserved? Okay. But in civilized discourse, the only reason to be rude, insulting, and mean is because you're actually trying to hurt someone.
I re-read your comment several times, trying to decide if maybe I was interpreting it wrong, and if I should even say anything at all. I mean, I don't know you or the author at all, and RavensDagger probably doesn't need some random commenter defending him. Heck, maybe your comment was even meant to be constructive, but frustration snuck in and caused you to be more rude than you planned or something? Maybe you know the author as a friend and this is an inside joke? But... I don't think so.
I can't seem to find any valid justification for a lot of what you said... or rather, the way you said it. It's sarcastic and derisive throughout. Even when making points that would stand strong on their own merits, you couch the arguments in the form of insulting statements like:
Your point there was quite valid. The styles do conflict. But you didn't just say that. Instead, you setup a strawman, implying that the author saw the options just as you do, yet was too dumb to choose correctly. You then kick over your own strawman with a sarcastic "spoiler alert" line. As if that's not insulting enough, you then go for the full hyperbole and say that it's perhaps the worst description you've ever read.
Lastly, and the thing that got me the most, was after all the long-winded statements you made, and the time it took to write them, you then have the gall to complain about the story's popularity! Not only does that fail to strengthen your arguments, but in many ways makes them feel hollow, as though the purpose of your more technical/valid critiques was only to provide a sheen of "logical" justification for an otherwise irrational hatred of this tale and/or author. If you don't like a story, that's perfectly acceptable. If you want to critique things about it, even bluntly, that's also great. But you went way beyond that. When combined with the overall derisive tone of your comments, it's very difficult to read those last lines of complaint about the story's success and not hear: "This is stupid! Why won't anyone believe me how stupid this is? Why do you all like this when it's obviously so stupid? You must all be stupid too!" I know you don't actually mean it that way, but that's how it comes across; like the psuedo-intellectual who continually reminds everyone that he doesn't own a TV, and can't understand why anyone would ever enjoy such plebeian entertainment.
I don't want to start a flamewar, but I couldn't let this slide. This site is about fiction, which needs criticism to thrive. But it's also about pony, which needs friendship to thrive. I'm speaking up not to insult, but to say, hey, surely there's a better way to handle things. A more friendly way. A more pony way.
As for the story itself... I enjoyed it. It definitely had some rough patches, and MidnightRambler, despite the tone, made some valid points on most of them, though in my personal opinion, exaggerates the severity of the issue.
I will say that "Lavender Unicorn Syndrome" doesn't bother me as much as others it seems. If it's not egregious enough to throw me out of the flow, then "mare" is just as good of a noun as "she" or "Rose", and all connect just as quickly to the proper character on stage in my mind's eye.
The ups and downs of the relationship were a bit excessive, but only slightly. For the most part, I think a lot of new relationships realistically oscillate between elation and dread, or comfort and nervousness.
One thing I really did like was the free-flowing nature of Rose's internal thoughts. I got a real sense of a character that has some worries, but also enjoys her life and knows how to appreciate the little things. Some of that was details like the tea, the thoughts of reading, etc. Likewise, in the later chapters, I liked the way you showed a complex series of thoughts for Big Mac, even while his external dialogue was kept simplistic. I thought it was an interesting way to show the complexity of thought behind a pony of few words.
You shouldn't have had the CMC burn the shop down, at least not without really following through on the consequences. It's just too much property damage for the sake of "comedy" in a story where the main character is actually trying to deal with financial issues. As such, I made my own mental edit when reading, dismissing it as (I think) it was intended. Just a quick, throwaway gag about leaving the CMC alone for more than five minutes.
The last non-canon chapter kinda lost me (not my style of humor) but overall, I think it was fairly well done as a story, and as an upbeat slice of life focusing on ponies we don't usually see as much.
3445204 You're right, of course. This kind of reviewing, writing more against a story than about it - I guess you could call it "deviewing" - is something I very rarely do. Even in my most negative reviews, I usually at least try to be constructive. The reason why I broke habit here is essentially the following:
In other words, I felt constructive criticism was out of place here because the author should already know better. Suppose a teenage blogger who's interested in politics makes a terribly ill-thought-out proposal (e.g. 'just print money until the government has paid off all its debts'). In that case you'll want to be constructive in your reply: 'well, it's a nice thought, but unfortunately there are a few problems you haven't considered...' But when a veteran politician seriously makes the same proposal, he'll be buried in scorn and derision, and rightly so.
Another part of it was that I didn't have the illusion the author would listen to any advice I had to give. When some average Joe off the street calmly explains to that veteran politician how stupid his proposal is, do you think the response will be, 'You're right, I hadn't thought of that, thanks for the help'? Similarly, do you think a successful writer, who has a thousand people telling him how much they loooooove this story, would seriously consider changing the way he writes because one person said there were some glaring flaws in the story?
So no, my intent with this review was never 'I'm going to help this guy become a better writer,' as it is with most reviews. That would have been a futile effort in this case. My intent going in was 'The world gave this story 9285 views, 1182 favourites, 885 upvotes, and a spot on EQD. The world was wrong, and I'm going to explain exactly why.'
In other words, you can chew me out for complaining about this story's popularity, but that's pretty much the only reason why I was so vicious about it in the first place. If this was just another badfic hidden in a corner somewhere with less than a hundred views, it wouldn't have gotten me so worked up; I would have been much gentler and more constructive in my review, if I'd bothered to review it at all. It was this story's bloated "success : quality" ratio that made me think, 'This thing needs to be taken down a few notches.'
You could say that's mean, perhaps even petty. The only thing I don't accept is 'irrational'. You can disagree with my points, but they are genuine points of criticism, and genuine reasons why I hate this story. They weren't tacked on afterwards to justify a pre-existing bias against the story, much less its author. In fact, as may be glimpsed from my comment on the first chapter, I was somewhat enthusiastic about the story initially.
Read it, liked it!
I'll be watching you...
I like pie.
3853497
Who doesn't?