When Rainbow Dash hears from Scootaloo about a double of the rainbow maned pegasus roaming around in Ponyville, she and Scootaloo head to Twilight for answers. Twilight then tells them that this was actually a doppelganger, a very dangerous ghost that can only be defeated by an enchanted band, found only in a haunted house in the Everfree Forest.
This is my first fimfic I made for that Halloween contest on EqD. I did my best so I have no regrets.
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TWE's Scribblestick here with my helpful writing tips!
Ah, Nightmare Night. I'm really enjoying these contest entries. For the most part, I thought your story was great. There was plenty of suspense and danger, creepy monsters and images, and best of all, the only the barest amount of explanation.
However, I thought the setup was a little weak. Rainbow Dash is headstrong, brave, and more than a little prideful, so I was confused as to why her first reaction was to go to Twilight rather than track down her imposter herself. She's kind of had an imposter before ("The Mysterious Mare Do Well"), and she tried to deal with that all by herself rather than ask her friends for help. What makes this situation different?
Dash and Twilight's conclusions seem a little rushed as well. Dash assumes it's a changeling, and Twilight thinks its a doppleganger. Isn't it possible that somepony is just dressed up as Rainbow Dash for Nightmare Night? She has plenty of admirers (again, "The Mysterious Mare Do Well"), and it's entirely possible that somepony made a really good costume of Rainbow Dash for the occasion, and unless Scoots got a really good look at her, it's possible she wouldn't be able to tell the difference.
Twilight says only those who have seen the doppleganger can go inside the house, but Dash hadn't seen the doppleganger at that point. Also, Twilight calls the doppleganger a legend or myth, yet she also says she didn't think this would "happen again," implying that there are confirmed cases of this happening before.
Finally, you had a great opportunity to end on a chill, but I thought you kind of blew it by having Dash and Scoots dismiss the issue of Twilight having no idea what was going on. If you can add a detail that hints at what's really happening (for example, let's say Twi's doppleganger is running around too)
or whatever's happening, it would leave the reader with that last little mystery, that question that isn't answered.
I guess I'm being a little nitpicky. Overall, I enjoyed the story for the terrifying-image-fest it was.
Good luck in the contest!
~Scribblestick, TWE reviewer
Aye, thanks for that insight, I appreciate it. I didn't pay attention that Rainbow Dash hadn't seen her doppelganger, which was a huge mistake on my part lol. I wanted to leave a strange unexplained mystery at the end of the story to make my readers think, but now I'm sure that wasn't the best way to do that.
I wanted to have a scene where Rainbow Dash chased after her twin in the beginning, but I feared that I would have went over the 10,000 word limit for the contest. I'm not expecting to win, there are many skilled writers out there more suitable for that position. I just wanted to do my part in the community for once.
And I actually forgot to enter this into the contest. I went to sleep after I posted it, but didn't realize entry's ended today.
Everyone, thanks for taking the time to read my story. I hope it was somewhat enjoyable
I'm not usually one for horror, but I have to fave this.