Twilight Sparkle starts to develop strange and alarming symptoms after learning that Rainbow Dash helped her earn her cutie mark.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This is the story that resulted from an idea that popped into my head after watching “The Cutie Mark Chronicles”. I tried my best to make it similar to an episode in its format, genre, and style.
To be honest, this is the first full-blown story I’ve ever written. I wanted to challenge myself and see if I could actually go through with making a story from start to finish. Since I’m new to the writing scene, any criticism is super-greatly encouraged and appreciated.
And hey, if enough people like the story, I might make another. Maybe I’ll focus on Applejack next time, seeing how she’s not even in this one.
...No more romance, though. I felt bad going into great detail about Rainbow Dash’s backside.
I'm new to this fan-fiction stuff, too. I'm not sure how to make good, constructive criticism. I could highlight certain passages, but that would just be nit-picking.
I'm not even a fan of Twidash, but I enjoyed this. Good job!
Cute. It also wouldn't hurt to mention that her Sonic Rainboom caused her to hatch Spike; that was also a pretty important part of the same event.
Oh, and Spike's reaction this kinda contradicts his attitude in the show. He acts the same way toward Rarity and he's more mature than you described him here. But if you feel like breaking canon for a small laugh, who am I to criticize.
But Dash has such a nice backside....
Actually, I think this works pretty well. You've integrated Twi's two Exasperating Aspects -- cluelessness and frustration -- very deftly. The scene with Rarity is first-rate. And Dash is, well, Dashlike throughout.
I concede that romance is frustrating to write at times. But it has its rewards.
Wasn't the best I have ever read but certainly wasn't the worst. I'd say with a bit of practicing you could improve a lot more.
Sonic the Hedgehog reference much?
th07.deviantart.net/fs70/200H/f/2012/213/a/5/bitch_please_i__m_fabulous_by_snivy94-d59eq2i.jpg
Yeah.
I always use images to help convey my thoughts.
Ahahahhhahhaha... yes
This was very cute and had so many d'aww moments. I especially enjoyed your characterization of Twilight and particularly of Fluttershy not wanting to let her in on what was happening. I really do think thats how Rainbow would react treating everything like a joke. All told a great read and can't wait to see more from you
I liked how you had Twilight clueless with Rainbow pranking her, then Twilight calls her on it all. A unique and interesting approach, well done! Also, that ending with Spike, too funny~
I couldn't give you actual hints on it, but there was something a little ... off about your writing style. Some clunky sentences and stuff. The only real problem I saw is that there are a couple of instances where the tense you've used is a bit skewed. And other times where you've kinda injected your own narrator's voice into the story on top of the others. Unless I was doing an actual beta-reading, I wouldn't be able to offer any examples or advice, but it may just be something that comes with time when you develop your own narrative voice.
Leaving off style, this was a cute story. Quite an original (as far as I've seen. Don't scream at me if you've seen fics like this before, other readers) take on the TwiDash relationship. It seems so plausible that Twilight would have no clue that she had a crush, because to her, it isn't something that can be solved by academics and logic. Feelings aren't a cause-and-effect thing, especially if they suddenly develop like that.
Well, enough of that. Bravo! I enjoyed this story. Especially the scene where Dashie is teasing her. I could picture it in my mind. Lol.
1554850
Yeah, that was awkward to read.
1560337
I see what you did there.
"It takes two to make a thing go right!"
"It takes one to admire one!"
1560337
So, are we just going to do this for every new release since Mass Effect 3?
Okay...
1559914
I can see what you mean.
However, I wanted to portray Spike's willingness to go into denial or keep secrets about certain aspects of himself (which he certainly does, like when he refuses to admit that he actually wants to go to the Gala in "The Ticket Master"). And I wanted to explore the idea of him observing two characters being mushy with each other (who aren't himself or Rarity), because if I recall, that hasn't really happened in the show yet. Spike could easily react negatively to such behavior despite the fact that he acts like that all the time around Rarity, and since it's his best friend who's acting in such a way, he could also become extremely worried that she's going to start acting differently in other areas and thereby make him "lose" his best friend.
But, seeing how Spike is only in two very short scenes in this story, I guess I didn't do that good of a job portraying this idea.
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1559809
Trust me, I'm all about nit-picking. Nit-pick away!
Amazing first showing. Though you may have felt a little awkward about your description of Rainbow's ehem, it was generally clean and hinted at Twilight's uncomfortableness well. A few parts could've been drawn out more, but overall well written and it came together nicely. Adorkably Naive Twilight is Best Twilight.
The only quirk that really stands out is the point of view shifts that keep slipping back and forth. It's most noticeable when Twilight and Rainbow are together and descriptors for each pony shift in ways they would not consider themselves. Who we're seeing the story through requires a shift in the approach to writing, in short, who is narrating the story.
This may help explain a bit: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narrator
Although it's fair game to shift perspective after a break in narration, such as between scenes, or if something else occurs that shows a clear shift between them, this story jumps too often at a couple points, and while it does let us see in each pony's head, there are better ways to do that, such as describing the reaction through others' view of them. It's especially glaring when we've had an ongoing scene focusing on Twilight's perspective, but the narration interjects her as "egghead", something she would not so casually think about herself as (she would need appropriate leadup to make her call herself such).
Please don't take this as a huge criticism, story as a whole is great, I'm mostly writing so much on it because you asked for criticism, and this seems to be what Lhmac described as "but there was something a little ... off about your writing style"
Good luck with your writing. I'll be looking forward to seeing your next plot. (haha! I'm a horrible pony...)
1561800
I completely see what you mean. I wanted to go with a seamless change between points of view that happened multiple times during a scene, but you're right; without a distinct break or cue to indicate that the point of view is changing, the constant switching can make it very hard to keep track of who's currently narrating, and thereby making the reader's experience a very jarring one as they double back to try and figure out when the switch happened.
So, I'll try to make the switches more obvious next time, and, if need be, less frequent. Thanks!
"Giving the world a satisfied sigh, she tucked her forehooves behind her head, crossed one hind leg over the other, and closed her eyes.
A few seconds later, her ears picked up that signature twinkle of magic, a burst of energy, and a light swooshing sound. Then something blocked the sun from her face. The change made her scrunch up her face for a moment, but ultimately she relaxed and opened her eyes."
This transition was terrible and incredibly confusing...I had to go over it a couple times before I realized you switched to Rainbow Dash to being "her".
But other than that part...I just kind of agree with Lhmac. The writing seems off...and it's hard to tell what it is. Highlighting different passages would mostly be useless because it's throughout the story. But here's one:
"Spike stopped writing mid-sentence and cautiously turned toward Twilight just to make sure she wasn't really just an impostor using her voice. She had her head propped up on her forehooves and was gazing out the window of the library. She very well might’ve been an imposter, seeing how she had one of the dumbest smiles he’d ever seen on her face."
I can't exactly say what's "bad" about it...it just feels like it could be written better. Like I said, hard to explain what it is about it.
1561719 Yep, I see what you mean.
Ah, except you fail to recall that he was the ring bearer at a wedding. It seems you have derped.
1561945
I did consider that, but in my opinion, the scenes from the wedding weren't particularly mushy.
1561866
A large number of transitions is fine, but avoid transitions mid-scene. A good way to describe it is watching Scrubs. Although a single episode may follow many characters, every given scene starts with a focus on one and holds that focus until they're ready to move to the next scene, where even if the same character is there, the focus may have shifted entirely and someone else be the narration point that the rest of the cast is being observed through instead.
One episode that comes to mind in particular focuses on Dr. Cox's depression after losing a patient, but even though he's the centerpiece of the episode, he's never the narrator. You never see it through his eyes. Instead all of the other characters who visit him are how you see the episode, and see him as a result. By the end of the episode, even though we never get a JD style "in his head" moment, we know exactly how he feels and what he's going through, and you can really feel why it gets to him so much.
For your next story, why not try telling a story through a single character's point of view? There are a few very good stories here on fim that tell a story from one viewpoint, then retell the same story through another character. These would be a good thing to find and read to get a better idea of how a scene can unfold the same way with two different views.
Huh, guess I should take down that telescope then...
My forehead has this weird hand shaped mark on it...
t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRkZoRlRE3av-bnCzmyq2jEhho_l4XTXQBMyXatp1YBM3MD03P1rg
1554850
That was brilliantly done. I was laughing and D'Aaawing the whole time. You made Twilight so adorkable...and that whole part with Fluttershy, especially the "good girl" and Celestia lines...//dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Fluttershy_lolface.png //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Rainbow_Dash_lolface.png //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png
//dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Pinkie_loool.png //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Pinkie_loool.png //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Pinkie_loool.png //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Pinkie_loool.png //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Pinkie_loool.png //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Pinkie_loool.png //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Pinkie_loool.png
Hail the new couple!
fc07.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/308/c/8/chrysalis_caramelldansen_by_tomdantherock-d5jxxg5.gif
lololololololololol "Twilight, it sounds like you have a ...... " and twilight has no idea. LOL! Love it, truly love it, now i better get back to finishing the chapter.
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1560015
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I suffer the same.
lol WHAT? its over? not cool.....need moar.......
(the tone behind my "WHAT?" can be found in the following video at 4:33)
Good read
1561403
Hello
It's rare to see a good TwiDash story. Most have little justification or buildup. But the way you approached this was quite clever. The "Twilight is Clueless" thing has been done quite often before, but I personally have never seen it applied to shipping, and in here, it certainly works well.
I am not a fan of shipping, but I am always willing to make an exception if the story is good enough.
1561895
Wow. Now that I look at it, yeah, that section goes way too long without using any proper indication of who's being focused on. I changed a "she" and a "her" in there to hopefully clear that up a little better.
solid
1554850
Psh, there's no reason to feel bad about it. From the characters' perspective to ours it's no different than one of us seeing someone attractive do the same thing, and bears description. Anything else is just some feeling unnecessarily attached to it.
Regardless, the whole story was cute. It's always great to see adorkable Twilight trying to figure out her romantic issues.
LOL... The Egghead is so clueless she doesn't even realize she's being shipped! ...
Too cute...
Still a better love story than "The Twilight Saga"
SparkleDash trumps grumpiness. Yay you. A nice, enjoyable read.
I can see the starting point of what could be a much bigger story if you wanted to expand on it. You captured their personalites quite well.
)
(may need to excuse my poor spelling
Good work
Very enjoyable read.
Ill be watching you.
1559809Nitpicking is what writing and revision is about.
See, this is the kind of shipfic I like. Nothing heavy handed, nothing "OMG OTP!" Just funny, slightly unrealistic (as is all shipping), but pretty much for fun. And "I kinda think my friend has a really nice butt" is in fact probably one of the single most believable shipping lead-in concepts I have ever seen. Really.
I guess you could say Twilight wanted to cum inside Rainbow Dash
(I'm sorry for that, my inner /mlp/ forced me to type it)
Well, actually Angel the rabbit belongs to the Order of Lagomorpha so he is actually a lagomorph, not a rodent like mice which belongs to the Order of Rodentia. This is something which many are confused over with, but being an Egghead has its pros!
Still, a nice story, keep up the good work!
1565592
Whoa, good catch.
Changed "rodent" to "rabbit". Twilight's narrating that scene, and she'd be the last character to get something like that wrong.
OK, here's a problem:
"Don't get her wrong": The way this is phrased causes the narrator to be directly speaking to the reader, which is usually considered a no-no unless it's an intentional stylistic approach. If you changed the "her" to "me" that would alternately turn the narrative into either 1st person perspective, or make it a character thought. Alternately, use something like "Of course" instead.
"It’s just...": You are either slipping into present tense (it's can only be used to contract "it is" and "it has"), slipping into speaking directly to the reader (the "..." after just is a verbal cue), or you are writing a character thought (the following word "she" makes it clear this is regular narration).
Basically the whole paragraph is littered with phraseology that makes more sense as inner or direct dialogue than regular narration.
Those highlighted parts indicate a full shift to RD's perspective due to her personality's influence on the narration. However the transition id abrupt and jarring, a softer lead in, for instance a direct character thought.
Also, most of the extra high paragraph breaks are unnecessary. You should only use those for a major change, not between parts of a scene.
SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL!
1565429
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Whyyyy?
Not bad, the only thing I would recommend would have been to draw it out a little longer, or at least to have implied that it went on a bit longer, (which now that I think on it, you might have done...) either way, for your first fic, not bad I'd say. And so I will say it.
Not bad.
As others have mentioned, there is a fair amount of conversational style applied to the narrator which turns out to be jarring ("Don't get her wrong", "on that note", "of all things"). This could be better.
As others have also mentioned, this was still a very good story, and seemed like a reasonable way for Twilight developing a crush on Rainbow to play out (that is, true to her character).
Keep writing, experience helps. This was very well done for a first effort!