Reset Password
Resend Verification Email
10
34
44
40
808
<
Protector of Light
Joined April 2012
23 followers
40
808
0
59038
241632
Protector of Light
10
34
44
Joined April 2012
23 followers
Groups
-
25w, 3dFics Set in the Future
40
808
808 ( 2,698 )
More
Less
Comments ( 40 )
Post Comment
Refresh
Just a couple of things I noticed while reading:
Why would the nurse be as bold as to sigh in front of the ruler of Equestria? After all, later on, you imply that the ponies revere her too much to disobey her - isn't sighing in annoyance way too casual?
>she begins, “She is
begins, "she is
>proposal:” I begin
this is wonky punctuation, forget the colon and just go with a full stop.
Well, your writing is clean, and the style's not unreadable. I'd just like to give you some pointers:
What makes a story interesting is characters, not information. That's because characters do things. Character studies aren't very interesting at all unless you have a backdrop of actions to compare it against. Usually, the topic of Twilight's mortality and Celestia's lack of it would take the form of a character study, and many people put in the mental thoughts, but not the actions surrounding it. It ends up like a diary full of whinging, which is never very pleasant to read.
Now, you kind of avoid that in the sense that Celestia doesn't whinge all that much. However, she's not doing anything much either. Without that context for character, we're left with, well, words and thoughts, which are but shadows with the lack of a character to be associated with. So it's... there. It's not objectively bad, but I can't say it's terribly interesting, either.
The one twist you have isn't exactly a twist, but more of a difference from the norm - that Twilight would so readily agree to it. It comes as a mild surprise because we're used to, almost sick of, Twilight going all Yoda and saying "it's kay I'm ready". I feel that you could have capitalized on this more by adding to Twilight's character - maybe flashbacks to their time doing research together, how her thirst for knowledge always burned on, and how pushing the frontiers of magic were her main concern - and what she was willing to sacrifice for it, maybe, to show just why it is that Twilight would agree to such a cycle-defying procedure without hesitation. But, that's just an idea.
Anyways, such goes the comment. Forgive my pretentiousness.
Also, with respect to the above, it wouldn't be hard to make a good Twi-becomes-immortal story. All you have to do is have Celestia be the main character, breaking moral boundaries and delving into deep magic in a quest to extend Twilight's life. Tada - dark story which takes a fresh, active spin on an old theme.
Sorry, it was just that the way you wrote the intro, and the idea of imortality instantly triigers my "godess story" senses.
You are right, this aint that type of dtory. Just be carefull about where you take this, ok.
And i think i hould apology for jumping to conclutions 
I stil think you should re-write the few lines ment to catch the reader. be a bit more vague, but on the same time be precise. i had something like this in mind:
Mortality... Death... So alien, yet so familiar they are for the goddess of life. Seeing her belived subjects taste its bitterness one after one, but never face it herself. She would be willing to give her own life to purge them from a pony's life, if only for just one time. S twilight's passing comes closer she finds herself asking these questions again. How far is she willing to go to get a few more days with her subjects? What if she could halt death forever?
It just popped into my mind. I don't know how or why 
Of course. Jus't don't ask me to prof read anything. I am barely keeping my head above the water as it is 
School, a story going on and frof reading really takes time you know 
Please, don't write something you don't want. ya're goin ta write it in a way ya want it, ya hear 
silly celestia, you cant beat death, unless your this guy:
Image: http://www.hiveworkshop.com/forums/attachments/requests-341/74837d1265285242-need-model-dante-dantes-inferno-dantes-inferno-01.jpg
Actually, I think Celestia's main problem here was hubris. She had the correct idea, but she did not have the power needed. While she was concerned that Luna would try to stop her if she had told her of her intentions, she might not have had the same reaction if she brought Cadence and Luna into a room and discussed a possible plan for each of them to donate some of their energy in the hope that TS lived on. Luna just might have gone along with that. Cadence almost certainly would have.
Life it is very happy and sad, It is happy when it begins but it is sad when it ends. Thats why you need to make the most of this life that you have for tomorow it may be your last, so go, go and do whatever you want not because you want to but because you have to - A saying from Dremora Lord
The liker wuz here ? 
I really don't like the epilogue. I'd assumed the Elements had allowed her to die so she could see Twilight again. This casts her in a Nightmare Moon sort of role, and even though her sanity was obviously slipping I didn't consider her the equivalent in any way.
I gave the story a thumbs up before I read this, and won't change it, but the epilogue itself does get a thumbs down from me.
>>1991166 Thank you for the opinion. I like the idea, but I don't really see the Elements of Harmony killing anyone. I mean, look at Discord, for example. He got turned to stone twice, even though he was completely messing up the world. But that's just me. Feel free to break off the story where you liked it and call it a day. And thank you for not changing your vote.
>>2086344 http://www.fimfiction.net/story/79228/for-the-living There is a somewhat sequel following Luna and the New Elements of Harmony that were briefly mentioned in the story. What else would you like to see in a sequel? Perhaps something with Celestia beyond the grave? I really am open to input.
Anonymous comments currently disabled. Please register to make comments
Cancel
Send