It's time for Ponyville's annual Storm Day, and once again Rainbow Dash needs to be on point. Except this time, she isn't. And one little mistake could cost her one of her best friends- and the unspoken feelings between them.
If this seems familiar to you, that's probably because it is. This was the first story I ever submitted to the site, but it's now being almost entirely revamped thanks to a collaborative effort between myself and the awesomely awesome DJ GarV the Expert.
It'll be a grand journey, I tell you. Come along!
Chapters (4)
Go on.
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waiting on my editor to get back to me on chapter 2.
1550448 kk
Heh. OTTERMATT LIKE! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Colgate_beam.png
Two points:
Twilight's thought should be in italics, like all the rest of them. I'd actually recommend going to 3rd person limited though, and just follow Rainbow's thoughts. The omniscient aspect loses something because this is the only instance where you use it, and it kind of sticks out. You could attribute this thought to Rainbow instead, which might foreshadow the confession of FEELS that is undoubtedly coming.
- Spike is a complete non-entity. His only purpose is to be a mailbox and never get mentioned before or after. It would be more organic if he was a part of the scene. Even something as small as mentioning he's there, and Twilight yelling at him to be careful and not get hurt climbing trees would help out. Also, he's pretty much a slapstick character, so a brusque demeanor doesn't really fit him much. More like he falls out of the tree right in front of Twilight with a letter, in a Monty Python "Message for you, sah!" sort of way.
Those points aside, this is a really well-done story! It's simple and very sweetly written. The characters are true to life for the most part, the setup is simplistic (one rainstorm a year?), but somehow it seems to complement the vibe of the show more than anything. It's so rare to find a romance story that could legitimately wear a Slice-Of-Life tag as well, but this one could, at least up until this point. The current tags let me know it's gonna change, obviously.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Sweetie_happy.png
Looooove iiit!
I can't believe that i just referenced Dragon Tales. I just hope this doesn't turn into a Flutterdash. I'll wait and see wha happens whe your editor gets back to 'ya.
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Don't worry, when I wrote it on the Google Docs, the italics were all there.
But apparently, somebody couldn't figure out how to add Google Docs onto here, and didn't add all the italics where there should be. I'll rant to him about that later.
As for Spike, looking back, I agree with you on that. However, I have not watched Monty Python (yet) so that reference is completely new to me. I'm so adding that, though!
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Eh. . . .
1554634 LOL.
I kinda meant for that to be.. well... I don't know. Hrm.
Except she isn't not 100%.....
DOUBLE NEGATIVES!!!
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Ha. I just now got what you were saying. I'll fix it.
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as if the cover image doesn't give it away...?
Will there be more?
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yeah I'm just waiting on my editor to get back to me with the chapter 2 revisions. still... waiting...
EDIT: new (pre-edit) chapter up now!
Yay,it finally updated. Please don't take another 6 months to update it again
The TARDIS spell
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actually I'm posting the final two chapters today.
Daaaaw
!
Nice Chapters.
It could have been a little longer and possibly more adventurous then it was. Just seems Iike you solve all the worlds problems with magic and random lucky coincidences in this case, but it was still a good story none the less
I am liking this story so far and I look forward to reading more of it. Well done!
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Whazup bro?
Another interesting chapter. Shame on Dashie for forgetting to set the timers.
I really liked this story. I feel like it could have been a bit more drawn out, but it was still really nice. I look forward to reading more from you in the future. Keep up the great writing!
2546432 not much, check out this pic
fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/129/b/7/sleeping_dashie_by_sh2otingstar-d4z137j.png
Very good story!
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Is that a good thing?
~SolidFire
it was a nice story, but Dash was a little bit out of character ya know, when she realized that shy was out there,instead of just starting to crying she would just go out into the storm to look for her, that is something more like her i think, still good story and a nice ending jejeje
This chapter totally made me go *SQUEEEEEE*
*shrieks* WHYYYYY
It was pretty good, but just a couple things.
1. It would have been a lot faster if Rarity had just used the spell on Rainbow Dash so she could zoom up to the cave in seconds.
2. You could have made it more romantic by just having Rainbow Dash go rescue her, and have a special moment between the two ponies
But other than that it was great :D!
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*Shrieks louder*NO!! YOU CAN'T!