Applejack visits her sister in her time of need.
That is all.
Makes me feel like a jerk. Not being there when my sister little sister needs her big brother, like me, to be there when she needs me
RAAAHAHAHAHA! Grovel MEAT!
Now why is it that fics like this don't come around more often?
... Oh boy, here it comes...
Oh, wow. Tears at this ungodly hour? AGAIN!? MMF. I'm such an emotional basket case.
That was some very powerful writing, and it's left a good long mark on my poor heart. I think anyone could find a relation in themselves to this palpable pain, hopefully not in specific content - the wrenching ache its put in my chest feels familiar and it is stirring some significant memories of hardships, guilt and loss. Foreboding too. THERE IS NO ESCAPE.
I am thankful for the opportunity to have enjoyed this - totally random for me to come on and read something off the front page at THIS hour, and such a reward! Simply lovely and very timely. I trust, if there's any TRUE PONY JUSTICE, you'll get this featured.
I found a tiny spelling mistake, just a bit to correct:
"The air in the small bedroom was gentled wooed by the cool draft coming in from the window."
Again, my thanks Swirls. Just a great read. ALSO sent this story out to my lovely followers - gotta share the FEELS. Yes, I own shares in Kleenex - WHY DO YOU ASK??
I was honestly expecting a more bittersweet ending, like AB slowly fading away in her sleep after forgiving AJ.........but this works too.
Never open with weather. It's as cliche as "It was a dark and stormy night."
"With a forceful push, it finally gave way and opened with a loud creek." - misspelled "creak"
"it took some trail and error for her to locate the room she wanted." - misspelled "trial"
Applebloom did most of the work building this cabin after being classed as hospice care? Most would be too weak to make themselves a meal without help at that point. My brain got caught on that detail. Your description at the beginning makes it appear to be somewhat more than a cabin, with hallways and so many rooms Applejack has trouble finding her sister. Sounds more like a small mansion than a one room cabin in the woods. Or did you mean that Applebloom did most of the work organizing a construction company to build it for her, hiring contractors etc?
Either way, it would have probably been best to omit this entire section. If the story is Applejack abandoning Applebloom for fear of witnessing her passing and reliving the death of her parents it makes far more sense for Applebloom to have remained at her family home and be cared for by Big Mac and Granny Smith. Nowhere in the story do you address what happened with these two Apple family members, and you missed some great scenes of the prodigal daughter returning to her former home and be confronted by each family member in succession. Big Mac's silent judgement at the entrance to the farm. Granny Smith's heartache as she outlives not only her child, but grandchild. Each scene would have been a great exploration of the character of Applejack to whom family comes before anything.
"She kissed the top of Applebloom’s head before allowing the gentle draft to begin to whisk her off to a gentle sleep." - used "gentle" twice
Anyway, my two bits as another anonymous reader on the internet. Feel free to read or ignore as you choose, I still enjoyed the story. Did you get this edited or proofread by anyone before submission?
Unfortunately no, by the time I had finished, my editor was asleep and we have Sandy coming which may cut power to the area.
To address the points.
- The weather scene was there mostly for the fact that there wasn't much of a way to start the story out without cutting out some descriptive imagery, which was something I wanted to practice on in this fic for a different one.
- The house is indeed just a small cabin. Her ability to go from helping to build a small house to being bedridden was suppose to show a progression of her illness. She's not actually in hospice care; in this scene, it's almost fair to say that Applebloom is slightly exaggerating. As for her having her own place, that was suppose to further emphasize her individuality (and eventually her sisterly bond with Applejack) as opposed to the family as a whole. If you look at the bare minimal of it all, this fic is basically "How to Get Over a Fight With Your Sibling in 10 Easy Steps", more or less.
-Thank you for pointing out the grammatical mistakes.
All in all, the fic could have been better and longer, but I really wanted to get this out before the storm hit so I did what I could and I suppose the result, while not phenomenal, is something I enjoyed seeing.
Your criticism is highly appreciated
because of the OOC-ness to set it up?
Over all, I wasn't impressed with the story.
I'm sorry that you didn't enjoy it. But it's a big website and I'm sure something will come along that you will.
GAH TO SAD MUST KILL
KILL TOPSIE KILL
nononononono fuck i got hit in the feels
Aaaaand manly tears not many fics can do that to me
I really enjoyed this, plausible, well-written (at least, I thought so), and tear provoking.
It wasn't THAT OOC. Granted, not perfectly in character...
[This user has died from too much feels. Please try again later.]
No feels. Put that down to me being an only child, and maybe that makea me slightly bitter on such things.
However, I feelings on the writing are good. I did feel that the introduction was overly converlated it its descritption. But then, it did not detract from the story; so it is fine.
Other than that very small nitpick, well done. I certaintly forsee this getting good ratings.
That was amzing, i really did think i was there with them, its so sad, i think i shed acouple manly tears
Keep up the good work :)
Sorry, the Princess is currently bedridden at this moment from too many feels. She will be back later. Please leave a message after the beep. (beep)
You have earned a fave.
I'm afraid that I'll have to jump on the bandwagon and just say:
Right in the feels!
There's nothing else to say. Great little story.
Damn it right in the feels. Have to go play Dishonored now to re-harden heart. One minor point, I am not sure I believe that Applejack would initially abandon her sister. I always go the feeling she would die before letting anything happen.
Eh, it was alright, but I didn't get any of those so called 'Feels' everyone seems to be talking about. Great little story, it just didn't crack my cold black heart.
NOOOO I HAD AN IDEA FOR A FIC LIKE DIS BEFORE IT WAS BASED ON THE EXACT SAME ART
Anyway i'll add it to my Read Later.
Right in the feels.
>>15275071527507 Why can't I hold all these feelings, why?!
Because God is a sadistic bastard.
>>15325321532532 No he's not!
He is! If he exists, actually.
>>15333511533351 I take offense to that good sir.
You do that.
>>15333981533398 Just go away, go find something better to do with your time.
A nice little story, but my feels are stone cold.
Favorited and Thumbed up.
This story was beautiful. But sadly I did not have any feels. My feels reserves were used up a long time ago (Friday) when I wrote the new chapter of my story......it'll be a few days before I can replenish those reserves.......in the mean time, I can tell you this was really good.
OW!!!! My feels!!!!
Felt my eyes water a bit, but didn't cry. Why do I always get feels when applebloom grows up faster than she should?
We're sorry. The comment could not be posted due to an excessive number of feels. Please try again later.
Damnit, people stealing my 'user unavailable' comment.