The mane characters of the piece are introduced. I put the teen tag on there not because there'll be any sexual themes or gore or anything, but because it's going to get pretty heavy around three chapters in. This story will mainly focus on Applejack and Rainbow Dash, two characters I don't often focus on, but pretty much everpony in the mane cast will get a spolight (except maybe Rarity, still not sure ). I do appreciate your criticism of my spelling and grammar, and of my writing content (i.e. the storyline (I refuse to call it a plot in front of so many bronies) and the characterization) but one thing I really wouldn't like to get criticism for is my writing style and, by extension, myself as a person for writing this. It is only my first story and I recognize I have room to improve.

I'm sure this isn't your first FiM Fiction story, but regardless if it is or not, I hope you enjoy it. Arrivederci, Knight of Cerebus

This isn't really my thing, so I didn't upvote, but the writing as well as the overall idea seem solid.

Some points to watch out for, though: a)mind the paragraph spacing, be sure to remain consistent, b)try to flesh out the thinness of the fic-- there's a lot of short, two-sentence or something like that paragraphs particularly, and c)make sure it's absolutely clear who is saying what in the dialogue-- it helps to specify things like: murmured Celestia, her eyes flicking up to the cold, barren ceiling of the room..

Seriously try and expand out some of the details in the prose. What are the ponies doing with their eyes, their hooves, their ears, and so on? What are the tones of their voices? The volumes of their voices? What are their emotional states?

In terms of characters, Rainbow Dash and Celestia seem maybe pushing it in OOC directions. Nothing wrong with Dashie having family troubles, but being Dashie she still should have some flashes of self-confidence, wondering why she even bothers, and so on. She comes across so weakly in the opening, which feels not quite right. Same thing with Celestia... I understand she will be feeling turmoil, but there should still be flashes of a regal reserve. You know what I mean?

Anyways, good luck with your writing!

Thanks for the criticism. Something many people forget about both Dash and Celestial is that their insecurities don't come out often but do appear when alone and with the people they trust, respectively. I will have to watch how I write Rainbow when Applejack's around though, so thanks for the memory jog. As for the brief paragraphs, part of this is an experimental thing for me. I often write in the way you mentioned and I find it really didn't fit for the style of the story. I'll maybe lapse back into it for the Celestia portions. We'll see.

Thanks for the comment and cheers.

It's my Dad's Birthday today. Here, have a late night update. I was hoping to go for a Warm and Fuzzy feeling to this chapter, seeing as there's so much drama between Celestia and Rainbow's family issues and Fluttershy's still rekindling relation with her dad. I thought I should show the softer side of parenting for a proper start. Enjoy!

Mr Cake name is carrot cake

>>15784011578401 Oh. Fail on my part. Thanks for that Did you like it though?