I couldn't shake this from my mind the whole time...

I can tell you now that you've got a better start than some other new fan-fiction writers. The story is getting set nicely and I thank god that you show your intelligence.

One thing I did spot that was evident was the lack of italics for inner monologue/thoughts

For example:

(GREEN = corrected)

Go without me?  Twilight thought in alarm.  The room flashed with the soft purple glow of Twilight’s magic, and the door opened, it itself surrounded in the same purple glow.

Twilight turned around.  Her I’ve read pile, kept in a neat stack, minus the few Pinkie had scattered, had most definitely increased since she’d walked downstairs this morning.  A good six, maybe ten books.

It's also acceptable to italicize words you may be emphasizing like:

“It was my idea!  You know how I LOVE parties!”

or

“Alright, but it’s going to be a HELL of a party!”

Write on, fellow brony! I want to see great things come out of a new mind in the fray!

EDIT: Accidentally double-posted while editing my comment. Sorry!

>>15141511514151

Alright, thanks a lot!  Lack of italics has definitely been noted, and you will see improvement in the future.  

>>15187021518702

No problem!

While I can't offer my services as an editor at this time, there are tons of people who would be happy to look it over, should you seek it. I suggest checking around the 'groups' section of the website for some reliable folks.

Alternatively, you can always look towards many acclaimed fan-fictions and take note on their grammar and style.

Best of luck!

let me guess they get drunk ant twi wakes up in someponies bed with somepony else...

Please sir I want some more

I'd be happy to pre-read, just send me a link to it in google docs or whatever you choose. Also, asking the way you did is fine, but perhaps with a bit more confidence; "Hey guys, if anypony is interested, I'm looking for a few prereaders!" something like that.

>>16068641606864

Oops, sorry it took me so long to reply.  

Sure, glad to have you aboard!  And I'll remember that confidence thing next time.