Spike introduces Pinkie Pie to the one game she can't play: Rock Paper Scissors. She takes it about as well as one would expect.
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Karkadinn
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You think you could split your chapters up, mate?
*side from that, I liked it. It was a cute little original fic that was written quite decently. I have a couple of suggestions, though:
1. I noticed some characters were a teensy bit OOC. Sometimes they would say something in such a way they wouldn't in the show. For example, Pinkie uses better English vocabulary and Rarity is quite verbose.
2. The "narrator", or mayhaps just the third-person observant sometimes includes opinionated and un-neded statements, such as "Considering her body type..." or "As Rarity would say..." (I would put the full examples in, but I'm on a phone).
3. The tl;dr. Yes, there are breaks, but on FiMFiction it isn't possible to set a bookmark (yet(?)). I suggest splitting the different encounters or experiences into different chapters.
That's all I really have to say; it was a good fic otherwise and issues 2-3 are more personal than they are community-based. Good job!
This is amazing.
well written. strange,but well written
...I read the entire story, and I STILL can't find a good response to this.
Oocness is an issue, and it REALLY needs chapters. As it is, it feels like either multiple different fics put together, or you just went crazy long. Also, at parts you go from comedy, to just 'weirdness'. Pure craziness isn't funny, especially in large doses, and especially when there's no 'center' of reality.
That said, it's a good idea, with quite a few LOL moments. Keep it up.
Buck....that has to be the longest one-shot I ever read in my life which to be honest is not a good thing.
You have to be sure to seprate your paragraphs, and it went to many different changes in this story, I would have just liked the part where Pinkie can accpet that she can't do the game with Spike but you...I don't konw, sort of took this way to far, don't get me wrong I love it and I notice so many great refences such as Eric Cartmen and a few others but your one-shot is so long that I honestly can't remember the ones I really wanted to say.
Damn, I'll give you an upvote and a fav because it's very bad ass but please try to change these into chapters, there was a time or two that I just wanted to quit but I'm to much of a loyal bastard to do such.
I have to agree with the above posters. It is funny, but far too long for a one shot.
How many times did I laugh? No idea. You no doubt have a finger placed on whatever part of my brain interprets humor in addition to a very, very special sense of humor. It seemed like there was something funny in every three or four sentences.
I hope Rarity was blushing over daydreams of watching Pinkie unleash her tonguey talents on Spike, rather than just thinking about herself. Speaking of whom, you'd think Spike would have been kidnapped and molested by Lyra by now if she was that infatuated with fingers.
My headcanon, before the ending, had Spike fixing the problem he'd launched by building a Hungry-Hungry-Hippos-type of contraption with three levers apiece that she can slam her hoof down on.
.......
WHAT DID I JUST READ.
505110
1503327
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1502735
(Trying to respond in bulk here, hope this quote format works out....)
I was very surprised to hear complaints about length and structuring it as a one-shot. From my perspective, any chapter under 10K is quite small! But, of course, silly comedies give audiences different pacing expectations compared to epic tragedies, soap operas and adventures. This is unusual for me, but considering the all but universal opinion on the story's structure, I've decided to split each scene into its own chapter. Now y'all have no one to blame but yourselves for what's going to be a ridiculously short Gilda chapter. ;)
The paragraph structure, however, is just something that's part of my style that you'll have to get used to, I'm afraid. Frankly, I use too many short paragraphs as it is to be able to stand cutting them up even more.
@ Mitchell and Dan in particular....
OOCness is one of the few things that bothers me enough that I'm willing to stop being lazy and edit it out. If you two or anyone else cares enough to point out specifically significant OOC moments, I'd be more than happy to revise them. I'm a very character-centric writer, so getting those personalities just right is important to me.
Thanks for the comments and the criticism, everyone!
1515944 Never a problem
1511835 Holy buck that is genuis...a Lyra and Spike rape maybe even romance fic? Shit, sign me up
I love this ending actually. The last line is a great chuckle worthy line and the thing with Big Mac made me lol as well.
1515944
Like I said, I'm on my phone a lot of the time, and if you've ever used a SAMSUNG® REPLENISH™, you'd know it's nigh-impossible to do anything related to copy/pasting, et al. and therefore I can't review the story in-depth.
I'm happy that you decided to split up the story, as it makes for an easier read and doesn't intimidate the reader. Well done.
'Who salutes with a flat hand out from their body diagonally'
You betcha
Good news! You now have 100% positives!
"Except when mud or cucumbers were involved" for the first 3 seconds I took this the wrong way
“Silly Spike, you know I'm not legally allowed to run with scissors anymore!” <---- That line alone is worth a thumbs up, I giggled
(seriously, it creeped me the heck out
).
brilliant
giggled all the way through
love it!
This story left me in gibbering fits of laughter. My neighbors were quite disturbed.
Well done.
Only complaint, apparently people online like linebreaks between paragraphs, and I'm getting used to it myself.
Your writing was so Pinkie Pie it was scary.
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You know, since Fanfiction.net does the line breaks automatically, it never even occurred to me to do so manually on this site. But after comparing the non-line breaked and line breaked, I do think the extra space helps the text flow better. I think I will bother to make that little extra format tweak in future stories, thanks for bringing it up.
Pinkie, you need Lyra.
(o)_(o) I will not look at
or 
the same way again.
Looks at snakes. Thinks of the glove's responses.
So much laughing, than weirding than smiles!
"It's always the one that says the less that know the answers to most!"
Basically the whole story so far!
This is what really sells the fic.
Raise shields! Phasers at ready! Engage spoiler alert!
So, Twilight made a glove... that "bases its responses primarily on the conscious and subconscious cognitive and emotional cues of its user"... Then it tries to kill Pinkie... I can't help but wonder... The Pinkamena side of Pinkie did all that?
I feel sorry for Pinkie...
And then the solution was found...