Rainbow Dash has had a terrifying past. She hides it from everyone she knows. It makes her depressed, and none of her friends find out until it's too late.
Just a warning for anyone that reads the comments before the story: There's suicide here.
Not a bad attempt at a sad fic, but it felt too rushed. You didn't put enough effort to actually 'show' us that Rainbow was being plagued by depression. Stil, a nice fic, but again, rushed. Work on that
This fic is something I have to describe as 'not actually too bad'. So, I'm going to list what needs improvement, and you can assume everything else is ok, which you can believe me is not something I say lightly.
- Flashbacks should be separated with horizontal rules. Just trust me.
- Random Sonic Rainboom. Just no. Especially not when she's going through depression.
- Sometimes, it feels like this fic repeats its point too often and/or the logic is meh. For instance, Twilight would NEVER just let Rainbow go away after that confession, she'd have died of thirst after a week, especially if crying, would her parents really send a filly away without any kind of support (just add in a few words that they have some relatives or friends in the area and perhaps make her grasp a quick letter while in the carriage), why is there broken glass in Dash's room?
- Your writing gets slightly worse towards the climax, with a few English mistakes and most notably, I don't think you begin new paragraphs while in a single quote of dialogue regardless of length. You probably got excited and rushed there, so just keep paying attention throughout the story to prevent that from happening.
- The synopsis could be a bit more vague. As it is, the plot is perfectly obvious from those sentences alone. Do something like, 'There are secrets in Rainbow Dash's past that she'd like to never resurface. But, while even the darkest memory will fade when confronted, they'll grow and devour oneself when ignored. Can she defeat her past or will her past defeat her?'
- The pacing is borderline acceptable. Especially her depressed state could use a bit more work. Make us feel along with her pain!
>>15204581520458 I agree with this completely
Another thing, the plural for pegasus is pegasi.
Nice story, I like sad tales, but I got one thing that I have to say:
If Rainbow Dash's house is in the clouds...how are Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Rarity present at her suicide?
Way too rushed and the suicide didn't seem to fit.