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Featured In4

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...and gets more than he bargained for.

First Published
7th Nov 2012
Last Modified
7th Nov 2012
#1 · 110w, 5d ago · · ·

“And your crossover fic sucked!” :rainbowlaugh:

“I’d be an animal with Fluttershy, if ya know what I mean." :rainbowlaugh:

Karl is a riot

This is the best HiE I have ever read, and Celestia knows I have read a lot! :pinkiehappy:

#2 · 110w, 4d ago · · ·

The titles alone has me in stitches!

Can't wait to read this :rainbowlaugh:

#3 · 110w, 4d ago · · ·

Woot, two comments already.  I want to give a big wet Rainbow kiss :rainbowkiss: and thank-you to everyone who reads, especially my followers who checked the story out and gave me some advice before the official posting.  The title, at least, is a departure from my usual; if anyone wants to know what prompted this, there is an associated blog post.

#4 · 110w, 4d ago · · ·

I feel strange. Like everything I know was a lie. Deep thinking time.

#5 · 110w, 4d ago · · ·

Sexy.

#6 · 110w, 4d ago · · ·

Great story! :pinkiehappy:

#7 · 110w, 4d ago · · ·

Wish I knew how the heat system worked. Have a comment and fave. You're number 115 on the Popular Stories list as I'm typing this.

#8 · 110w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1576079

Heat system . . . ?

Thanks for the comment and fave!  I'm not even sure where that popular stories list is, but I might go hunt for it . . .

#9 · 110w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1576131

Browse > Story Lists > What's Hot?

The top 50 or so are posted on the sidebar on the front page. The "heat system" is how the site calculates popularity. There's a certain half-life involved, various things have different weights, etc... It's a mystery wrapped in a riddle.

#10 · 110w, 4d ago · · ·

You have aided me greatly in my own mission in writing that I didn't even know I had. You have raised up something that we all know deep down but don't let ourselves realize. My story is a long time in the making and I will reference you in it as inspirational if you wouldn't mind :twilightsheepish:

Though please don't expect my story to come out in a few days... more like... less than a year but more than three months. Needless to say I'm really taking my time :pinkiecrazy:

#11 · 110w, 4d ago · · ·

... Not sure if I said this... Good work and brilliant story :pinkiehappy:

#12 · 110w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1576431

I am honored and humbled that you wish to reference something I have written.  Of course you have my permission.

#13 · 110w, 3d ago · · ·

This was funnier than most 'comedies' I've read on this site, and its not even tagged as comedy.

After reading the first few paragraphs, I was thinking that the ponies would speak entirely in neighs, making them completely unintelligible to us humans.  Fortunately, your ending was much better than this.

#14 · 110w, 3d ago · · ·

I was completely expecting a troll fic coming into this, but I'm pleasantly surprised. I'm glad you talked about Fluttershy's appearance. Most people don't even consider how bizarre and well...grotesque the ponies would appear in actual flesh. Although some people write them as still being in cartoon form like Space Jam or something. But then they're ignoring the fact the ponies wouldn't have genitals in that case, and there goes their fantasy of getting naughty with one.

Also the barnyard comment was gold, I loved that. You may be the first person to argue that Equestria doesn't smell like fresh air and daisy's, but more like the animals that inhabit it. Anyway good story man, have you considered writing a full fledged story with a similar premise?  

#15 · 110w, 3d ago · · ·

Damn... this is some story. The intention to detail is exquisite, the depth of what steve went through makes me think a lot, and how equestria is portrayed through the story is another perspective of how it would be if a human where to enter.... I liked every bit of it, but it still left me thinking... :trixieshiftright:

#16 · 110w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1578604

I am at work on a novel-length story with a similar premise, though it takes place in a world with no My Little Pony franchise and, hence, no bronies.  It will have more character development, more scandal, and a great deal more making out.  I intend to write it in its entirety before I post any of it; the incomplete rough draft stands at about 50,000 words and will probably come out to 70,000 by the end.  One reader has already seen it and given his approval.

You may be the first person to argue that Equestria doesn't smell like fresh air and daisy's, but more like the animals that inhabit it.

I must think differently from most bronies, because my first assumption would have been that Equestria must smell strongly of horse!  From when I first started writing MLP fan fiction, I've been reading articles on horses and trying to incorporate as much information on the real animal as I can without breaking canon.

#17 · 110w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1580068 Well that sounds even better. Theres more realism to be had when the story dosen't involve brony's. But focuses on a real EQ. Anyway I look forward to it.

#18 · 110w, 3d ago · · ·

>a few hundred feet

May I have than in English?

>Brony Mike munched a slice of Domino’s pizza

Brony Mike:

>the bronies in those choose-your-own-adventure fics

>I need more porn

I know that feel :rainbowwild:

>he could espy details invisible in the show

espy?

>>1575315 :moustache:

#19 · 110w, 2d ago · · ·

isnt the category supposed to be romantic?

#20 · 110w, 2d ago · · ·

This kinda sucks. And its kinda awsome. BUT QHY DID YOU JUST GO IN FOR THE KISS LIKE THAT AND THEN JUST WALK AWAY?! :flutterrage::fluttercry:

#21 · 110w, 1d ago · · ·

Hey guys, this story got a rec from TVtropes. Nice!  

Anyway, the last part got me. It did.  :heart:

#22 · 107w, 6d ago · · ·

Wow...this was a good HiE fic...I think better than mine....oh well and I will spread the word of this fic to friends everywhere!:pinkiehappy:

#23 · 107w, 5d ago · 1 · ·

Yo.

So, Ezn reminded me that I still haven't defecated opinions onto your comments page about this. Whelp, second read-through, here I come!

"He had spent several hours examining the show and had come to the conclusion that Canterlot was roughly northeast of Ponyville."

I'm guessing this partially conforms to the "Only canon if seen in the show" -- a viewpoint I share, btw -- but is there any real reason why you excluded the map?

"He slapped Steve back and forth across the face."

This line struck me as unfortunately comedic.

“Are you . . . a satyr?”

Heh. Nice choice of mythological creature. Fits the theme well.

"And he felt like a fool."

Powerful line. Love it. Enough that I'd have recommended adding a bit of white space between it and the quote. You have a (realistically) infinite amount of space on the internet, and, unfortunately, no real way to get the reader to pause/be confined to one line whilst reading. If this was a movie, I'd have expected a fade-to-black after this part; white space is our equivalent. Sorta.

Ok, enough advertising exorbitant use of the enter button. On to more general thoughts:

Hmm... Overall, I like this. It stood up well to its second read through, and thus earns its favourite. Well, the favourites that I give out when not tracking something, that is. I miss the track button. And that brown thing underneath the banner. And the recommended fics at the bottom of a story. Have I shown just how much time I've wasted on this site yet? Bleh.

Anyway, there's still parts which could've been improved. Karl and Mike, to start off with: Mike was bland and Karl was uni-dimensional. I'd have honestly liked to have seen some reasoning behind exactly why they're watching the cartoon they want to go to Equestria so badly. It's hinted at, yes, but faintly. I get the feeling that Mike watches it out of nostalgia, Karl out of hornieness -- though the "like they [women] always forget about me" part hints at a sadly unexplored depth -- and Steve... actually, I'm not entirely sure about Steve. Some exploration of exactly why each character has this unwarranted fascination with a children's show would, I think, have only added to the main focus/conclusion of this fic.

On to more analysis: this is a bit like Peter Pan -- the play rather the Disney film; I hate having to say that, but I unfortunately do -- for man-children. I'll probably get in trouble for using that word, but dammit if it isn't true: there are man-children in this fandom, and this is a shot aimed at them, rather than, as you said somewhere-else-which-I-cannot-remember, a shot aimed at Bronydom in general. There are many reasons to watch the show, and a desire to return towards the safety and security of childhood and innocence is only one of them. A weirdly popular one, yes, and one of the main reasons I won't admit to being a Brony in public (not that I've been asked), but far from the sole reason.

As for why it's like Peter Pan, one main point. The fantasy existence of childhood innocence without the crumbling walls of puberty is a shared theme between them -- or, at least, it is in my interpretation. That Steve speaks of corrupting it is noticeable in itself; the hurt in Flutters's eyes is a stronger way of underlining it. Other little sparks -- "He felt guilty about lying to her, but he kept doing it anyway" -- sealed it for me, at least. So. Corruption of the childish ideals of the show by a Brony.

Yeah, that's Bronynism in a nutshell. Not going to argue with you there. We're a fandom who watches a show for children and, as soon as that episode ends, starts creating works aimed at adults. Often pornographic, truth be told. Yay.

Anyway... I'm rambling, aren't I? This should be more collected. Sorry.

Anyway, the philosophy-talk part. I know Nietzsche has already rapped you over the knuckles with a stick about this, but hells, I'm gonna do it again. It really should've been toned down in the conversation. It's a big boulder of thought colliding with the reader without a nice, fluffy pony to help make it easier to swallow. Too much introspection out of nowhere can leave a man dizzy, y'know? + Conversation's too much of an easy way out; it always is inside fiction.

Unfortunately, I've learned to my cost that, most times, showing people the example in practice doesn't always work. Bleh again.

One last thought: the time splitting between scenes. From what I could remember of my first read through, that the "second" stream with the trio had, eventually, passed Steve's exploits in Equestria didn't really occur to me at first. I didn't really twig until the bar-porch scene, and immediately scurried back to re-read those scenes in my sudden burst of new-light, so... maybe strengthen that revelation a bit? I dunno. It's clear to me now, but -- in a curiously ironic way -- it's impossible for me to re-read this story with virgin eyes. Heh. I think my original thoughts were that the scene was referring to a possible testing incident or something. Bah.

Oh, yes, and Karl. You really should have expanded on him; sympathy for the clopper and all that. There's just something unbearably tragic and yet utterly believable about a man who, finding his sexual advances blocked in reality, directs those urges towards an unattainable childhood-fantasy.

Bah. Rambling again. Bouncing off with a nod and a thrown star. Oh, and pls don't comment on my page about it. We both know how that ends.

#24 · 107w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1690133

Bronies Mike, Steve, and Karl are all, in their own ways, self-inserts.  I tried to make them representations of the three parts of the human psyche from Plato's Republic, but that didn't pan out.  I entirely agree with what you say about their characterization.  In some stories, like "Chronomistress," the characters live for me.  I know who they are and what they want and what they're thinking.  In this one, only Karl lives, and he's the joke character.  Mike was especially hard to write, and even after I handed him some backstory, he refused to become so much as two-dimensional.  At least he's not entirely awful for a one-shot.

Interesting comparison with Peter Pan.  I read that not long ago, yet it crossed my mind not even once while writing this.  I see that in Mike particularly--the desire to return to an untroubled childhood he probably never really had.  Perhaps he refused to live because he was supposed to be the main character.

My own relationship with the children's shows I love is complex.  My first inclination is to take cartoon characters and drop them into some situation where they don't belong, like a big war.  Perhaps it comes from being a Bone fan.  I like to think of what I usually write, even in my non-fan fiction, as a form of noir that places innocent characters in ugly situations and forces them to deal with things for which they're unprepared.  It's not quite deconstruction in the sense of maliciously wrecking a genre, but it's close.

As for Karl . . . there is a faint chance of his being the protagonist of a Brony Steve 2.  I was going to make it entirely a joke piece, but your words cause me to reconsider.

#25 · 101w, 6d ago · · ·

That was totally an interesting deconstruction of a human in equestria fic where a brony hurts Fluttershy by advancing on her like that.  Though I was wondering about the way Fluttershy looked, is she like one of those untooned versions of the main cast or something?  Because that's what she seems like to me when you described her, but I can't tell if it's the one untooned version or the other.  Although as many bronies wanted the main cast to look like their cartoon selves, I was thinking the ponies would be just as realistic as Smash Bros. Lucario.

#26 · 97w, 5d ago · · ·

That was amazingly good.

Unfortunately, I'm not really one for in-depth analysis anymore, at least on stories.

Favorited.

It literally might be my favorite brony story I've ever read, just because it's so different and philosophically knowledgeable about what it means.

#27 · 97w, 5d ago · · ·

>>2076176

Thank you.

>>1915906

You might think of her as partially untooned.  I was attempting to give the impression that Equestria was becoming more solid and less cartoony as the story progressed.

#28 · 97w, 5d ago · · ·

>>2076214

Okay I think I kinda understand his initial disgust with Fluttershy's look for the first time then now I have a little better understanding on what she looks like and how much it hurts him to see her expression when he does kiss her.

#29 · 87w, 1d ago · 3 · ·

I realized something reading this.

I'm a fan of bronies. Sure, I like ponies, but somehow, this has escalated into a fascination with the way people interract with the fandom. Like the way you describe the world as seen by a human while in it. It strikes a chord with me, the clash of the semi-realistic and the cartoon. And the small study of the fandom and the people within it... part of me wants to re-read and analyze every fic I've ever read. Part of me wants to never read or write again.

But I ramble. Probably just residual influence of your story, which was both hilarious and sobering. Somehow, I read it as the three human characters were just three parts of one person.

Escapism is a weird opium, and we all partake sometimes. While a troll-fic can snap you out, with sharp kick and a stab of disgust, stories like this serve as a firm but gentle tug at your shoulder, telling you to put down your pipe and step outside for a while.

From the disjointed tone of this comment, you can probably tell that I don't really know what to think about this piece. But if I don't comment now, I probably never will, and I wanted to thank you. Not sure for what yet, but I'm glad I read this.

Thank you.

#30 · 87w, 1d ago · · ·

>>2452199

I originally intended to portray the three human characters as three parts of one person, though I don't think I succeeded.  Perhaps some evidence of my original plan is still present.

Thank you for reading and for taking the time to share your thoughts.

#31 · 83w, 5d ago · · ·

This story is the reason why I joined the Brony community--at least, what further convinced me to do so. I applaud you, man, because this was simply awesome.

#32 · 80w, 5d ago · 1 · ·

Ahh, now this is story I like to read. A HiE story that's so twisted and perverted that really satisfies me in such a sadistic note, for it really plays well in delivering a emotional experience. I applaud for the message behind it, as I had thought a concept that is similar to the story.

What would be one key difference of a human in the realistic Earth and that of a pony that exist in a world that's made for little girls? They have a heart of child, pure and innocent, as they cannot comprehend anything beyond simple things that would be too complicated to understand. Have they faced any heart-breaking betrayal, perhaps dealt with witnessing cold murder first-hand, or even have the knowledge of how their simple actions can be mistaken with a dark and perverted second meaning?

Most likely not, as they are the reflections of being in a realm that is so innocent and free where (for all intents and purposes) they take life for granted and think of the world as such like any well-behaved child. And like any child, their fragile perception of the world can be easily broken, for when something terrible happens to them, their hearts are torn asunder. They are forever scarred and hurt, no longer being happy, as it will haunt them for the rest of their days and becomes a different person as a result.

In comes with death for the heart of a child, and  new life begins for one that is no longer pure-minded, as they no longer have pleasures from such simple-minded tasked they enjoyed so long before. I imagine that Brony Steve realizes that he robbed Fluttershy of her innocence, trust and happiness, as this poor experience (albeit minor to a common human being in Earth) will traumatized her for the rest of her days, which would leave him heavily guilty for ruining one who holds a mind-set such a pure innocent being.

And for what reason behind it, to have Steve act out on his temptations? No doubt that the truth of what he has done will haunt him for the rest of his life.

Bah, anyhow, I like it how you cut the events into before and after of what happens in the character's stay in Equestria that teases the readers of what actually happen between him and Fluttershy. Very clever how the story ends with the quote from Andrew Lang, which would really explain well about Equestria's fundamental nature.

It sadden me that this magnificent story doesn't hold as much views as great as the well-structured message behind it. But, the rating/approval system is over-rated anyways. I really enjoy reading story that can deliver a meaningful and tragic message/theme that help challenges one perspective about the world, amongst other things.

Bravo, overall , bravo indeed. I enjoyed reading this story when I came across the latest comment that directed me here from "The Mixed-Up Life of Brad". I can't wait to read your other existing work that you made.

#33 · 78w, 2d ago · · ·

This shouldn't be in Christian's Haven.

#34 · 78w, 2d ago · · ·

>>2753403

This discussion probably belongs in that group rather than here, but did you read the story and pay attention to its themes?

#35 · 76w, 6d ago · · ·

I laughed, I cried. Literally the only thing that bothered me was the use of a few ten-dollar words. Bravo. :pinkiehappy:

#36 · 72w, 2d ago · · 5 ·

Hmm. I did not predict the ending. Though I came away feeling like it would have been better if it had instead ended with a cliche role reversal: he changes his mind about wanting to kiss her, because she's a horse, but it turns out that she was completely expecting it to be a sexual encounter, gets annoyed at his reluctance and proceeds to rape him.

#37 · 66w, 4d ago · · ·

The bit about ponies actually looking quite...unsettling reminds me of a fic called The Outbreak, which seemed like it was set in a world where little mutant horses are basically living out The Truman Show. Unlike that story, this one is actually pretty good. It doesn't do much that I like, but I still recognize good writing, which this certainly is.

#38 · 53w, 6d ago · · ·

*Draws a deep breath — Rant begins*

It always has been a odd discrepancy, in many stories, that a hybridisation of the human realm with the equine realm doesn't bring up the juxtapositions of the experience of the other: is our worlds grass similar to theirs and etc.? It is in the details a good story lies; not the sweeping gestures. Our nature set in a engagement with theirs, and how our obvious dissimilarities will evocate a, cloaked or open, response in the other; this is something that many similar stories just glints over, as if it doesn't mean anything to the characters.

I love confrontation of this kind; it's interesting to see how the author manage to depict characters struggling with what they consider odd, scary or down right perverted in the nature of others. For me the main story always is ensconced in the back-seat as I see it as only a propellant to learn more about the characters; and hopefully something about the backdrop along the way. Then, this becomes, sort of, the actual story: the 'befriending' of its characters.      

It's interesting to see at least someone exerting an effort at it — a good effort this is. The story is a bit of a stab to the heart. It sort of make one feel guilty of a great injustice against a non-entity; delivered by the lack of consideration the characters displays and the sordid intentions expressed, how language is used in context to their favourite show and its characters, especially, in light of how little respect they actually consider this profound implication of being able to meet with these individuals and their effect upon them.

It's seamy naiveness, for they harbour no malcontent, they're just inexperienced and naturally made selfish by it. Without being melodramatic; the discomfort — the feeling of embarrassment and guilt — is entirely inheriting to and within the story told; not outside it as if it would relate to something actual.  

Although I descried the twist right from the beginning — this isn't bragging, there's a point — I kept on reading. My interested rested in how you would go about making that twist, the realisation and the acceding closure; how it would change the characters. The execution of it all was verily satisfactory done.

One of the story's quite straightforward message is: that it's a perversion and impertinence in the way any character is being treated in imagination as mere objects to possess; to utilize; compacted into 2D-representations of themselves (To assure: yes, I'm verily aware of the fact that this is fiction. But my cerebration is done within the story. Aside: Also, its morals can be applied outside of it).

I do approve how the fact that you made their world much more believable by describing, what some might consider, less nice details. Like all the bird droppings; the smell; Fluttershy's body seen as a mite grotesque; all those details left out be the show these three teenagers been watching — that their world, this equine-world, is real and its inhabitants are distinct beings.

The impact this has on Steve when he realises, as he watch Fluttershy, that she's her own person and when he clenches that piece of plastic, a physical vestige of Fluttershy, for me, it signifies a battle inside of him taking place. A battle, between the real vs imagined, and what this mean for his intention and the effect on her. Also, this means that he can't predict her reaction or at least feel secure enough with his predictions.  

This sudden enlightenment, being openly expressed for the reader, as he feels bad for lying or when he realises that he don't wish to go through with the initial plan; that he actually does just baffles me — even though I understand why you made that choice. But within the story, I guess the reason why that he did choose to hurt her, intentionally. Could be blamed most likely on stress and fear of this possibly being the one and only chance to consummate his selfish wish.  

I mean... I could go on for quite a bit here. Write and write; explain what I liked and why. What I believe my little mind is able to comprehend as instilled messages behind the story, what they mean and what you — the person behind — is actually trying to explain why desires; especially sexual ones; heaped upon fictional characters are stillborn as carriers of fulfilment for needs of any tangible strain. How, at heart, this is sad if one goes astray. wilfully or not, being ginned by the fancy of easy gains.

*Rant over — wheeze exhausted, swipe sweat off my strained forehead*  




      

#39 · 44w, 12h ago · · ·

Hey, Davidson, what significance does Mimsy Were the Borogoves have in this story? That is to say, did you choose it for the portal macguffin because it's weird-sounding and obscure, or is there some deeper reason?

#41 · 36w, 6h ago · · ·

>>4224074

Man, I know it's a real thing. I'm asking if there's anything significant about the short story that made it relevant to this one, or if its inclusion as a plot device was an arbitrary decision. After all, you need to get to Equestria before you can make out with ponies in Equestria.

It's a bit difficult. On one hand, Mimsy Were the Borogoves is obscure and funny-sounding, so why not say it's got mystical powers? On the other hand, this is Davidson we're talking about. Is this kind of subtlety really beyond him?

#42 · 34w, 24m ago · · ·

Well, Deej, I introduced a friend to your work by reading this out loud to him. I think it's had the intended impact - a rethinking of our place as bronies and fans and the kind of expectations and content we create. He counted himself as most similar to Karl in the story, but was quite affected by the ramifications of Steve's actions, and our own, as the story went on.

Amazing that it's been over a year since I first read this. In re-engaging it tonight, I really think I can trace my continued enjoyment of the show as a children's show to the kind of mindset this story helped me find. This isn't Scripture, but God's grace to make one wise is all up in this. Thanks again for sharing.

#43 · 31w, 2d ago · · ·

>>3949830

I know you asked this a long time ago, but somehow I missed it.  "Mimsy Were the Borogoves" is, of course, one of that small handful of really, really famous sf stories.  I admit I chose it for the portal MacGuffin because it explains how to create a rift in the space-time continuum with junk in your bedroom, which means a group of average guys could do it.

Also, I thought using it was funny.

Admittedly, there's no deeper significance because "Mimsy Were the Borogoves," as far as I can tell, doesn't have any.  It does, however, make an amusing employment of the "higher math gives you superpowers" conceit, which was also employed effectively by A. E. van Vogt in his World of Null-A.

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