For years, some sort of spirit lived in sugarcube corner peacefully, until an event brings it to chaos and destruction..
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 20th Dec, 2011
- offline last seen May 6th, 2012
Samthelegoman
i build lego mostly, fanfic writer noob.
Samthelegoman
Joined 20th Dec, 2011 ·
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Well I'm tracking this. It's interesting.
Thanks!
I also did a PA crossover.
The idea seems pretty decent but the writing has got quite a few glaring errors, such as: "a wood board covered the broke window"
Also, it would be good if you could break up your story into smaller paragraphs- massive walls of text are certainly not appealing to the reader.
The writing style is a bit strange. I'll give you an example.
107810
Dang it, just what I was going to say!
#2 Chapter 1 Posted 1 week, 4 days ago
Reply
Thanks!
I also did a PA crossover.
cheezesauce
#3 Chapter 1 Posted 1 week, 4 days ago Mobius of the Moon
Reply
The idea seems pretty decent but the writing has got quite a few glaring errors, such as: "a wood board covered the broke window"
Also, it would be good if you could break up your story into smaller paragraphs- massive walls of text are certainly not appealing to the reader.
The writing style is a bit strange. I'll give you an example.
“I tried to tell my friends this, but all of them except for one didn't believe me. Dashie believed me--”
Now, i can easily rephrase this to something like "I tried to tell my friends this, but they didn’t believe... all except one of them. Dashie even made a--” Doesn't this sound better? :)
The first paragraph consists of sentences with the same structure. They all start with ‘SHE did this... SHE did that...’ might wanna change that bit as well.
Mobius of the Moon
#4 Chapter 1 Posted 1 week, 4 days ago
Reply
>> cheezesauce Mobius of the Moon
Dang it, just what I was going to say!
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lol
Could be an interesting fic, but as others have said, it'd help if you double checked your writing. Breaking the speaking parts into separate paragraphs would help, since without that it's 'wall-of-text' and people lose track of who says what. It'd also be an idea to double check for similarly spelt words (lightning/lightening) or commonly confused ones (to/too/two), just to be safe.