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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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OKAY SO... Here's my story, I hope you guys enjoy it. Feel free to let me know what you think. This went through MULTIPLE edits, so if something doesn't make sense let me know.
Also, I'm doing this to improve my storytelling skills, so I have some concerns about my story.
A couple of things I'm concerned about:
-How is my characterization of Twilight?
-Is my tone consistent?
This is really fun to read! I love your characterization of twilight. It's obvious it's been through a lot of editing. Keep up the good work!
Yeah, this was pretty damn good. The more directly clop parts were tasteful and rather general, spent more time with how the ponies involved were thinking or feeling then writing porn, very very nice, looking forward to more chapters in this. Guilty pleasure seems like a pretty damn good OC.
Very good fic, nice paceing and characterisation. Maybe some spelling and punctiation mistakes, but none that I could see.
Properly one that will get many likes.
You should continue this
Alrighty, I very much enjoyed this!
It's good to see from the point of view of a character who's easily relatable, which is required for being in the male escort business in the first place, and Twilight was a good choice for the first chapter (being in that it's about "first-timers," obviously ).
I think that Twilight was captured relatively well here, especially when detailing her neuroticism and outright fears when she ends up upsetting herself. Nicely done, good sir.
However, I will say that the back and forth between Twilight and Guilty feels kind of off, and the way it ended seemed rather...anti-climactic. I'm a sucker for good dialogue, and I feel like this is the only real aspect that could use some improvement.
Overall, though, it's very well-written, and I absolutely love the concept, so I would very much like to see more come from this, or at least more from you as an author
I commend you on your efforts, MagusMeister
-Exo
this was really good, but I can't help but thinking......if twilight is walking away with the vibrator insider her....and mr. pleasure could see it when the wind blew.... couldn't anypony see it as she goes walking through town?
edit: although, I will admit that I was expecting a plot twist where twilight changed her mind and asked guilty to help her out with her first, but your plot choice was still really good and seemed a little more on character
Hmm... That was SO much better than what most clopfics attempt. Using sex and sexuality as a subject rather than simply a premise is refreshing. Not that this story really had much to it, plot wise. Nor was it especially graphic.
Disclaimer: the following critique is intended to relate to the very specific points addressed and not the overall quality of the fic or ability of it's writer:
I also think the bit at the end about Twi not only keeping the vibrator but wearing it is incredibly idiotic and worse, OOC. She would probably ask to buy it or accept it as a gift. But NOT steal anything EVER. Nor wear it where it could be seen by others. For that matter, if she's a virgin, would she really be wearing it internally?
Also, as for the stress incontinence thing, which is arguably confused for and with one of the types of female ejaculation, wouldn't a pro like GP ask his clients to use the facilities before beginning a session?
Glad to see so many people like this, and thank you for the criticism, it helps me get a better handle on my own skills.
RESPONSES!
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Thank you all for the compliments.
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Maybe they could, WIthRegardsTo... maybe they could.
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That IS something I grappled with, but I opted for this ending in... for the silly.
Thank you all again, look forward to more
Edit: Oh, and tell your friends!... err, at least the ones who are into this kind of thing.
When I first saw "first story" I was like, let's see what he has to offer, but after I read it I was like, HOLY FUCK!!!!!! You sir deserve this like, and watch!
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Thanks
Eh I'll admit thinking about it more, her just taking it is a bit OOC, but I'm generally willing to overlook tiny things like that which are obviously just added at the end for the joke. Sure there could be some explanation for it. Expanding a bit on my earlier comment, the best part about the story is how as someone above said, it treats sex and sexuality as the subject, not the goal. You're obviously willing to have sex scenes and more clop-ish parts, but they serve to aid the story, instead of being the point of the story and I love stories like that.
Few little issues, like Twi taking the thing home with her without offering to buy it and all that, but it was clearly Rule of Funny driven. Overall a very very promising first try, and I hope to see more stories from you, and even more so hope to see more chapters from Guilty Pleasure's journal.
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Thank you for the compliment.
And as for the toy, I meant for it more to be something she forgot about... going over it again, that isn't exactly clear.
Nessume problema
italian for no problem
YES!
Definately a good read. I really enjoyed myself. Reading that is.
Giggidy.
Why is this tagged with Derpy?
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Derpy will be becoming relevant fairly soon. I wondered whether or not I should tag her straight off, but in the end I opted to do so.
1508395 should add a twilight tag but over all a good start... i like ur oc to follow the rules he set for him self... but the ending( Her tail had been upturned by the gust, Providing me with a absolute perfect view of here tight marehood. The thing that caught my attention however was the small pink wire that connected her opening to a small equally pink remote nestled in her tail.) hoo man that made me i hope she come back for more tracking for sure
I like it.
Really well done. I found this to be an excellent story with a perfect pace, great characterization, etc. If this was your first I can't imagine what you're 10th and so on will be. Keep it up, a like and a follow for you.
This was amazing! The way you portray the characters and their interaction with each other! Just fantastic! Please, PLEASE write more!
Very nice.
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Thank you, all.
This is fantastic for a first-timer (lol)
You write like a pro, this is something I would expect from the likes of much more well-known authors than yourself. Keep it up and I'm sure you'll be up there as well.
Real phoenix down, huh? So can the bed revive someone from fainting?
Dear Princess Celestia
ORGASMS ARE AWESOME!
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
I have a feeling Guilty would have an aneurism if he know who Twilight's pen-pal is.
well to be honest i find Twilight portrayed a bit stupid in this, I do think she would have a good understanding on her body and such. many does this making her so naive she's stupid. witch is OOC considering the show her. but its understandable in this type of chapter where you need a first timer, but i think Fluttershy fits better at that.
other then that it was a nice chapter.
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HAHA!!
Quite a delightful first chapter. I will simply have to read on and give you a fuller opinion when I finish.
I favorited at this line. This fic is freakin' hilarious. Please continue.
Great reading! waants moar! Good job!
Hello! I was recommended this by the ever awesome Jake the Army Guy n_n and I'm glad I was. Very appealing fic, it's nice to see something so positive. I confess my only issue was calling him an escort because where I'm from an escort will take you out drink and date you but won't typically have sex. That said It's such a gentler and less loaded term I really can't argue it.
Tone feels consistent and Twi feels very accurate. Definitely going to read more.
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Glad im not the only one to think of that.
1979759 God dammit! I was going to say that!
I see what you did there...
Anyhoo. Very well done. I spotted zero dirty words, which elevates your fic higher than 90% of clop. Its not pointless dribble to get off to, but an actual story. He seems very down-to-earth and professional. I'd be interested to see what his private life is like, but that's precisely the point, isn't it? He can't have one because of what he is. Since "everypony knows everypony" in Ponyville, I imagine he's actually very lonely. Poor guy... but hey, he has acting talent, writing talent, and a book for a cutiemark. Not telling Twilight what his cutiemark meant was certainly an interesting flair to his character. It makes me want to know more about him, and certainly gives him the air of a multi-dimensional character. Its not a dark past or a dirty little secret, its just an extra detail you can bait us readers with. I like that, its a sign of good writing talent.
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Yeah, I gathered that too about the female ejaculation but, well, with the vibrator, I'd sort of figured she didn't steal it, but simply forgot she left it in there amidst all the, well, excitement of the day, which is a thought I found highly amusing. She's just mentioned she keeps things in her mane that would be impossible to detect, so why hide it there, of all places?
hmm, this story is a nice change of pace from other clops. Its extremely well written and I'm craving to find out more about this Guilty Pleasure's past .
Oh, guilty. Wouldn't you like to know.
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*Finds out* "WHAT?!?!" *begins mumbling incoherently*
Haha twilight being her adorkable self. I like this.
Interesting so far, worth a read.
Also I was the 666th thumbs up.
Forboding text!
I must say, Guilty Pleasure is a wonderful character. Just from the first chapter, I'm drawn to the way you portray him as being an overall respectable and nice guy. Onto the next chapter!
- I wanna watch you masturbate.
Favorited!
edit: Wow. That was a really hot first chapter.
"Well, I have to go now. I have a letter to write."
Hehe...
That was fascinating.
I don't think this is the kind of thing a girl would wish to clop to; but I truly enjoined the story.
The clop scenes are used to get to develop the characters more so than to please the audience cravings.
~Leonzilla
*laughs* It was an awesome start. And very well written. Can you believe I found ONE typo in the whole mess? Which is a bit unusual for 'first timers'. Okay, two... both in the same paragraph.
“That, Twilight, is a secret.” I waved goodbye to her as she turned once more toward Ponyville. I was about to close the door when a rather strong gust of wind forced it back open. As I stumbled, I caught glimpse of Twilight. Her tail had been upturned by the gust, Providing me with a absolute perfect view of here tight marehood. The thing that caught my attention however was the small pink wire that connected her opening to a small equally pink remote nestled in her tail.
First, providing shouldn't be capitalized.
Second, you have a rogue 'e'. You clearly meant 'her', not 'here'
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In regards to that comment, well, it's a double edged sword.
I would think somepony in the sex industry, such as Guilty Pleasures, would have some experience with both conditions, and would know the differences.
And, given the rather pointed indicators of what it is, I think we can safely say it's that it was stress incontinence.
Wow ok a few things first you vocabulary is exponential I tripped over myself reading this aloud for YouTube
Countless times so thanks for three Mounties of out takes
Second love the OC his name and job made the story better thn it would have been
Third wow
That is all RainBloom out
Ps. I love the fact that twilight had "stolen" the vibrator Made me laugh something fierce
And I re-read it and got a bit more of the humor in it please keep writing your great at it
Im liking this.
But if i may be so bold as to point out a few things that could be fixed.
In order of them happening in the story.
I think you should have "on" after "them"
I think "you" should be after "want"
"a" should be after "take" i believe.
I think you should add an "s" the the end of "mare"
Hope this helps.
Will continue reading.