- Member Since 22nd Feb, 2012
- offline last seen 5 hours ago
Jlargent
Not much to say really, I write stories for the Brony Nation and the Pegasister Alliance that's all I do really.
Jlargent
Joined 22nd Feb, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Dear_Celestia · 5.6k words · 55 16 · 1.8k views
- TheNinthWorld · 3k words · 32 2 · 1.6k views
- BlackSnowyOwl · 2.2k words · 120 3 · 3.8k views
- RapeTrain-Express · 2.3k words · 159 15 · 4.3k views
- DrTechno · 3.5k words · 42 5 · 1.4k views
- CrystalHeart · 2.7k words · 48 14 · 1.4k views
- RenaissanceBrony · 14k words · 90 34 · 4.4k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.159 seconds
Total duration
1,017 users online
2,131,505 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Sex with literary characters.
static3.fjcdn.com/comments/fuck+_7932e05be2df43ba1da811d098f7fa4d.png
hmmm interesting but i think you could of made this into a bunch of chapters. like her meating the rest of the main six, meating princess celestia and ect. still its interesting.
that was awsome and hillarious
Well I can certainly tell this is your first time writing clop. The clop scene was short and unexciting, and there was really no need for the author's notes telling the reader that it was a clop scene. I've seen it done before, but in that case, the clop was a good chunk of the story (about 1/4 if I'd have to guess). This isn't that long, and I'm sure there won't be too many clop-hating people who read it - it's clearly labelled as having sex in it.
Onto the technical side of things: first person perspective being written in present tense isn't something I'm too knowledgeable, but I did find some errors. There were a few occasions where you switched to past tense for a sentence or two, and there are numerous run-on sentences. The most annoying thing though, I find, is your author's notes. I'm not a fan of them in general, but if you must use them, at least be consistent with them. You have one in parentheses in the middle of a paragraph (which is probably the most annoying and unnecessary one), you have some in parentheses separating the clop from the rest of the story, and then you have italicized author's notes elsewhere. Just pick one and stick with it, if you need to include author's notes at all. Also:
This needs to be changed to a single, capital I.
As for the story itself, I actually liked it. It was an interesting plot, and I enjoyed the two epilogues. One thing I might suggest is making the epilogues their own chapters (and maybe expand on the first epilogue). This way you could have a single author's note explaining that you wrote two ways for the story to end, and have links to them individually. It's only a suggestion though, the story is alright without that being changed.
1641192
Well when I originally wanted to end the story I had a difficult time decideing as to the outcome of the story so I decided to go for both. As for the typo I'll fix it right now.
The story was good but the clop was way to rushed if you made it longer and more enjoyably it would be a really good story and the first ending is the one i would pick the whole story is way to short.
Hello there! My name is y2kbrony and I'm going to review your story. My criticism is completely constructive so if you don't want to take my advice that's fine by me.
This review will be using the following system:
If text is marked through with a line
like thisthat means it should be deleted.Red text indicates a typo.
Green text indicates a grammatical error.
Blue text is something I would add to the story or change.
Purple text is something I would like to draw your attention to.
First of all let's start with the description.
Change it to this and your description will be much better. My next suggestion is the
chapter name. Since this is a one-shot it would be a better idea to name
the chapter after the story instead of "Chapter 1".
Now onto the story itself. I've noticed that the story is in present tense which doesn't really make too much sense considering the story's description so I would first of all change that. My next problem is with the author's notes. Normally author's notes begin with "A/N" instead of "ME:" so I would change that.
Getting into the actual story I noticed this right out of the starting gate:
I would change that "and" to a comma. Next you should delete the forward slash between basement and laboratory.
This is all I can review for today so I will continue this review tomorrow using the same format for the review.
that was awesome
1641154 meating?
,,, *meeting. But yes, you are correct in statement, if not in spelling.
1641710 meh spelling is my bane. almost got me fired from work once....
1641730 lol, I hear ya. I can spell pretty well, actually, but my handwriting is less legible than Chinese, and I'm the one writing it.
I was hoping for a badass plot in all this. But I suppose beggars can't be choosers. Very well, carry on.
this could have been something great, a story Would look every day for an update fore
BEAUTIFUL!!!
I saw the Indiana Jones refrence and immediatly had to type this....yay adventure series
1644940
What about the other two references?
1645334
oh dang now I gotta reread....
4th wall break much Twilight?
Pikie Pie: "HEY!! I'm the ONLY ONE allowed to do THAT!!!"
And I choose ending 1. After all if she is a fictional character made by an author, who's to say the author can't keep writing more adventures? Daring Do would just be missing from that exact book, not all books.
1647731
You're the fiirst to notice that. I was trying to have her unintentionally break the fourth wall.
Daring Do has a British accent in my head, like Lara Croft.
Or H.G. Wells in Warehouse 13...
hay dude make sequal to epilog part 1 i want see some mo dashdo
Okay so I was a little lazy and didn't continue the next day. Sue me. Getting back to the review remember the format...
If text is marked through with a line
like thisthen that means it should be deleted.Red text indicates a typo.
Green text indicates a grammatical error.
Blue text is something I would add to the story or change.
Purple text is something I would like to draw your attention to.
I noticed when I selected the story in my read it later list that it didn't have a secondary description.I would add one as it helps when someone forgets why they added the story to the list in the first place.
Getting back into the story I would suggest adding a comma between "Daring Do" and "an adventuring archeologist" in the first paragraph.
I would delete the comma after basement/laboratory and the rest of the sentence after that while keeping in mind what I said in the first part of the review so that it looks like this:
The second paragraph should be like this if you took in my suggestions from before:
Next paragraph:
Next:
Next:
I would continue to point out more errors like this but, it will be tiring for me and would create a bigger wall of text. I would suggest getting a pre-reader willing to edit mistakes in your stories.
>> SilverStar36 how in the world was this "hilarious" i ask you?
I enjoyed this story. :)
in my mind this is what the Epilogue are
Epilogue 1: a path way to light and happiness
Epilogue 2:a path way to darkness and great sadness
(sadness=darkness)
1894418 Making the endings fit was difficult and not only that but I also had to rewrite the endings to make them fit to the overall theme of the fic.
1894510 that's ok.this what i was thinking.daring do stayed dash has a special somepony.she doesn't have to be sad stay on the path of light and make it into the wonderbolts.if daring do left dash could be depressed.push her friends away.and fall victom of darkness and go down a dark path.so i go for Epilogue 1.but overall awesome story.
1895014 By the way did you guess as to the three references I was referring to?
1895134 im not sure but one was indana jones,second was sonic,and the third is twilight breaking the 4th wall instead pinkie pie.
1895984 Well you were right about the Indiana Jones and the Sonic refernce, but Twilight breaking the fourth wall wasn't. I mentioned a boy with messy black hair and wearing robes...get it now?
1896009umm kingdom hearts?
1897490 Nope, Harry Potter.
1898041oooooooohhhhhhhhh.well i'm not a harry potter fan.but still awesome story.
I can do that without magic.
edit:
I'd really like to see Daring Dos life in pony explored. It'd make for a great slice-of-life story.
Wait. what?
The plot is like Rainbow Dash, really really REALLY fast. Please consider rewriting this as this is an awesome plotidea.
pfft...bitch please, the clop scenes in a fic are what I like to call the point of no return.
you got yourself into this situation, and you're going to get through it
I feel that the second epilogue is the better one. It seemed more heartfelt. I also feel that this was a pretty good and most interesting story.
Well, that was an alright read. There was an abundance of grammatical errors though, so that made it difficult to read. It had a really good concept though.
~SolidFire
it would be nice if in the second epiloge it showed that daring mentioned rainbow and had rainbow's gift
I always enjoyed this couple and this story